Pheromone, My Lovely - Matchmaker Style
Rated PG-13
As always comments are welcome. (ken.janney@kjanney.com)
* * denotes emphasis
< > denotes thoughts
As always comments are welcome. (ken.janney@kjanney.com)
Pheromone, My Lovely - Matchmaker Style 09/12
Previously
Just then, Daru leapt up on one of the cabinets near Lois, startling her. After she caught her breath she saw that now was her opportunity to distract Miranda so the Clark could do a search. "Can you tell us the ingredients?"
Miranda laughed and said, "Come now, Ms. Lane. Surely you don't expect me to give away
all my secrets?
Lois went on the attack to make sure she had Miranda's full attention, "Look. Let's cut the niceties. Whatever was in that witches brew you sprayed us with made half the newsroom go looney tunes in love."
While Miranda was distracted by Lois, Clark lowered his glasses and surveyed the room. He spotted the atomizer he was looking for on a back shelf. At super speed he moved to it, grabbed it and put it into the pocket of his trench coat.
With her attention directed to Lois, Miranda had no idea as to what Clark was doing and in reply to Lois, Miranda simply smiled which just infuriated Lois.
In response to Miranda's attitude, in an exasperated tone, Lois challenged, "It's not funny. People were hurt by what you did, humiliated ... Jimmy, a friend of mine, almost
got killed."
With a smirk. Miranda countered, "You're not suggesting I had anything to do with
that, are you? I just sell perfume."
Lois countered, "Perfume that makes people crazy."
With apparent calm, Miranda replied, "You know, Ms. Lane, animals are ruled by their sense of smell. We humans think we've evolved beyond that. I'm not so sure. Even so, I have no idea what you're talking about."
By this time, Clark had returned to his previous position and was now the interested bystander of the conversation. He zeroed in on Miranda's carotid artery and could see her pulse throbbing a rapid tattoo. He listened and could hear her racing heartbeat. She was excited, possibly by the challenge that Lois was presenting.
Lois pressed on, "I doubt that very much. I intend to make a full report to the police. Not planning on leaving town, are you?"
Miranda's pulse was still racing, but Clark couldn't tell if it was the excitement of Lois' challenge or the threat of the police that was causing it.
Finally, Miranda said, "Forgive me, Ms. Lane, but the unfounded suspicions of two reporters hardly qualifies as a criminal investigation. Where I go or what I do is frankly, none of your business. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."
Lois was fuming as they exited Miranda's shop. As they moved down the street, Lois stated, "She was lying."
"I know. Her heart rate was over one-fifty."
"How do you know that? Oh, right, super hearing. Okay, so we know she did it, now, how do we prove it?"
Clark pulled the atomizer out of his pocket and said, "While you distracted her, I found this."
Right there in the middle of the sidewalk, Lois threw her arms around his neck and gave him a very suggestive kiss. When she broke the kiss she said, "Let's go partner. We have to get that to STAR Labs." Turning, she hailed a taxi.
And Now:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 8
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Lois and Clark took a cab from Miranda's directly to STAR Labs. After paying the fare they entered the lobby.
Approaching the receptionist, Lois said, "I'm Lois Lane and this is Clark Kent. We're with the Daily Planet. We need to see someone about perfume."
The receptionist gave Lois a puzzled look and asked, "Perfume? You did say, perfume?"
Lois nodded and said, "Yes, that's what I said. Perfume. I need to speak to someone about perfume."
"Look, if you want perfume," she looked Lois up and down noting the smart business outfit and that it wasn't exactly couture, "Cost-Mart carries brands that you can afford."
Clark could see that Lois was about to explode and moved in to prevent her from disemboweling the receptionist by stepping in between them. He noted the nameplate and after shining the light of his patented multi-megawatt smile on her said, "Denise, perhaps I can clarify this. We have a sample of perfume that we would like analyzed. We believe that it may not be just perfume."
The receptionist was captivated by his smile and smiling in return said, "Oh, I see. Perhaps Doctor Ferguson could help you. I'll page him."
While she was paging Doctor Ferguson, Clark turned to Lois and with a grin said, "Sometimes you can attract more flies with honey than you can with vinegar."
Lois slugged him in the stomach and said, "Are you saying that I have a sour disposition?"
"No! All I'm saying is that sometimes a gentle approach works better than a bull in a china shop approach. Your ‘go-for-the-jugular' approach works well most of the time in an interview, but when you are asking for help another style is needed."
Behind his back, the receptionist said, "Doctor Ferguson will be right here."
Clark turned to her and smiled again as he said, "Thank you, Denise. You've been most helpful."
She smiled back and said, "Any time, Mr. Kent." Then she gave Lois a sour look.
Clark turned back to Lois and said, "See?"
Lois just gave him a grumpy expression.
A couple of minutes later Doctor Ferguson, you could tell that by the name embroidered above the breast pocket. His hands were buried deeply in the pockets of his long white lab coat when he entered the lobby and approached. Pulling out his right hand and extending it he said, "I'm Doctor Ferguson."
Clark took it and shook it as he introduced them, "I'm Clark Kent and this is Lois Lane. We work for the Daily Planet."
"Yes, that is what Denise told me. How can I help you?"
As Clark pulled the atomizer from his pocket, he said, "Doctor Ferguson, this perfume was sprayed on the staff at the Planet the other day and the results were … dramatic. The whole newsroom became, for want of a better term … drunk. Drunk … on love." He glanced at Lois and then added, "Normal inhibitions were lowered or completely removed. Somehow, I was missed, but I had to take my wife home before something … embarrassing happened. Our editor went after the janitress. Most of the staff paired off as couples in a most unprofessional way."
"Hmmmm, very interesting. You say that the perfume in that container was responsible?"
"Yes, Doctor. Could you do some kind of analysis to find out what did it?"
Taking the very innocent looking atomizer and holding it up for inspection he mused, "Most likely an alcohol base. That can be discounted. It will be the other, most likely organic, components that will be of interest. Could be a very complex structure. Start with HPLC, maybe mass spec and NMR." Coming out of his musings, he looked up at Lois and Clark and said, "Why don't you come with me and we can get started." He turned and led them out of the lobby and to his lab.
Once they entered the lab, Doctor Ferguson placed the atomizer in a fume hood. Turning to Lois and Clark he asked, "You did say that it was exposure to the vapor that created the situation?"
"As far as we know."
"Okay, then we would be well advised to avoid the vapor." He weighed a small vessel, recorded the weight and then carried it over and placed it next to the atomizer. Making sure that the windows of the fume hood were closed, all but where he was working, he unscrewed the top from the atomizer. Next, using a volumetric pipette and squeeze bulb he sucked up a measured quantity of the liquid in the bottle, explaining as he went, "By starting with a measured quantity, we can drive off the alcohol and determine the concentration." He dispensed the liquid into a small vessel which he placed on a slightly warm hot plate. He watched as the alcohol rapidly evaporated leaving an oily residue. Once all of the alcohol had been vaporized he took the vessel and re-weighed it. After doing a calculation is said, "It looks like a very small percentage of the active ingredient. I'd estimate about one percent. If I were to speculate, I'd say that if it had the effects you describe, at a one percent solution, I'd hate to see what a ten percent, let alone a one hundred percent solution would do."
Taking the vessel back to the fume hood he added a known quantity of solvent to put it back into solution. While that was being dissolved he turned on the HPLC and turned to explain to his audience, "This is a High Pressure Liquid Chromatograph or HPLC for short. It will help us separate the components of the liquid." Once it was in solution he transferred the liquid to a syringe vial and sealed it with a rubber cap. "Sealed like this we ought to be protected from the effects. He inserted a syringe needle through the rubber septum to suck up a measured amount and carrying it over he injected it into the HPLC machine.
Once he had done that he stood back to wait. While waiting he explained the process. "The HPLC will cause the molecules to move through the column at different speeds, depending on their size. I know the solvent I used so that will be discounted. The effluent will be sent through a sensor so that we get molecular weights. The next run we will send the effluent through the MASS Spec. . The MASS spectrometer is a device that produces spectra of the masses of the atoms or molecules comprising a sample of material. The spectra are used to determine the elemental or isotopic signature of a sample, the masses of particles and of the molecules. That will give us a start on the structure. I'll also take the sample to the NMR lab while we wait for the MASS Spec results so that they can run it as well. The NMR lab is in another part of the building. It is isolated from any nearby labs because of the strong magnetic field involved. By the time we are done, we should have a pretty good idea of what we are working with."
Clark asked, "What was that acronym … NMR? What does that stand for?"
Dr. Ferguson seemed to enjoy explaining science to the pair, although Lois' eyes were starting to glaze over, but Clark still appeared interested. "NMR is Nuclear Magnetic Resonance. Every molecule has a unique signature when place in a magnetic field. The sample is place in an NMR tube and then into a magnetic field. A radio frequency pulse is then sent through the sample solution in order to orient the magnetic moments of the nuclei in the solution. As the magnetic moments relax, they exhibit a free induction decay. The free induction decay is Fourier transformed into a NMR spectrum. The NMR spectrum displays chemical shifts for the individual nuclei; and from these chemical shifts, the structure of the compound can be determined. By the time we are done, we should have a pretty good idea of what we are working with."
Lois asked, "How long will all of this take?" Her foot felt like it wanted to tap impatiently on its own.
With a shrug he said, "Oh, I don't know. We have to do these runs and then send the results through a deconstruction algorithm, or Fourier Transform, and see if we can come up with a reasonable structure. If that fails then we will add some more techniques, UV, UV Fluorescence, IR, FTIR. The FT in FTIR stands for Fourier Transform. I mentioned that a minute ago. The FTIR does a Fourier Transform analysis of the IR spectra produced and by looking at the location of the resulting peaks we can determine what functional groups we are dealing with. They will add to the information base. Then we need to compare it to the literature and see if there is a match. It could take some time." He pointed dramatically to a whiteboard on which really obscure line drawings of chemical structures were written. "Most of the time we allow the computers to do the work, but sometimes old fashioned brain-storming does the trick."
Hearing this, Lois pulled out a business card and handed it to Doctor Ferguson and asked, "Could you FAX the results to the number on this card?"
He was smiling as he replied, "Sure, no problem. Thanks for bringing in an intriguing problem. It isn't often that we get a chance to exercise a multi-disciplinary approach like this."
After shaking hands all around, Lois and Clark departed.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When they departed STAR Labs they went to lunch and discussed their plan of attack. Shortly after lunch they arrived back at the Planet. When they stepped off of the elevator they noticed some drastic changes in the décor. Gone were the red, white and pink balloons and the paper hearts and the flowers. It looked like things were back to normal. The only thing off key was that almost everyone acted like they were suffering from a hangover, as Lois had earlier in the morning. Lois sighed and thanked her lucky stars that she had a super husband to take care of her. He had helped her through the ravages of her hangover feeling.
Lois said, "Looks like it has worn off here too."
Clark saw Jimmy approaching and he recognized the look in his eyes, "Maybe not, completely."
Jimmy pulled Clark aside, "CK, can you lend me some money?"
"Sure, will $20 do?"
"I need $800."
"What?"
"There's this dress. I want to buy it for April."
"Jimmy, that's just too much. Look, I'd advise you to quit trying to impress her."
Jimmy, was looking desperate, "I can't help it. I'm making a fool out of myself, but ... I can't stop."
Clark patted Jimmy on the back and said, "Don't worry. It'll be over soon enough."
Jimmy handed Clark the papers he was carrying and walked off.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Lois cleared away the final vestiges of the previous couple of days from her desk and booted up her terminal. When she did a reminder popped up about the dinner with Lex. She thought, <Uh, oh. What are we going to do about this?>
Just then, Clark strolled over to his desk. He was looking through a FAX that had just come in. He had gone to check the FAX machine instead of going straight to his desk. He sat in the visitor chair next to her desk.
She asked, "What'ca got?"
"Would you believe that this is the report from STAR Labs? It says that the sample was mostly alcohol, which is to be expected. That's usually the main solvent in these kinds of things. It says that the active ingredients are a mix of pheromones."
Lois said, "Pheromones. Never heard of them."
"Sure you have, Lois. Pheromone. 'A chemical substance secreted by animals which produces specific responses to other individuals of the same species.'
Lois looked at him and asked, "What'd you do, memorize a dictionary?"
He chuckled and said, "I'm a speed-reader"
"Okay, so let me get this straight. The male and female of each species releases pheromones to attract a mate."
"That is essentially it."
She leaned in very close so that she could whisper, "There's proof, if you ever needed it that you, Clark Kent are human. My pheromones attracted you and your pheromones, definitely attracted me. Mmmmmmmm.
That makes
us the
same species."
"The problem is that this stuff is so powerful that it overrides the normal inhibitions that everyone has."
With a nod, Lois said, "Luckily the stuff wears off within forty-eight hours."
"According to this, it would depend on the person's metabolic rate."
Lois had been looking at the report and putting it down said, "I still don't get it. I mean, Doctor Ferguson said this stuff shouldn't work unless you're already physically attracted to the person. Then, it just over-rides our normal restraint. That must be why I was so insatiable. I didn't have any restraints when it comes to you."
Clark expanded on that, "Right. There has to be some animal magnetism there to begin with. All this substance does is inhibit that part of your brain that acts as an intellectual defense mechanism, leaving the person unable to control themselves."
Lois put her hand on his arm and said, quietly, "I just want to thank you for being such a wonderful, careful, gentle lover. If not for that, I'm sure I'd be sore after all of that activity."
He smiled and whispered, "I think my aura helped out with that. It helps protect whoever is within it from harm and you were definitely within my aura."
"The spray didn't affect you. Were you just patronizing me, or what?"
"Lois, believe me, I loved every minute of it. I didn't need a pheromone spray to make me attracted to you. That happened the first second I laid eyes on you."
"It took me a little longer and some advanced memories courtesy of Herb, but I'm right there with you.
"I think we need to get back to this story."
"Fine by me. What are those other papers?"
"Oh, Jimmy gave me the Bio on Miranda. Let's see," he started reading, "First in her class at M.I.T. Oh, here's the snake in the woodpile."
Lois interrupted, "Snake in the woodpile? Must be a Kansas saying."
He gave her a cheeky grin and continued, "Guess who funded her research."
"You don't even need to give me a hint. Luthor Industries.”
“Bingo.”
“No big surprise. He funds half of the scientists in Metropolis. He probably doesn't even know who she is. We can ask him tonight"
Clark was startled, "Tonight?"
"Yeah, we're having dinner with Luthor."
"Lois, you know I can't stand the man."
"I know, but he does find me attractive and maybe we can use that to get information."
Clark didn't look happy and just said, "We need to talk to Perry."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Meanwhile - in the copy room
Phil, the copy machine repair tech, looking physically drained, had collapsed on top of a box of copy paper. His hair was mussed, his glasses were askew, his tie was loose and half of his shirttails were outside of his waistband. Cat, looking more than a little disheveled was at the copy machine. She had just fed in a sheet of paper and was awaiting the result. When the copy came out completely perfect she looked at it in disgust. She muttered to herself, "Perfect."
Phil overheard her and in a somewhat disappointed tone as he reached to straighten his glasses, said, "Well, I guess my work here is done. I've got other service calls to make."
Cat said, "Not so fast." Spotting Phil's tool kit, she walked over to it and picked up a pair of needle nose pliers. Returning to the machine she opened the cover and reached into the inner workings with the pliers and felt around. Bumping into something she clamped down on it and with a wrench pulled it free. Smiling, she held up her prize while Phil looked on in mixed horror and relief.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Perry's door was slightly open so Lois and Clark simply walked in. Clark closed the door behind them and they moved over in front of his desk.
Perry was sitting there, behind his desk, with his head buried in his hands. When he looked up to see who had had the temerity to enter his office uninvited, Lois let out a gasp. Right in the center of his face, there was a very big, very white bandage across his nose and over his cheeks.
Clark, concern in his voice, asked, "Chief, what happened?"
At the same time, Lois asked, "Does it hurt?"
Answering Lois first, Perry said, "Only when I laugh, although there's very little danger of that happening in the near future."
Clark spotted what appeared to be some legal documents on Perry's desk. He used his supervision to look at them then to provide a cover he picked them up to look at them. "Sexual harassment … Rehalia …"
Perry offered, "That's not the worst of it. Alice threw me out. Called me a no good hound dog. Now I'm livin' in the heartbreak hotel. One hundred and fifty-nine bucks a night."
As Clark placed the papers back down on his desk, Lois spoke up, "Chief, you have a defense. A complete defense."
"We've been looking into what happened. We found out that a research chemist sprayed a pheromone compound on us." Clark added sympathetically.
Perry was puzzled, "Pherawhat?"
"Pheromone!"
Clark added, "It made all of us …"
Lois interrupted to clarify, "Some of us …"
Clark finished, "... fall wildly in love. Completely beyond our control."
Perry brightened up and sat up straighter in his chair. "Well, that'll take care of the lawsuit. But not Alice. She'll never have me back."
Lois advised, "Fight for her, Chief."
Clark added, "Shower
her with presents. Write
her poems. Put
her on a golden pedestal. Tell
her you
worship her."
Perry thought about this advice and his continence brightened, briefly, then he sagged in his seat and said, "She'll never buy it."
Clark encouraged him, "Come on, Chief. What have you got to lose by trying? Explain what happened over a candlelight dinner. After sending her some roses, of course."
Lois nodded her agreement, "Yeah, that should work. Roses and a nice dinner. I like that idea. Go for it, Chief."
"I guess it's worth a try. Okay, I will."
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