chapter 16b
previously....
“I haven't forgotten, Matt!” Lois hissed, laying her mug carefully on a side table when her instinct was to throw it across the room. Yet, such an outburst wouldn't really help the situation, though it might make her feel better. She hadn't mellowed that much, but this wasn't her house and this wasn't her crockery.... “Believe me, I know exactly where you're coming from, but the fact remains that they are probably the only people who can give Dad back to us. He's the important one here, Matt, no matter that I'd like to see these doctors brought to justice and locked away forever.”
“Aye, laddie, and dinn'ae forget that yer Da does seem to believe in them, so maybe ye should give them a chance,” Mac proposed.
“And it's not like I'm just abandoning your dad to these people, Matt,” Lois said, forcing herself to remain calm. “Whatever they do, they'll work under the supervision of Bernie at Star Labs. Believe me, I don't plan on leaving them alone with him for one second and I'm counting on you to keep an eye on them. We'll take Dad back home with us and if the doctors are telling the truth and they want to help, they can follow us to Metropolis.”
There was the sound of a sudden movement behind them as Letour pushed himself out of his chair and walked slowly towards the group by the fire.
*****
cont'd...
“Metropolis?” he asked. He'd wakened a little earlier, yet hadn't felt strong enough or motivated enough to move. The quiet hum of an intense conversation had penetrated his brain and he'd instinctively tuned in on the words. They were planning his future... without his permission. Indignation gave him strength. “Excuse me, but don't you think I should have some say in your plans?”
“Clark!” Lois cried out, jumping up in surprise and hurrying to his side. “Are you OK?”
“Clark?” he echoed the name. Who was Clark? Who was this woman?
Lois could have kicked herself. She must be more tired than she'd thought; losing control and calling him Clark, which was too much too soon. He had no idea he was Clark! Yet there was no way to take it back... and she wasn't sure she wanted to, though a wave of disappointment struck at her core as she took in the puzzled expression on his face. Obviously the brainwashing was at work and Clark had lost all memory of her again. She felt like sobbing, but she wasn't about to give in to despondency. She'd fight with all that she had and for as long as it took to give Clark back his life.
However, Lois' assumption about Clark wasn't totally true. As he stared into her anxious face, their earlier conversation trickled in disjointed images into Clark's mind. Words echoed in his ears. Someone had told him to heed his dreams.... Someone had mentioned... family.
“I think I'm OK... a little confused, though. You're Lois, aren't you?” He smiled as his question banished the shadows from her eyes, and for a moment he couldn't look away from her. Then his glance took in the rest of the room; facts falling into place in his mind. “And Jor-El is Matt... and I'm....”
“Clark Kent,” Lois quickly interposed, not wanting to touch on the subject of superheros for the present. Somehow she thought that the realization he'd once been Superman might be too much for Clark to accept. “Do you remember that we spoke before?”
“Yes.”
Lois could almost see Clark's thought processes ticking away behind his eyes and she waited with worried anticipation for the pain to kick in, but instead, his gaze remained clear, fixed on her face. “You're not in any pain, are you?” she asked in trepidation.
A few seconds passed as he closed his eyes, checking out his state of health. “I have a headache... but it's not too bad,” he added, hoping to banish the little lines that were drawn between her eyebrows. Then, once again he looked around as if he were searching for something else... someone else. “Isn't Dr Ducos here, though? I was sure she'd come, and Dr Janik too. I always wanted to thank them for what they did for me.”
A surge of anger shook Lois. Thanking the doctors wasn't high on her agenda, but she had to remember that Clark didn't see things in the same light. She swallowed her ire and concentrated on reassuring Clark. “They are here, but they've been helping treat the survivors for most of the night and day, so they're resting. You can talk to them later.” She linked her arm through his, and led him to the fireplace, coaxing him down into the chair she'd vacated, and perching on its large arm. “Do you think you feel up to having that chat we spoke about earlier?”
Sitting by this fire was very familiar to Clark, only his life had changed irrevocably and he wasn't yet comfortable in his new guise... or was it his old one? It all felt very surreal. He understood that this woman and this boy were related to his past, but he just couldn't figure out the details.
“I think that might be a good idea.” Clark said, balancing tense and upright on the edge of the seat and regarding Lois anxiously. “I still can't remember much, but from what I've managed to work out, the dreams I've been having aren't random, they're really memories?”
“That's right,” Lois replied encouragingly. “I'm afraid I don't understand everything myself, but I'd like to help you work things through. Do you remember your dreams?”
“Only parts,” he answered, his shoulders drooping dejectedly. “Though I think you're in a lot of them... and sometimes a boy and a girl... or maybe girls.” His stare switched to the boy in the super suit. “But the kids seem a lot younger than you'd be... Matt?” He tested out the name and felt a sense of accomplishment as the teenager responded with a nod and a grin.
“That's because it's been a while since you've seen us, Dad,” Matt said, forgetting his chagrin over the doctors in euphoria at being reunited with his father. “It's great to have you back to normal, Dad.”
“How long?” Clark whispered. Matt's youthful presumption that he was back to normal was a little optimistic. Clark felt like he was literally swimming through the sea of mud that had inundated the village below.
“Four years, sweetheart.” Lois' compassionate voice sounded close to his ear and her hand lay gently on his arm.
“Four years?” Clark sprang out of his chair, almost unseating Lois, but he didn't notice. The number four resounded in his brain, sending him reeling across the room. How could he have lost so much of his life? Were they telling him lies?
“Clark?” Lois regained her balance and stood, almost afraid to move. Her reunion with Clark seemed to have been going as well as could be expected, but now she wasn't so sure. Oh, god, she was even wishing Dr Ducos was present. Then Clark was turning towards her and she held her breath.
“Four? How is that possible? I can remember being Letour....” Clark's eyes glazed over as his attention seemed to turn inwards, and his voice could barely be heard above the crackle of logs burning in the fire. “They told me I was Letour and they sent me across the river into China. They told me not to look back. I spent a couple of years running away, though I never really knew exactly what I was running from.... Then, Mac found me and brought me here.” A final tremor shook him, then he had himself under control. “Would someone like to fill in the missing parts?”
Lois would have liked nothing better than to agree to his wish, yet she was afraid of triggering another attack. Ducos had mentioned that Clark himself might have begun the process of reversing his 'conditioning', but how could she be sure, and she couldn't risk inflicting such suffering on him again.
“Clark, perhaps that's not such a good idea right now.” She took a few steps towards him.
“On the contrary, Lois, I think, since you're talking about transporting me back to Metropolis, that it's essential.” Even Clark winced at the lack of emotion in his voice and he wasn't surprised at the hurt look on Lois' face.
She felt like she'd been slapped, and tears sprang to her eyes. This wasn't how she'd dreamed their meeting would be, yet she wasn't about to fall at the first hurdle, nor was she about to let him off with his cavalier statement. “You could be right, but I was only considering your health, Clark. It might have slipped your mind, but you've been brainwashed into experiencing great pain when you're confronted with your past.”
Now it was Clark's turn to feel rebuked, and he had to admit that Lois had every right. “Lois, I'm sorry. I have no idea why I spoke that way. It's just very hard to come to terms with the fact that I've lost a year of my life and spent the last three leading a totally different existence... and yes, I do remember the headaches. In fact, I'm trying very hard not to give into one right now!” He suddenly realized that was true; the pain was hovering on the edges of his consciousness, waiting to strike. “But before you start to feel guilty, that's not your fault,” he added, sincerely, sensing Lois' turmoil. “You can't always treat me with kid gloves, especially when I act like a spoiled kid. I am sorry for being so crass, but I'd really appreciate some input on what happens to me?” Clark ventured a tiny lopsided smile. “Maybe we could start again?”
Lois nodded. Perhaps reversing brainwashing was like removing a bandage; it was best done in one quick yank. “Will you sit down?” she asked tentatively.
Clearly, Lois was still very unsure, and Clark couldn't help but feel like the biggest heel on Earth. Causing this woman hurt was the last thing he wanted. He smiled and sent her a soulful look. Another stab of remorse shook him as tears filled her eyes. “Lois, please don't cry. I'll sit down, and I'll listen.” Matching his actions to his words, he slipped past her and this time took the arm of the chair, patting the cushions to invite her to sit. “Maybe you could tell me what you know about me?”
“Clark, no. You're hardly recovered. You won't be comfortable there.”
“Lois, please. I'm fine, and you look worn out. Sit with me, please?”
Lois hesitated for a second, then she took her position by his side, yet her thoughts were spinning. Just how much of their past should she reveal? However, for the moment, she was saved from her dilemma by Mac who spoke up.
“Ye, know, it's nae exactly surprising that ye dinn'ae remember much about whit happened tae ye in that bunker. They say the mind blanks out trauma. If I were ye, I'd nae be sae keen tae remember whit these lunatics did tae me.”
Mac certainly had a point, yet the ghostly memories revived unbidden in Clark's brain and he struggled to hold on to his composure. “But I do remember, sort of... hazy images. I can remember being watched, and a man in uniform with dark eyes filled with hate and thin lips calling me... Specimen.” His voice choked and he was grateful to feel Lois' small hand squeeze his arm.
“I don't think we should dwell on that part for now,” she soothed, letting her hand linger on his arm. “And those doctors are the only ones who know the details anyway. I think we're all pretty much aware of the consequences... and that's enough.”
“You're probably right, Lois. Maybe when I'm feeling stronger I can confront the demons, but I'd prefer to hear about happier times first.” He turned his head to look at her. “Please, tell me?”
Whether Lois was confident this was the correct procedure or not, Clark was waiting and she hadn't the heart to ignore his appeal. “OK, but before I do, I want you to know that if I do cry, it's not always because of something you've said or done, but because you remind me of the past... and I've missed you so much.”
“Am I your husband, Lois?”
His eyebrows rose in that oh so familiar way, bringing soft tears to Lois' eyes. “You guessed?” she murmured, yet hoped against hope that he'd had a flashback.
“It wasn't exactly difficult. You called me sweetheart.”
So, he'd had no flash of recollection. Disappointment washed over Lois, but when he smiled tenderly at her, her heart beat quickened.
“And Matt calls me Dad and you Mom, so I figured we had to be....” His eyebrows creased, as if he'd been hit by a sudden thought. “Unless we just....”
“No! Oh, no.” Lois hurried to reassure him, extending her left hand to show off her wedding ring. An unbidden, unpleasant question about where Clark's wedding ring had gone, invaded her mind, but she crushed it instantly. That ring had such emotional attachments... but it was only a piece of metal, after all, and it could be... would be replaced. “We've been married for seventeen years.”
“Wow!” Clark seemed most impressed. “And we have other children?”
“Two girls, younger than Matt.” Lois was watching his face intently for any signs of distress, so she noticed instantly when his eyes darkened. She felt the muscles of his arm grow tense beneath her fingers.
“How could I forget them?” In his jaw, the tic beat nervously and his voice was so low, she had to strain to hear his words.
“Clark, you didn't forget,” she stated with conviction. “Someone stole your memories, but perhaps telling you about your past isn't a good idea. I'm no psychiatrist, but maybe it's best if you remember naturally... by yourself....” Once again the look of devastation on his face brought her to the brink of tears.
“No! Lois, please don't stop!” He laid his hand on hers, holding on as if she were his only lifeline. “You don't understand how frustrating and frightening it is to not know. It's like I'm standing on the edge of a precipice, too scared to move in any direction because one false step could send me toppling into the abyss.”
Turning her hand over, she linked her fingers with his. “Actually, I know exactly how that feels. I had amnesia once... and you were there for me.”
Clark relaxed a little. “You did... and I was?”
“Yes, you were very supportive, even though I didn't always appreciate your help. Oh, and by the way,” Lois confided, leaning closer, “this is the second time you've had amnesia, though the last time was caused by a... sort of accident, and it only lasted a day or too before your memory returned. You told me I inspired you to remember.”
“Then that just confirms you should tell me everything. Please, Lois. I'm tired of living in limbo.”
Lois nodded slowly, finally agreeing, then she began her tale, choosing her words carefully. “You were raised in Kansas by a couple called Martha and Jonathan Kent.”
“My parents?”
Lois nodded again and smiled.
“Are they still alive?” he asked with some hesitation.
“Oh, yes, and they know we've found you and are waiting for you to come home.”
“Home? You mean Kansas?”
“No, our home is in Metropolis and your parents live there now too. They moved when... when you disappeared. They wanted to help me raise the children.”
“I'm glad you weren't alone, Lois.” Clark was still staring into Lois' face, bemused by the animation that appeared to light her from within. “That you and the kids had people to care for you. Do we have any more family... and friends?”
“My parents, Ellen and Sam Lane, and my sister, Lucy. We're not so close to them as we are with your parents, but we're... close. And you have lots of friends. Jimmy and Perry are our best friends, really like our extended family. Oh, and Perry is also your boss.”
Clark's eyes glinted with anticipation and a slightly muted excitement. “I have a job?”
“Of course! You're an investigative journalist for the Daily Planet. We both are. We were partners.... But now I've moved on to an editorial post.” Even now Lois couldn't stop a small tinge of discontentment creeping into her voice at the mention of her career change. “It made it easier to look after the kids.”
“You miss chasing down stories,” Clark reiterated with a surge of intuition. “Were we any good?”
“The best! They called us Hottest Team in Town... and we won many awards.”
“Disn'ae surprise me ane wee bit,” Mac declared, happily. He'd been enthralled by the story of Letour's past, even though he was aware Lois was only giving the abridged version. “And that explains why ye were always diggin' round at the logger's camp. Ye were searching fer proof that they were up tae nae guid. Ye might hae lost yer memory, but ye haven'ae lost yer instincts.”
Everyone laughed and nodded in acknowledgment, then an awkward silence fell on the room until Clark's next question emphasized the truth of Mac's words.
“Why was I in Korea, Lois? It's a long way from Metropolis to follow a story and I'm pretty certain General Hyesan didn't abduct me from the US.”
“No.” Lois felt a sense of panic tighten her throat, but she resolutely pushed it away. “You went to North Korea to cover the earthquake. It was a really unexpected phenomenon, an earthquake in that part of the world... and one on such a huge scale. It took the world's scientific community by surprise.” She found herself babbling.
“Doesn't the Planet have a correspondent in Asia who could have covered the quake?” Clark probed.
“The North Koreans wouldn't let the media in.” Lois was approaching the hub of the problem... the reason why Clark was Hyesan's target, but she believed he was much too fragile to learn about his second identity. Taking a deep breath, she decided it was easier to go with Perry's explanation. “So when Superman offered to take you with him, you jumped at the chance.”
“I suppose that's the publicized account, Lois.” He dropped her hand and appeared to distance himself. “But I thought I deserved the truth.”
“The truth?” Lois' thoughts whirled like a carousel and the others in the room seemed to fade into the background. Clark held her complete concentration.
“Lois, I've lost my memory, not my wits. You didn't say I was born in Kansas... you said I was raised there by Martha and Jonathan.... Was I adopted? And before you go thinking up crazy excuses, I'm not blind either.” Clark's hand waved toward Matt, who squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. “Yesterday I met a superhero, Jor-El, who's admitted to the world that he's related to Superman. Later, in Mac's bathroom, he pulled off his mask and told me his name is Matt and that he's my son. Now, either I raised another man's child, which means you've been unfaithful to me, and somehow I doubt that, or Clark Kent and Superman are the same person, just as Matt Kent is Jor-El!”
“I could have been adopted,” Matt suggested helpfully. He didn't understand why his mom wasn't telling his dad all the facts, but he was willing to play along.
“Matt!” Clark frowned warningly at his son. “You could have been, but, somehow, I doubt that too.”
No, half-truths were no longer an option; Lois recognized this fact. She rose with a grace she was far from feeling and faced Clark. “Yes, you're Superman. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deceive you. I was only trying to protect you. You've been so sick....”
“I understand.” Leaning forward, Clark took hold of Lois' trembling hands, clasping them lightly. However, his voice when he spoke sounded a little flat. “I do understand, but it's a lot to take in... though think I might survive.”
“I guess the band aid theory is correct,” Lois said with a tiny laugh.
Clark never blinked at Lois' bizarre statement. “I guess.”
“How do you feel?” Lois asked very quietly.
“Like I've been hit by a truck! One thing is for sure, I'm not exactly super.”
“There's a reason for that, Clark.” She stood before him, clinging to his hands for dear life. Suddenly, she felt very afraid, though she couldn't pinpoint why. “You have a doctor in Metropolis who might be able to help you... and Ducos and Janik seem to think they have a cure for your... illness.”
“Metropolis?” Now fear stalked Clark. He'd read about the biggest city in the world and felt small and insignificant... and now he knew there were people waiting there who loved him... people who would be understandably full of expectations. “Lois, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Maybe I should stay here for a bit, while I try to come to terms with all this information....”
“But it's your home, Clark, and you should come to terms with it at home.” Lois jumped in trying desperately to keep her voice steady, but a gaping hole was opening at her feet.
“Is it, Lois? It's not that I don't believe you....”
“Your home is with me and the children.” Lois lifted their clasped hands to her chest. “Can't you feel our connection?” Her breathing grew shallow as she waited for him to answer.
Seconds ticked by in silence while Clark stared deeply into his dream woman's eyes, willing her to understand his disorientation. “I feel it, Lois, but I don't know it. I'm not the same man you married... and I'm afraid I never will be.”
“Then you don't want me anymore?” Lois' skin had turned deathly pale. She'd never contemplated rejection... never from Clark. The trauma of the long day and night finally got to Lois and she reacted as she had so long ago... before he had shown her how to love, and taught her the meaning of faith. Lois dragged her hands from his and taking to her heels, she ran out into the chilly night.
Matt, jumped up, inadvertently, sending his chair flying backwards. “How could you do that, Dad?” he demanded, disbelief and disparagement in equal measures saturating his voice. “Hurt her like that? Mom was on such a high, knowing we'd found you! And the rest of us... we're your family. We've been missing you and thinking you were dead for four years!”
“No, Matt, I didn't mean I didn't want....” Clark took a few steps towards his angry looking son. But he spoke to an empty space as Matt flew off to find his mother and offer her comfort.
The door slammed closed, almost drowning out Mac's snort of disapproval.
“Laddie, that wis hardly the wisest thing I've ever heard ye say.”
Turning his bewildered stare on his friends, Clark threw his arms wide and tried to explain. “But I never meant that I didn't want her. More the other way round, actually.” He finished on a sorrowful note.
Marje stood and closed the small space between herself and... Clark. She didn't wonder that the poor man felt so confused, she was having a hard time remembering to call him by his correct name. “Clark, I know you have to be feeling overwhelmed, but staying here really isn't a good idea.” Marje slipped her arm through his and spoke to him as she would to a younger brother. After all, that was how she'd come to think of him. “Finding out about your life this way has to be scary, but you owe it to yourself and the people who love you to go home. I'm sure it's the only way you'll ever get your memory back.”
“But what if I never do, Marje?”
Clark's voice sounded small and crushed and Marje's kind heart ached for him. For the first time ever, she dared to wrap her arms around him and hold him close. “Then you'll make a new start... with your family.”
“Laddie,” Mac had risen from his chair and joined them. Resting his hand lightly on Clark's shoulder, he gave his friend a gentle shake. “There's nae doubt ye've been through mair than any human being deserves....”
That brought Clark's head up. “But that's the problem, I'm not human. If I had been, none of this nightmare would have happened!”
“Dinn'ae haiver! Ye might no hae been born on Earth, Clark, but in my book, ye're a lot mair human than the gouls wha harmed ye! And dinn'ae ye forget that.”
Marje leaned back, her resolute gaze locking with his troubled one, daring him not to heed her words. “You've more human kindness in your little finger than most people have in their whole bodies, so don't go obsessing about being from Krypton. Mac and I are from Scotland, and you don't hold that against us,” she teased, hoping to lift his spirits a little, and was pleased to see a glimmer of a smile flash across his face. “Even after four years of absence, Lois didn't hesitate to come all this way to find you and take you home. Now it's up to you. Clark, there are some things in life worth fighting for... some people too.... and I'd say that Lois and your children are definitely worth taking a risk for. Otherwise you'll only live half a life... and you admitted you were tired of living in limbo.”
“Gang hame, lad. That's whaur ye need tae be.” Mac's brogue grew even more pronounced as emotions surged through him. “Marje and I will miss ye, but this wis never yer place. And dinn'ae be worrying about not remembering. Ye're already halfway tae falling in love wi' that bonnie lassie a' ower again. I've been watching the way ye look at her.”
As Clark recognized the truth of Mac's words, hope flickered in his eyes and his backbone straightened. There was no doubting that Lois had a profound effect on his senses; probably she always had.
“Mac's right,” Marje said feelingly, holding back her tears at the thought of him leaving. “Life is hardly ever easy or fair, and you've had it harder than most, but you didn't let the villains beat you, Clark. You might not have super powers now, but you're definitely not faint hearted. You've spent these last few years helping strangers and fighting for their rights. Now it's time to fight for yourself. Don't let Hyesan win. Claim back what he took from you... it's the only way you'll ever find contentment.”
“You think?” Clark asked, but he already knew the answer. Mac's and Marje's pep talk had lifted a huge weight from his shoulders.
“Ye hae tae ask, lad? Haven'ae ye realized by now that Marje is always right!” Mac was grinning from ear to ear and he patted Clark's back enthusiastically. “Get oot there and apologize tae Lois for acting like a big galoot. And if ye're lucky, she might even forgive ye in the next year or twa!”
*****
tbc
