Per a request during the ceremony, here are the ads I wrote for the 2012 Kerth Awards. I am posting them here, because these aren't stories in of themselves, but more advertisements for stories written and/or Archived in the past year (and as such, Fanfic Related). If I start earlier next year, maybe your story will also be mocked (celebrated) at the 2013 Kerths.
As I missed the first 2 hours of the ceremony, so I only caught my ad for
Green-Eyed Monster (Pst. if you do read my story, don't do it in txt format, because you *need* to read it with the
italics showing). I don't know if all of my ads made it to the ceremony or if they needed to be edited for time or content. This is how they were originally written.
If anyone else wrote ads for the 2012 Kerth Ceremony, please feel free to reply to this post and ad them in! <<shakes head>> I know, I know, bad pun.
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I also wanted to write a breaking news bulletin about an escaped alien who had the appearance of a dirty man with long, shaggy hair who was considered dangerous and/or possibly terrorizing Metropolis <<cough, cough>> according to some <<cough>>, but I got too sucked into re-reading Female Hawk's story (
Trusting Me, Trusting You ) that I ran short of time to actually write it. My apologies.
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Does your boyfriend seem to have multiple personalities and you can’t tell if he’s coming or going? Send him to me*, Madame Moresca! But you’ll have to make the choice: do you want the exciting hero or the dependable family man? Returns are double the cost.
*This service does not work on women stolen through dimensional time-windows, who now think they are housewives to plumbers. You’re on your own for those.
Brought to you by Joan Powers’
Separate and
Soul Mates .
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Try Olef’s Color Brite Detergent, guaranteed to remove bomb stains and protect Spandex from oil and grease without stretching, pilling, or fading. Give Olef’s Color Brite Detergent a try! Clark Kent did! (This product has not been officially endorsed by Clark Kent or Superman).
For more information, please contact New Troy General Products Ltd., or read
The Inconveniences of doing Superman’s Laundry[/i] by Nan Smith.
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Come enjoy the island of Themyscira! Beautiful, exotic, and untraceable. Our citizens are cultured and law-abiding. We excel in art, civilization, sport, and superb medicinal healing. Leave your worries, cares, children, and men at home. (This offer is only available to adult women.) For more information, please contact Diana Prince at the Greek Embassy in Metropolis.
Brought to you by the Tourism Board of Themyscira and
[i]The Wonder of Love by Terry Leatherwood.
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<<Photo of a man with dark hair and glasses, who is standing with his hands on his hips. He’s wearing a pair of charcoal grey shorts with a matching button-down shirt with a navy lightning bolt cutting across the front of it>> MDS – delivers across town or across the country. We’re fast as lightning and make you feel just as hot. Metropolis Delivery Service – when it absolutely, positively, most certainly has to get there yesterday. (Disclaimer: MDS does not have the ability to travel through time.)
Three floors of books and music for all interests and reading levels. Our professional staff has real world experience in their area of expertise and can match you to the novel, travel guide, child’s book, or romance that is perfect for you. Our Periodicals’ supervisor has worked in the news business, the head of Cooking apprenticed under a French Chef, our Travel supervisor has been around the world, our head of Romance has… well, you get the picture. Daily Books – we know more about the world than any international non-defunct newspaper. A LexCo subsidiary.
Class. Style. Elegance. When you walk into the boardroom or into a cocktail party you want all eyes on you, not the cut of your suit. Custom tailoring services. Handcrafted shoes. Hand-stitched shirts. Ties weaved with only the finest silks. Original cufflinks and tiepins. For those outside our millionaire club, we have premade suits, shirts, shoes, and ties. Show the woman in your life your wild side with one of our original art ties. L.L. Emporium for Men – We’re good enough for Lex Luthor, so we’re certainly too good for you. A LexCo subsidiary.
Homesick for Mama’s cooking? Need a little TLC? Why don’t you come and join us at MJ’s Café? Located in the heart of the West End. Good food, good friends, good time. Food made with love, served with a smile. Homemade desserts. We’re a little bit of Kansas country in the city. Family owned and operated since 1980. We offer both lunch and dinner menus. Catering and take-out available. Hugs on request. Closed Sundays and Mondays.
These businesses can all be found in the ‘What If’ alt-alt-world dimension of VirginiaR’s
Green-Eyed Monster .
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This final ad was originally written for my GEM story, but got cut when I realized I had forgotten
to include the two big businesses in my retail driven story.
Carlton House restaurant. Fine French cuisine in the heart of Metropolis. Come for our wine selection, the best in the city. Stay for our ambiance and our chocolate desserts. Let us pop the cork of some bubbly for when you pop the question. Voted best place to propose in Metropolis Living magazine five years running. Show her that you care by taking her to the very best. Violin serenades on request. Reservations recommended during the week, required on the weekends and all holidays. (Dining and dashing is punishable by jail time or long hours of washing dishes, please dress accordingly.)
Great job! 
