Half an hour later, Jason’s trophy room – and indeed, all of the asylum – was being processed by a large, very hardworking group of police officers and forensics experts. After double checking that he was no longer needed, and after giving his detailed statement to both Inspector Wales and Commissioner Gordon, Clark finally left that depressing hellhole where he, Bruce, and Lois could have so easily lost their lives. It made him shudder to even think about it, and he looked forward to leaving the deteriorating building behind.
Once he was high above the asylum, he gave a warning for the others to remove their earpieces and then shot away at top speed, instantly tearing the air around him with a sonic boom. He made his way to Wayne Manor, his course as straight and unwavering as an arrow loosed from a bowstring. In less than a minute he arrived and headed directly to the Cave. He found Bruce already hard at work at one of the computers, the Petri dishes of Harley and Jason’s blood before him. Alfred bustled to and fro, serving sandwiches and drinks to everyone. Lois was picking at hers, clearly upset. That worried Clark. Lois’ appetite could sometimes rival his own when she was nervous or angry. He’d rarely seen her without an appetite, unless she was deep in thought.
Jimmy looked up from his work at the main computer and waved Clark over.
“CK! Here, I’ve got something for you.”
“Hey, Jimmy. What is it?”
“Evidence.” Jimmy waved a VHS tape aloft and wiggled it slightly in a victorious manner. “I had to heavily edit it, of course. I couldn’t have anything that showed Bruce’s face, Lois, or use any sound bytes that used anyone’s real name. But on here is enough audio and video to nail Jason and prove he was the one who did everything – including his confession.”
“Everything?” Clark asked incredulously.
“Everything. That he’s Jason Todd. That Joker used a decoy body and had the records falsified. That he killed Joker and took over, using his identity. It even has blurry footage of Harley attacking Jason on the rooftop. Everything,” Jimmy repeated with a smug smile.
“The footage from the roof…are you absolutely certain Bruce and Lois can’t be identified in it?” Clark asked, concerned.
“CK, I’ve never seen equipment as sophisticated as Bruce has here. I did everything imaginable to the film. You were way too far away for that little body cam to get a clear shot of them. Don’t worry. They’re safe.”
Clark breathed a sigh of relief. “If you say so, I believe it.”
“I promise. I wouldn’t have left it in if I had even a shadow of a doubt,” Jimmy assured him.
“Jimmy, you are amazing,” Clark said with a grin. He clapped his friend on the shoulder. “Oracle indeed!” he laughed.
“Thanks, CK,” Jimmy beamed proudly. “You want me to figure out a way to get this to the police anonymously or…” He let the question go unfinished.
Clark shook his head. “I’ll drop it off now at Inspector Wales’ precinct. The sooner we get all of this behind us, the better. I have more important things to worry about. Like making amends for my lies.”
“CK, look. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t need to apologize to me. Yeah, okay, I guess I was shocked when you…changed into Superman right in front of me. But…it’s okay. I get it. Everyone’s entitled to secrets and to live a normal life. It’s like when you see celebrities going undercover so they can go to the mall in peace and not get swarmed by rabid fans. I’ve never blamed them for wanting to be out of the spotlight from time to time. So why would I blame you?”
Clark looked down, humbled by how quickly his friend had forgiven his actions. “It’s a good analogy,” he said after a moment. “But for me, please understand that Clark isn’t the disguise. When I go out there as Superman, that’s when I’m undercover. This,” he said, sweeping a hand before his costume, “isn’t the real man. It’s how I can go out in public and use my powers to help, without giving up who I really am. If anyone found out that Clark Kent isn’t a regular, human man…I’d never be left alone. Everyone I care about would be a target. I wouldn’t be able to be Clark anymore.” He was looking at Jimmy, but he knew he was speaking more for Lois’ benefit than anyone else’s. He felt her eyes on his back and he chanced a side glance at her. “I’ve never wanted to be Superman full time. Clark…Clark is who I am. Maybe it wasn’t who I was born as…but neither was Superman. Clark is who I’ve been all my life. It’s who I was raised to be. Who I still am. Who I hope I get to die as one day.”
Jimmy nodded solemnly. Then, perhaps to lighten the mood, “I understand. But, um…just one thing?”
“Yeah?” Clark asked, hesitation and a little uncertainty tainting his voice.
“All those times we got together after work or on a weekend and we’d play basketball…did you…let me win?”
Clark laughed when he realized Jimmy was teasing him. “I swear to you, Jimmy, any loss or win I took was well deserved. I’ve never used my powers to cheat anyone, ever.”
“Never cheated? What about in our investigations?” Lois asked icily, narrowing her eyes, daring him to lie again. “All those front-page Superman exclusives you ‘happened’ to snag?”
Clark dipped his head in acknowledgement. “Yes, I’ve used my powers to uncover leads. But never to get anything that we couldn’t have otherwise gotten through other means. And…at least in my mind, using my abilities to aid our investigations and put criminals behind bars…I feel like…like it’s a…justifiable use of my powers.” He felt his cheeks redden in embarrassment. “As for the articles…I didn’t write them for glory or recognition or journalism awards. But Perry expects a lot out of you and me. I want the paper to be the best, Lois. If I didn’t write the articles…or give you the information to write them…someone else would have. If I was wrong to do that, I apologize. But…I’ve always had the best interest of the Planet at heart.”
Lois nodded to herself, but said nothing.
An awkward silence filled the room until at last Clark couldn’t take it any longer. “Okay, let me drop this tape off. I’ll be back in a second.”
Without waiting for a response, he rocketed out of the Batcave and across Gotham to Precinct 12. There he left the precious VHS tape with the heavyset, dark skinned Officer Rawls. He gave the man a brief description of what the tape contained, and asked the policeman to please give it to Inspector Wales when she returned. Rawls promised he would personally ensure that it got into Wales’ hands. Relieved to finally have the matter settled, Clark took off back to the Cave.
“The police have the tape,” he announced as he stepped foot back inside.
“Good,” Bruce said without looking at Clark.
“Where’s Lois?” Clark asked, looking around.
“She went to change out of the Nightwing suit,” Bruce replied, still bent over his work. He waved vaguely at the ceiling and the manor above them.
Clark sauntered over. “Any luck on the blood?”
Bruce gave him a sour look. “Not all of us have super speed, you know.”
“Ah…sorry,” Clark apologized. “So…uh…how long before we know for sure if Joker infected Jason?”
Bruce sighed as he typed something up on the computer he sat at. “A while, unfortunately.” He rubbed at his tired looking eyes. “Honestly, I’m not sure which way I want this to turn out. I want there to be a reason for Jason’s madness. But I’m not sure if Joker infecting him makes the change in Jason more or less disturbing.”
“It’s not your fault either way,” Clark reassured him. “You told me what happened – how hard you looked. A body and records to ‘prove’ the owner’s identity…” He put his hand on Bruce’s shoulder. “Any person would have believed it was him and ended the search.”
“I know. But he was still my responsibility. I should have…done something. Been better. Instead, I let him down. And because of that, he was tortured for years and twisted into someone so evil, he no longer resembled the man he once was.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Bruce,” Clark said softly. “Jason was old enough to make his own decisions. He chose to fight alongside you. From what you told me, he was more than capable as a fighter. He knew the risks involved in being Robin…just like I did, when I took on the role of Nightwing. You can’t beat yourself up for not physically being able to save him.”
Bruce looked at him and his eyes seemed to bore into Clark’s soul. “And you don’t beat yourself up when Superman isn’t able to save someone?”
“Touché,” Clark replied with a shrug. “I do it all the time. It’s something I’ve really had to work on, since putting on the suit. It’s not easy, I’ll admit that.”
“No…it isn’t easy,” Bruce agreed.
Clark sighed. “Maybe…maybe it’s not supposed to be. Maybe it’s supposed to be hard, to keep us humble.” He paused for a moment, lost in thought. “Anyway…Bruce…about Lois and Jimmy…I never meant for them to find out…” Clark started, picking his words with care.
Bruce held his hand up in a “stop” gesture. “I know. They both explained what happened. I’m wasn’t thrilled when I first found out that they know but…I’d say we were both extremely lucky they were here and in on the secret today.”
“No kidding. If not for Lois, we’d be dead,” Clark agreed somberly. “Still…I wanted to apologize.”
“It’s not me that needs the apology. It’s something that couldn’t be helped and I’m okay with them knowing. Jimmy seems to be okay with our identities too. It’s Lois that needs the apology.”
“Believe me, I know,” Clark agreed.
***
“Lois?” Clark asked cautiously as he walked into the living room in Wayne Manor, fifteen minutes later.
He’d waited as long as he could, down in the Batcave, but Lois hadn’t returned from changing out of his old Nightwing costume. He’d changed back into his own normal clothing as he waited and talked a little with Jimmy and Bruce as he’d tried to pass the time. But his mind and heart had strayed back to Lois constantly. Finally unable to wait any longer, he’d excused himself and gone looking for her.
Lois looked up at the sound of her name, and Clark could see even from across the room that she’d been crying. He could see the redness of her eyes and smell the tang of salt from her tears. His heart sank.
I did this to her, he admonished himself. I’m the one who made her cry. I promised myself I’d never give her a reason to cry and look what I’ve done.
“Can…” He stopped and cleared his throat. “Can we talk?”
She shrugged and gestured silently to the opposite side of the couch. Clark took it as a “yes” and made his way over. He sat down gently, perhaps a little closer than Lois would have liked, but he wanted to be there for her. It pained him not to be able to reach out and make her tears vanish. It killed him inside to know that he’d hurt her, instead of being the one who took all her hurt away.
“Lois…” he began, looking for the right words. “I…I know there’s nothing I can say right now that will fix all the wrong things that I’ve done. But…I want to try, if you’ll let me. I want to make things right again. Even if you hate me, even if you never want to speak to me again after all is said and done…I want you to know how sorry I am.”
“Sorry because you got caught in your lies,” Lois threw back at him, anger and sadness dueling in her voice.
“No,” he replied honestly. “No. I’ve never been happier in all my life to be caught in a lie. I’ve wanted you to know for a long time. I just…I hate the way you had to find out. It’s not how I wanted you to discover the truth about me at all.”
“You lied to me, Clark! Every single day, you lied to me,” she said hollowly, her voice hoarse with raw emotion. “And I was dumb enough to just accept them all at face value, even when I knew something was going on. All these awful excuses. All the times you bailed on me. I just sat there and let you laugh at my stupidity.”
“Lois!” Clark said, shocked she could ever think of herself as being anything but the brilliant, capable woman he’d come to know, respect, and love with all his heart over the last year. “You aren’t stupid. You’re the smartest woman I know. Which is why it was so difficult, keeping Superman as a separate person in your eyes.”
Lois stared at him like he’d suddenly sprouted a second head. “Is that supposed to be an apology?” she asked incredulously, as if he was an idiot.
“No,” Clark stammered, “it’s not. That’s not how I meant it at all. Let me start again.” He sighed as he thought, running his hand through his hair. “Can we walk? Maybe sit outside? I just…I kind of feel like the walls are closing in on me.”
“Whatever,” Lois said, rolling her eyes and standing.
Clark gratefully led the way outside. A cooling breeze was sweeping away some of the day’s heat, and he felt like he could breathe again. His mind felt a little calmer and a lot clearer.
“Thanks,” he said as they sat by the pool. He watched the sunlight dance on the water’s surface as the breeze made ripples on it. “Okay…what I meant to say was this. I’ve hated keeping Superman a secret from you. I’ve hated it since the very beginning. I’ve never laughed at you for not connecting me to the man in blue. In fact, when I first started out…when Superman first appeared…it was a relief that you believed the lie that Clark Kent and Superman are different men. It meant I was safe. You work alongside me every single day and you’ve interviewed Superman more than any other reporter on this planet. If you didn’t see it, no one else would. And that’s important to me, Lois. Like I told Jimmy, if people discover that I’m Superman, that’s it.” His hand sliced the air like an umpire calling ‘out’ on a baseball player. “There’s no going back. I’d have to give up being who I am, because I wouldn’t be able to have a normal life. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To have a normal life, like any average man, and to maybe find a way to help people along the way.”
He sighed. “I’m a selfish man, Lois. I’m not willing to give up my dreams just to play the part of Superman. But, at the same time, I also need to be Superman. I’ve wanted to have the best of both worlds, but I never stopped to consider the cost. I will never be willing to give up having a normal life. I will never be willing to give up you. Because you are my life, Lois. Superman…he’s a recent invention. He pales in comparison to my real life – going to work at the Planet, spending the day with you, playing basketball with Jimmy.” He shrugged defeatedly. “Maybe that makes me a bad person, but…I can’t change how I feel. So, when you didn’t make the connection between Superman and me, I was happy. Not because I wanted to trick you, but because I knew the Superman disguise was doing its job.”
“Fine. Let’s say I believe that. You still could have told me, Clark! Instead you kept up the lies. It’s not like I would have run around telling people! Did you think I’d print the exclusive story that a reporter from Kansas flies around in tights?” Lois spat.
“No! I mean…I wasn’t sure, at first,” Clark admitted.
Lois shot him a dagger-like look.
“I’m sorry, Lois, but yes, I’ll admit it. I was terrified that the possibility of winning a Pulitzer for exposing Superman’s true identity would be too strong of a temptation.” He couldn’t meet her gaze. “We’d only really just learned how to be friends and partners. I worried that it wouldn’t be enough to protect me, even though there was a part of me that was fairly sure you’d keep the knowledge to yourself.”
“You should have trusted that part,” Lois sneered harshly.
“I know. I wish I had.”
A deadly silence fell and Clark could hear his heart thumping with anticipation. Dread was coiled in his guts and the coppery taste of fear was in his mouth and throat. Despite the heat of the day, a cold sweat beaded up on his back and every breath felt like it would bring about his doom.
“Okay, I can understand why you would have been nervous about that,” Lois confessed after a moment. “But that was almost a year ago! You’ve had more than enough time to get over your fear of an exposé!”
“You’re right,” Clark agreed, looking down helplessly at his hands. “I have no excuse for that.”
“So why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to. But I found that, as time went on and I knew for sure that my secret would be safe with you, I became afraid of other things. Your reaction to it being number one. I wasn’t sure if you’d hate me for lying to you, even though I would be telling you the truth now. I wasn’t sure you wouldn’t be…disgusted with me.” He shook his head. “I’m not actually human, Lois. I look like one but I’m not from this planet. It’s a lot to take in…especially for the person who’s dating the alien.”
“You thought I couldn’t handle that?” she accused.
“I…wasn’t sure. And I was terrified to find out. Losing you…I couldn’t bear the thought of it.”
“So, instead, you figured…what? That you’d just never say anything and hope I’d never notice?” she asked sarcastically.
“Of course not!” He hung his head in shame. “I knew I’d have to tell you. And I wanted you to know. I just…it never felt like the right time.” His hand flew nervously up to his hair and he dragged his fingers through it, an old habit of his whenever he felt ill at ease. “It’s not a casual conversation you have in the car on the way to work. I did try, but something always happened. The night we went to Armand’s with your mother and Lucy, I was going to tell you once dinner was over and we were back at either my place or yours. Then Bruce called to tell me Grandma Tildy had passed and I was too upset to even think about my secret that night. I figured, fine, I’d put the conversation off until we got back to Metropolis.”
“Why didn’t you? That was almost a month ago,” Lois asked, her tone slightly softer but still mostly stony. She fiddled with her own hair, tucking a lock of it behind her right ear.
Clark sighed and sagged into the back of his chair. “Chen happened.”
Lois raised a skeptical eyebrow as she leaned forward, a look of utter disbelief on her face. “Chen? You’re going to blame this on that blowhard?’
Clark gestured helplessly as he sought the words to explain his inner struggle. “After he threatened me…threatened us,” he swiftly corrected, “and threw us out of Grandma’s funeral…after he rejected my attempt to apologize and turned his back on me…a lot of my old insecurities rose up again.” He stood up, needing to move to let out some of his nervous energy.
Go back to Metropolis or Gotham or wherever it is you need to scurry off to, like the rat you are.
He’s not welcome here.
I’ve got nothing else to say to you.
Chen’s words assaulted Clark’s mind again and it took all Clark’s willpower not to throw his hands up over his ears, as though that could block out his former friend’s condemnations.
“Insecurities? You?” Lois scoffed, blind to Clark’s internal pain. “The man who flies around in a semi-revealing pair of tights? Right.” She didn’t need to roll her eyes at him. Her voice did it for her.
If he doesn’t leave on his own, right now, he’ll be forcibly removed.
Superman treats strangers with more respect than Kent treats his so-called friends.
I’ve got nothing else to say to you.
He shook his head, trying to clear this mind, but the image of Chen’s enraged face lingered there like a scornful ghost. He wondered if he would ever be able to forget how much his actions had damaged such a once-loving man. He wondered if he even deserved to be free of such a painful memory.
He sighed heavily, the weight of his guilt for lying to Lois now mingled with his guilt for what he’d done to Chen. “Yes, Lois. I know I look confident out there as Superman. And I am. But my personal life?” He paced a little. “I’m not nearly as confident as I seem. Chen…” He stopped and sighed, rubbing the back of his neck in self-consciousness. “When I saw his reaction to me, it shook me up. I was prepared for him to be angry but he was almost violently hateful of me. Because he knew it was me, Clark. Meanwhile, just days before, Superman helped return a runaway boy to Grandma’s house. Chen was all smiles and gratitude to the Man of Steel. I hate using the phrase but…I saw a certain amount of hero worship in his eyes. I…I was terrified I might see the same thing from you – that moment when hatred and rejection would take over, and your attitude toward me would be irrevocably changed.”
“Chen’s lower than scum. I can’t believe you’d think I’m capable of becoming like him,” Lois hissed, sitting on the edge of her seat like she might fly into action at any moment. Clark couldn’t tell what that action might be though – if she would slap him again or if she would track down Chen and give him another large piece of her mind. “I defended you against that jerk!”
“Maybe it wasn’t the most rational thought,” Clark admitted, silently relieved she hadn’t risen from her chair to attack anyone. “But panic rarely allows logic to prevail.”
“So…what then? You figured you put off telling me until when? The night we got engaged? Maybe when we got married and wound up making love on the ceiling? Or maybe when our kids started to fly out of their cribs in the middle of the night?” she scoffed angrily.
Clark flinched at the venom in her words. “I was going to tell you today,” he said, fully aware that he’d told her as much earlier in the day. “After the fight, I was going to ask Jimmy to leave so that I could finally tell you everything.”
“After all that’s happened, why should I believe you?” she asked, her voice deflated, her eyes searching his for some evidence that he spoke the truth.
He faced her and stood with his arms and legs spread slightly, like a specimen on display for her scrutiny. “Because I have no reason left to lie, Lois. You know the truth about me. I’m done with the half-truths and partial lies. I’m tired. Tired of being afraid. Tired of running from things. You know me, Lois. The Superman thing aside, you know me. I’ve never lied to you before. Omitted things that would connect me to Superman, yes - but never outright lied to you.”
You’ve seen every part of me. Things I’ve never let anyone else see. Things about myself I’ve keep hidden from Chen and Jimmy and even Bruce. Please, see the truth of my words. You know me, Lois.
“I used to think I knew you,” she corrected harshly, looking pointedly away from him, breaking Clark’s heart anew in the process. Then she gave a tired sounding sigh. She pinched the bridge of her nose for a moment. “Ugh! What else haven’t you bothered to share with me?”
“You know pretty much everything,” Clark said, with a shrug, trying to keep his misery out of his voice. He dared to move closer, kneeling on the paving stones before Lois’ chair, like a sinner asking for penance, though he wasn’t brave enough to take her hand, the way he wanted to. “Everything about me that you know already is true. I really was a foundling child – only my parents saw my space ship crash land in Schuster’s Field, rather than find a baby in a basket on their doorstep. I grew up as Clark – I’ve never known any other identity than that. My parents died when I was thirteen, as you know. The courts decided I’d be better off if they shipped me off to live at Grandma Tildy’s halfway house, instead of staying with another family in Smallville. I lived there for a while and started to get comfortable with my new life, even if I didn’t completely love it – I was still an orphan, no matter how nice Grandma was. But I ran away and into a life of homelessness.”
“Why?” Lois interrupted, looking at him with curiosity, but still with blazing fury.
“Because I’m an alien with terrifying powers,” he said with a casual shrug. “Back then, my powers were still developing. It felt like new ones were cropping up all the time. I handled them all on my own, in secret, and did an okay job of it, if I say so myself. Until my heat vision kicked in, that is.” He gulped involuntarily as the memory rushed back, and all the feelings of helpless terror that had accompanied the incident. “I…set a tree on fire by accident,” he continued shakily, still haunted by the moment his world had changed and he’d made the necessary decision to vanish into the countryside, where he didn’t run the risk of accidently hurting or killing others. “Not a big fire, mind you, but enough to scare the living daylights out of me. All I kept thinking was that if I did it again, I could kill someone. I didn’t know what else to do, other than to run as far away from other people as I possibly could.”
He watched as some of the ice within her cracked, and her expression softened by the slightest amount. He saw the dawning of realization in her eyes, as she learned just how much Clark had given up in his quest to appear as normal and non-threatening as possible. She reached out and covered his hand with her own. Overjoyed at the tiny gesture, he found the strength to continue, shoving aside his shame and self-loathing for having run away, even though he still thought of it as the only way to ensure the safety of the people he’d cared about.
“I stayed in wooded areas as much as possible…to avoid being found and returned back to the home,” he continued. “I even spent a while living in an abandoned cabin I stumbled across, as I’ve already told you. By the time I realized I was no longer a threat to others, it was too late to go back to Grandma’s. So I just kept running, until, eventually, I wound up in Gotham.” Here, he couldn’t hold back the embarrassed flush of warmth in his cheeks. “I lived in a few homeless shelters, ate in the soup kitchens, and worked part time jobs that at least allowed me to replace my worn-out clothing. Until I unwittingly made friends with Bruce, that is.”
He looked up at the massive Wayne Manor, his home for nearly as long as Smallville had been. He nodded a bit, more to himself than to Lois – a silent acknowledgement of how lucky he’d been to befriend Bruce and of the life of privilege he’d come to know as a result.
Sheer dumb luck, his mind reminded him in a toneless whisper.
I know. I didn’t deserve it. But…I’m still grateful. I’ll always owe a debt of gratitude to Bruce for his kindness and willingness to give me a hand up in life.
“By then, I knew I couldn’t stay in the shelters anymore. Bruce offered his home to me but I didn’t accept right away…until an older, drunken man tried to sexually assault me.”
Rick! Get away from him!
Hold him down!
You okay, boy?
The police are on the way.
He knew the color must have rushed from his face as the assault was sharply brought back to his mind. Lois cupped his cheek in her hand and peered at him, concern written in her features. He could tell that she was at war with herself in that moment – concerned and appalled by what had happened in his past, and still reeling from his deception and the anger it had flared up in her heart. After a second, however, tenderness won out.
“Hey,” she breathed lightly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” he answered in a light whisper. “It…it was a long time ago. I defended myself and he wound up in jail so…”
He shrugged, trying to pretend that it no longer bothered him. And it normally didn’t affect him that much. For a long time, it had made him wary of other people, especially in situations where liquor flowed freely, like at Bruce’s galas. But, over the years, he’d learned to put the incident firmly in the past, content in the knowledge that he’d testified in court against the man and helped the drunk receive a hefty jail sentence.
Lois dropped her hand from his face, but the concern still shone in her eyes. Clark stood up again and crossed the small space between her chair and his.
“Anyway,” he continued, wanting to push through the rehashing of his past and focus on what might or might not be left of his future with Lois, “that was the tipping point for me. I took Bruce up on his offer first thing the next day. After I discovered that he’s Batman, I decided to help him by becoming Nightwing. But hiding in the night wasn’t for me. I needed to be free to help people in broad daylight too, especially after Tiffany Bronson got trapped when the Majestic Theater was demolished, so…Superman was born, even if it took a couple of months to get the idea off the ground.”
He sat back down and looked at her, but her eyes had gone back to being flinty hard.
“And, before you ask,” he added with a wry smile, “Bruce found out about me by accident. He caught me floating in midair after I’d fallen asleep on the couch one night. Actually,” he said, scratching his chin, “he knew I could fly before I did. I’d never done that before.”
“So, you have a history of lying to people. Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Lois asked, crossing her arms over her chest in an almost protective manner. Her anger seemed to be slowly cracking to reveal the hurt and sadness beneath it.
Clark felt his heart throbbing with sadness for Lois as it hit him once more just how badly he’d messed up by not telling her the truth earlier. His shoulders slumped and his voice went soft and low. “It’s not supposed to do anything, Lois. Except to maybe illustrate how stressful and utterly terrifying my secret has been.” He sighed. “And…honestly, it hasn’t just been my safety I’ve always been worried about. It’s everyone’s. You saw what happened today, with Jason. With all of us. He used the knowledge of Bruce’s identity and almost killed the three of us. Imagine if it got out that Lois Lane might know who Superman really is. A thousand Jasons would line up to torture or kill you to try to get that information out of you. If something happened to you on my behalf, I’d never be able to live with myself. Your safety is the most important thing to me, Lois.” He shivered involuntarily as he voiced his greatest fear.
“Oh, so you…lied to me to protect me?” she asked sarcastically, her tone of voice telling him she wasn’t buying his story.
“Yes,” he replied without hesitation, nodding firmly. “Not just you though. Everyone I care about would be a target if anyone ever suspects that Superman has an alter ego he slips into when he isn’t putting out fires and rescuing kittens out of trees.”
Lois seemed to mull it over and nodded after a moment. “I guess I can see that happening,” she grudgingly admitted. She looked less than thrilled to concede a point to him and she sat back in her chair. She crossed one leg over the over and appeared to appraise Clark, giving him a moment to elaborate.
Clark swiftly jumped on the opportunity to further illustrate his point. “Believe me, Lois. I’ve seen enough nutjobs like Joker and Harley and Jason pursuing Batman’s true identity over the years.” His eyes slid back to the Manor, as if it held the memories he sought. “It…hasn’t been without its casualties. Commissioner Gordon that Bruce mentioned? His daughter Barbara once helped Bruce out of a tight spot he was in. Two-Face thought she knew who Batman really is. He kidnapped her and brutally murdered her. I wasn’t around – I was stationed in Malaysia at the time – but Bruce told me about it. And Barbara didn’t even know it was Bruce under the mask. The association was all Two-Face needed to justify going after her.” He felt his palms moisten with the shame he felt for having been unable to prevent the young woman’s death, though he knew, logically, that there was no way any of them could have seen Two-Face’s dastardly plan coming. He absently wiped his hands on his pant legs, as if trying to wash off imaginary blood.
Lois’ eyes widened just the slightest bit in shock. “I…I read about the murder but I had no idea…” she stammered. “None of the news reports said that that was why she was killed.”
Clark nodded solemnly. “No one knew the reason why she was killed, except for Bruce and Two-Face. And me…too late. Everyone else assumed it was because he had a vendetta against her father. The Commissioner still thinks it was a vendetta, which, I suspect, is the only reason why he hasn’t put a price on Bruce’s head, so to speak.”
Lois looked troubled. Her brow was furrowed and her mouth was pointed down in a frown. Her shoulders dropped a little from their soldier-like stiffness and her arms unfolded to let her hands rest in her lap. “I guess…I guess you have a fair point with the protection thing.”
She fell silent for a few very long – in Clark’s mind – minutes. He wanted to beg and plead with her to speak – even it was to yell at him. But he bit his tongue, hard, and swallowed down each plea as it rose in his throat. Still, she did not speak. At one point, she looked at him, as though expecting him to break the ice, taking him off guard. He was prepared to take her lead, not to be the one she was looking to for the direction to continue in. He wasn’t sure what else he could say that would repair some of the immense damage that he’d done to their relationship. He didn’t know how to mend the wounds he’d caused her heart. But he was determined to try.
“Thank you, for saving my life today. Several times,” he finally said, knowing that it was, perhaps, too safe of a way to go, but needing to say it anyway. She had to know how much he appreciated what she’d done – not just for him, but for Bruce too. “I know I didn’t deserve it.”
“I couldn’t just let Jason kill you,” she said, appearing perhaps a little grateful to change the subject off his identity and lies. Clark thought he almost caught a hint of pride in her voice and a hint of a smile on her face.
“Still,” Clark said with a shrug. He reached across the space between them and took her hand in his own. “You put your life on the line for me. That’s not something I take lightly. It’s not something I’ll ever forget.”
“You’ve saved me how many times? Dozens?” Lois replied, sounding flustered and taking her hand back.
“That’s not the same,” he gently argued, hiding his disappointment in losing that physical contact with her. “When Superman flies in to rescue you or anyone else, he’s not really risking anything. Not usually. But you? You could have easily been hurt or killed. And you still went in there without a second thought.” He shook his head, still in awe of how brave she’d been.
“Let me guess, this is where the ‘you really need to check the water level before you dive in head first’ lecture starts,” Lois bristled defensively. Her arms went back to being crossed over her chest as she dared him to begin that lecture.
“What? No!” Clark sputtered, taken aback that she could think he would reprimand her, especially when he had done so much wrong to her. “This is where I wax poetic about how brave I thought you were. How much I admired how fearless you were. Lois…what you did today…it was heroic. Truly heroic. It’s easy for me to swoop into a bad situation because I have a host of abilities on my side that give me [/i]every[/i] advantage.”
He fidgeted nervously with his glasses. He’d put them back one once he’d changed back into his civilian clothing, in hopes it would help Lois see the man she knew and once trusted, but now he wasn’t sure if that had been a good idea. After all, the glasses were yet another big, fat lie he told the world every day.
“You don’t. Bruce doesn’t,” he went one, gently stressing the distinction in his mind between himself and his braver, power-free friends. “He’s got his gadgets, sure, but he’s a regular guy. And you…you didn’t even have much in the way of gadgets to help you out. You were the most average out of all of us there – and I mean that in the best way, believe me – and you didn’t hesitate to risk your life to save both Bruce and me. Two guys who – not to sound like a braggart or anything – have been doing the costumed hero thing for a long time now.”
Once again, he rifled his hand through his hair. “If you hadn’t shown up when you did, I’d be dead right now. Probably Bruce too.”
“You’re giving me a lot of credit here,” Lois said warily, eyeing him in a way that let him know she was judging the truth of his words.
“Because it’s deserved,” Clark replied just as quickly as she’d objected, pouring his truth and passion into his words, hoping she’d start believing him. “When Jason hung that necklace around my neck…I could feel my life draining away,” he said shakily, still reeling from yet another close encounter with the toxic rock. “Even if he hadn’t put a bullet in my head, that stone would have bled the life out of me anyway.”
“What was that, by the way?” she asked, sitting up a little straighter, her curiosity piqued. “I mean, I know you called it Kryptonite before but…what was it?”
“Kryptonite is the name Bruce and I came up with after my first run-in with it,” Clark said, gesturing vaguely to the house. “As far as I can tell, when my birth world, Krypton, exploded, some of the rubble turned radioactive in the blast and was pulled along in the wake of my ship as it rocketed to Earth.”
His gaze shifted to someplace far away and he no longer really saw the Manor before him. Flashes of the messages Jor-El had left for him flashed across his mind’s eye. The explosion. His ship, zipping through space, undisturbed by the event that had left him an orphan for the first time. The pieces of the planet, now glinting green, hurtling through the blackness of the universe. The crippling pain of his first encounter with the stone. The way the bullet had ripped through his Nightwing suit and into his surprisingly vulnerable body. The panic that had welled up inside when Jason had produced that necklace in the asylum.
“It’s the only thing I’ve ever encountered that can rob me of my powers. Just being in close proximity to it sickens me and saps my strength to the point where I can’t even stand. And the pain?
It’s like I’m being flayed alive inside of Hell’s oven.” His voice sounded far off and hollow in his own ears.
“How many ‘run-ins’ with it have you had?” Lois asked breathlessly.
“A few. Four I think. No, five, including today,” he replied as he called the incidents to mind. “The first time, was back when I was Nightwing. I wasn’t sure what happened, that time. I felt nauseous and weak, then I got shot and passed out. I didn’t wake up until Bruce had us halfway back to the Batcave. It took days before my powers returned in full.”
“You got them back pretty fast today, at least once we got out of that basement,” Lois observed with a frown, clearly trying to make sense of the discrepancy.
“I’ve recovered faster and faster after each exposure,” he explained quickly, so she wouldn’t think he was hiding anything, or worse, lying to her again. He shrugged and shook his head. “I’m not sure why. It’s almost like my body has created an immune system response to it. It can’t heal itself while the exposure continues, and it needs the sunlight, but its learned to recover faster, thankfully.”
Lois appeared to think it over. She scratched an itch on the back of one hand, then ticked off her points on her fingers. “Okay, today and the first time aside, where did you run into Kryptonite three other times?”
Clark sighed, hating to think of all the times Kryptonite had come close to ending his life. “Trask had some,” he admitted.
“Trask? Insane, fake government employee, Bureau Thirty-Nine, Superman hating Trask?” Lois asked, surprised. For just a moment, he saw her anger vanish in her astonishment.
Clark nodded. “Yeah,” he said, a quaver in his voice. “He figured out where Superman’s ship had to have landed and I guess that’s where he found the Kryptonite. A good guess told him it might be something he could use as a weapon against the ‘alien invader.’ Unfortunately, he was right and I was lucky to escape with my life.” His eyes closed as he fought down the bubble of panic that rose in him each time he thought of how badly the man had wanted him dead. “Ironically, during the first two encounters, he didn’t even realize it, because he was confronting the two of us, not Superman. I faked being sick to get away from him, and he was none the wiser that Clark Kent was reacting to an extraterrestrial rock.”
“I see,” she said, crossing her arms, her expression unreadable.
He waved away the mental images the story had conjured up. “No offense, Lois, but talking about Trask…I’d rather not. I still fear that other members of the Bureau might be out there, just as deranged and murder-bent as Trask was.”
“Fair enough,” she replied emotionlessly. “Can’t have them killing Superman, right?”
Clark’s heart sank. Was Lois truly more concerned about the loss of the hero rather than the loss of the man? He said nothing and tried to nurse his battered feelings by telling himself that she was still very, very hurt over his deception. But the comment still stung.
You deserve it, his mind hissed.
“So, what else have you lied to me about?” she asked after a minute.
“Nothing,” he immediately and sincerely answered. “Everything I’ve ever told you has been the truth, with the exception of Superman. Every emotion you’ve ever seen me have has been genuine. Every like or dislike I’ve ever expressed has been real. There hasn’t been a single thing I’ve done or said that I haven’t meant. Everything I’ve ever done to show you how much I love you has been the absolute truth.”
You’re my world, Lois. I would never do anything to jeopardize losing you. Except to be too much of a coward to tell you that I’m an alien with freakish powers, he thought glumly.
“How can I ever believe you? How can I ever trust you again?” Lois wondered.
“I don’t know.”
He spread his hands apart helplessly, ashamed that he had no good answer for her. He felt vulnerable in a way that was completely foreign to him. It wasn’t the fact that someone else knew about his secret – he’d never felt this way when Bruce and Alfred had found out. It was that he was powerless to fix the hurts he’d caused her.
“There’s nothing I can say or do that can fix what I’ve done. I know that. I accept that it’s my fault.”
Lois bit her lower lip, the way she always did when she was worried over something or holding back tears. Clark could see a glint of water pooled in her troubled chocolate eyes and what was left of his heart shattered. “After all the things I’ve told you about how other men have treated me…after all the assurances you ever gave me that ‘I’m not like other men, Lois’…how could you do this?”
She blinked hard, keeping her tears at bay, refusing to allow them to fall.
“Lois, those men used you for their own gain. I have never taken advantage of you,” he said, trying to bite back any defensiveness, feeling the need to stand up for himself, but very aware that Lois had every right to question how he could have lied to her for so long. He stood, unable to stay put in one place anymore, the need to move a primal, driving force. He started to pace. “And I have no problem owning up to the fact that I messed up. I’m not above begging for your forgiveness. But I’m also not egotistical enough to think that I deserve it. I won’t blame you one bit if you refuse to ever talk to me again. But, if you do continue to let me be a part of your life, I promise – no more secrets. I’m done lying and hiding. I want to be honest with you – fully and completely transparent with you. If you can find it within you to give me another chance.”
“I don’t know,” Lois said tiredly, sighing in a defeated manner. “I don’t know what to think, how to feel, how to process everything that’s happened today.”
“Take all the time you need,” he encouraged her. He stopped his pacing and shoved his hands into his pockets, like a schoolboy about to be chastised by the principal. “I know it’s not something a person can just…get over.” He looked out over the pool, watching the surface of the water as it changed colors as the sun dropped lower in the sky. “I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could start everything all over again and just be honest from the start. But I can’t. I don’t have a time machine. I don’t have time traveling powers. The best I can do is say that I’m sorry, as inadequate as that is.”
Lois sighed heavily but did not immediately speak. A silence fell – an uncomfortable quiet that made Clark’s palms sweat, stomach churn, and heart race. He tried to keep his breathing calm and even, listening to the songs of the birds who made the grounds of Wayne Manor home. It was a familiar soundtrack to his life that had often brought him peace, but not this time. This time the birds felt mocking and cold, and robbed him of any comfort he had hoped to gain.
After what felt like a lifetime, she spoke again, her words thick and tired sounding. “I think…I think I want to go home. I need to be alone for a while.”
“Of course,” Clark replied with a single, serious not, biting back his worry that she was choosing to be away from him, rather than talk things out further. But he knew this wasn’t something they could fix overnight, if they ever did recover from the wedge he’d driven between them with his lies. “We can leave as soon as you’re ready.”
“I need to speak with Bruce first,” she decided after a couple of seconds of indecision, during which she studiously refused to look at him and chewed her lower lip.
“Absolutely,” Clark agreed neutrally. He waited while she stood up, then trailed her as they crossed the paving stones around the pool area. He held the door open for her as they went back inside, into the living room. “He’s in the kitchen,” he said after listening for a couple of heartbeats.
Lois nodded and waved him away when he offered to lead the way, leaving him to stare helplessly and hopelessly as she walked away.
“Hey, CK,” Jimmy said from the couch once Lois was out of earshot.
“Hey, Jimmy,” Clark said, his voice sounding deflated to his own ears. Reluctantly, he turned to his friend.
“Please, tell me I just did the right thing,” Jimmy said, and Clark noticed that his friend was staring blankly into space.
“What happened?” Clark asked, now concerned for the younger man.
“I just turned down a legitimate offer to go work for Wayne Tech,” Jimmy answered, still not making eye contact.
To be Continued…
