TOC -------------------------------------------------------
A reminder:
Lane == Lois in a blond Malibu Ken body.
Alexa == Clark in a blonde Malibu Barbie body.
-------------------------------------------------------
"You know what's really annoying?" Lane asked as they waited in line to order coffee from the small coffee vendor just inside the lobby of the Daily Planet.
"What?" Alexa prompted.
"We have a signed marriage license, and apparently we're married under the laws of an entirely different planet, but I haven't been through a wedding ceremony and the one you attended… well, that wasn't you as you and it certainly wasn't me."
"So, let's find ourselves a justice of the peace and get married. Or we can fly to Vegas…"
"A wedding is supposed to be an 'event'. Something you celebrate with your friends and family," Lane said.
"So, big wedding, little wedding, secular, religious…?"
"We don't know that many people as 'us'," Lane reminded her. "So, little, obviously."
The man tending the espresso machine smiled as they stepped up to counter.
"Morning. What can I do to make your day a little better?" he asked. He had a non-descript face, average height, average weight. Mister Average. But there was something about him that made people feel… 'comfortable'.
"A lot of chocolate, a little caffeine, no fat," Lane ordered. It was hard to break old eating and drinking habits.
"Same again, but double the caffeine and triple the fat," Alexa said.
The man started making their drinks. "Starting your wedding plans?"
"Pardon?" Lane said.
"Your wedding plans," he repeated.
"I'm sorry, but we're already married. Besides, do we know you?" Lane asked.
"You're a little nervous, my boy. Don't worry. It's fine to be nervous; just fine," the man said with a smile.
"Look, I don't want to be rude, but I have this rule about talking about personal matters to strangers," Lane said.
"But I'm no stranger, Lane," the man said as he handed over their order.
"Who are you?" Alexa asked.
"I'm Mike," the man answered as if it were obvious.
Alexa stared at him as if trying to place his face. "We've... have we met?"
"You worry too much, Alexa. About Lane. About everybody. You're doing just fine. You two ought to get on your way. You're gonna be late."
Lane and Alexa nodded and started toward the elevators.
"What were we talking about?" Alexa asked, sipping her coffee.
"Wedding plans… Well, look, I'm not gonna get all strung out over this... I mean, I'm just nervous, it's normal to be nervous… Even a small wedding is a big deal…" Lane said.
"But it's not worth worrying about," Alexa said. "Sometimes I think I have this tendency to let everything make me worry about…"
They stopped and looked at one another, as if trying to recall something important they'd shared. But that something was growing more and more obscure.
"Did something weird just happen?" Lane asked after a moment.
"Yeah, I think so."
-o-o-o-
"Hey guys," Jimmy called out when they got off the elevator on the newsroom floor. "Inspector Henderson called. He said for me to tell you that a guy named Asabi was found dead in his cell this morning."
"Did he happen to mention what killed him?" Lane asked.
Jimmy shook his head. "The autopsy's scheduled for later today. But he also mentioned that somebody broke Myrtle Beech out of the Laurelwood Hospital for the Criminally Insane last night."
"Who would break the Wedding Destroyer out of the hospital?" Alexa asked.
"The bigger question is who is she after this time?" Lane asked.
"Well, if Lois and Clark weren't… you know… she'd be going after them," Jimmy reminded them. "They're the ones who identified her and got her put away."
"But since they can't possibly be the target, who else would she be after?" Alexa asked.
A call to Laurelwood's administrator, Kenneth Byrd, didn't reveal much. Beech had only one person visit her during her incarceration – Dr. Voyle Grumman, a self-styled grief councilor. He had visited several times, including the afternoon before the break out. The police had gone over her room already but as far as Byrd knew, Beech had been fixated on Lane and Kent and had simply refused to believe they had died. As far as he was aware, Beech wasn't interested in any other weddings.
"So, we're looking for a needle in a haystack," Lane complained.
"Well, it's just possible that therapy at the hospital helped her. Plus, if she's smart she'll decide to leave the country," Alexa suggested.
"No," Lane said. "She was fixated on Lois and Clark and doesn't believe they're gone. She’ll go after a couple she thinks is them."
The elevator doors opened and a messenger stepped out. He looked around. "I have a package for Lois Lane."
"Uh, Lois Lane is…" Jimmy began but Alexa cut him off.
"Yes?"
The messenger handed her a package. "Sign here, please."
Alexa looked the package over. It was addressed: TO: L.L., FROM: T.W.D.
"The Wedding Destroyer," Jimmy elaborated.
Alexa signed for the package and opened it to find a small tape recorder.
"What if it was a bomb?" Jimmy asked.
"It's too early in the game for a bomb," Alexa said.
Alexa pressed the play button. The Wedding March began to play through the tiny speaker. Then there was the sound of a man crying, then more men. A crying woman was added to the mix, then more women. A chorus of misery and sorrow.
Alexa turned it off.
"Okay," Lane said. "She's convinced that Lois and Clark are still alive and planning their wedding. We already knew that. And signing for the package will only confirm it for her."
"Signing for the package doesn't matter. Refuse it and she thinks they're running scared. Besides, Alexa P. Alexander signed for it, not Lois Lane."
Perry came out of his office to see what was occupying the trio.
Lane explained the situation.
"Do you want me to reassign your stories so you can work on this?" Perry asked.
"It's not
our wedding she's after," Alexa said. "Besides, it would smack of favoritism. We already get dirty looks from Ralph and a couple of others here when you come to talk to us like we were
them. By the way, Chief... No cowboy boots?"
Perry looked embarrassed. "Aww, Sally said my boots were doseying when I was doeing. And I couldn't get my tush to push. Maybe I'd do better with the tango."
"To tell the truth, Chief, Country-Western doesn't suit you," Lane said.
"But maybe sometime we can take you to a county fair with a tractor pull and a rodeo, and maybe even a stock car race," Alexa said with a grin. "I'm sure we can find a rodeo this far east."
"In the meantime, Jimmy, pull every nano-byte we have on Myrtle," Lane said. "Just because Lois and Clark aren't planning a wedding doesn't mean there isn't somebody else that psycho's targeting in their place."
-o-o-o-
"So, a little wedding, just friends and family," Alexa said. They were having dinner in a small family-owned restaurant in Shanghai. It was one of Alexa's favorites for Chinese take-out.
"Maybe that little chapel we saw 'before'," Lane suggested. "At least this time we don't have to worry about my mother planning ridiculous things like live doves."
"Thank heaven for small favors," Alexa said with a chuckle.
"A cake from
Carlisle's?"
"Wouldn't be a Metropolis wedding without one."
"Ask Perry to do the honors?"
"He'd love it."
"Having the Kents there is a given, but do we invite the Lanes?"
"Do we tell them about us?" Alexa asked.
"Sam will probably be okay," Lane said. "Not so sure about Ellen. And Lucy… at least she and Ron eloped otherwise I'd be worried that Myrtle would go after them for revenge."
-o-o-o-
The next morning brought few answers in regard to Asabi's death – the autopsy was unrevealing and the toxicology results would take at least a week. Alexa wasn't convinced that the Medical Examiner would find any cause of death aside from the fact that Asabi's heart simply stopped. Alexa didn't know if a marked stone had been found with his body.
Emily Channing was the first name on their list to interview concerning Myrtle Beech.
Channing lived in Bakerline with her husband and two children. Channing herself was Myrtle's age, well dressed, exquisitely made-up and obviously well-to-do. Her husband, Edgar Channing, was a vice-president of one of Metropolis' larger advertising firms.
Dotty stayed with the Suburban while Bob maintained a discrete lookout.
"You were supposed to be Myrtle's bridesmaid..." Lane said.
"Yes," Emily responded. She was obviously on edge, twisting a tissue in her hands.
"What was she like, before...?" Alexa asked.
"Sweet. Such a romantic. Dying to be loved. She was an orphan, you know..." Emily said.
Lane checked his notes. "Mmm hm, parents died when she was five, lived in boarding schools until she was eighteen when she inherited a two hundred million dollar fortune..."
"That's when she met Roger. He was one of the lawyers handling the estate," Emily explained.
"And on the day they were supposed to get married, he died in a car crash on the way to the chapel," Alexa said.
"She looked so beautiful in that gown, so happy and innocent... I felt horrible, just..."
"What kind of unusual behavior did you first notice in her... after?" Lane asked.
"Well, she started making scenes at other people's weddings, friends of ours," Emily told them. "Pretty soon, she wasn't invited to anything anymore. ...I'd hear stories about how fixated she was... if she couldn't be married and happy, then no one could. Someone told me she let rats loose at some poor girl's wedding... told lies to the groom about the bride at another. That's probably about the time Lane and Kent started their investigation."
Alexa made a show of checking her notes. "The first they heard about it was she phoned in a bomb threat at a church, then poisoned a wedding cake... sank a boatful of people on the way to a reception..."
"She never actually killed anyone, though did…?" Emily asked with a plaintive note in her voice. A tall man came out of the house, heading for the sedan parked in the driveway.
"Be right there, honey," Emily called to him. She turned back to Lane and Alexa. "We've got a wedding. Sort of ironic."
"She's very, very dangerous, Mrs. Channing. Is there any way to reach her? Maybe something you could tell us about the fiancé?" Lane asked.
"He was... a man. Myrtle always said he was perfect, the one perfect person she ever knew."
"Was he?" Lane prompted.
"I ... I don't know. I don't think there are any perfect people. I think he... he wanted to love Myrtle," Emily said. The tissue was in shreds.
"Are you saying he didn't?" Alexa asked.
"I'm saying she didn't really know him. And that's probably the problem. If she had, she wouldn't have idealized him so much... and she'd be able to get over this."
Mr. Channing was sitting in the car with the motor running. He honked the horn.
"Well, maybe if you could tell us…" Alexa started.
Emily started to move toward the waiting car. "Look, I don't want to get too involved. Myrtle scares me. I don't want anything to do with her. I'm sorry." With that she headed for the car at a near run.
There was a commotion in the bushes by the neighbor's fence. Bob appeared with Nunk and his photographer in tow. Nunk was wearing a headset and holding a boom mike. Bob had a camera in his hand.
"You can't just take my camera... my film..." Lamont, the photographer, was complaining.
"I'm sure our CPO has a good reason for taking your camera," Lane said with saccharine sweetness. "Aside from the fact that you really should be in jail, Nunk. And you
were warned to stay away from us."
"State of Virginia decided not to extradite him," Lamont said. Nunk glared at him. Lamont shrugged. "It's the truth."
"But I just had another thought..." Lane continued. "You know the escaped lunatic known as The Wedding Destroyer has been threatening two dead people that you guys have had an inordinate interest in and I have to wonder if someone's been slipping her false information? Someone who's got a reputation for having eyes everywhere, someone who'd do anything for a story? No matter how many lives were endangered. No matter many how lies he has to string together…"
"Good, that's a real good theory. Now lemme show you a little theory," Nunk said, pulling out his cell phone. "It's called, 'speed dialing my lawyer.'"
"Excellent," Bob said a little too cheerfully. "And then your lawyer can explain to you the consequences of violating the restraining order against you for being within 500 feet of either Mister or Missus Alexander."
Nunk clicked off his phone.
"See, Mr. Nunk," Lane said. "Superman may not be around anymore, but we do have friends in interesting places... And if they had any proof you were helping Myrtle... well, the phrase 'God help you' takes on a whole new meaning because believe me - only God
could." Lane made a show of straightening Nunk's lapels.
"Well, that's very dramatic, Mister Alexander, but Lamont and I are reporters, not criminals," Nunc said.
"That's debatable," Bob muttered.
"And we'd like our equipment back." Nunk held out his hand for the camera.
Bob removed the film cassette from the back of the camera then handed the camera back to Lamont.
"Hey, what about my film?" Lamont complained.
"How about some time in Central Holding for violating the restraining order against you?" Bob asked. He had his own cell phone out.
Nunk and Lamont hurried down the street and around the corner at a near run. Lane watched as they climbed into a beat-up black van and sped off.
"When did we get a restraining order against them?" Alexa asked.
"The day I reported him," Bob answered. "You have to be 'forceful' with his type. Legal threats are about the only thing they understand." He looked at Lane. "By the way, did you do what I think you did?"
"And what do you think I did?" Lane asked innocently. Bob just shook his head and started back to the waiting Suburban. Lane and Alexa hurried to catch up with him.
Alexa noticed a gardener trying to lift a heavy bag of clippings onto the back of a nondescript truck. Without even thinking about it, Alexa hefted the back into the truck.
"Thanks, Alexa," the gardener said.
The gardener had a non-descript face, average height, average weight. Mister Average. It was Mike. "Hey, you're…"
"I think Lane needs you," Mike said.
"Lane needs me," Alexa repeated, dazed. She followed Lane and Bob, climbing into the Suburban after Lane.
Lane was looking through a small black notebook. "Now this is interesting. Dr. Voyle Grumman, grief therapist..."
"Hm?"
Lane looked sharply at Alexa. "You okay?"
Alexa shrugged. "I'm not sure… Something weird happened…" She glanced back at the gardener but there was no one there. Even the truck was gone, vanished as if by magic.
-o-o-o-
Doctor Grumman's office was only half-an-hour away from the Channing's home in an old mansion that had been converted to professional offices. Grumman's office was on the first floor.
A middle-aged receptionist ushered Lane and Alexa into Grumman's office. The office was dark with dark furnishings. Even funeral parlors weren't as dark and depressing as Grumman's office. Grumman himself was seated behind a dark mahogany desk. He smiled as they entered but there was a twitchy nervousness to him. There were beads of sweat on his forehead and neck even though the room was actually fairly cool.
They chatted for a few moments, Alexa and Lane asking innocuous questions about his practice, finally moving to discuss Myrtle Beech.
"So you were Myrtle's grief counselor after her fiancé died?" Lane asked.
"Yes. Oh, yes."
"When did she stop seeing you?" Alexa asked.
Grumman seemed to get even more nervous. "Oh, it was, ahhh... she was a patient for a very short time. I wasn't very effective in her case. Obviously."
"We came across something kind of interest, though. Out of the twenty or so weddings Myrtle disrupted, six participants became your patients. Seems like kind of a coincidence, doesn't it?" Lane said.
"Well, there are very few therapists who specialize in cases of romantic grief. In fact, I'm the only one I know of here in Metropolis. So..." Grumman said with a shrug.
"But if Myrtle was your patient for such a short time, why were you the only person who went to see her after she was hospitalized?" Alexa asked.
Grumman wiped his face. "I was?"
Alexa nodded. "Why were you visiting her?"
"I… uh… She was an interesting case…"
"Do you know a reporter named Leo Nunk?" Lane asked.
"Nunk?" Grumman repeated. "No. No, I don't."
Lane looked him over critically. "Are you warm, Doctor?"
Grumman managed a smile. "A bit. Yes."
"Dr. Grumman, when you review your notes on Myrtle, any information you could give us would be greatly appreciated," Alexa said, handing Grumman a business card.
"Conversely, if you should happen to undergo anything of a... grief-inducing nature, don't hesitate to call," Grumman said, handing Alexa his own business card.
"That was creepy," Lane stated as they headed back to the Suburban.
"I remember reading about this building," Alexa said. "It belonged to an alleged bootlegger during Prohibition. It's riddled with secret doors and hidden corridors and rooms. It looks like Grumman has a secret office in a sub-basement that the city doesn’t know about and has never been inspected."
"Well, I know what we're doing tonight," Lane joked.
-o-o-o-
Breaking and entering was quick and almost too easy using super powers. While Alexa watched from the roof in case Grumman came back to his office, Lane found the secret controls that opened the doors to hidden passages. Lane was in and out in seconds. Even if Grumman had a security system in place, it wouldn't have detected his entrance.
"Got it," Lane announced once he left the building. In his hand was a file folder labeled 'BEECH, MYRTLE'.
They scanned the contents. Lane gasped. "Oh, my God... Do you think this is true?"
"I don't know," Alexa said. "But I can think of better places to read this than Grumman's roof."
Back at their hotel suite, Lane and Alexa read through Grumman's file on Myrtle Beech.
"All right, so let me get this straight. Myrtle's fiancé dies in that car crash...," Alexa said. "Myrtle comes to Grumman. Grumman starts talking to some of Myrtle's friends, ostensibly to get a more thorough psychological portrait of her but..."
"...
but what he pieces together is that Myrtle's perfect fiancé wasn't so perfect after all. Mr. Perfect was having an affair with Emily the bridesmaid. No wonder she's so afraid of Myrtle. Look, it says here they were coming back from a hotel in separate cars; both ready to tell Myrtle the wedding was off when his car hit an ice patch and flipped into a ditch. So that was Myrtle's great lost love."
"And Grumman knows this and he's kept it from her," Alexa concluded. "Look at this, this guy is really sick: 'Myrtle's emotions are the clay with which I will mold a creature driven by grief and pain...' See here? It was even his idea for her to disrupt that first wedding..."
"But this doesn't help us find out who he and Myrtle are targeting, thinking they're Lois and Clark."
"And Nunk's notebook doesn't have anything on that, either."
Aid-car sirens sounded in the distance. Alexa listened to the distance voices for a moment. "Somebody's been electrocuted... they don't know if they can get him to the hospital in time... But there's nothing around the victim that could have caused it."
"Let's check it out," Lane decided.
They landed in the shadows of the alley a short distance from the aid-car. Paramedics were working on a man lying on the ground. A police car was blocking the entrance to the alley. As Alexa had reported, there was nothing in the alley that could have electrocuted the man. After several minutes the lead paramedic shook his head.
Lane and Alexa move closer. "Wait, we know this man," Lane called out. "That's Leo Nunk from the Inquisitor. Who made the call?"
The paramedics shrugged. "We didn't see anybody here when we got here."
Lane and Alexa scanned the area and spotted Nunk's photographer hiding in the shadows. He came forward when he realized they'd seen him.
"I called it in," Lamont told them.
"You saw who did this?" Lane asked.
"I was hiding back here, I didn't see anything but I heard... it was Myrtle Beech... and that doctor..."
"Voyle Grumman?" Alexa asked. Lamont nodded. "How'd they kill him?"
"I don't know, some kind of electric thing... there was a bright light, then..." He stopped. "You were right, Nunk made a deal with them, he's been slipping them information. Only half of what he was telling them was lies. Trying to convince them Lane and Kent were in hiding and you guys were just fronting for them, that you could lead them to them. They're crazy, I mean, really crazy..."
"And Nunk didn't know that? Why would he set us up like that?" Lane asked.
"Revenge? He had a good thing going reporting on Lane and Kent. I mean, Luthor, clones, kidnapping, amnesia, you name it. Then they get killed and you guys show up out of clone tubes. Only instead of being stupid and gullible or partying and getting into trouble, you turn out to be straight arrows. Heck, you both got reporting jobs at the Planet. Do you have any idea how many people in this town would kill for a chance like that? Then you turn Nunk in, and get a restraining order against him. His career in this town was over unless he got dirt on you two."
"Well, since Lane and Kent are dead, what wedding was Nunk planning on pointing Myrtle at?" Alexa demanded.
"Whoever's getting married at the All Faiths Chapel day after tomorrow at three."
-o-o-o-
"The police have no leads on Beech or Grumman. They figure they're holed up somewhere, laying low, until the wedding," Alexa explained to Perry the next morning after the staff meeting. "Nunk's photographer is in protective custody at an unspecified location. It's unlikely Beech and Grumman know there was a witness to Nunk's murder but the police and DA Clemmons aren't taking any chances. Tomorrow, before the wedding, the bomb squad will be discretely checking out the chapel."
"However," Lane added. "We got a good look at Nunk's body before the ME's people took him away. He was electrocuted and the ring finger on his left hand was almost burned off. We're really sure one of the wedding rings for the Hardy-Joseph wedding has been tampered with."
"And, of course, we can't print anything until these two crazies are locked up," Perry said. He looked the pair over, pointedly staring at Alexa's left hand. "I notice that you two are still not wearing wedding rings."
"All we really have is a piece of paper we didn’t sign and a minister's signature that was no doubt forged," Alexa said quietly. "In fact, I'm real sure the whole license is a forgery. I mean, we know the rest of the documentation is faked. Really good fakes, but fakes."
"So, when are you thinking of getting a real one?" Perry asked.
"Today, maybe, probably," Lane answered. "I mean, we're still getting used to waking up like this. Remembering which restroom to walk into…"
"Which clothing department…" Alexa added. There was a plaintive note in her voice. "Remembering that I probably shouldn't be volunteering to move heavy stuff for people. Nobody thought twice when Clark did it.
I get funny looks."
"You'll figure it out," Perry promised. "And in case you forgot, I'm still an ordained minister of the First Church of Blue Suede Deliverance and I'm registered with the city. Just don't spread it around."
"We would be honored to have you conduct the ceremony," Lane said. "Now we just have to figure out everything else."
-o-o-o-
"Have I told you recently that I love you?" Lane asked. It was well after sundown and they were hovering over the city to see if they could locate Beech and Grumman.
"I think with everything that's happened, we've both forgotten to say things like that," Alexa said. "I do love you. And more than that, I'm
in love with you. I think fell in love with you the first time I saw you. And I know we can handle anything that happens…"
"...as long as we're together," Lane completed. Alexa floated closer and Lane pulled her into a kiss. This time, finally, everything fit together just right. It was a soul searing, time-stopping, toe curling kiss that promised more.
"Lura Jen-Lo, alias Alexa Parker Alexander, formerly known as Clark Jerome Kent," Lane said solemnly. "Will you do me the honor of marrying me?"
"Loq-El, alias Lane Alexander, formerly known as Lois Joanne Lane, yes. I will marry you."
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"
Swear To God, This Time We're Not Kidding" was written by John McNamara.
