Chapter 3
Jonathan Kent snapped awake at 12:20 AM, but couldn’t figure out what had awoken him. Being careful not to wake Martha he slipped out of bed and started downstairs. Feeling strangely awake for such a late hour he figured he would make a sandwich and perhaps drink some milk to help him get back to sleep. As he started past the living room he became aware of an acrid smell and realized he wasn’t alone.
Flipping on the light switch he found Clark sitting alone in the dark wearing his Superboy uniform. His clothing and face were smeared with dirt and what looked like grease. His face and eyes were red and it looked as if he had been crying.
“My God, Clark, what’s wrong?” Jonathan said quickly crossing to kneel by his son’s side.
“216 people died tonight because I wanted to have a date.”
“What?”
“A plane crashed in Chicago tonight. 187 people were on board and 29 were on the ground. 103 men, 96 women and 17 children ranging from age 2 to 15.”
Clark delivered this information in a monotone as if reciting something from a book. What worried Jonathan the most though was that his face held almost no expression and he never once made eye contact.
“I’m sorry, Clark, but I’m not sure what you mean about it being you fault.”
“I didn’t hear about it until it was too late to do anything except contain the fires and recover the bodies.”
“Then how is it your fault?”
“I purposely didn’t hear about it. I avoided the radio and the news because I thought I deserved a date without interruption.”
“Clark, you listened to the news all day. You went out of your way to try to find out information about anything bad happening in the world.”
“Not when I got in the truck today. Once I left to pick up Lana I purposely made sure I didn’t get interrupted. All because I felt I ‘deserved’ some time off.”
The venom Clark infused into the word “deserved” gave Jonathan pause. He had heard his son angry before, but not quite so bitter.
“Clark, son, there’s nothing wrong with feeling that you should have some time for yourself. You work incred…”
“Those people deserved to live,” Clark said interrupting his father his voice rising and turning to meet Jonathan’s eyes for the first time.
“Those people deserved to not burn to death. Those children deserved to grow up and have lives. Those people…DESERVED…to not die in pain and fear because their hero was too concerned about himself to remember what his responsibilities were.”
Jonathan rocked back on his feet startled at the anger in Clark’s tone. He understood Clark’s feelings, but he hated seeing his son tear himself up like this.
“Son…” Jonathan started calmly, but was interrupted.
“No, Dad,” Clark said holding his hand up and bringing his voice back under control. “Nothing’s going to make me feel better about this. I know I’m being hard on myself and I know I can’t be everywhere at once, but if I hadn’t been out tonight the odds are that I probably would have heard about it a lot sooner. The simple truth is that the choices I make affect the lives of others.”
Clark dropped his head back down and took a deep breath before continuing.
“And, I left Lana again. I didn’t even have time to tell her that I had to leave and then once I got there the fire had spread throughout a housing development and it was hours before I could get away. The people who died tonight suffered because I chose to go to a dance and Lana suffered because I choose to live the life I do. And she doesn’t even know why she’s suffering.”
“Are you going to tell her?” Jonathan asked.
Clark let out an exasperated sigh and shook his head.
“No, as much as I hate her not knowing, tonight made it obvious what my choice needs to be where our relationship is concerned and I can’t burden her with knowledge only to walk away.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”
“No, it’s not what I want to do, but it’s what I have to do. How many times has she broken up with me only to have me talk her into getting back together and then doing the same thing to her all over again?”
“Maybe knowing might make a difference in how she handles things,” Jonathan suggested.
Clark looked up at Jonathan cocking one eyebrow.
“I know, I know,” Jonathan said “it’s not natural for me to suggest giving up ‘the secret’, I’m just saying, ‘what if?’”
A bittersweet smile graced Clark’s lips for a moment, but then he shook his head.
“It doesn’t matter how she’d handle things. I’d still have to go and I’d still be leaving her. It’s not right for me to do that over and over again to someone and ask them to wait. She ‘deserves’ a life.”
“And what do you ‘deserve’?”
Clark’s answer came without hesitation.
“To be true to myself. To be able to look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of what I see. There’s an old saying about staring into the abyss only to see it staring back at you. I want to be able to do that and not blink once. That’s what I deserve and I won’t be able to do it as long as I’m hurting everyone around me because of a lie.”
Jonathan took a deep breath before continuing. He realized that it was a waste of time to try talking Clark out of this action at the current time so all that was left was to give him the most support that he could.
“When are you going to tell her?”
“Tonight if she’s still up. It won’t take me but a few seconds to shower and change. Tomorrow if she isn’t up and is still speaking to me.”
“I’ll wait up.”
“Dad,” Clark replied starting to shake his head again, “you don’t…”
“I’ll wait up,” Jonathan said again more firmly.
“Thanks,” Clark said after a moment.
He stood and gave Jonathan a quick embrace before heading up the stairs.
**********
Lana was sitting on her porch swing when Clark arrived.
“I figured you’d be by tonight so I waited up,” she said by way of greeting.
“Did you get home alright?” he asked taking a seat beside her.
“Pete brought me after it became obvious that you weren’t coming back. I wasn’t in much of a partying mood after that.”
“I’m sorry,” Clark said dropping his head and closing his eyes for a moment to gather his courage.
“I know,” Lana said surprising him with the empathy she put into those words.
“You do?” Clark asked glancing up at her in surprise.
“Clark,” Lana said “we’ve known each other for a long time. We’ve been friends and more than friends. I know I’ve been angry with you in the past for disappearing, but it finally came to me tonight that I know you well enough to know that you don’t do it to hurt me and that you’re a good enough person that you don’t do anything without good reason. So, when you disappeared tonight I started thinking about what it meant and decided that maybe I just need to give you the benefit of the doubt. The question is do I want to be with you or not and if I do is it worth all of the inconveniences attached?”
Clark looked at her expectantly too surprised to speak. Taking his silence as consent to continue she began speaking again.
“I do want to be with you, Clark. I realize that there are…certain things in your life that you have to do because of…who you are and that because of that there are going to be times when you aren’t going to be there when I want you to be.”
Lana turned toward Clark and took his hand.
“But, Clark, the main thing is that we have one another in each other’s lives and that’s worth whatever pain your absences cause. I want us to have a future together no matter the good or the bad because I know you’ll be there when it really matters.”
Clark stared at Lana unsure of how to proceed and totally off balance by the whirlwind of thoughts in his head. She knew or at least strongly suspected, that much was pretty obvious. But her knowing wasn’t that big of a surprise considering her past suspicions and his constant disappearing act. The most surprising thing was that here she was saying something that a week or even a day ago Clark would have turned cartwheels to have heard, but now he was the beneficiary of newfound wisdom that made her proclamations bittersweet.
“Lana,” he started at first dropping his gaze unable to meet her eyes, but finally forcing himself to “I appreciate what you’ve just said, more than words. But the truth of the matter is that I won’t be there when it matters. I’ll leave you again and again and again and I can’t live with the pain that I’ll cause you each time I go. You deserve a full time ‘someone’ rather than a part-time ‘something’ and a something is all I can ever be because I could never give you a hundred percent of myself.”
“But, Clark…”
“No, Lana. I’ve thought a lot about this and I’ve been selfish to keep dragging you back into a relationship where I hurt you over and over again. I love you, but in this case love might not be enough. Or, maybe it is. Enough to make me see that I’ll never be what you deserve and I can’t bear to be the one you’ll one day grow to resent because in the end I can’t give you the thing you deserve most. Me.”
“But, Clark I understand why you can’t always be there. I know you’re…”
Clark put his hand to her lips and stopped her from speaking.
“Then you know that part of me will always be elsewhere, Lana. You don’t deserve that and neither do I. I’ve been dividing myself and each time I’ve brought you pain has made it that much more difficult to continue on with that other part of me. And I can’t neglect that part, Lana.”
Lana opened her mouth to speak, but then bit her lower lip and dropped her head, tears beginning to flow from her eyes. Clark stared at her for a moment drinking in her very essence and then finally stood.
“’I’m sorry’ doesn’t even begin to be adequate, Lana, but I am.”
He turned and started down the steps, but stopped at the bottom. He opened his mouth to speak, but finally dropped his head and continued into the darkness.
TBC...
