Wanda Sue
Disclaimers: The characters from Lois & Clark are not mine. As far as I know, they’re owned by DC comics. The two typos in the Wanda Sue story are intentional, as this is a badfic parody.
By Emily M. Hanson
* * * * *
It was lunch hour and Lois Lane was bored. She set her box of Chinese take out aside as she turned to her computer and opened a file. This wasn’t just any file, however. It was a story that she had been working on for quite a while. It was very nearly finished. It wasn’t a news story, though. In fact, its title was “Wanda Sue Detroit Meets Superman.”
She was almost finished with the scene in which Wanda and Superman fell in love at first sight. It went something like this…
* * * * *
The alien Kal-El, otherwise known as Superman, was soaring through the afternoon sky when he heard a woman scream. He rushed to save her at the speed of light as she fell out of the window of a tall building. He appeared from out of nowhere and caught her. As he held her in his arms, Kal-El could not believe how beautiful she was. The gorgeous brunette clung to him.
“You are very lucky, ma’am,” he said with a deep, husky voice.
Wanda Sue Detroit gazed into his crystal blue eyes. “You’re absolutely right, handsome.”
“You shouldn’t stand near open windows in skyscrapers. They can be very dangerous,” Superman warned.
“I wasn’t standing near one on purpose. My cheating ex-boyfriend, Jerome, pushed me out.”
“Jerome tried to murder you?” Superman asked in disbelief. How could someone try to kill this breathtakingly beautiful woman?
“He tried, but didn’t succeed, thanks to you.”
As Superman touched down gently, he looked into Wanda’s soft brown eyes and tried to remember when he’d last seen anyone so beautiful. He couldn’t. He was mesmerized by her good looks and soothing voice.
Wanda stood on her tiptoes (since he was taller than she by a few inches) and kissed him. “Thank you, Sugar.”
Superman blushed. “Call me Kal-El, please.”
“Kal-El,” Wanda said, rolling the alien name off her tongue. It sounded good. “I’d like to see you again sometime.”
* * * * *
“Are you free tonight?” Kal-El said in Lois’s head.
Lois blinked. Well, that sure sounded like a good way to end the scene. Yes, have him ask Wanda out.
“Earth to Lois Lane,” Clark said, looking a bit amused. He could see part of the story she was working on. “Having fun, are we?”
Lois whirled around in her chair, obviously annoyed. “Clark! What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just wondering if you were free tonight so we could go over some of our notes together on our story.”
“Oh, right. Sure,” she replied. “Just don’t sneak up on me like that again.”
He chuckled. That must be some story she was working on. “Whatever you say, Lois.”
After Clark went back to his desk, Lois returned to finish the rest of the story.
* * * * *
“Are you free tonight, Miss…?” Kal-El asked.
“Detroit. Wanda Sue Detroit,” she replied. “And yes, I’m free.” She reached into her pocket for a business card. “You can call me on my cell phone anytime.”
Kal-El nodded, then lifted off into the wild blue yonder.
Several hours later, Wanda Sue was at home when her cell phone rang. “This is Wanda Sue.”
“Hello, this is me. Kal-El. Did you want to get together?”
Wanda’s heart leapt. Did she? What kind of stupid question was that? Of course she did! “I’d love to!” Hurriedly, she gave him her address.
“I’ll be right there,” Kal-El assured her.
Right after she hung up, there was a knock on Wanda’s window. She lived in a studio apartment, so she had a small balcony. She opened the window. Superman was outside with a boquet of a dozen red roses.
“Come in, Super…Kal-El,” Wanda said.
He smiled. “These are for you. Wow. Nice place. I wish I had one.”
“Thanks,” she said as she took the flowers and looked for a vase. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t have an apartmnt. I just find shelter wherever I can.”
“Oh…I’m so sorry to hear that. You deserve much better.” Then a thought struck her. “If you really need a home, you can consider this your home away from home, or your home sweet home. Or…whatever.”
Kal-El smiled. “That’s very nice, but I don’t want to take advantage of you, Miss Detroit.”
“Call me Wanda Sue, please. And it wouldn’t be taking advantage of me. Not at all.”
Kal-El brightened. “All right. Maybe I will take you up on that sometime.”
He looked and saw that Wanda had cooked a nice dinner for the two of them. There was steak, potatoes, and salad. The steak was medium-well done. It smelled delicious. A bottle of expensive champagne also sat on the table.
“That smells wonderful,” Superman said.
Wanda smiled. “I’m a woman with many talents. Have a seat, please.”
Superman sat down, and so did she. As he took the first bite of her steak, Kal-El thought it tasted delicious. “I can’t believe you cook so well. I can’t cook at all myself.”
Another thought hit Wanda like a bolt of lightning out of the blue. “Why don’t I teach you?”
“Teach me to cook?”
“Yes. It’ll be fun.”
“Okay,” Kal-El agreed, and continued to eat Wanda’s delicious dinner while gazing into her chocolate eyes.
Afterward, she turned on some romantic music. They waltzed for over an hour. Superman was a very good dance partner, better than any Wanda had ever had. He knew all the right moves -- and then some.
Wanda was in pure bliss. She’d never been happier. Jerome had treated her like dirt, but now she had Kal-El. He treated her like a queen. Did Jerome know what he’d just lost? Probably not. That two-timing jerk deserved whatever he got.
Wanda Sue gazed into Kal-El’s sparkling azure eyes and smiled. Yep, Superman had her heart on a string, and what a string it was! She felt like she was dangling over a gaping abyss, but she felt perfectly safe, since Kal-El could save her from anything.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, at the Daily Planet, everyone had gone home except for the usual few who stayed late. Lois was trying to come up with an ending to her story, when she got a phone call from Clark.
“Lois, are you still there? Lois.”
“Hi, Clark. Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just finishing up. I won’t be much longer, I promise.”
“Okay, but this Thai food is getting cold.”
“Go ahead and eat yours. I’ll be there in less than an hour.”
“All right,” Clark replied, but he sounded dubious.
Lois went back to her story and hurried to finish it…
* * * * *
Kal-El had never been so much in love. He’d seen beautiful women before, but Wanda Sue was more gorgeous than anyone else. He gazed adoringly into her puppy-dog eyes.
“I love you, Wanda Sue.”
She grinned. “I love you too, Kal-El. Will you stay with me tonight?”
“All right.”
Wanda knew then that her life would never be the same. She was floating on air…literally. Superman had lifted her up and was kissing her. She snuggled up into his arms as he draped his cape over her and hovered over to the couch. They slowly sank down into the soft leather and remained that way for most of the night.
* * * * *
Glad that she had finally finished it, Lois posted her story onto the website Supermanfans_fiction.net and rushed to meet Clark at his place.
The next day, Clark was eating lunch. Every one in a while, he checked out the Superman fan fiction sites when he was bored, just to see what people thought of him. One particular story caught his attention. Who would come up with a name like Wanda Sue Detroit, he thought? Just out of curiosity, he read it.
Five minutes later, he wished he hadn’t. It was horrible. It was filled with clichés and typos, and even worse, Superman was totally out of character. It made him wince. Who would write such a thing? Clark typed in the space reserved for reviews and hit the send button. When he was finished, he went to his scheduled meeting and completely forgot about the bad story.
* * * * *
Lois returned to her computer after the meeting to find the review someone had sent her anonymously through the Supermanfans_fiction.net website. It read: This has got to be one of the worst stories I’ve seen here! You’ve got Superman completely out of character, it’s totally filled with cliché’s, apartment and bouquet are spelled wrong and even worse, this is a Mary Sue. Please get an editor or something.
Lois stared at the review in shock. How could anyone be so nasty? And what on Earth was a “Mary Sue”? Okay, so she hadn’t done a spell check, but that didn’t really mean she was a bad writer. And Superman was not out of character! She was sure that she knew him better than anyone else. Fuming, Lois wished she could tell the creep off, but the website had no way to reply because the reviewer had sent the message anonymously. Angrily, she stood up just as Clark was coming over.
“Lois? Is everything ok?”
“Yeah. Some idiot just flamed me, that’s all. Jerk.”
Clark glanced over her shoulder and recognized the review he’d left. He realized his jaw had dropped. He struggled to think of something to say.
“Oh…uh…well, I’m sure there was a good reason for it.”
“Ha! That shows you how just much you know. Okay, so maybe I don’t run the spell checker every time I write something, but that’s what I’ve got you for. I don’t write Superman out of character, and what exactly is a Mary Sue, anyway?”
“A self-insert,” Clark said automatically and then regretted it.
Lois stopped in mid-rant. “You know what a Mary Sue is?”
“Um…”
She realized that he was looking extremely guilty, and there could only be one reason for that. “Clark Kent, did you read my story on the internet?”
He blushed. “Well, I was bored and it was there, and I didn’t know you wrote it. If I had, I’d probably have been nicer.”
“Probably?” she glared at him. “And just how do you know that Superman is out of character? How well do you know him?”
“Very well, actually,” Clark replied. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, yeah. Sure.”
“No really, I am. I realize that what I wrote was hurtful, and for that, I’m sorry.”
Lois took a deep breath. “All right.”
“How can I make it up to you?”
The perfect idea came to her. “Write a Superman fanfic that’s even worse and post it on that website.”
The stunned look on Clark’s face made her smile.
* * * * *
