This is a very, very short look into Lois' mind after Clark's proposal. It's NOT part of my At First Sight series, just lately everything I write seems to be an introspective piece.
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, plot lines etc. are property of DC Comics, Warner Bros and December 3rd Productions. I write these just for fun and aren't making any money off them, etc. etc.
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I told Perry that I’ll never lose Clark.
Was it really only a few months ago that I said those words? So much has changed.
I was wrong. I could never lose Clark to Mayson Drake, I know that now. But there are other ways of losing someone you care about, and if I make the wrong decision now I’ll lose him in a more fundamental way than to a transient relationship.
I wish I knew which decision was the wrong one.
Clark asked me to marry him.
He loves me, and I love him too. More than I ever thought- ever dreamed- possible. But is that enough?
If Clark wasn’t Superman, this decision would be easy.
Funny how things change. Two years ago, a year ago even, I would have said that Superman was the prize. Now Superman is the wedge that may keep Clark and I apart.
Superman belongs to the entire world, and there’s nothing I could- or would- do to change that. But can I really deal with what that means for us? The absences, the worry that someone, somewhere, has discovered Kryptonite, or the truth about Clark? The ever-present threat that someone might just try to get at Clark through me, or through our family? After all, it’s happened before- more than once.
Can I deal with never knowing if he’ll be there when I need him?
I’ve seen first-hand the damage that a workaholic can do to a family, and this is surely the most extreme kind of workaholism. I know there’s an enormous amount of difference between the person that wants to be somewhere and can’t and the person who just doesn’t care in the first place, but the end result is the same. And what if we have children? How do I explain to them why their father isn’t at their school play, or their Little League game, or their parent-teacher night? Especially in the early years, when we can’t give them the real explanation for fear that they’ll blurt it out?
Am I strong enough to deal with the baggage and burdens that come with being Superman's wife? I don't know.
Why happens if I say no? It'd break his heart, and mine. And then what? It would take time, but Clark wouldn't stay single. He's that rare combination of gorgeous and a wonderful guy; women throw themselves at him- the names Toni Taylor, Cat Grant, Linda King and Mayson Drake come to mind- and eventually he will find someone else.
Can I stand by and watch Clark marry another woman?
No.
The thought makes me feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, and for a few horrible moments I can't breathe. Is this how Clark felt when I was so determined to marry Lex?
So these are my choices. Marry Clark and lead a life of uncertainty, or reject his proposal and lose him forever.
I don't know what the future holds. And as clichéd as it is, I don't know if I can live without Clark Kent- something that I, a strong, independent woman of the nineties, never thought I would say.
I do know that I don't want to try.
