With trembling fingers, a fast beeting heart and much nervous feelings I think it's time I hit the submit button... This fic is for Kaethel on her birthday, as you probably already guessed by the title. In the year and a half I know her now, she has introduced me to some wonderful music. A lot of them were in French, so, kind and friendly as she is, she even provided me with the lyrics and translations. So to say thank you for my many hours of listening pleasure, I decided to dedicate this to you. She has done a whole lot more for me, and I don’t think she realizes even how much she has helped me on occasion, but I’m most certainly very grateful!
I hope you like it!
Now, the funny thing about this fic is that I also have to ehm... ‘blame’ Kaethel for the story.
One day she came to IRC telling me all about this new artist she’d heard: Delta Goodrem. Of course I had to download it. And then buy the CD... The song ‘Lost Without You’ is my all time favorite song now and I still play it about fifty times a day.
And from the song, this story was born. Thanks for the introduction to her music, Kae! And if you haven’t heard Delta Goodrem yet, I seriously recommend her.
There are a few people I like to thank here. Without them, I would never have been able to finish this. This is my longest story up to date, and I can’t count all the times Sara and Shelley managed to calm me down and reassured me that what I had was good enough to continue, always managed to provide me with hilarious comments on the right time and put me more than once back on the right track. I can’t express in words what you’ve done for me (besides nearly killing me on occasion with laughter
)! Thank you so much!!! Also, a huge thank you to Qex and Jana who BR this as well and provided me with many excellent comments, insights and often funny comments. Thanks to Carole as well, who, despite her enormous busy life, took the time to read this and give me incredible feedback. And to the IRC crew and Jose in specific who saw bits of this and always cheered for me to continue. Finally, to Wendy, who spotted a mistake I’d made and graciously came up with solution.
As for the posting schedule, I will post again on Tuesday, Saturday and hopefully on Wednesday. I’m still working on the final part, so I hope I’ll be able to finish it in time. I know I’m taking a risk here, but I’m running out of time and it’s already Kaethel’s birthday... so please forgive me if I do run a bit late!
I’ve played a bit with times so it suited my ideas better. This takes place at the end of HoL (big surprise <g>) and everything happens in the course of a week.
The usual disclaimer applies. I do not own the characters of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. I merely borrowed them for fun and do not mean any harm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lost Without You by Delta Goodrem
I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes
A little righteous and too proud
I just want to find a way to compromise
Cos I believe that we can work things out
I thought I had all the answers never giving in
But baby since you've gone I admit that I was wrong
All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie
How my going to be strong without you I need you by my side ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** Lost Without You ***
Lois Lane stared at the new Planet globe. It seemed like everything had turned out fine in the end. It was a close call, but better late then never, she supposed. In less than twenty-four hours her whole world had crumbled around her.
Just the other day, she was getting ready to marry Lex Luthor. All in all, she hadn’t been looking forward to that prospect. In front of the mirror she had practiced her new name, and in the end, the only name she liked and cared for had been Kent. Lois Lane Kent. Not Lois Luthor. And that hadn’t been the only thing; while she’d walked to the altar, the only man she could think about was Clark. They had shared so many good times since the year they’d met; a couple of kisses, late night chatting over dinner and a movie, good natured arguments and all the wonderful moments as partners at work.
So when the moment of truth had come, she had said no to Lex. How could she possibly marry him if she kept thinking about another man? Not to mention that she had never loved Lex at all. He was available to her *and* he made her feel flattered. Besides, she didn’t really know him. He’d seemed like a safe bet for the rest of her life.
Oh, how wrong she’d been. Clark had proven he’d been right all along. Lex Luthor was evil and had wanted to destroy Superman. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen the real face of Lex through his façade; Lois Lane was and always would be an investigative reporter. This was just her first mistake, and she’d make sure it was her last, too.
After her denial to marry Luthor, everything had moved so fast. She remembered Perry and Inspector Henderson entering and accusing Luthor. Next thing she knew, she was standing in front of the LexCorp building. Luthor was about to jump, and all she’d felt was an overwhelming sense of loneliness. None of her friends were there to comfort her. Everything she had ever cared for was gone.
The feeling had only lasted for a short time. Clark had come rushing to her and he’d gathered her in his strong arms for a much needed hug. His presence had made her very aware of how much she had actually missed him and how much she still needed him. So she’d clung to him, putting her arms around his neck while letting her head rest on his shoulder.
She had expected Clark to welcome her back gladly. But instead, she had felt coldness and something else radiating from him. When she’d looked at his face she’d seen fear in his eyes. He’d quickly covered it, but she’d noticed it.
Why would Clark be afraid of her? It didn’t make sense. She hadn’t married Luthor, so he, of all people, should be relieved.
There was definitely something wrong with Clark.
Even now he avoided her. He just stood there, eyes locked on the pavement in front of him as if some miracle was happening down there. This just had to end. Not too long ago they’d been best friends; surely they could talk about this.
Before she lost her courage, she crossed the several feet to where Clark was standing.
************
Clark Kent stared at Lois. She seemed very lost in her thoughts. He wondered what was on her mind. Maybe the same thing he’d been obsessing about recently.
Both their lives had changed so much over the past couple of weeks. It wasn’t that long ago they’d been partners and friends, and Clark had secretly hoped for more. Ever since she’d stormed in Perry’s office during his interview, she had a special place in his heart. Only when it was too late, he’d realized it was true love.
He loved Lois Lane with all his heart.
The problem was that he’d never stood a chance with her. None at all. And there was nothing he could do about it. Lois had made a decision and he just had to accept that somehow. For weeks he had hoped for some tiny little miracle, but since yesterday, that chance was completely gone.
Lois had thrown it all away.
She was now Mrs. Lex Luthor.
Clark involuntarily shuddered as he focused on the street in front of him. He was so lost, he didn’t even dare looking at Lois any longer. All his hopes of making Lois his wife someday were gone. Her choice was obvious. She’d rather spend her life with a man she barely knew instead of her best friend.
With his behavior on their last encounters, Clark just knew he’d messed up every chance of restoring even their friendship.
He sighed. If only he’d said something, done something. *Anything* better than this.
Clark turned his attention back to Lois. God, how much he loved her! Knowing she’d never be his hurt even more than the hours he’d spend in Luthor’s Kryptonite cage.
Movements around him made him conscious of his surroundings again. They were still in front of the Daily Planet. The best paper in the world, in his opinion, would return. He had a job again; and Lois would be there too. At least he’d see her as a colleague every day. Perhaps they’d even work as partners again, too.
That thought made him feel slightly better, though only for a small fleeting moment. Just looking at her made him feel awkward again. Not only because she knew how he felt, but also for what she’d done yesterday. She had married the man who had made him suffer physically, the man who was his enemy, the man who had nearly succeeded in murdering him.
Not that Lois exactly knew about that part. He’d told her about Superman’s suffering. But as of yet, she still didn’t know he was her favorite hero. Not that he had any intention of ever letting her in on that secret! Especially not with her married status.
He’d been such a fool. He still couldn’t believe how he’d been able to trust Luthor enough to descend into his basement with him. The result was still noticeable on his body and his powers. Countless hours locked inside a cage, with bars sickly glowing Kryptonite green. He’d been lucky that after his last, and first, encounter with the stuff his body could take a bit more of it. It had hurt all right, but he hadn’t fainted. And his powers hadn’t left him at once either. That had resulted in him getting hold of that key and escaping.
The effects of the Kryptonite weren’t as bad as some months ago. Most of his powers had disappeared, but they were slowly returning. His super breath was still with him, invulnerability was back, his hearing was fading in and out, and earlier, he’d crushed his coffee cup at home. So things were definitely looking good; just a few more hours and he’d be completely back flying the skies.
His musings were suddenly interrupted when he spotted Lois walking toward him.
His optimistic thoughts about his powers were immediately replaced by his gloomy mood from earlier. All his hurt was back, stronger than ever.
He couldn’t forget that Lois was married now. It didn’t matter the police had charged Luthor right after the ceremony, or that he had jumped to his death.
It simply didn’t change the facts.
Lois had said yes to the biggest criminal in human history.
There simply was no way he could ever forget that.
What also still puzzled him was how she had failed to see through Luthor’s façade until it was too late. She claimed to be such a good investigative reporter, but yet she failed to see what was right in front of her. And quite frankly, she didn’t look all that upset about the turn of events!
Could that mean... No, he couldn’t let himself think that. It would only make him suffer more. She must have feelings for the man. Why else would she have married Luthor? And if she did love him, he didn’t see any reason to be friends again. Sure, he’d miss her. But knowing she loved someone else, having his money at her disposal, he just couldn’t take it. How could he even pretend to be her friend if he disagreed so much about her choice?
After all, he had to uphold his reputation as Superman. He couldn’t take any risks; if anyone ever found out how closely involved the flying God was with the closest thing on Earth that looked like the devil, it would ruin his reputation. And all because of a woman? Okay, she even was the only woman he would ever love, but would that be worth everything?
The answer came right away: no way. He loved Lois too much. He just couldn’t let her walk out off his life. Sure, it would take a long time before he could forgive and forget this dark period. But all the pain would be worth it in the end.
Why did he always have to make such difficult choices in his already complicated life?
Only one solution was possible here. He had to talk to Lois. The single most thing he dreaded at the moment. He was still too upset with her, and he feared the fight that might occur if he tried to talk to her.
What to do now?
*****
Lois stood a few inches away from Clark. A few minutes had passed already. He didn’t seem to acknowledge her. Okay, that wasn’t true. She had noticed a few quick glances he’d cast her way. He just chose to ignore her.
It had to mean something was up. Something utterly wrong. Given the past few weeks and knowing how Clark thought - or, more to the point, obsessed - Lois feared their upcoming conversation.
Yes, even though she didn’t look forward to it, they just had to talk. Get things in the open. They had the perfect spot to do so. It was a familiar place to both of them, public and yet quiet. No one around to overhear them, so all topics could be discussed.
Then why didn’t she say something?
She took a deep breath and mentally prepared herself. Her eyes focused on his head. His gorgeous head: eyes to drown in, a firm jaw line, some locks of hair casually on his forehead and lips ready to be kissed by her. How could she have ever denied loving this man?
Having finally gathered enough guts, she opened her mouth to speak.
“Clark?” She softly called his name, hoping to attract his attention.
When no response came, she repeated his name, a little louder now. Clark still didn’t look up or say anything.
Lois took a step closer to him and tentatively laid her hand on his arm. That seemed to do the trick. His eyes flew from her face to the hand on his arm. An alarmed look crossed his face and he hurriedly shied away from her, and then turned his back to her.
Horrified, Lois looked at Clark’s slumping back. Her best friend couldn’t stand to have her around.
It was simply all her fault.
She’d driven Clark away by accepting Luthor’s proposal. Her assumption of jealousy earlier wasn’t true at all. She now knew that Clark had been right all along about Luthor. It was all so clear now. Clark despised her almost-to-be-husband. And even with her reporting skills, she’d failed to see what was right in front of her. She could slam her head against a wall; she’d been so stupid! It was obvious Clark blamed her for that and even made her pay.
Could this be the end of their friendship?
No, she simply refused to believe that. Not when she’d finally realized how much she loved him. Yes, Lois Lane loved Clark Kent. How she’d been able to deny it for so long was a riddle to even herself.
She wasn’t ready to give Clark up. Love meant fighting for that other person and that was exactly what she was going to do.
She was going to try it softly one more time. If he still refused to talk to her, she was going to make him talk. After all, she was Lois Lane, star reporter, investigative journalist. She didn’t have her nickname ‘Mad Dog Lane’ for nothing.
With her mind made up and a strengthened feeling of victory, she walked around Clark so she could look him in the eyes again.
“Clark, I know this is far from comfortable, but can we please talk about it?”
*****
She must have called his name a few times before touching him. He was so lost in his thoughts, he hadn’t even heard her. Even his super hearing had failed him. So when he felt the warmth of her hand on his arm, he had merely panicked.
He had to keep her at a distance for now. It would be the best for both of them if they took slow steps to resolve their friendship.
His reaction wouldn’t help a lot at that, he thought ironically. He was only driving them further apart.
His shoulders fell in a moment of defeat. He could only hope she hadn’t walked away from his egoistical behavior yet. He knew he was suffering, but he could only guess at what Lois was going through. He was still her friend, so the least he could do was hear her out. Maybe she was upset and needed comfort. Or she was hurt. Disappointed. Whatever it was, talking couldn’t hurt.
Even if it meant a fight to resolve things between them. It had worked that way before. They usually disagreed, fought and got along again in the end. Even with the physical distance between them, it could work. It was worth a shot.
Straightening his back again, he forced his lips to form a smile. When he looked up, Lois was moving around him. So she hadn’t gone yet; that had to be a good sign. And she was even speaking to him again!
Yes, they should talk. But it didn’t feel right to do it here. Too many memories, painful even. A stroll would be better.
“Let’s go for a walk, Lois."
“All right.”
They walked next to each other, not touching. Clark felt the natural desire to wrap his arm around her shoulders, a gesture he’d done many times before. His head intercepted before he could lift his arm. A tiny voice told him it wouldn’t be a smart move.
Lois still held the status of Mrs. Luthor. It didn’t only seem weird, but it made him feel uncomfortable as well. Here he was, walking with a widow. Where had this world gone to? How had his life been shattered so quickly?
He let out another sigh. It was something he’d done many times lately. Actually, the habit had increased ever since Lois had told him about Luthor’s proposal. No! He shouldn’t think about that now. Lois, he reminded himself. Lois was here and they needed to talk.
He turned his head a bit and looked to his left. Lois looked as beautiful as ever. Yet he could see that she was troubled, too. She had taken the initiative earlier, and he had suggested the walk, so it was his turn to speak up.
With another sigh he gathered some courage. “So, Lois, you wanted to talk?” The coldness in his voice surprised even him. He wanted to talk. But apparently the hurt deep inside him was stronger than he’d anticipated.
Glancing back at Lois, he saw her flinch at the frost in his voice. She didn’t even look up when she responded.
“Yes, Clark. I know we’ve been through a very difficult period. And I’ve missed you very much. But you seem so distant and unsure around me now. What’s the matter? What did I do wrong?”
Her eyes focused on a point on the street just before her feet and her voice turned softer with each word she spoke. He had to listen very carefully to hear her. Without some super hearing he might not even have heard her.
So she realized he was mad at her. How well she knew him. Maybe it was only fair if he told her the whole truth then.
On second thought, that might not help them very much. Well, he had to start somewhere, he would just see where it would take them and decide then how much to tell her. Some things were just better left unsaid. She knew him well enough to guess those things, hopefully. It seemed best to ignore her last question; he wasn’t even supposed to have heard it anyway.
“All right. You’re right, there’s a lot wrong. I don’t know for sure where to start. Let’s just say it all started when you seriously considered *his* proposal. I can’t believe you trusted him enough to even accept him rather than listen to me. I was supposed to be your best friend, Lois! But you choose to ignore me, and my warnings. How do you think that made me feel?”
Clark stopped abruptly and turned to look at Lois. He tried so hard to remain calm, but it was simply impossible. Her actions still made his blood boil. He realized the tone of his voice was quite scary; Lois must be ready to run away for good.
“I’m sorry, Clark. I never meant to hurt you. It’s just all so complicated.”
With a deep breath, he tried to steady his voice before speaking again. “I know. I just don’t understand what you ever saw in that creep. And I feel really bad that you didn’t trust my judgment. Maybe I should have told you what I knew, even if it wasn’t solid proof, but it might have changed a lot and then we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”
“You’re darn right about that! Why didn’t you ever tell me about that? We shared everything else. And you made me believe I could trust you while your actions showed I couldn’t. Don’t you see that’s why I couldn’t talk to you about all this?”
Clark saw a little spark back in her eyes. She was clearly over the passive part and was ready to kick some sense into him again. Well, two could play that game!
“No, I don’t! You knew me! And you also knew I can put aside my own feelings to discuss something. Since you already knew how I felt, we didn’t even have to discuss it. But you never even bothered to ask *why* I felt that way!” Clark spat out.
“Why should I? Yesterday you said you didn’t have the proof until recently. And you know I wouldn’t have believed it without that proof! I think you’re still acting on jealousy! Luthor offered me what you never could.”
Her voice sounded so shrill and with every word he could feel her anger building up. They were in their biggest fight ever. And right now, it felt like the last one they’d ever have. Their points of view were so far apart, their experiences of the same events so different, he thought they couldn’t overcome this.
Her last words suddenly connected with his brain, and he stared at her, shocked by her words. A slight blush crept up her face, as if she regretted what she’d just said. He had no idea what she was trying to tell him, but it worried him. What more could she want than love? Even if she never returned it, he would never betray her the way Luthor had.
Her eyes met his, and he noticed the fury that was still there. With a small gesture she shrugged the words away, as if she’d never spoken them. What was happening to them?
“Never mind that, Clark. We’ve got more important things to talk about than Luthor himself.”
She stopped for a moment, leading Clark to wonder she’d never speak to him again. To do something with the awkward silence between them, and maybe to get rid of some of the heated atmosphere, he resumed walking. It didn’t matter where to, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
After a moment, he heard Lois jogging up behind him.
“What are you doing? Don’t walk away from me now, farmboy!”
Clark stopped dead in his tracks. The hurt and anger in her voice triggered his own fury once more. He spun on his heels and he faced her once again. “Whoever said I was doing that?”
“Oh, don’t get me started, Clark. Every time we’re having a serious conversation about some deeper personal issues, you run out on me with one of your lame excuses. And it looks like you’re doing it again! Let me tell you this, buster, if you run away from me now, don’t think of ever coming back!”
She said the words so fast that he had trouble following her. At least the topic wasn’t Luthor anymore, which Clark supposed was a good thing. To give her words some more strength, she hammered her fist on his chest. Luckily he had his invulnerability back, for her actions scared him. She was withdrawing further and further away. Any minute now, they would become complete strangers to each other, ignoring the friendship they’d once shared.
He grabbed her arm and ushered her to walk beside him. Some pedestrians were looking oddly at them.
“I’m not running away,” he hissed at her. “There are just things about me you don’t know, and which you’ll probably never know.”
“Then tell me, Clark. If this is where the bottom of our problems lie, then tell me.”
She sounded so sincere, and a lot calmer than before.
“I’m sorry, Lois. I can’t tell you. You wouldn’t understand. And it isn’t going to do this,” he moved a hand between them, aiming at an invisible line, “any good.”
“*I* wouldn’t understand? Try me, Clark!”
He could never leave her challenges unanswered, so the words left his mouth before he could think about them. “Fine, but don’t blame me if this backfires on you.”
“Fine.”
Both of them continued the stroll, neither was looking at the other.
Clark thought really hard about what to say. He could be such a lunkhead. Caught up in the moment of the fight, he had actually promised her to tell her about Superman. While earlier he’d already came to the conclusion not to mention that for a long time to come. Now what?
He wasn’t about to return to his earlier decision and tell her, after all. She already was mad at him, but if there was a chance - how small even that might seem right now, to become friends again - he wanted to fight for that. She meant too much to him to give up so easily.
Suddenly his hearing kicked in again. At first, all he could hear was Lois’s racing heartbeat, which meant she was still very upset. But then he started to hear a lot of other things, including a scream for help. He had no choice; he had to go and help. His conscience would beat him up for the next several days if he didn’t at least try to help. And that would be a lot worse than having to leave Lois right now. She couldn’t get madder than she already was, right? Now all he had to do was come up with a good excuse, one that wouldn’t sound lame.
“I’m really sorry, Lois, but can we finish this conversation another time?”
“What?”
“I ehh... I have to go to ehm...pick up my lucky pen from the dry cleaners since I left it in my pants. I only just remembered it. Sorry, Lois!”
Before Lois had the chance to reply, Clark dashed off. Turning around the first corner, Clark noticed his speed increasing. Perhaps more of his powers had returned. To be sure, he ducked into the first alley he spotted and made sure to be out of sight. While his hands worked on the buttons of his shirt, Clark started spinning, faster and faster until he was nothing more than a blur of red and blue. One second later, Superman stood in the deserted alley, surprised by the fast return of his powers. There was only one thing left. One test later and Clark flew away to help where he was needed.
*****
Lois stood nailed to the ground. She had been so sure they were going to fix everything. No more lying, just the truth. He had even promised her to tell why he was always leaving in the middle of their emotional conversations. It had been bugging her a lot, more than she dared to admit. So what did he do? He left yet again!
How dare he!
Leaving her, Lois Lane, alone.
What was it he had said again? Oh yeah, lucky pen... could it get any lamer?
In all those weeks with Luthor she’d missed Clark a lot. To the point of feeling hurt. His abandoning her now hurt more that she had ever imagined, even if it was quite predictable. What was she going to with him?
No, she wasn’t going to do anything with him except ignore him and then forget she had ever known him! He wasn’t worth her time. Lying was something she simply didn’t accept. Previous men in her life had hurt her badly with their lies, and she wouldn’t let it happen again.
Besides, he was the one who had accused *her.* She hadn’t done anything wrong. It was her life, so she had the right to do with it as it pleased her. Still feeling angry about Cl... no, about the man she didn’t know anymore, she resumed walking.
Admittedly, she had made a slip as well. She knew very well Lex hadn’t anything to offer that he couldn’t. In fact, Clark had far more appealing qualities. Except for that lunkheadedness of his and the ability to disappear whenever he felt like it. She was so fed up with that! When would he learn to talk things out, or mere agreeing with her, worked better?
If he had only told her the truth to start with, she would never have accepted Luthor’s proposal. And they could have nailed her ex-fiancé together. It could have been the Pulitzer she dreamt of. He wouldn’t even get rewarded for all his research since he didn’t have a paper to print the story in! That was stupid, and so not worth her professional standards. She was right; it was the best thing not to see him anymore.
As she looked up when she made that decision, she saw she had reached the entrance of the park. Spying an ice cream cart, she walked into the park and bought herself some ice-cream with a lot of chocolate in it. It was lovely spring weather; all around her she saw butterflies. She had to suppress a giggle as she thought about how long ago it was since she had enjoyed the sight of butterflies. She found an empty bench and settled down on it to enjoy the taste of the rich dark brown chocolate, in the hope it would make her feel better.
Anything would be better than thinking about her former partner. He was history! Just history!
While taking another bite and savoring the wonderful taste, she heard a familiar sound nearby. One look at the sky confirmed her suspicion. Superman was back! He had survived the Kryptonite cage and had his powers back. Her anger slowly disappeared as she thought of her super hero.
Until their last encounter came to her mind.
He had rejected her!
He had humiliated her!
She sighed in resignation. Obviously, all men she felt attracted to were scum. Well, she could do without them! She had done without them for years, it couldn’t be so hard now.
*****
TBC...
