Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Challenge Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By

Inspired by MouseRocks group challenge 100 Ways to Kill Superman Challenge and 100 Ways to Kill Superman (The Final List) .

What would actually be in Michael's oft-quoted Lois Lane Manuel if canon Clark made such a book for Alt-Clark (after he found alt-Lois, of course)? Let me get us started...

Rule #1 - Never talk to Lois while making love. (you never know what stupid thing you say will cool her off.)

Rule #2 - Feed chocolate, often. More than once a day, preferably.

Rule #3 - Lois NEVER feels guilty.

Rule #4 - Always keep an eye on her, she's slippery.

Rule #5 - NEVER trust her when she says that she will stay out of trouble.

Rule #6 - Keep well hydrated with coffee, wine, and cream soda.

Rule # 7 - DON'T let her see this list.

Rule #8 - Water her plants for her; they'll die otherwise.

Rule #9 - Even when Lois is wrong, she's right.

Rule #10 - When all else fails, refer back to rule #2.

Rule #11 - Expect Lois to be high maintenance, but she is worth it.

Rule #12 - Just be upfront about the whole Superman thing. It'll save you a world of headaches in the long run.

Rule #13 - Don't eat Lois' food. When in doubt, order out.

Rule #14 - She's top banana.

Ooooooh!

Rule #15: Chumpy is a word.

Rule #16: She cheats at poker. But don't call her on it.

Michael

Rule #17 - Never get between Lois and a story.

Rule #18 - Don't let her hold any food intended for Bobby Bigmouth.

Rule #19 - No matter how ridiculous her hunch sounds, take it seriously. More often than not, she's right.

Rule #20 - Lois doesn't always follow her three rules to live by.

Rule #21 - Keep away from people named Dan.

Rule #22 - Keep away from people named Lex.

Rule #23 - Keep away from people named Maxwell - especially if they are a doctor.

Rule #24 - Remember. As fragile as your own heart is, so is her own. She's had a rough life.

Rule # 25 - Actually, don't trust anyone attracted to Lois. For some reason, she’s a slime-magnet.

(Yes, I recognize the irony of that statement. )

Rule #26 - If Lois says she's not up to anything, she's lying. She usually is. Feel free to stalk from a reasonable distance.

Rule #27 - In case stalking backfires, run. Or come up with lame excuse and run. If in Superman outfit, fake an emergecy.

Rule #28 - be careful with her skull. She may seem thickheaded sometimes, but a bump on the noggin will make her forget the best guy in the universe is her boyfriend...twice...

TEEEEEEJ

Rule 29 Quit looking at her legs or you'll never get any work done.

Rule #30: Give Lois a break with the suit, she may find you a little too irresistible. Attempt to save all hints at nookie for the bedroom (and that includes all attempts at seduction.)

Rule #31: Failing that, make sure all original photographs and evidence of said nookie is destroyed immediately. Saving it in a little box in your bedroom may not be enough.

Rule #32: Wait until Wells gives you two the ok (I know you don't want to wait but unless you do you'll lose her and your worst fears will be confirmed.)

Rule #33: Make sure she gets to accept you as a friend, but don't forget to leave hints that you're more than a little attracted to her.

*sheesh these feel like they're much harder, don't they?*

Harder than the Clark Rules? Or harder than killing Superman off?


Rule #34 - Double Fudge Crunch Bars are your friend. Keep a box of them in your drawer for emergencies. (Don't tell Lois!)

Rule #35 - Lois does not like odd or strange gifts / art, especially sent anonymously.

Rule #36 - Do not make angry. Stay calm. No sudden movements. I know it will be tempting to fly off - don't!

Rule #37 - Do feed after midnight. Do get wet. (Repeat)

Rule #38- If sprayed with a love perfume, do not allow yourself to be in close proximity to her for extended periods of time.

Rule #38a-Consequences include long nights pacing your living room from ceiling to floor and an eventual breakdown in your desire to keep your friendship intact in favor of making love to her (and possibly losing her in the process.)

(I think I mean it's harder than writing the ways to kill Superman.)

Rule #39- When Lois really is on top (i.e. the boss) at work, don't let her either push you away or overwork herself. She really does need you now more than ever.

Rule #40- Do get her gifts but make certain that she knows they would only be the kind of gifts you can give (that way there is no mistaking who they came from.)

Rule #41 - 9 times out of 10 Lois will want to drive. Let her. She knows the basic traffic laws, but this does not mean she will follow them.

Rule #42 - Anytime Lois offers to take you out for pasta, accept, and enjoy any said consequences.

Rule #43 - Do not let Lois and Ellen or Sam Lane (or both) hang out together alone for longer than 1/2 hour at a time unsupervised.

Rule #44 - The only time she'll ever let you put her on a leash is when she's pretending to be your concubine. (Don't ask!)

Rule #45 - If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd - check DNA and make sure she hasn't been replaced by a clone.
- #45A - If she has been replaced by a clone, see Rule #22 for who has probably kidnapped the real Lois.
- #45B - If she has not been replaced by a clone, see Rules #46 - #48.

Rule #46 - If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd - check to make sure she doesn't have amnesia.
- #46A - If she has amnesia, see Rules #22 & #23.
- #46B - If she does not have amnesia, see Rules #45, #47, & #48.

Rule #47 - If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd - her mind may be held hostage by Lex Luthor's son, Lex Jr., follow her and destroy his Neuroscanner machine to free her mind.
- #47A - If her mind isn't being held hostage by the Neuroscanner, please see Rules #45-46, & #48.

Rule #48 - If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd - and you two have visited a Virtual Reality experience video game recently, double check that both of you have actually left the game.
- #48A - If you aren't stuck in a VR game, please see Rules #45-47.

Rule #49 - From the moment Lois agrees to marry you until the moment you consummate said marriage (see Rule #32)
- #49A - Do not let Lois out of your sight;
- #49B - Make sure said marriage happens ASAP, so that it does not get postponed by either of your ex's.

Rule #50 - If you decide to take Lois on a romantic weekend to a private island resort, leave the blue suit at home.
- #50a - Check out the location before hand for criminal masterminds living nearby.
- #50b - Take her camping instead.

Rule #51 - Do not ever- and I repeat, EVER- expect or attempt to put Lois on a leash. She will almost surely never listen and the backlash will be fiercely painful.
~ Rule #51b - The only exception to this rule is if she is acting as your concubine. If you don't know what this means, then don't ask. :p

Rule #52 - Lois enjoys a good costume, if the whole Superman-thing isn't a dead giveaway. Be patient with her no matter what she decides to wear- whether she's dressed up as a man or in a rather revealing harem costume.
~ Rule #52b - Lois in disguise usually gets good results, no matter her purpose. Consider yourself duly warned.

Rule #53 - Don't ever, under any circumstances, use the memory wipe kiss on Lois. You want her with all her memories at all times. (See Rules #22, #23, and #46)

bump. We're only at 53. Come on, people, surely we can find 47 more rules with living/dealing with Lois Lane for Alt-Clark.