from last time...
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He is about to leave. I don’t want him to. But my head is too much of a mess for me to pretend I want to jump back into a relationship. I mean, he lied to me about something HUGE. I trusted him more than anyone. How could I get back into a relationship with him with a clear head? With an actually completely clear head… and heart for that matter.
I wish so badly that this was a story, and not my life. If it were a story, I’d do what I do. Even if everything seemed impossible, I’d have my evidence, my story notes, my instincts and they’d all combine until the answer came to me. As a result, I always have a clear head when I am working and writing a story. If I could just stare at notes or SOMETHING, where the answers were hidden inside. Oh my god…
Hang on.
Dear Diary,
I am so stupid. So, so stupid. But now… my head is clear. I just hope I’m not too late. It’s Monday night, around 11:30 PM. And I just HOPE I am not too late.
Will write more later.
* * * ** * ** * * * * ** * * *
Dear Diary,
I can’t believe Lucy. Look at this:
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Lane, Lucy <ilovelucy311@freemail.com>
RECEIVED: Tuesday, June 2, 9:01 AM
Lois!
Guess what? I have a date on Friday night and you’ll never believe with who! Jimmy! Can you believe that? We just really bonded that night we went all around Metropolis handing out flyers. And we talked for so long (he, too, wants to see the team of Lane and Kent back together… the way they’re meant to be, just FYI). It was amazing. I’ve known him on an acquaintance-level through you for how long? And we just never knew how great we could actually get along if we’d just hung out (thanks for that, sis!).
Anyway, just thought you’d find that amusing.
Ahh… romance is in the air! So… can you smell it too?
Lucy
_ _ _ _ _ _
Well, at least some things never change:
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TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Lane, Mom <ih8samlane@freemail.com>
RECEIVED: Tuesday, June 2, 9:21 AM
Okay, I don’t care if this is Lois or the IT department. You call me, young lady. I have been worried. You don’t write back, don’t call. I have no idea why you broke up with Clark Kent and as your mother I feel it is my duty to talk you into overlooking that reason. He’s nice and he loves you and he’ll clearly make an attractive older man as well! I am sick to death, Lois, of you not talking to me. I am coming over next Saturday and you and I are spending the day together. Whether you like it or not! I’ll be there at noon. Be ready.
Love,
Mom
_ _ _ _ _ _
Well, I guess I am spending the day with my mom. Yay me. I guess I had this coming, since I ignored her emails before.
I was hoping to spend Saturday with Clark. We still have so much to talk about. But we’ll be together all this week and for the other parts of next weekend. And after that as well.
Do you know why that is??????
Because finally… well… Clark and I are…
Well, I’ll rewind to last night. Last night aka the The Best Night of My Life!!!!!!
I realized, last time I wrote in this, that the answers I’ve been waiting for were right there all the time. What was in my heart WAS on paper. Like notes. Like when I write a story. And just like when I write a story, I looked at those notes… and it all just came to me. So I did what I had to do.
I drove for an hour and stood in the middle of a beautiful field and screamed my head off. I felt foolish. But I knew that I couldn’t just go to his apartment and tell him what I had learned. I had to do something bigger than that. And I had to surprise him. I had to make a grand gesture, basically. The ultimate gesture, you might say.
So there was I was screaming “Superman!” and “Aah!” and other things and feeling really, really stupid.
But it worked.
In seconds he was there.
“Lois! Lois… what… are you okay?”
“I want to talk to Clark,” I said, catching my breath.
“You are,” he said, all confused.
“No… I want to see Clark,” I corrected.
With a look of complete confusion on his face, he granted my wish and spun back into himself. He was still in his work clothes, sort of. He had his suit pants on and a collar, button-up shirt. No tie. A few buttons undone. For the record: he never looked sexier. Looking that way and in the moonlight…
Sidetracking! So, anyway…
Once he was… Clark… he suddenly realized where we were. He looked around. We were in the exact spot where we came on our two month anniversary. The exact spot where he opened his heart completely to me, as promised. The exact spot where our beginning was—like once before—actually an end.
But not this time. And never again, either.
“Clark, you took me here two weeks ago and told me your biggest secret. Something you’ve never told anyone before. I don’t think I told you how much it meant to me,” I said.
“You broke up with me,” he said, his eyebrows raised. He didn’t look annoyed or angry, saying that… just curious about where I was going… or interested anyway.
“Yeah, like I said, I didn’t tell you how much it meant to me…” It was a joke, but neither of us laughed. “Clark… I didn’t know how much it meant to me… but now…”
He looked at me, an unreadable expression on his face. He just stood there, not moving, not daring to change his stance even a little. He was still and… focused on me intently. And I’m pretty sure I saw some hope flicker across his solemn expression. Somewhere in his eyes. His brown, beautiful eyes that I have recently realized and admitted I miss… I REALLY miss… looking into.
I took a deep breath.
“I’ve been so confused lately, Clark. Conflicted. My heart felt like it was being pulled in about eight different directions. When you told me your secret weeks ago, I tried to convince myself I hated you. But how did that go? You needed someone to cover for you at work; I did it without thinking about it. Dan What’s-His-Name kissed me—“ I started, seeing a pained (and angry?) look fall across his features before I barreled on quickly. “And I hated it and thought of you… I knew I only ever wanted to kiss you, the man I ‘hated’. You were in trouble and hurting, and I couldn’t turn my back on you—not even for a second. I needed to help you with everything I have. But riding alongside the fact that I tried to hate you and failed miserably were these feelings of sadness that you hadn’t told me the most important thing about you and betrayal because you… you are my life. You are my partner, my best friend, you were my boyfriend… someone I could see myself with forever. You knew everything about me. And I’ve been lied to in the past. Walked all over. Used. You know I have a hard time trusting easily. So, there you have it. The state of my mind and heart from the last few weeks, Clark. And ‘confusing’ doesn’t even begin to describe it. I am sorry that I couldn’t figure out what to do and what I wanted. I mean, like I said, it kept changing and my emotions and thoughts were at war constantly and it was always escalating with each passing day.”
I looked at him. I wanted to make sure he was still there, still with me… not reeling from my revelation that Dan What’s-His-Name kissed me. Although I think I made it perfectly clear that it wasn’t my fault and was nothing! Anyway. Not the point. Okay, moving on.
He was still looking at me with an ever-unreadable expression on his face. He looked frozen—hanging on my every word.
I sighed. “I just wished that I had access to my heart from a reporter’s-eye-view. I wished I could analyze it like I do our stories. Dissect it logically, from a removed place. I thought, if I could just see what’s in there causing me—and you—so much grief and confusion and sort it out, we’d be okay again. It’s the only way I know how to do things. Well, it’s the only way I know how to do things with a clear head.”
“You can’t deal with the matters of your heart like you would deal with a story, Lois,” he said. It was the first thing he’d said in awhile, so it shocked me. It felt really nice to hear his voice. Even though he didn’t know WHAT he was talking about. “Sometimes your heart isn’t always crystal clear. Sometimes when you listen to your heart, you don’t always do the most logical things.”
“Like when I asked you to watch that movie with me on my bed? Or when I kissed you? Or when I told you… as Superman… the day after that kiss how I wanted to make sure nothing could ever happen with you before I allowed anything more to happen between YOU and I? Or like how when you told me your secret, I cut you out of my life, saying we were through?”
He looked at me, wide-eyed. He obviously had no idea HOW much thought I had given to us… all of us… lately.
“Believe me, Clark. I know what it’s like to listen to your heart and do something that makes no sense or that isn’t outlined with logic. I’ve run on pure emotion in the past and acted without thinking. Sometimes it led to good things. Other times it messed me all up. Messed us all up. And what you told me was by far the biggest thing that has ever come our way… and it threw me more than anything in the past has, putting so many—too many—confusing thoughts and emotions in me to act on. So… it kind of felt nice when I was able to look at it all with a clear head awhile ago, so I could see what was clearly in here,” I said, touching my hand to my heart as a gentle smile played across my lips.
“Well now I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, looking mildly amused to see me once again off and running. Babbling. Rambling. Like I used to do with him every day. Before.
“I know what is in my heart, Clark. I guess I always did. But I SAW it. In writing. I saw that I am miserable whenever we’re apart. I saw that all the good things and feelings in my life are somehow bound to you. I saw that I have never and will never feel the way I feel when we’re together. When we’re talking or laughing or hugging or kissing…” I trailed off blushing.
He looked confused, but I decided to just keep going. Get it all out.
“I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to show me what love really is. I thought at one point that I’d missed the lesson and would just never know. And that was okay. For me, that was okay. And then I met you. I wasn’t expecting it to be you who would show me what love really is. But you did. You did things for me. You always put me first. You put your heart on the line and let it be crushed a thousand times and never went away. You always let things move at a pace I was ready for, both as a friend and a partner… and as a boyfriend. When you were gone for those two weeks in what seems like a world ago from now, I really learned about love. I knew what it was because suddenly there was this aching void where it had been. Where you had been. And when you came back and we started dating, I felt it everywhere. I was able to give myself to you in a way I’ve never given myself to anyone. Without fear and without reservation, because I knew it was worse to be without you. More than that… because I TRUSTED you. I thought, ‘this man, this is love.’ You showed me, Clark. When you told me you were Superman two weeks ago… I thought ‘lying and betraying… that is NOT love.’ I felt so upset that I had given myself to you under, I don’t know, false pretenses or something. I was looking through my diary tonight—“ I said, before I could stop myself (I was just sort of on a roll, I wasn’t screening my thoughts!)
“Diary?” he asked, looking amused, a familiar twinkle in his eyes, that he used to always have when teasing me.
“Uh… yeah. When you left that time, I was beyond calming down, so Lucy got me a… journal… and I’ve been recording my feelings pretty regularly since then,” I explained, blushing.
He smiled.
“I saw a conversation we had a long time ago, when I was getting over the flu. You mentioned it two weeks ago, on that night, but I didn’t let myself hear it and take it in. But to read through it again…” I looked up at him. “You and I weren’t even dating then, and you told me, you looked me in the eyes and promised me that someday you would tell me why you used to run away when you traveled. You promised me, like you always knew you’d do it, no matter what happened with us. Like you always knew you’d tell me your secret,” I said, tears in my eyes.
He looked at me and didn’t say anything. But the look on his face said it all.
“You took the ultimate risk for me. Letting me in on this. This thing that no one knows. You entrusted me with the most precious thing… yourself. All of you. You showed me yourself completely, which for you is actually a huge risk and something that, I can see now, re-reading everything, scared the hell out of you. I guess what I’m trying to say is… THAT is love. You have always shown me what love is, and when you didn’t tell me about yourself, I do believe you always meant to, and I realize what that was like for you… and what that meant. How much it… “ I stopped and looked up at him. I could see tears in his eyes, too. I shook my head, my emotions too much for me to take just at that moment. It was too much for me to continue.
Here we were in this great, amazing field, the stars and moon lighting our eyes, highlighting our hair, making our skin glow… you could hear the crickets nearby, everywhere… it was so calm… I felt like I could hear his heart beating. His emotions looked ready to break the surface.
“I’m sorry, Clark,” I said, practically whispering.
“Why?”
“The answers were always there. In those pages, it is so clear what you feel for me. And it’s so clear what I feel for you. I wasn’t even really confused… just rocked. My world was completely rocked, and I couldn’t just pick up where I left off before without knowing what it meant. And now I know. I actually trust you more than I ever did before, which is amazing to me, since I always trusted you completely—because now I know how much trust you’ve put in me… how much trust you always put in me. I know that when I’m sick, you’ll always be the one sitting for hours, making sure I’m being taken care of. I know when I’m bored that you will come and tell me stories. I know when I’m scared, you’ll be there to protect me and make me feel safe. I know when the world seems dark, there is always this one person in my life that is always forever-good. Forever Clark. And you give me hope. You always have.” I was crying now. Not even attempting to hold the tears back.
I looked down just then, though… attempting to get a hold of my emotions because… there was something else I had to say.
“I’m sorry for something else too….”
“What?”
I looked at him. “I’ve said a few things to you and I really need to clear the air. I said to you, a little while ago, that I didn’t believe you’d ever lay down your life for me. That it was just something you said because nothing could hurt you. I want you to know that I know that’s not true. I know you mean those words. I’ve always known you meant those words. And I do know there is something that can hurt you, too. There’s that green rock that has hurt you in the past. And there’s me. I can hurt you…in another way. And I have. I made you think that I don’t think you’re a hero at all—that you have powers so you might as well use them. I can only imagine how I hurt you when I said that. Clark… you make sacrifices everyday to be a hero. For two years, you’ve faced my wrath when you’ve disappeared without a good reason in the middle of a discussion or a conference or a workday… you risked being a real normal guy. You work a full-time job and manage to be so close to your family and have good friends, while saving the lives of so many people whenever you hear that there’s trouble. You’re more of a hero in my eyes now that I know the truth, than when I just thought of Superman as a full-time hero. And I mean that.”
He shook his head, looking full of emotions… looking speechless.
“I told you that you had no right to be angry at me that day the billboard fell. Clark, you are a man and you have feelings. If I ever made it seem like you should hide your feelings and lock them away, never feeling or showing them, I am so sorry. I can see now how much I hurt you when I gave myself to you, my partner, my friend, my boy-next-door ordinary man and then ran to the superhero and ran everything by him, making sure I didn’t stand a chance with him before I committed to anything with you. Even though that whole thing was brought on by a LOT of confusion on my part. I can see how it would’ve made you feel and you have every right to your feelings. I know that you are not invulnerable. Not really. Not in so many ways that matter. One thing that seeing my feelings on paper really showed me is what a good friend you are and always have been. How in tune you are with… with me,” I stopped. I took a step closer to him. “I love you, Clark. I never stopped loving you. I won’t lie, there were moments where I tried to not love you… but it never worked. Not for a second. Please, please, please tell me I’m not too late,” I said, looking up at him as another tear escaped my eye.
He smiled. “Lois, all you had to say was ‘I’ve thought it over and I want to be with you again.’ You didn’t need to go through all that. You must’ve known that all I have wanted since we’ve been apart is just to be back together.”
I smiled, realizing my vision was blurred from the tears in my eyes. “Well, I had to get it all out in the open. You know writing and TALKING are very therapeutic. Better than keeping it all in and being angry at the whole world, which was the way I used to operate,” I babbled, which made him smile.
“Clark, I have evidence to prove that when you and I are apart, it doesn’t work. It’s bad. We are both very unhappy. So I think…from now on… we should…. we should just be together. Forever. I have evidence to prove that when we’re together, angels sing and harps play and the whole world rejoices in harmony. Well, okay, maybe not PROOF of those things. But that is pretty much what it feels like when you and I are together and… and NOT apart. So what do you say?”
I looked up at him, just as he lowered his face slowly to mine, his hand moving to cup my cheek in that way that I had so missed in the past two weeks. When his lips closed over mine, I let out a quivering sigh, aware that tears were falling down my cheeks. It’s just… I was kissing Clark again! Not because he’d burst into my apartment and kissed me while I was still confused, but because we were together again and I hadn’t lost him because of my own stupid, stubborn pride or whatever. He was there with me, and I was FINALLY adjusting that scene in the field so it had a much happier ending… or beginning, rather. He immediately started to gently, sweetly, kiss the tears on my cheeks, and my eyes, before I found his lips again. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body close to him, feeling his arms tighten, then, around my waist, intensifying that closeness. That urgency.
A soft summer breeze made my moist cheeks cool, and my hair blow, and I felt like I could hear the grass in the field rolling. The breeze swept through my soul as Clark’s love once again became one with my own.
Clark… my Clark…
I had him back.
Eventually (unfortunately), we ended the kiss and pulled back, looking into each other’s eyes.
“I love you so much,” he said at last (took him long enough to ensure me that he still did—even though I kind of had a STRONG inkling he did).
I smiled. “I love you, too,” I said.
We hugged like we were doing a slow dance in that empty, giant field. My head on his chest, I could feel his heart beating. It felt simply wonderful.
“Clark,” I said, after a moment.
He looked down at me.
“Look… I could sort of tell that you haven’t been taking care of yourself lately. Not eating much. Probably barely sleeping…” I started.
“Is it that obvious? My mom said the same thing!” he said, looking confused.
I figured I could tell him how I listened to his message after first pretty much breaking into his apartment another time.
“I don’t really need food or sleep. Not like humans,” he explained.
“Yeah, but if you start taking in a lot less food and sleeping a lot less when you’re used to it, even your body would react,” I pointed out. “I know you were depressed when we were apart. I was too. But I tried to sleep. And I continued to have regular meals, even if I didn’t eat everything on the plate. How would you have felt if you found out I had altogether pretty much stopped eating?”
“I’d worry,” he admitted. “Okay, point taken. In the future, no matter what, I will remember to take care of myself,” he said.
“Good,” I said, patting his chest.
He cupped my cheek and looked into my eyes. I was pretty sure he was about to lay another beautiful, mind-numbing kiss on me. But no.
“So… you kissed that guy?” he asked, in a teasing tone.
“HE kissed ME,” I corrected. “It lasted all of two seconds and I ordered him to take me back to the Planet and I haven’t seen him since.”
“Ah,” he said, smiling. He looked deeply in my eyes again, making me think he was about to lean in for an amazing kiss again. BUT… again, no. “So… any chance I could see this diary?”
“In your dreams, Kent,” I said, my arms still wrapped around his waist.
“Lois Lane’s Diary… I’ll bet a lot of people would pay good money to read YOUR thoughts,” he said.
“Well let them offer, it’s not happening,” I said.
He laughed.
“What?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows together in confusion.
“I’ll bet you babble even in writing,” he said.
“I do not!” I said, pretend-offended. Hey, he won’t read this—he never has to know!
He looked at me like he knew better.
I realized then that my life really did feel perfect. Just then. I knew this man completely. He knew me completely. We loved each other completely. We had the rest of our lives ahead of us to prove that. I felt happier than I’d ever felt in my whole life.
As I was realizing this, he FINALLY pulled me into another mind-blowing, beautiful kiss.
We spent the rest of the night sitting on that field, talking. I asked him a lot of questions that I still wanted answers to about his double-life and growing up. And, okay, between the talking there was a lot of kissing. But we were making up for lost time!
We eventually went to my jeep and he drove us home, holding my hand the entire time.
Now I am back at work. I just finished writing up the story about the press conference and Henry David with my PARTNER!! Perry is beyond excited that A) the news is back to normal, being that there is a juicy story for the front page and that B) Clark and I are on it… together.
I am done with looking for trouble around every corner. Done with assuming something will happen to ruin my happiness. Two Month Syndromes, being one of them. I, for now, will only assume that even when things are the absolute best (as they undoubtedly will constantly be from now on), that the best is still yet to come!
Clark just looked over here and saw that I was writing in a leather bound book! Damn thing, it just screams DIARY! He knows.
He winked and smiled all coyly! Oh, he thinks he is so smart!
I never should have told him about this book…. but it just sort of slipped out. The stupid thing became my best friend when my best friend wasn’t there. It’s a major part of my life now! It could not be helped.
Oh, what do I care. I am in LOVE!
Oh… an email from Clark!
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TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Kent, Clark <ckent@dailyplanet.com>
RECEIVED: Tuesday, June 2, 11:37 AM
I love you.
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Kent, Clark <ckent@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
SENT: Tuesday, June 3, 11:38 AM
I love you, too.
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I think it’s safe to say that we are well on our way to living happily ever after!
