The Real Me
By: C. Leuch
The sun shined brightly down on the throng of people gathered near the Metropolis Court House. It was Saturday, which meant that the street was closed off for a couple blocks in each direction to make way for the weekly Farmer’s Market. Vendors sold almost anything imaginable in the booths that lined the street, from food to crafts to clothing, and everything in between. On this late morning, Clark and Lois found themselves mingling among the crowd, taking in the sights on what wasn’t a date, necessarily, though it felt like it might as well have been. Their first official date was only a week behind them, and the change to their relationship that it had brought still felt very new. It was almost as if they were really getting to know each other for the first time, seeing parts to each other that they hadn’t noticed before. As they strolled through the crowds, Clark’s hand found Lois’s, and far from shying away from the contact, she gladly took it, pulling him closer to her as they fought through the crowds. At one point they stopped and shared a breakfast burrito, each taking bites in turn, the act intimate in a way that was novel to them. The idea of sharing food with her would’ve been preposterous before, but ever since their date, the exquisite bite of shared dessert, and that kiss, it didn’t seem odd at all.
Clark had been determined to make the most of this time with her, tuning out the sounds of the rest of the city and focusing on Lois. Metropolis could get by without Superman for one Saturday morning, and for the first few hours, it did. The two of them spent some time parked on a bench people watching, commenting on the colorful mix of patrons that passed by, drawing a few in for conversation from time to time. Clark teased Lois that she might actually get a reputation for being personable after spending a morning chatting with strangers, and she took it in stride, teasing him back that his boy scout image might take a hit if people heard the commentary they shared while watching the crowds. As they wandered around later, they tried the samples offered at various booths, chatted with the vendors, watched the musical acts performing at various street corners. At one point Clark stopped and bought Lois an orchid, one that would look perfect on the little side table in her living room. All in all, it was a morning to remember, and Clark couldn’t remember when he had been happier, more relaxed. He had considered asking her to the art show that was at the civic center a couple blocks away, but then his hearing began to pick up something. From the apartments in the buildings lining the street, the televisions and radios all began to relay the same report, and while he tried steadfastly to block it away, to stay true to him promise to only see Lois, it became hard to ignore the urgency of the voices, and he listened. And what he heard made him grow cold.
News out of Nebraska stated that a train carrying oil tankers had derailed in a small town, and sparks from the accident had set off an inferno. A whole town faced devastation, unknown numbers of people were missing. This was something he couldn’t ignore, shouldn’t ignore, but… he badly wanted to.
Clark stopped his forward progress, eliciting a curious look from Lois. Coming up with excuses to quickly leave had become old hat over the last year and a half, but things were different now. He couldn’t pull out the “Cheese of the Month” excuse in the middle of a private moment and expect Lois to buy it, or be happy about it. But there were only so many plausible excuses he could use, and none immediately sprang to mind.
“Clark, is something wrong?” Lois asked, concern evident on her face now.
“I…” Clark started, but then stopped and sighed. “I have to go,” he said, resignation in his voice, then let go of her hand.
“What? Why?” Lois said, her concern quickly morphing to confusion, with anger soon to follow.
“I just remembered that the plumber was supposed to come over to my apartment this morning,” he said, inwardly cringing at how weak that sounded. His voice didn’t hold the conviction that it used to when he made these excuses – he wasn’t even trying to sell it, didn’t really have the heart to, and she could tell.
“Do, you didn’t,” she said, her eyes narrowing. “What’s going on?”
He took a couple steps away from her, mentally pleading with her to just accept it like she always had before, but her face told him that it wouldn’t happen this time. “I’m sorry, Lois, I really am, but I HAVE to go. I promise I’ll call you tonight.” He backed up slowly and watched as she tried to process what he was saying, looking for the usual consternation, but what he saw made him pause momentarily. There had always been some anger or frustration before when he left like this, but today there was something new. Today she looked hurt. This was the first time Superman had interrupted them in the middle of a date, or almost date as was the case today, and running off in the middle of personal time was a different thing entirely than running off in the middle of a story or at work. This probably felt like he was tossing her aside, rejecting her, that she was less important than something that he couldn’t even bring himself to tell her about. His heart broke a little as he watched, but he didn’t know what else he could do. Every moment he sat there staring into her eyes, a little bit more of that town in Nebraska burned, and he really did have to go. With a resigned sigh, he turned and jogged through the crowd in search of a quiet place, then took off. But that look of hurt on Lois’s face lingered in his vision long after he left.
---
Cleaning up in Nebraska had taken most of the afternoon. By the time he made his way back to Metropolis, the sun was hanging low in the sky, and his mood was rather stormy. There had been lives lost in the accident, and most of the downtown had been burned to the ground in the resulting fire. It would’ve undoubtedly been worse if he hadn’t been there, but it still felt as though he hadn’t done enough. Amplifying those thoughts was the persistent vision of Lois, and the nagging thoughts of what leaving her that morning meant for him, for them.
For the longest time, he had told himself that his ultimate goal in a relationship with Lois was to have her accept him for who he was deep down. She had been in love with Superman from the first time he stepped in front of her in the suit, but for the longest time she thought of Clark as an annoyance, later as a friend, but never as a love interest. That had begun to change recently, and the kiss shared a week earlier had made it clear that she now considered Clark more than just a friend. It was what he had always dreamed of, but…she still held a torch for his other persona. That continued infatuation made him wary, made him believe that he still had work to do to win her over, but he also had to admit that the whole situation was partially his fault. After a long, frustrating day, it was so tempting to float over to her apartment and step into the window that she always left open to him, to talk to her about what he had done and seen as Superman, to get things off his chest that he would otherwise keep inside. Sure, he had been careful to drop the innuendo that he used to use with her, back when just a glimpse of the longing in her eyes she always regarded Superman with was enough to help him endure the coldness she felt toward his other self. But things had changed.
Somewhere deep inside, the naïve part of himself believed, even hoped, that he could keep things as they were, that he could always have things both ways. Even while he tried to convince her to view Clark romantically, he could still tease her with visits by his other persona, keeping her in the dark about the fact that they were the same person. He couldn’t tell her the truth, the reasoning went, until she totally committed to loving Clark, because only then would he know that love was real, and that she didn’t still harbor feelings for some fantasy character that was only fiction, after all. But the more he thought about it, and he had thought about it a lot while staring down the inferno that afternoon, he began to realize that this course of action wasn’t realistic, or fair. He expected her to fall out of love with part of himself in favor of the other part, before telling her that, surprise, they were both the same person to begin with. What sense did that make? At the same time, as he kept her in the dark about his other identity, he was expecting her to just blindly accept the fact that he kept disappearing on her. Today might have been the first time he had left her in the middle of a date, but it certainly wouldn’t be the last. How could he expect her to love him, to accept him, to believe that she was the most important part of his life, if he kept lying to her and seemingly rejecting her? In her place, he would be angry and hurt, and he couldn’t expect anything less from her. So his thinking, his actions, had to change if he wanted his relationship with her to move forward.
The part of himself that still worried that Lois didn’t truly accept the real him told him that he couldn’t just visit her apartment and announce that Superman was Clark Kent, even if that was the easy answer. It would be a shock, and it would be entirely possibly for her to take the announcement the wrong way. She would feel stupid, maybe feel used, certainly would be angry. With Lois, the trick to earning her acceptance, apart from being extremely patient, was to make her feel that she was in charge of the situation. If he blurted out his secret, that put him in charge of the conversation. But if he helped her to find the truth on her own, let her follow the clues to her own conclusion, maybe he could avoid the hurt feelings and anger. Or maybe not…but he had to try. He had to do something, because he couldn’t go on hurting Lois like he had hurt her today.
Hovering outside her building, he clenched his hands into fists, set his jaw, and slowly flew toward that open window. Now that he had decided on his course of action, he felt fear starting to creep into his subconscious, but he mentally pushed it away. Tonight. He would set her down the path tonight, and then, hopefully, he could begin to rebuild her trust in him, the real Clark Kent, the one that only his parents really knew. And then he could earn her love.
***
Lois sat in her living room reading a magazine, the cool evening breeze causing the sheers in front of her open window to flutter gently. She tensed slightly every time they moved, expecting to see Superman standing there, feeling disappointment wash over her when he wasn’t. Tonight, of all nights, she needed him to stop by. She needed a friend, someone to chase away her dark mood, one caused by her only other close friend, someone who she had begun to think of as so much more, but now she wasn’t sure.
Her almost date with Clark that morning had been a lot of fun. Sure, they had hung out plenty of other times in the past, before they officially started dating, but there was something about this morning – the brightness of the day, the feel of his hand in hers, the teasing, the amusement and longing in his gaze when he looked at her. It was… magical. As the morning progressed toward noon, she was beginning to think that the prospect of more mornings like that one, more time with Clark period, would be a very pleasant thing. But then he got that faraway look in his eyes, the same one that had become all too familiar over the past year or so, made a weak excuse, and left her there, alone among the crowd. It wasn’t the first time he had left her like that, but she had thought that maybe the fact that they were now in a relationship would somehow curtail his disappearing spells. Obviously it hadn’t, and she could only conclude that it was something about her that made him run. He didn’t even try to sound halfway convincing in his excuse, and even though he did apologize, this time she wasn’t ready to forgive him. And she was beginning to think that maybe she needed to take a step back from considering a romantic relationship with Clark if he had so little regard for her.
Lois sighed and lowered the magazine, closing her eyes and leaning her head back. She couldn’t concentrate on the articles anyway, not with her subconscious as occupied as it was at the moment. She supposed she could take her mind off things by getting up and doing something…cleaning the bathroom or doing some laundry, maybe? But before she could convince herself to get up, the curtains fluttered again, and this time a pair of red boots landed on the floor of her apartment, a hand pushing the sheers aside. Lois smiled as Superman took another step forward, his expression hard to read. He looked a little grimy, no doubt the result of spending the day fighting an oil fire in the Midwest. Usually he greeted her with a little smile of his own, but tonight he seemed preoccupied.
“Superman?” she said, eliciting a sigh from him as he crossed his arms across his chest. “Is everything okay?” She sat up a little taller, pushing the magazine off her lap and giving him her full attention.
“It’s…been a long day,” he said with a weak smile.
“Train derailment. I heard,” Lois said.
He bobbed his head once. “That was part of it, yeah, but…” he seemed to become self conscious, then gestured toward the couch. “Can I sit down?”
“Of course,” she answered. Lois noticed that for a brief second, she could see nervousness flash across his face, but it disappeared before she could blink. What could he have to be nervous about? He sat at the far end up the couch, well away from her, and clasped his hands together, staring at them for a moment in silence. “Did you want me to get you something to…” Lois said, gesturing toward the kitchen, but Superman shook his head.
“No, thanks,” he said. “I actually was just thinking…” he looked at her, his features molded into the pleasant expression she was used to, although this time it seemed to be hiding something deeper. “It seems like I find myself at your window at least once a week. I don’t know what it is, if it’s just the opportunity to talk openly with a friend, or that fact that you make me feel…” he smiled and cocked his head sideways, catching himself saying something that he didn’t necessarily want her to hear. “…that you always know what to say to put things in perspective,” he corrected himself. “Coming here is usually the highlight of my day.”
“I’m always happy to see you,” Lois said cautiously. She couldn’t help but thinking that there was a “but” coming, and she found herself dreading what he was going to say next. There was a time when any statement from him that mentioned feelings toward her would’ve been welcomed with some sort of celebration, and her heart was certainly beating a little faster because of it, but she hadn’t been blind to the fact that his visits had become more professional, that he was keeping her at arm’s length even though he still gave her a private audience. He felt more like a friend than a love interest now, and this was beginning to feel a bit like a break up. “In fact, I’m glad you came tonight. Talking to you is usually the highlight of my day, too.”
He scooted forward on the couch fractionally. “It occurred to me, though, that this isn’t the way that real friends interact, is it? Is there anyone else in the world that you would allow to enter your apartment unannounced, that you would put your life on hold to speak to? I feel like a bit of a heel for expecting that of you, for taking advantage of your willingness to do that. It’s not fair to you.”
Lois opened her mouth, not sure what to say for a moment. It was a fair question, she supposed. “I just want to see you, and if that’s what it takes…” she said with a shrug. That’s what it was about, wasn’t it? Superman wasn’t someone she could expect to spend time with in the real world outside these walls. He didn’t pal around with friends, he didn’t do things for recreation or go out to eat. Here it was just the two of them, here he could be himself, and here he could say whatever was on his mind. That probably wasn’t true of anywhere else in the world.
“But that’s not what it takes, or at least it doesn’t have to be. I’d like to, I don’t know, talk with you over dinner sometime, or take a walk with you around Centennial Park. Like normal people do.”
Lois gave a quick laugh. “No offense Superman, but you’re not exactly normal,” she said, looking down toward his chest. After a moment, though, her gaze returned to his face, and what she saw there surprised her. His eyes appeared to be twinkling, his smile looked like he held a secret.
“Lois, where is it that you think I go after I leave here? Where do you think I spend my time when I’m not out helping people?” he asked, leaning back and relaxing.
“I don’t know,” she said with a shrug. “Floating up in the sky? Looking for bad guys?” It wasn’t something she had thought about, really. For a man who could be anywhere in the world in moments, he could spend his time literally anywhere, and part of her imagined him perched on a mountaintop somewhere, listening, waiting. But the little smile on his face told her that maybe she had been wrong.
“I have an apartment here in Metropolis,” he said. “Paid for with money earned at my job.”
She furrowed her brow. “What about all the money from people selling Superman dolls and comic books? From the deals that Murray Brown guy makes for you? Couldn’t you use that for a place to stay?”
Superman smiled and shook his head. “That all goes to charity. Superman wouldn’t dream of taking money from anyone. But the real me… I have to eat. I have to pay the electric bill. So I have a job.”
Lois found herself speechless for a moment. “The real you…?” she managed to say, though a thousand other questions suddenly leapt to mind.
“Has a name, a college degree, driver’s license, credit cards… a couple pieces from the Ikea catalog. The real me is a pretty decent chef, and fairly handy around the house. What, do you think I walk around in this outfit all the time?” he said, gesturing toward himself, his smile growing. “I’m a lot more normal than you think.”
She stared at him dumbfounded, as if she was seeing him for the first time. How could he be anything other than Superman? How could someone who could do what he could do pass as anything less than extraordinary? “But…I thought you were an alien, came from another planet.”
“When I was a baby,” he said softly. “I was found, adopted, raised by a great family. I was a pretty ordinary kid until around junior high, when my powers started showing up. The flying didn’t happen until I was almost out of high school. That was…something special.”
“But you never told anyone,” Lois said. Superman first appeared a couple years ago, but it didn’t take any special observational talents to see that the man in front of her, whoever he really was, had been out of high school for quite a few years. Lois liked to think that she had a nose for news, and even going back to her college years, she’s fairly certain she would’ve been interested if she had heard stories of a flying man, of someone so strong he could lift mountains, but she had never heard anything like that, not even after Superman arrived, when she had actively looked. So it stood to reason that he hid himself, his talents, from the world in that time. “God, you must’ve been so lonely,” she said, scooting toward him.
He shrugged, his expression becoming tender, but not sad. “I could…can always talk to my parents. They know everything. I told you that my mother made my suit, surely you remember.” Lois closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She had completely forgotten about that. In the excitement of the moment, it had been ignored in favor of the less mundane aspects of his appearance. “It always surprised me that you never looked for me after that, knowing there was a guy out there whose mother owned a sewing machine and bought several stores out of blue spandex.” He seemed amused at the fact, though Lois was still too surprised to know what to think or feel.
“This is…I mean, it’s…educational, I guess,” Lois said with a shake of the head. “And I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but…why tell me all this?”
His smile grew. “Because I want you to find me.”
All of a sudden it became clear what he was doing. These were little breadcrumbs, laid down to try and lead her to him. He was entrusting her with his greatest secret, something that he had probably never told anyone, something that she hadn’t been worthy of knowing, apparently, until this moment. What had initially felt like a break up was now almost beginning to feel like a proposition, like he was opening himself up to a deeper relationship with her, and it was exciting and confusing at the same time. “Couldn’t you just tell me who you are? Give me your name?”
“What fun would that be?” he answered. His eyes twinkled for a moment before his expression began to morph into something more serious. “Anyway, this is about you making a choice. If you prefer not to know who I am under the suit, I will respect that. I will be disappointed, but at least I know that’s your decision. But if you do want to meet me, the real me, then you can have that. That’s my decision, what I want.”
A wave of emotion washed over her as she listened to him, bringing goosebumps to her arms. It was a gift, borne of infinite patience and faith in her. She wanted to hug him, to give immediate confirmation that she did in fact want that, but something in the back of her mind held her back. Before she could resolve what, Superman was speaking again.
“I’ll even make it easy for you,” he said. “Tomorrow night, 9 PM, the Midnight Club. I will be there, barring a big emergency of some sort,” he continued with a wave of the hand.
“But, how will I know it’s you?” Lois asked. Superman opened his mouth as if to say something, but he closed it quickly. She could guess what he was going to say, that she’d just know and that was that, but she wasn’t so sure that was true. And the prospect of going up to some unknown person she thought was him and being wrong, well, that was just embarrassing. She could make a complete fool of herself and not even realize it, which would undoubtedly take the fun out of what could be a really special situation. Lois stood abruptly and looked around, trying to think of something that she could give him that would confirm his identity without him having to say anything. After a moment her eyes found the kitchen counter, and the loaf of bread sitting off to the side. Quickly, she went over and took the twist tie off the bread, tying a loose knot onto the end of the bag before heading over to Superman.
“Give me your right hand,” she said. When he held it out, she looped the twist tie around his ring finger a couple times before twisting the ends together and wrapping that around the palm side of his finger. She kept a hold of his hand for a long moment before letting go and looking at his face again. What she saw made the goosebumps rise up again, the barely contained emotion obvious in his expression. A twinge of long forgotten feelings for him surged though her, before she realized why it was that she had hesitated a few moment earlier. “I’m seeing someone, you know,” she said, cringing slightly at how abrupt the statement seemed.
“I know,” he said in a raspy voice. He exhaled and stood, his expression softening. “And I’m happy for you, truly I am.”
“Then, what is this about, really? Dinner together, walks in the park…it sounds romantic to me.”
He sighed and looked away. “It just seems like all this,” he gestured around the apartment, finally pinching the fabric of his outfit, “is some sort of fantasy. Superman is fiction, Lois. Yes, there’s some part of me that comes through, that you bring out of me, but it’s just a small part. I appear at your window as your hero, the ‘God in a cape,’ and you always give me a smile and an encouraging word when I need it.” Lois blushed as his “God in a cape” comment, but she let it pass. “I suppose we both provide a little something to each other that we’re missing in our real lives, but in a way that’s safe, that avoids any kind of emotional investment. We can’t keep this up forever – surely you can see that. At some point our lives will have to move forward. Maybe the relationship with the person you’re seeing will get deeper, maybe you’ll just get tired of me…maybe I’ll have to move on again, like I’ve done so many times before. I don’t want to hold you back, Lois, but I do want to stay your friend, and I want to stop pretending. The only way to do that is to move our relationship into the world of reality.”
She nodded. He was right, of course. His visits did have an air of fantasy, enhanced by the fact that it was HER fantasy, that nobody else in the world got to experience. It had occurred to her that it would have to end at some time, but she preferred not to think about it, to enjoy his presence while she could. But…did Clark know about the fact that Superman flew into her window at night? What would he think if he did? As mad as she was at him for running out on her, she conceded that he had every right to be mad at her for her relationship with Superman. She did put her evenings on hold, she did keep her windows open in the crime-filled city, for the possibility of having her hero stop by, however briefly. She was sure Clark wouldn’t begrudge her friendship with Superman, but knowing that he visited her here, this way…that had the potential to hurt him. “I agree,” Lois said after a long moment.
Superman smiled and took a step toward the window. “Then, until tomorrow,” he said.
As he was stepping onto the ledge, a thought suddenly popped into her head. “Have I met the real you before?” she blurted out. “In public, I mean.”
His smile was maddeningly even, and he stepped up and floated gently out of the window. “Goodnight, Lois,” he said, a whooshing sound indicating a moment later that he was gone. It wasn’t a denial, Lois realized. That meant that they probably had met, and she hadn’t known him. The idea caused her legs to feel weak, and she stumbled back and plopped onto the couch. Who was he? How had they met? There were so many questions, with so many potential answers, that her mind had a hard time keeping any of them straight.
Closing her eyes, she let herself revel in her fantasy for one last night, let her mind wander over the facts that Superman had given her, and what they meant. She imagined Superman pushing a cart through a grocery store, standing in line at the DMV, sitting through a college lecture…playing in his yard as a boy. Perfectly normal situations for normal people, but all places that Superman had no business being. But, the little voice in the back of her mind told her, he had done all those things, that he lived as a real person in the real world, an anonymous face in the crowd. Somehow, though, she had trouble imagining him wearing anything other than the blue spandex and red cape, even though he probably wore real clothing most of the time. But nobody had come forward saying that they knew who Superman was – no landlords, co-workers or classmates, not even the anonymous person off the street. Even in a city of more than a million people, he had hidden himself so well that not one of them could see him. It made her feel better for not recognizing him herself, she supposed, but it still made her question whether she ever really knew him at all.
So what DID he look like when he wasn’t wearing his Superman outfit? The superhero couldn’t be more open in his appearance – his eyes were unobstructed by a mask, his body shape and build were…well-defined under the spandex. Maybe his civilian identity was worn like a disguise, covering him up. Maybe he wore a wig, or something similar to a mask, though obviously not a real mask, since that would defeat the purpose. What if he wore glasses? Those would serve the same purpose as a mask, though he certainly wouldn’t need the correction they brought. Maybe he had a fake nose or wore colored contacts, had a fake mole, or…maybe it was none of those things. He did say that he had lived on Earth most of his life, which meant he had friends that he couldn’t fool with a disguise, yet they still didn’t see him when they saw Superman. What if his disguise was simply his personality, the fact that, whoever he was, nobody would ever believe that Superman could possibly be him. Maybe he was amiable, easygoing, faded into the background, something considerably less than the force of personality that Superman was. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking, she thought, realizing with a frown that she was projecting onto him the personality traits that she desired in a man…that she found in Clark. With a frustrated grunt, Lois forced her mind to change its focus.
It occurred to her to wonder what kind of job Superman could hold when he wasn’t busy saving someone. If he had a bachelor’s degree, then that meant that he probably held a white collar job, though it seemed like he would be better doing something that involved brute strength, like construction work. But he was obviously intelligent and kind, and she had never thought to ask the types of probing questions that would reveal his knowledge base. Was he an engineer? A doctor? A teacher? Whatever it was, it had to afford him the opportunity to leave during the middle of the day, since he seemed to make rescues at all times of day. That excluded any job that involved meetings or appointments, or required rigorous attendance. It probably also excluded anything that involved hourly billings, although, she thought with a smile, it would be interesting to see how much real work someone with Superman’s speed could accomplish in an hour. He would be the world’s most affordable attorney, she thought with a chuckle – able to work an entire case in the matter of minutes. But…that probably wasn’t it. Maybe, whatever he did, he worked from home. Or maybe he had some job that brought him in and out of the office throughout the day, not unlike her own job.
With a sigh, Lois shook her head and made herself stop. She could go crazy going through all these scenarios. She looked at the phone, briefly wondering if she should call Clark and discuss this with him, but ultimately deciding that Superman had come to her, confided in her, asked her to find him, not Clark. Anyway, she was still mad at him, and her discussion with the Man of Steel hadn’t changed that. So… maybe she could go to the Planet and do some research? It wasn’t particularly late, and the computers there would be able to search through information much more efficiently than her home computer and frustratingly slow dial-up modem. But what would she search for, exactly? Superman had been pretty generic in the clues that he had dropped, not giving her much to work with. She supposed she could seize on the little nugget of information regarding his mother and the fact that she bought a lot of fabric for his suits, but that could be true of anyone making costumes for whatever reason – school plays, Hollywood productions, you name it. She could possibly try to dig up information on any UFO’s or meteorites spotted in the late sixties, when his speacecraft probably came to Earth, but that would probably mean having to reach out to the tin foil hat crowd, and they were notoriously…flexible with the truth. She could look for people who were new to town as of a year and a half ago, but that list was probably pretty sizeable.
Giving a frustrated grunt, Lois stood up from the couch. It was becoming evident that the answers to her questions would have to wait until tomorrow night, at the Midnight Club. Until then it would be sweet torture. Without another thought, she grabbed her purse and went for the door. A walk could help get her mind off things, help time move a little bit faster. Tomorrow it would all become clear, but it seemed so far away.
