Phero-Moan My Lovely
By Mary Potts
Rated Q
I would like to apologize in advance for the story you are about to read. It came to me today and refused to go away until I’d written it.
---------------------------------------------
Lois stirred and let out a slight moan. Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. The last thing she remembered was being in the Daily Planet newsroom and getting sprayed in the face with some kind of liquid foot-odor! There were some other memories after that, but they were all vague and fuzzy, like a pizza-dream from two nights ago. Something had happened… Something involving Clark…
She blinked her eyes open and waited for them to adjust to the light of the mid-morning sun. There was something not quite right about her surroundings. This wasn’t her apartment. It took her only a moment to realize that she was at Clark’s place. But what was she doing here? And what especially was she doing in his bedroom? Her question was somewhat answered when she looked down at herself and noticed how she was dressed.
A scream escaped her. “Have I lost my mind???”
All of a sudden, Clark appeared at her side; he was dressed in only a bathrobe. “Lois? Are you all right?”
Lois got up and began to pace. “No, I’m not all right! What happened? What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here? Well of course I know what you’re doing here; you live here! For Pete’s Sake, did we---? Oh, Clark, please tell me we didn’t!”
Clark stared at her for a while, trying to understand what was going on. Then, realization dawned. “Oh, boy. The stuff finally wore off, didn’t it.”
Lois raised an eyebrow. “What stuff? What are you talking about?”
“Miranda’s pheromone.”
“Whose what?”
Clark sighed and slowly sank down on to the bed. “I guess you had to snap out of it sooner or later. Lois, please try not to scream. Do you remember that day at the planet, when those ladies were showing off a new perfume, and a blonde woman sprayed something terrible-smelling at everyone?”
“Yeah. That stuff smelled like feet!”
“It was a pheromone.”
“A what?”
“A pheromone. Basically, it lowered everyone’s inhibitions. Everybody, including you, was acting crazy, doing things they wouldn’t otherwise be doing.”
Lois inhaled sharply. “Oh my goodness. So are you saying we---? We really---?”
“Yes.”
Lois swore.
“I’m sorry, Lois.”
“Yeah right. When is a man ever sorry? You probably can’t wait to get back to the Planet so you can share this ‘moment-of-glory’ with all your buddies!”
“Lois, you know I would never do anything like that! Besides, there’s something you need to know…”
“I know enough!” Lois fumed. “I thought you were the last gentleman, Clark, but now I know you’re just a man, and you men are all a---like…” Something sparkly on her left hand caught her attention. “Clark?”
“I was trying to tell you, Lois. You see, the pheromone’s effects were supposed to wear off after a few days, but for some reason, you stayed affected much longer than everyone else. We took you to STAR labs, and they told us you might never get back to normal! I guess I’m glad they were wrong; I kind of missed you, Lois.”
Lois stared at the ring in bewilderment and tried to digest all she was hearing. “What do you mean I stayed affected longer? How long was I out of it?”
Clark opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the front door slamming open.
“Mom? Dad? I’m home! I know I wasn’t supposed to be back until one, but I left the sleepover early because I got in a fight with Pam. She thinks she’s so important, like she’s the chief or something! I’m so sick of her bossing me around. You know she called me a pig just because I took the last bagel? Well somebody had to take it! I mean, it’s not like it was reserved for anybody or anything, you know? And there aren’t any rules for “proper bagel etiquette,” at least not that I know of. But wouldn’t it be weird if there was? I think it’d be a sign that people have too much time on their hands. And Rat is always taking her side! You know, sometimes I wonder why I even hang out with them--at---all… What? Mom, why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?”
The End
