“Clark, we have to talk.”
Clark could have sworn he’d just heard Lois say something to him, but it was the middle of the night and he was asleep, so he couldn’t have, could he?
“Clark, wake up.”
Now it seemed that she was shaking his shoulder...nah, couldn’t be. He grunted in agreement with himself and turned over.
“Clark!”
This was becoming irritating. “’m sleep,” he grumbled.
“Well, wake up. We have to talk.”
“’morrow,” he mumbled, although he now knew he was losing the battle. He should have kept quiet, because then she wouldn’t have known he’d heard her. The bed was so warm and cosy, and he was so comfortable under the blankets. The last thing he wanted right now was to-
“If you don’t wake up right now, this body will be strictly off limits to you for the next two weeks.”
He opened his eyes. “You’re bluffing.” He was pretty sure she was bluffing, although with Lois, you could never quite tell.
“You’d better believe it, buster.”
He pushed himself up to a sitting position. “Okay, I’m awake.”
Beside him, Lois chuckled softly through the darkness. “You are such a pushover.”
“Hey, I take it very seriously when my wife starts threatening to withdraw conjugal rights,” he said. “So what is it you want to discuss? The price of gas these days? Darwin’s theory of evolution? The state of Israel? Perry’s Elvis obsession?”
He heard the sheets rustle as she sat up beside him. Then she slid a hand across his chest and kissed him. “No, none of those. We need to talk about tomorrow. And Jon.”
He frowned. Okay, so tomorrow he was due to get the results of his first test after the red kryptonite exposure, but why did they have to talk about that now? Surely they’d discuss the results *after* Dr Klein delivered them, not before. And what was there to say about Jon that couldn’t wait?
“Honey, there’s nothing to discuss,” he objected.
“Yes, there is,” she said. “We’ve rushed into this thing without talking about it at all.”
“We’ve done nothing *but* talk about it!” he said, now irritated that she’d woken him up for this, of all things. To him, it seemed like they hardly ever talked about anything else, except when they were discussing work. And actually, he was getting a bit tired of it all. Perry’s Elvis obsession paled into insignificance compared to their fertility obsession.
“We’ve talked about how to solve a problem,” she said. “But we haven’t said anything about what we’re going to do with the answer. I also think it’s about time we decided about Jon.”
He leant his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes. The last thing he wanted to do was to make that particular decision. It hurt too much. “Why do we have to talk about this now?” he said.
He felt her hand brush softly down the side of his face, felt her soothe away the muscle jumping along his jaw-line. “Because I won’t sleep until we do,” she said. “And I don’t think we can put this off any longer. CK isn’t going to leave until we make a decision, honey.”
She understood what she was saying; he felt the same. CK was a likable guy and an easy house-guest, but he’d overstayed his welcome – Clark wanted the house back to just himself and Lois.
And Jon.
He loved his baby son, but he just couldn’t bear to dwell on anything to do with his custody. Especially right now, in the middle of the night. He felt Lois turn towards him and he automatically gathered her into his arms. “I can’t do this, Lois,” he murmured huskily. “I’m not ready yet.”
“I know,” she said. “Neither am I, but I still think we have to decide. The longer we wait, the harder it is for everyone.”
He couldn’t answer her; couldn’t form any words that he could trust himself to speak without stumbling. And the ache in his chest that always accompanied any thoughts of Jon’s future was back. Deep down, he knew why that ache was there, but he wasn’t ready to acknowledge it yet.
“It’s tearing me apart, Clark,” she said in a tiny, lost voice. “I’ve tried to be strong for everyone, hold it all together, especially for you and Jon, but I’m tired. I need to know, one way or the other.”
“Lois,” he whispered, tightening his arms around her. He felt her pain as his own, the ache in his chest increasing ten-fold. “I don’t know what to say,” he said, feeling helpless in the face of a problem that he didn’t want to solve.
“I know.” She sighed. “Because you already know what we’re going to decide, just like I do.”
A tear slid down his cheek, but he hardly noticed. “Yeah.”
They were going to hand Jon over to CK. He’d known it for some time now, but he’d buried it deep inside, covering it over with layer after layer of self-pity about his own inability to give Lois a child. He’d driven himself into solving that problem instead of confronting their original, and much harder, problem. It was cowardly of him, really.
But now Lois was forcing him to face the truth, and it hurt just as much as he’d expected it to hurt. She stirred in his arms and looked up at him in the darkness. “You’re crying,” she said with a touch of surprise in her voice.
He reached out and lightly wiped her cheek with his thumb. “So are you.”
Her face crumpled at his words and she buried her head in his shoulder. Biting his bottom lip to hold back his own tears, he held her while her small frame shook with quiet sobs. She needed him to be strong, so he’d hold himself together for her, just like she’d done so many times for him and Jon.
But for almost the first time in his adult life, he couldn’t do it. He’d been suppressing these emotions for too long, and they just wouldn’t stay buried any longer. Very soon his own tears were flowing unchecked down his cheeks, and he was weeping freely, for his son, for his sorrowful wife, and for himself.
*************
CK turned onto his back and stared bleakly up at the ceiling. When he’d first heard soft crying from upstairs, he’d thought it was Jon. He’d waited, expecting to hear either Lois or Clark get up and attend to him. If they hadn’t gone to him, he’d have gone upstairs himself to see what was wrong.
But as he’d listened, he’d realised that the crying was coming from Lois and Clark’s bedroom. He’d been alarmed, and wondered what could have upset Lois so badly. Unconsciously, he must have listened more carefully, because he then discovered much to his surprise that Clark, too, was crying.
Frightened, he’d quickly scanned Jon’s crib. To his relief, the baby was sleeping peacefully and his heartbeat was normal.
So what was upsetting them? For Clark to be crying, it must be something totally devastating.
He had a horrible suspicion he knew what it was.
*************
Eventually, Clark’s tears passed and so did Lois’s. He felt drained, and for a while, they sat silently clinging onto each other, waiting for the sorrow to ease and knowing that it never would.
“So when...when shall we tell him?” he asked.
“As soon as possible,” she said immediately. “I couldn’t bear to wait, now that we’ve decided.”
“But not at breakfast,” he said. “It’s too rushed.”
“After you’ve seen Dr Klein, then. That’s at ten, isn’t it?”
“Yes. We’ll tell Perry we’re both working from home all day.”
“He won’t like that,” she said.
“He’ll have to lump it,” Clark said bluntly. “This is more important.”
“Okay.”
Belatedly, he remembered her other point. “What did you mean when you said we need to decide what we’ll do with tomorrow’s answer?” he asked softly.
She sighed heavily. “If it’s good news, do we really want to try for a baby? Is that what we want?”
“I thought that’s what you wanted,” he said. “You even told me to read all the books.”
“I know, but that was just kidding around the breakfast table with CK,” she replied. “Clark...a baby’s not going to replace Jon.”
“I know.”
“I’m not sure CK knows. Look at all the trouble he’s gone to in order to help us,” she said. “I think he believes we’ll be so happy to have our own baby, we won’t mind losing Jon.”
“I’m sure he’s not that naïve,” said Clark. “Besides, this has nothing to do with him. It’s our choice whether we have a child or not.”
“True. So...*do* we want to have a child?”
He sank his face into her hair. “Lois, nothing would make me happier than to have a child with you,” he said, pouring all his heart into the words. “I love you. But if you’re not ready, or even if you’re never ready, I’ll still be incredibly happy - because I’ve got you.” He took a deep breath. “The one thing I couldn’t bear would be losing you.”
He hoped he’d sounded sincere, because he certainly meant every single word. He’d be thrilled if they could have a child together, but keeping Lois was more important than anything else. He’d lost sight of that fact recently, he realised. His obsession with being different, with being the cause of all their problems, had swamped all else in its path.
Lois was his whole life.
“Then do you mind if we wait a while?” she said very softly. “I’m not sure I could cope with being pregnant so soon after losing Jon.”
“Of course we can wait,” he said. “If we have a child together at all, I want it to be because we love each other and we’re ready to start a family, not because we’re trying to replace another person. We need to give ourselves time to be sure about that.”
“That’s what I thought. And what about your treatment? If we find out tomorrow that the test worked, do you want to continue?” She shifted in his arms and looked up at him. “It’s your choice, honey. I’ll support you whichever you decide.”
“Well, it’s not as if I’m actually sick,” he said. “And I wasn’t exactly easy to live with when I was high on red kryptonite.”
“No, but don’t let that influence you.” She smiled weakly. “I’ve coped with a lot worse than a drunken husband.”
“True. But if we’re not going to try for a baby right away, then I think I may as well postpone any treatment until it’s needed.”
She stroked his cheek. “Clark, are you sure? I know how much this meant to you.”
He sighed. “I won’t deny that. But to be honest, I didn’t much enjoy the treatment either. I hated exposing myself to that stuff, and I really hated waking up the next day and not remembering a thing I’d done.”
She kissed him. “Believe me, it wasn’t that bad. I don’t think you’re capable of doing anything really obnoxious.”
He slid down under the covers, taking her with him. “Maybe not, but I’m sure this is the right decision.” He kissed her hair. “Try to get some sleep, honey,” he said softly. “You’re going to need it.”
He held her close, stroking her hair and murmuring soothing noises to her until he was sure she was asleep. Then he lay in the darkness for a long time, listening to the twin heartbeats of his wife and his son.
************
