While searching through old files trying to find a bibliography, I stumbled on a short bit I wrote some time ago. It's no big deal, but I thought I'd post anyway to get it off my drive. This was written after thinking about the episode “Lethal Weapon”. I wondered what would have happened when the mystery was solved, when Clark’s powers were back. Clark isn’t the kind of person to just forget that he hurt Lois.
How would he deal with it?
*****
It's late at night. Our street is empty. The house is dark. And the sound of her gentle breathing fills our room.
As I sit here in a chair near the window, with the moonlight trickling over me, I feel numb inside.
Today one of my worst nightmares came true: I hurt her. Since I have known her, she has been in danger many times, and sometimes ended up hurt. But always, I’ve been the one to save her.
I love her more than I have ever loved anyone yet in this moment, I am her worst enemy.
Some might say that I shouldn’t find it so upsetting, because, after all, I didn’t do it intentionally. That doesn’t make me feel one bit better.
I know now what lurked under her jacket all day. And it will still be there tomorrow, the marks of my fingerprints lingering on her pale skin, mocking me.
My hands stopped tons of rock hurtling through space.
My hands snatched bullets out of the air.
My hands crushed her blood vessels, making those mottled, blue splotches.
Ignorance of my weakness caused those bruises.
In spite of it all, she still trusts me implicitly. Her eyes shone with earnestness as she told me that it didn’t matter.
But it did. It does.
Because I don’t know if I can ever trust myself again.
So I will sit here until the dawn, tracing the outline of her face with my eyes, longing to touch her. To feel the warmth of her arms around me. The touch of her lips against mine.
But I won’t go to her. Instead I will fly out the window, past the confines of our street, embracing the clouds.
And somewhere above humanity, with the wind rushing in my ears and the solitude of the sky, maybe I’ll be able to forgive myself.
But I will never let myself forget.
