Title: In the Spaces (Something’s Always Wrong)
Author: Susan Young <groobie@verizon.net>
Submitted: January 2019
Rated: G
Summary: At the end of season 1, Lois reflects.
Author’s Note: This story was inspired by the 2019 Kerth Challenge #2: Lyric Challenge. “The next song you listen to is the title of your fic and has to relate to the plot in some way.”
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Toad the Wet Sprocket, “Something’s Always Wrong”
Official video Complete lyrics Again (We fail)
It seems we meet (To make amends)
In the spaces (And wend our way)
In between (Between intent)
We always say (Looking back)
It won’t be long (Not moving on)
Oh, but something’s always wrong
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There are words I don’t say:
(I’m sorry)
(I was wrong)
(I believe you)
There are words I can’t say:
(This won’t change us)
(We’ll still be friends)
(I do)
There are words I should say:
(You mean more to me than him)
(I miss us)
(I have feelings for you, too)
The words I do say are inconsiderate:
“…only as a friend”
“…tell him I’m looking for him”
“…this is just sour grapes”
The words I say are fractured. The words in the spaces, the thoughts that get trapped between my heart and my lips, those words seem louder, weightier. They hold a truth I shy away from, a risk I’m unwilling to take.
Faced with devastating loss and emotional turmoil, I make easy choices. I accept his job offer at LNN, I accept his reassuring platitudes, I accept his engagement ring. I accept all these things with indifference.
I can’t accept the loss of our friendship. So I call you and chat inconsequentially. I meet you outside your apartment and we argue as I defend the indefensible. I put aside your confession and pretend that things between us haven’t changed.
Something’s always wrong.
There are so many words you said:
“…I’ve been in love with you for a long time”
“…I miss you, too”
“…I could never hate you”
There are words you screamed so loudly that I couldn’t hear:
“…you must have known”
“…you’re afraid of the truth”
“…investigate”
Are there words you don’t say? Words my actions have caused you to repress? Words that could hurt or help or heal?
I’ve been starved on a diet of silver tongued evasions. I crave your brutal honesty. I’ve discovered that silence is deafening. Cold distance was too high a price to pay.
I see it now. It’s reflected in the mirror I stand before. White satin and lace casts a glaring light on uncomfortable truth. Names that sound wrong. A name that sounds right. Words I can’t say to the man waiting at the end of an aisle. Words I should have said to the man who isn’t here.
There are words that someday we both could say:
I’m sorry
I love you
I do
We’re not there yet. Something’s always wrong. But we can meet and begin to make amends. Because in the spaces, in between, something has always been right.
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