Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic The Angst Is Killing Me Softly or FDK for The Ghost of Christmas Past 2/2

They are both hurting so badly here, I can hardly stand it. I think that's what I love most about how both of you write. Somehow, at the same time as I'm marveling at the understated elegance of your prose, my heart is being ripped to shreds...yet somehow I can't stop reading. Narcotic. That's what it is.

Now, I KNOW this part was Dave. Better than Rex, huh?

I refer to my above statement regarding understated elegance. Such simplicity with such great power underneath.

Great touch with the clothing bit, too. He only feels like himself when in "regular" clothing. And she prefers him that way too.

Also enjoyed the end--back to the window, only with a totally different meaning behind it. So well done.

Thanks for making my Christmas merry again

Beautifully done! Just when I thought there was nothing new that could be done with TOGOM, you've achieved it!

Irene

beautiful story.

I know how much you love that episode Wendy , I love it too, and you write and write stories about it and I dont know how can you do it, your imagination is just like lois imagination, .....eternal.lol

I love this one too.

Great work to you two for this great story.

Karla

This story touches, very beautifully, on the one subject that bothers me more than anything else in the Lois and Clark universe. Clark's lies about himself. His absolute refusal to tell Lois that he is also Superman. His conclusion that he has to keep this fact a secret from her, so that he is actually feeling righteous about lying to her. And then, his self-pity because he is being forced to lie. And finally, his anger and resentment at her for making him lie.

We see this charade of Clark's lies, self-righteousness, self-pity and resentment being played out in LC story after LC story. I can't offhand remember one such story that doesn't end in WAFF, in Clark's confession, in Lois's initial fury but subsequent forgiveness, and then in passionate kisses. And the more times I see this story played out, the less I understand it, and the more frustrated I get. Why does Clark keep lying to Lois anyway? Why can't he tell her about his true self?

His true self... well, maybe there's the rub. For what are our true selves anyway? I once saw a TV documentary about a woman whose life-threatening epilepsy had forced her doctors to cut the connection between her two brain hemispheres. This had the remarkable and devastating effect of actually turning her into two people inhabitating one body. In the documentary, the woman used her left hemisphere to speak, saying she was going to wear her blue dress today. But at the same instant, her left hand, guided by her right hemisphere, reached into the closet for her green dress.

Who was that woman really? What was her true self?

If I knew Shakespeare better, I would quote those lines where he says that every person is really an entire world, full of clamoring voices. Conflicting wishes. Confusing and opposing desires, plans, dreams and strategies. And all of them trying to get the upper hand, all trying to steer and guide and control that body which they are all inhabiting.

Who are we really? What are we?

I think we mold ourselves into the persons that we are. Deliberately or not, we train ourselves, learn our lines, practice our reactions and habits until they become automatic. Of course, we learn a number of roles, and we get really skilled at playing them. The Person at work. The Spouse. The Parent. The Best Friend. The Aquaintance. And many others. We learn them all by heart, performing the parts of our various selves, switching instantly from the performance of one persona to another.

But as we keep performing the same parts, we get ever more hopelessly stuck in them. We sink ever deeper into the ruts of our own making. And as we look for our true self, we may be unable to find it. Because all we have are the various fronts we put on, along with all the little habits and tics and what not that comes with each of them.

Who is Clark? Superman? Kal-El? I like to think of him as a man destined to be with Lois Lane, to win her love. She was the one who molded him into Superman, and a big part of his reason for being the superhero at all is that he's putting on this performance for her. For Lois. And he's doing it so well that she is fawning over him with childish adulation.

But he can't tolerate being this two-dimensional cardboard cutout for long periods before he has to return to... his true self? Hardly. No, he has to get back to this person who works with Lois, sitting next to her in the Daily Planet bullpen, presenting himself to her as an ordinary man from Smallville, Kansas, and trying to win her trust. A trust that he actually doesn't deserve, since he is lying to her, but a trust that he is gaining nevertheless.

And now she believes in him. As Superman, her shining knight, her superhero, the man who gives himself to the world and has basically no private life at all. And as dear dependable non-superpowered Clark Kent, her best friend and farmboy from Kansas, who will always be there just for her. How can he disillusion her of both these false images of himself, by telling her that these two men inhabit the same body?

How terrible will it be to see both her hero-worship and her implicit trust in him die in her eyes, as he tells her that neither Superman nor Clark is a whole, self-contained being?

And after that, how can he be Superman again?

Or Clark?

And then, what will he be?

In your story, Wendy and Dave, Lois has learnt about Clark's double identity, and she has rejected him. And because he can't bear to see the pain and accusation in her eyes, Superman is going to retire. And the man that was Clark Kent will start over again somewhere far away, friendless and alone, under the name of Ryan Kean. His name, his life, his love, his job, his home and the man that he thought that he was, everything ripped away from him.

No wonder he doesn't want that to happen. No wonder he is terrified of telling her.

No wonder he feels righteous about lying to her. Well, because if he told her, then Superman might have to retire. And what would it mean to the world if its number one protector had to hang up his cape?

No wonder he is full of self-pity for feeling the need to lie to her. Superman, the symbol of truth and justice, simply shouldn't have to lie. How unfair it is that circumstances beyond his control are forcing him to lie!

But what exactly are those circumstances that are forcing him to lie? They have a name, don't they? The name of Lois Lane. She's the one who makes him lie. Because if he tells her the truth, she will look at him with her eyes full of hurt, and how can she do that to him?

And that's why he is so resentful. At her. Because if he tells her the truth, she will be angry at him for lying at her.

The lesson to be learned here is that... Well, maybe that the person who calls himself Clark Kent is a man who wants so badly to do the right thing that he gets himself tied up in a jumble of knots all the time. And that for all of his altruism and good will, he is as fallible and confused as the rest of us.

And maybe that his Superman persona is causing him to evolve a dangerous streak, the automatic assumption that he needs to make decisions for others. That he knows what is best for them. The way he decides in this story that he has to leave Lois for her own good, even though she tells him that he mustn't run away from her.

And that, in some ways, he really is a coward.

I would like this kind of stories to end with Clark's acknowledgement of his own cowardice and confusion. With his realisation that once he has lowered the false fronts of his two personas in front of Lois, he doesn't have a "true self" underneath which he can show to her instead. That he will have to pick up the pieces of himself and build and mold himself into a truer, more honest man than he was before, and that he can only do this with Lois's help and blessing. That he can only ever do it if he is embraced and enveloped in her love. And that he should get up the courage to tell her that.

Sorry I got so long-winded. But the way Clark lies to Lois and then punishes her for it is really getting to me.

Beautiful story, though, Wendy and Dave. And you did get Clark to make at least some of the acknowledgements and confessions that I really like to hear from him in this kind of story.

Ann

Wendy and Dave

An excellent finish!

Tricia

Wow. Just.. wow.

Poor Lois, I knew that would be a shock. But, of course, she couldn't give up Clark. And poor Clark. But Lois, as always, came through. With such an original story, too! That was a stroke of genius coming from you two! Wonderful job, Dave and Wendy! And such a satisfying happy ending to a wonderful Christmas story.

It was different the idea of asking Henderson and Perry for help

Jose

Great job Wendy and Dave! What a wonderful Christmas story. laura

Hi,

Great story.


MAF

I love the way that was written. The words and their flow truly echo the concepts behind them.

This was heartbreaking, but at the same time, I can't blame her. As I said in the previous chapter, four weeks is simply appalling. I've read lots of TOGOM stories, and even seeing her pain for just a couple of days made me ache for Lois. But for Clark to have allowed her grieving to last for so long... it did get me riled up. And angry for her.

But then, this story is about love, and how it triumphs. And that's something I believe in, both in real life, and in the context of these two dear characters.

What a lovely reminder for Christmas, too.

Thank you, Wendy and Dave. Happy holidays!

Checking in from the in-law's place... lovely story, Wendy & Dave! Horribly angsty, of course, which is why I didn't read part one until after part two was up

And Ann -- your mini-essays are fascinating. You see things that I don't, and I'm glad you share

PJ

I am SO glad that this had a WAFFY ending! This story was absolutely fantastic! The characters were spot on, and even I was wondering how Lois would come up with a way to 'bring Clark back to life', though she's right, the story is full of holes. But as said in the story (and many times on Buffy) people's minds will believe only what they are willing to, and block out the rest, so in that sense it's perfectly plausible. Anyhoo, that was a wonderful Christmas present....beautiful story!

Ann, I would like to take issue with some of the things you wrote in your very eloquent post. This is an excellent presentation of the viewpoint that Clark should share his secret with Lois early in their relationship, as soon as he feels he can trust her.

But when does that point come? In S1, she treats him like dirt, complains about being saddled with a hack from Nowhereseville, steals his story, complains to Perry about Clark lying to her (but excuses her lies to him), and agrees to marry Lex Luthor after rejecting Clark in favor of Superman, not to mention refusing to believe Clark's assertions that Lex is a criminal. My question would be, why should he trust her at all? She's not exactly the ideal person to carry such a terrible secret, at least not at this point in their relationship.

I will agree with you that Clark should have shared the secret before asking her to marry him, but even then he wasn't completely, absolutely sure she loved him as much as he loved her. If you tell someone a secret, you give that person power over you, power that increases proportionally with your need to keep the secret from spreading.

We have to remember that this secret includes Clark's parents, as well, because if anyone with evil intent learned of Superman's civilian identity, their lives would be forfeit. Maybe Clark could save them before they were killed, but they'd never again be able to be Jonathan and Martha Kent.

And don't forget Jonathan's "dissect you like a frog" speech, repeated over and over to a growing teenager already out of step with society because of his amazing differences. Such strong opinions directed to an adolescent would affect that young person's mind for the rest of his or her life. Clark's natural inclinations to help with his powers and strongly perceived need to keep them a secret had to have been almost psychosis-inducing, and having Superman as the convenient public persona is a tremendous emotional release.

I understand your desire for Clark to be honest with Lois, but let's not forget all the factors involved. We're not talking about a man who's hiding a past marriage or a jail term or a bankruptcy. This is immense! Can Lois be trusted with something that huge, and if so, how can he tell? Can Clark keep his parents safe if he tells her? For that matter, can he keep Lois safe if she knows? It's not a simple decision.

Having said this, I enjoy reading your posts, Ann. Even though I don't always agree with your viewpoint, you always present yourself with intelligence and reason and you don't make personal attacks. I respect you and what you write, and I hope you accept this in the spirit of peaceful disagreement, because that's how I wanted to present it.

Merry Christmas to all FOLCs! And may the new year bring more angst, WAFFiness, and intelligent discussions.

This is somewhat OT, and I am not as eloquent as you both are, so I'll just say this:

Lois had just risked her own life to save Clark's parents. I'd take issue with his claiming that he still wasn't sure about how deep her love was for him, as Clark and not Superman, at that point. (I am obviously not a fan of the "I needed to know you'd marry me for me" explanation. )

Terry, thank you so much for wanting to discuss this thing with me, since it really is bothering me so much!

Actually, I agree with practically everything you are saying in your post. The main reason why you and I are disagreeing at all is that we are looking at the entire concept of Lois and Clark from different starting points. To you, the fanfiction stories that can be written about Lois and Clark should be a continuation or an explanation of nothing but the things we have seen in the Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher TV show. And seeing that these boards wouldn't have existed in the first place if it hadn't been for this TV show, how can I blame you, or anyone else for that matter, for thinking that nothing but the TV show should be used to explain and inspire the Lois and Clark fanfiction stories which are posted on these boards?

But I have been a Lois and Superman/Clark fan for almost 37 years, since early 1969. That's when I read a comic book story where Superman proposed to Lois Lane, and that is when I fell in love with this immortal couple. And to me, Lois and Clark is about all the things I have read and seen of Lois and Superman/Clark since 1969, including even earlier comic book back issues and a few episodes of the George Reeves Superman TV show.

To me, Lois and Superman/Clark are three people who are really two, who are irresistibly drawn to one another, but who are often hopelessly kept apart from one another precisely because they are two people who appear to be three. But only two of the three people, or rather one of the two, knows that there really are only two of them. And it's up to him to meld the two men of the love triangle into one man, so that three become two and two can be one. But again and again, he refused to do so, and lied to her instead, and kept them separate.

How has he lied to her? Let me count the ways. In the comic books of the early seventies, he was openly, publicly dating her in her Superman persona. Because the alternative, that of telling her the truth about himself and dating her as Clark Kent, was of course unthinkable. Some time in the late sixties, he proposed to her as Superman, telling her that now that she'd be Superman's wife he would have to lock her up in his Arctic Fortress of Solitude, to protect her from his enemies. In the movie "Superman II" he accidentally revealed his secret identity to her, almost immediately afterwards made love to her, and, being unable to deal with the consequences, later wiped her memory with an amnesia-inducing kiss. In the end of that movie, he flew off, smiling ecstatically, possibly because now he had made love to Lois Lane and she still didn't know a thing about it, or about him. In a comic book from 1990 he proposed to her as Clark Kent, without informing her that he was also Superman. In the Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher TV show he also proposed to her as Clark Kent, again without telling her that he was also Superman.

And in a comic book from the forties, we were told that Superman's secret identity was being revealed to the world in a film being shown in a movie theater. What was Clark's reaction? Not that he had to destroy the film. No, that he had to prevent Lois from seeing it. Because this wasn't about protecting himself or his loved ones from the world. This was about protecting himself from Lois Lane.

And suddenly this is really serious. This secret identity thing is suddenly not between himself and the world, but between him and Lois. It's not about keeping the world at bay, but about keeping Lois at bay. And having a relationship with her at the same time. But, because of the secret identity barrier between them, which he has erected and she knows nothing about, the relationship they can have will be entirely, entirely on his terms.

Did anyone say trust here? Did anyone say respect?

I want to like Clark. I really, really want to like him. And there have been so many times - in the comic books, in the movies, in the TV shows, in the fanfic stories - when I have loved him so, so, so much. But there are too many times, nevertheless, when he is lying to Lois, taking advantage of her, being self-righteous about his lies or blaming her for them - when I can hardly stand him.

Please understand I'm not saying he should have told her the truth about himself right away. I think it is an important part of the Lois and Clark universe that he doesn't tell her immediately.

But I want to like him when he is confessing his lies to her. Disillusioning somebody else about some fundamental truths about yourself is incredibly scary. There was an unemployed man here in Europe who for years told his family that he was a doctor, working for the U.N. or something. Every morning he left for "work" and every night he came back again, squandering the family fortune in the process. Eventually, when the authorities were on to him, he chose to kill his wife, his children and his parents rather than tell them about his lies!

Confessing your lies, confessing to your loved ones that you are another person than they think you are, is so unbelievably scary. I want Clark to be brave enough, and honorable enough, and generous and loving enough, to confess his lies to Lois in such a way that he doesn't blame her for them. I want him to do it in such a way that he doesn't even ask her to accept an equal share of the blame for the lies he has been feeding her. I want him to be good and noble and loving enough to feel guilty about his lies.

Ann

Ann, I want to thank you for the feedback you've been posting on various stories, recently.

I don't often have time to fit reading stories in these days and I have a to read list as long as my arm, but I do still read and enjoy the discussions in comments folders and I've found reading your detailed and thoughtful - and thought-provoking! - comments a real pleasure recently.

Even when I don't always agree with the opinion, you've presented them in such an intelligent, interesting way, that I enjoy reading them.

Thank you.

LabRat

Way cool discussion. And a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah and cheery Sunday to all.

Just a thought, Ann & gang. While I'm in agreement and awe at your character analysis, perhaps the reason you're not seeing what you're looking for is wrapped up in a different tenet of L&C canon: Specifically, many fanfic writers subscribe to the L&C-era belief that Clark's redemption/evolution cannot, does not and will not occur without the participation of Lois Lane. For me, this was a very key attraction of the L&C:TNAOS incarnation.

So here's a question, do writers take the 'easy' way out by making Lois's solutions the pivot on which Clark begins his tranformation into a better, more complete Clark, or does the "stronger than me alone" device trump Clark having to face his demons fully? If you get the character insight that you want, Ann, what role would you have Lois play if any? Does she get to make it easier for him? Is there a way to reach compromise and have Clark get to where he needs to get, but not marginalize Lois's role?

What's more, would it make as satisfying a story for waff-mongers like me?

Enquiring minds want to know!

Best,
Sherry

Sherry, thanks for joining the discussion!

But please, don't ever think I want Lois's role to be marginalized. In fact, that's the last thing I want! Indeed, the stories where we don't get to see a lot of Lois are precisely the kind of stories that don't hold my interest very well. (Please forgive me, those of you FoLCs who write beautiful L&C stories with a very small L content in them.)

And I'm into WaFFy endings as much as anybody else around these boards! I want the happy endings where Lois and Clark get one another and live happily efter after, believe me. And just like you said, I want Clark to be redeemed thanks to Lois's love. The fact that I want to see this Lois-mediated redemption of Clark is pretty much why I'm a Lois and Clark fan at all, and why I keep reading these stories!

But here's the rub. Yes, I so much want to see Lois save Clark, redeem him. But if Clark's redemption means that he is going to have to change in some fundamental ways - and it does mean that, I think - then he will ultimately have to bring about that change himself. Of course I think it will be absolutely necessary for Lois to be there for him, to support him, encourage him, comfort him and love him, as he undertakes the monumental and daunting task of trying to become a better man. But it is going to be hard work, and nobody can make it happen but himself.

And what if Clark doesn't realize that he should change much at all? What if he is happy just soaking up Lois's love, while staying the same old Clark in the process?

Specifically, what if Clark decides he's quite happy being smug about his lies, feeling sorry for himself and blaming Lois? If this kind of self-satisfied and condescending Clark informs Lois that she may start loving him now, should we be happy if she complies? Is this a WaFFy ending?

Not to me, it isn't. And that's why I don't want Lois to meekly give in to Clark any moment he asks her for her love. Not if he doesn't ask her because he loves her for herself, but because he realises that her love for him can do himself a lot of good.

I said earlier that I want Clark to be redeemed by Lois, by her love. But I also want Lois to be redeemed by Clark's love. And there have been times where I haven't been so sure how much love he really has to give her.

Clark is, of course, a fundamentally good guy, so there are definite limits to how badly he could ever treat Lois. But during the years he lied to her, he developed a couple of bad habits, where he refused to trust Lois and held her responsible for things that went wrong in their relationship. Personally, I believe bad habits are extremely dangerous, if we let them fester for too long. Indeed, I think we lose our decent selves that way and start thinking the way our habits decree.

That's why I want Lois to challenge Clark, when he is being condescending and smug. That's why I want her to turn him down, when he asks her for her love without being willing to give her his unselfish love in return. I want her to shake him out of his complacency and force him to take a long, hard look at himself. Specifically, I want him to ask himself if he is ready to truly trust and respect Lois.

And because Clark is the fundamentally good guy that he is, I'm sure he will come to his senses. He will regret the way he has lied to Lois, and he will learn to respect her the way she deserves. Then he will come back to her and ask her for her love again, and this time she will so happily give it to him!

And then, let the WaFF begin!!!!

Ann

Another well-crafted reply, Ann. I'm not sure I'm up to responding coherently, but I'll give it a try.

You mentioned earlier in this thread that you are in love with (for want of a better term) the "whole nine yards" of Lois and Clark, not just the TV show. I understand and appreciate that. Ever since Superman debuted in 1938 in Action Comics, the triangle of Superman and Lois and Clark has fascinated many readers.

The biggest difference between the L&C show we're using as a springboard here and the rest of the Superman mythos (excluding the series "Smallville") is that everywhere else, the story line was primarily about Superman, and Clark was second banana to him in almost every way. Even Lois was protrayed and discussed in relation to Superman instead of in relation to Clark. "Clark Kent" was the cardboard cutout figure and Superman was the reality.

In this series, these roles were reversed. Superman is the disguise and Clark is the real person. This distinction wasn't made (or not made clearly) in the earlier comics or the Superman movies or the animated cartoons from the 40's or the George Reeves TV show, so what's happening is that we're all mixing our viewpoints in our stories and our comments.

And that's not a bad thing. Nowhere is it written in stone that this series and the fanfic springing from it are the only legit viewpoints. They certainly aren't. Your imagining of the resolution of the secret identity conflict isn't one I'd be likely to come up with, but it actually is pretty interesting in outline. Perhaps you should write it. I know I'd read it.

One huge change in this series is how the writers portrayed Superman as having doubts and insecurities and problems getting his uniforms clean. No one had done that before. We were shown a Superman who had personal problems and who didn't always make the right (or the best) choices, either in his personal life or his professional life.

This issue of lying to Lois is one of them. Yeah, I'd rather he had talked to Lois earlier, but by the episode when she figured it out and helped him save his parents, the habit of keeping the secret had been pretty well ingrained in his daily thought processes. Was he right to keep such a huge thing from her? I don't think so. Should he have told her earlier? Before asking him to marry him, absolutely, but even then he had doubts about whether or not she'd love him as Clark or Superman. And, believe it or not, men do struggle with these issues pretty regularly. We just don't verbalize it as much as women do. Although maybe we should. Might reduce some of the stress of daily living.

Thanks for your opinion, Ann. You've presented your viewpoint very clearly and reasonably, and you've made me think and reconsider some things. I'm still not sure Clark was totally wrong in "lying" to Lois for two years, but I certainly see your viewpoint. And I freely admit that much of what you say makes a lot of sense.

Keep the comments coming. And think about writing that story. I bet you'd do a fabulous job on it.

This discussion is awing... it's giving me such perspective and food for thought! Like Pam, it's making me think about things I hadn't thought about, or at least think about things in a new light. Ann, Terry, et al... thank you I love reading these issues you present and seeing what people have to say after you've laid everything out so nicely!

And more on-topic of this story... Dave, Wendy... this was unsurprisingly wonderful! Your styles meshed so well together and the story was just sweet, full of holiday spirit and WAFF and I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!

I love the descriptions and how they are heightened by the flow, which is so unique:
It's like a dance, the way these words move together, the way the scene unfolds... and it's an honest joy to read.

This was such an incredibly powerful moment in the revelation scene! She's saying this to Superman, who she's just learned is the best friend she thought gone forever, and it's so chilling, a line that definitely made my breath catch (I had to read it a few times because I realllllly loved the wording, the meaning, all of it)

And LOVE the WAFFS after all that angst:

I can imagine YAY!!!!

Great story!!! I love TOGoM stories and this one was definitely different in many ways, so that was incredibly enjoyable for me!

~NICOLE