Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Challenge FDK: Chi, Beta (you can read my post here first, if you want)

sorry for the unorthodox posting methods. it's like this: i'm on the road. won't be getting in for another couple days. didn't even expect to be online today. the hotel, however, has a LAN that (as far as i can tell, and i'm really really hoping i'm right) is free for guests. on top of that miracle, my laptop's ethernet card (despite all previous evidence to the contrary) actually does work.

so, i'm surprised to be able to log in, and at high speed, too. not sure when i'll be on again, either. i figured it'd be easiest to post everything now, on BR day. besides, the story is best read all at once, imo. i just split it into parts for convenience. it's a long story for me (50k!) and i figure most people like to have their story parts a little shorter.

personally, i'm most fond of the ending, so if you just finished plugging along through the beginning, i want you to know that i think it gets better later.

anyway, let me know what you think. consider yourselves BRs. if you have any comments or suggestions, tell me, here or privately.

guess that's it for now. i'm going to go build me a TOC .

Paul

It's too late at night for comments that would require any brain power, so I just want to roll around in laughter for a bit.

/me joins Jen in That was great! And it actually made perfect sense to someone who hasn't seen/read Chi of Steel, so you can rest easy there.

Paul, this was great! Loved the way you poked fun at the more open plot holes in Chi of Steel. Now, if only the eps had had a *real* beta-reader of sorts, imagine how much better they could have been!

I enjoyed your little swipe at NK, too. And at Dan. And at Mike. In fact, the only thing missing was a general swipe at Herb, but I'll forgive you.

Thanks for posting this, and hurrah for all our betas!

Hazel, who loved the MS line too

LOL! Paul, you're brilliant. Twisted, but brilliant

PJ

This was brilliant!! and I'm only on part one.

one small edit thing:
**Perry had been meeting with his broker, preparing to invest in an overseas company that required bearer bonds. A hooded the if dressed entirely in black except for a pair of intricately carved metal .**

I'm guessing you meant to type "thief" rather than "the if".

I'm off to read the rest before leaving for work.

**Well, yeah... Wait, you can hear apostrophes?"

"What can I say? I'm just that good."**


thanks for this gem! The story was a pleasure to read.

ROFLMAO!!!


Wendy

Paul,

This is great! Not only is it a good fic, but you managed to fix some major holes in the story line. I laughed all the way through! I particularly liked it that you fixed the ridiculous Jonathan and Martha story line before it even happened. I mean, c'mon! "Men work."??? And I thought I would choke when you pointed out the flaw in the fact that the granddaughter was conveniently out shopping for tea when Lois and Clark decided they needed to talk to her. Too funny! I had wondered about that... Most of the other stuff I wanted to point out has already been mentioned, so I'll cut this short.

And don't tell Anna, but I loved the bit poking fun of Dan. Great job, Paul! You had me throughout the episode, erm episode rewrite. Oh, and I hope for your sake the connection was free.

Jana

P.S. Rivka, take it from someone who has seen the episode, Paul's version makes much more sense!

Very Silly. <g>Laura

I smiled all the way through this, Paul. The parts everyone else flagged but also the digs at magic, and , oh yes, - the moose.<g> You picked the perfect episode to 'rewrite', too - so many holes in that one.
Very clever, very silly, teriffic.

Carol

Coming to the party late, and everyone has already given my comments, LOL! Paul, this was so funny. The perfect episode to "rewrite" in this format ... it was almost like "MSTying" it but in such an original, creative way.

So many funny digs ... at Dan, at Mike, at all the plot holes in this episode. I think my favorite was the one at M&J's "silly sit-com bet" with the men's work vs women's work, and especially Clark telling his mom "Did you think I would invite you here and not stock up on food?" I never caught that one in the episode before, but you are so right! Clarkie finally grew up, LOL.

Very clever and original! Thanks for sharing it with us!

Kathy

P.S. BTW, and just for future reference, I think you could have broken the story up into only two parts -- people routinely post 30K sections on these boards (at least I know I have) so I don't think you have to worry about a 50K story being too long for less than four parts.

I thoroughly enjoyed this, Paul!

What a perfect rewrite of 'Chi'. I LOLed about the moose in the hair, the references to Mike and Dan and... well, just about everything.

Great story! I love the comments Beta made, especially when she realized she was a Mary Sue! Nudging Clark in all the right directions, even having him ask Lois out. Very good!

And now, for a BR comment.. *ahem* might want to use a spell check. I noticed a few dropped letters, such as "pointe" instead of "pointed". I didn't keep track of them all, that's just the only one I can remember right now.

Paul, what an amazingly clever bit of fic!

Loved the moose so much, still laughing.

CC

Thoroughly enjoyed this Paul
merry

wow! this is much better than i was expecting! you liked it, you really liked it!

when i wrote this, i was pretty sick. the writing was going pretty slowly -- i think it about a week, maybe more -- and things felt kind of forced sometimes. i was constantly going back and forth between the fic and the script, going through everything scene by scene (except that i decided to write the whole thing from l&c's perspective, which let me cut out some material... but then i had to figure out how to add the relevant stuff back in so the story would still make sense). it was just dragging along. in the meantime, i was trying to think of what other stuff i could add in -- it's not easy to think of a good typeo to put in on purpose, and i didn't want to repeat the same gag too many times, either. far from writing itself, like most of my stories do, this one had to be prodded along every step of the way, and i had to prod myself to keep at it, too.

by the time i was done, it felt big and clumsy, with just a few gags forced in. i was still feeling sick, too. then, with the holiday and everything else going on, my BR barely had a chance to get back to me (i don't think it's my place to expand on that, but suffice it to say i'm amazed she managed to read the story. i can only put it down to dedication above and beyond). i had no idea what to expect from my readers.

let me tell you, seeing what you folcs had to say here was a very pleasant surprise. you're laughing and enthusiastic and saying it's original and... it's more than i'd dared hope.

anyway, i've now rambled on for a while, so i'm just going to respond to a few specific comments...

hazel said:

actually herb's not the only thing missing. i'd meant to add in a throw-away line at the end -- something to the effect of "I have to go see a mad scientist about some cloning research..." -- but forgot all about it when the time came. oh well. maybe i'll put it in for the archive version.

as for herb... uhm... well, you see.. he was in there, really he was. he just, uh... went back in time and edited himself back out. ... yeah, that's it. glad you forgive me for... uh, letting him get away with it.

joy, thanks so much for posting after part 1! that was especially good to hear, and then you came back and posted again! thanks!

also, thanks for this:

yes. that was my spell-checker. it did that somewhere else, too. i fixed the other one, but missed that.

jana said:

you got it. i won't tell anna. anna, if you're reading this, i didn't say anything. also, i suggest you skip reading jana's post and the bit i just quoted. you'd probably be bored.

oh, and yes, jana, the connection was free, thanks.

karen said:

thanks, karen. i did use spell check, and it found even more errors than usual. i was kind of surprised by some of them. like i said, i wasn't feeling well when i wrote the story. unfortunately, spell check can't weed out misplaced words ("pointe," for example, is a ballet term which means to arch your feet in more or less the way you would when walking on tiptoe. i learned it from my mom when she was explaining the old "pointe and flex" gym exercizes), and my BR, who ordinarlily would have caught those errors even if i'd missed them, had her own difficulties.

i'll check back over the fic before i send it in to the archives. thanks for pointing out the problem. i'd appreciate it anytime, but it's even more apporpriate for this one.

anyway, if anyone is still reading, i'm out of specific things to say. doesn't feel right, especially considering all the great comments here, but i can't think of anything to add. i can only say "thank you" so many times before it gets old. i'm just thrilled that it went over so well. thanks to everyone who took the time to let me know how much you enjoyed it.

Paul

Oh that was adorable, Paul! You are so creative and sooo funny!

I loved:
ROFL! Correctly identified indeed!

Sherry

hey sherry. i'm really glad to hear you enjoyed it, and i appreciate the general compliments, too. thanks for posting.

Paul