From last time:
Months before the destruction of Krypton, before Kal El’s birth, he’d found his dear friend in his office, late one night, his posture and expression radiating sheer despondency. He was a disheveled mess, dark circles rimmed his eyes. Tao Scion recalled his concern when his friend failed to notice his presence. He’d had to call his name several times before the other man even looked up from his desk.
Tao Scion had placed a hand on Jor El’s shoulder, and had seen a look of desperation on his friend’s face that he had not seen since his daughter’s death. “Are you all right?” Tao Scion had asked quietly.
“I’m fine,” Jor El replied somewhat irritably before turning away. His tone and mannerism had seemed odd. Like he wasn’t quite himself. Tao Scion had been taken aback by an unfamiliar odor.
“It smells like Lara’s laboratory in here,” he’d mused. “Have you been distilling an alcohol?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jor El had said, slurring his words.
“You’re inebriated,” Tao Scion had countered.
Jor El had scrubbed a hand through his hair. “So what if I am?”
“Come now, you should get to bed. You have to make a presentation to the Council in the morning.” Tao Scion had tried to help Jor El to his feet.
Jor El had stumbled as he rose, pushing Tao Scion away. “Damn the Council! Damn the fates! And damn this forsaken world!” Jor El had shoved a stack of papers off his desk, sending them scattering to the floor.
“Jor El, you need to rest,” Tao Scion had said gently.
“I cannot rest. I have work to do,” his friend had replied stubbornly.
“Drunk?”
Jor El had slumped back into his chair and stared up at the ceiling. “I won’t do it, my friend. I won’t let this wretched beast of a world devour another one of my children.” He had slammed his fist into the surface of his desk. “I defy you, fates. You cannot have my son!”
Tao Scion had seen the tears in his friend’s eyes. The tears of a desperate man, a man who had lost almost everything, who had clawed and scraped and fought his way back to life after the death of his beloved daughter, only to see the world literally crumble around him. Jor El had defied the fates, and he’d saved his son. And now Tao Scion was failing that son and betraying the legacy of his greatest friend.
********
New stuff:
Lois stared out at the bright red sun, slung low in the sky, as it dipped toward the orange horizon. The water glistened with the reflected sunlight, sparkling and dancing in the tides. The sky overhead was already growing a dark, deep purple and the first stars twinkled above, scattered across the expanse of space that stretched out to eternity. Her toes sunk into the wet sand. Warm water lapped at her feet as small waves broke on the beach. A gentle breeze stirred through the palms, rustling the folds of her sundress.
She looked around the crescent shape of the bay, completely unaware of where she was or how she’d gotten there. A figure approached her from the opposite side of the bay. A slow smile spread across her face as she recognized the long, easy gait of her husband. He walked, barefoot toward her, the hems of his khakis soaked by the sea water. His white, buttoned down shirt was untucked and rolled up at the sleeves. He had his hands buried in his pockets. The wind played with his hair, causing a dark lock to tumble over his forehead. He smiled brightly at her, one of those beautiful smiles that lit up his eyes.
He reached out a hand to her. She slipped her hand into his and tilted her head up as he bent down. Their lips met in a sweet, gentle kiss. Lois lingered a moment, her eyes closed, her face bare inches from his. She could drink in the wonderful smell of his skin and feel his warm breath. Their fingers intertwined, they walked along the beach.
“Where are we?” she asked. “I’ve never been here before.”
“I don’t know,” he replied nonchalantly. “It’s your dream.”
Her heart sank. It was a dream, wasn’t it? It had to be. “So you’re not really here, are you?” she asked, her voice wavering slightly.
“No,” he replied with a sad shake of his head.
“I miss you,” she whispered.
He stopped walking and pulled her into his arms. “I miss you, too.”
“You’re not even real, how can you miss me?” she murmured against his shoulder.
He tipped her chin up so she was looking him in the eye. “Well, the real me, the me that’s a million miles away on another planet, misses you like crazy. You know that,” he said with an almost teasing smile.
She buried her head against his shoulder once more. “I can’t do this without you,” she said softly. “I’m not cut out for all this hero stuff.”
He hugged her more tightly. “Yes, you are. I know it’s hard, and it’s not fair. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you to do my job, but there’s no one else I’d trust more with it.”
“It’s too big,” Lois whispered.
He ran a soothing hand up and down her back. “Not for you, sweetheart. You can do this.” Clark kissed her again.
She looked up at him, her heart aching. “You’re going, aren’t you?”
He nodded as he touched her cheek gently. “You’re going to wake up soon,” he explained softly.
“Stay with me until I do,” she said. “I want to remember this when I wake up.” He remained silent, but continued to hold her.
“I love you,” he whispered. “I will always love you. Nothing can change that.”
Slowly, the feeling of warm sand beneath her feet and strong arms around her faded away. She wasn’t on a beach any more; she was in bed, under heavy quilts, with the first rays of sunlight spilling into the room. She brushed away an errant tear and then another.
********
Lok Sim walked through the offices of the First Ministers’ staff. He turned a corner and found himself outside of Captain Enza’s office. He rapped softly on the door. A moment later, she opened the door.
“Ma’am, I was asked to give this to you,” he said as he handed her a slim digital tablet.
She smiled as she took the screen from him. She pressed her thumb against the display, and unlocked the tablet. She read the contents in silence, her slight smile faded into a frown. “I want you to come with me,” she said as she looked up.
Lok Sim was startled. “Wh…where, ma’am?” he stuttered.
“We are opening peace negotiations with the Belaar Valley,” she said. “We need a communications officer for the trip. Can you be ready to go in twelve hours?”
“Of course,” he replied, suddenly feeling a sense of excitement. He hadn’t even known that there were peace negotiations with the Belaar. Their existence must have been confidential. And he was now being asked to join the delegation on their trip. He tried to pretend that his anticipation had nothing to do with the opportunity to work with Captain Enza. He excused himself to pack and get ready.
********
Zara looked up from the briefing on the communications screen as he walked in. “Have you heard anything further from the Expeditionary Forces?”
Clark shook his head. Talan’s forces had encountered few rebels on their mission. The enemy had seemingly melted away, leaving New Krypton’s frustrated army scouring the desolate landscape. “They’re returning tonight.”
“If the negotiations with the Belaar are successful, we’ll have far more defensible borders,” Zara said, always looking for a reason to be optimistic.
Clark sat down at the table, drumming his knuckles on the surface. “When does Ching leave?”
“In a few hours,” she replied. “He has asked Captain Enza to go with him.”
“Good,” Clark replied. Another pair of trusted ears and eyes at the talks would be useful.
“Alon wishes to speak with us tonight, it seemed rather urgent.”
“That’s fine,” Clark said somewhat dismissively. The meetings all bled together, one indistinguishable from the next. They fell into a long silence, both seemingly engrossed in their work.
“Clark?” Zara ventured somewhat hesitantly after a long moment. He looked up but said nothing. Her eyes met his briefly before she looked away. She fidgeted, folding her hands, before continuing awkwardly. “I know that I may not be able to fully understand what happened to you, but if you want to talk about it, I am always here.”
“Thanks,” he mumbled.
********
Lois lifted Jon out of his car seat and closed the station wagon door. “Come on, little guy,” she said as she smiled at him. “One more stop before we go home.” She carried her son into Maisie’s place. The bells jingled as Lois pushed the door open. The regulars looked up from their cups of coffee and sandwiches or slices of pie.
“Hi Lois!” Maisie called out. “What can I do for you?”
“I just need to pick up a half gallon of your pralines and cream ice cream,” Lois replied.
“Well look at this little guy!” Anne, the elementary school’s third grade teacher, declared. “He’s getting so big.”
“He sure is,” Roger, the town vet, said, looking up from his paper. “He’s gonna be a strong safety on the Smallville High football team, just like his old man.” Suddenly turning bashful, Jon buried his head against his mother’s shoulder.
“Say, when did you get back?” Gus asked Lois.
“Just a few days ago,” she replied.
“I don’t know how you could stand to be away from this little angel for so long,” Anne said, shaking her head somewhat dramatically.
“It was pretty tough for both of us,” Lois admitted.
“You’re not planning to go back, are you?” Anne asked, her tone suggesting disapproval.
“If I have to, yes,” Lois replied, trying not to bristle. The criticism of her dedication to the story had begun to raise her hackles. Both as Ultrawoman and as Lois Lane, she found herself surrounded by the disapproving – those who knew better than to think she could succeed.
“We all know your work is important to you, Lois, but Jon needs you, too,” Maisie said as she put the container of ice cream in a brown paper bag and rung it up.
“And why focus on a problem so far away, we’ve got problems here that need solving? We can’t take care of the whole world,” Gus added.
Lois exhaled slowly. She’d heard the same questions and criticism so many times before and it always made her feel so despondent, so tired, like nothing she was doing was even registering. Like none of it mattered. “It’s hard to understand, unless you’ve been there. Unless you’ve seen the things I’ve seen. But this isn’t a hopeless situation. These people need our help and there’s a lot of good we can do.”
“I just don’t see how we can solve their problems if their own leaders won’t,” Roger replied, shaking his head.
“I’ve met the president of Kinwara,” Lois explained. “He’s a good man and he’s doing everything he can, but it’s difficult to save your country when you’re being attacked by much more powerful enemies.”
“I’m still not sure it’s our problem to solve,” Roger challenged. “We can’t be the world’s police.”
“You’re right,” Lois responded. “And we’re not being asked to. There are a lot of other ways we can help. You’d be surprised to see how little it takes to save a life there.”
“Tell you what,” Roger said. “You keep writing about it, I’ll keep reading about it and maybe you’ll change my mind.”
“That’s all I can hope for,” Lois replied. “We should get going before the ice cream melts, right Jon?”
“It was good seeing you again, Lois,” Maisie said. “You bring him back here often, okay?”
“I will,” Lois promised. She looked down at Jon, who was still hiding. “Can you say ‘bye’ to everyone?”
After a long moment, he looked up and waved his little hand. “Bye bye,” he said quietly before turning back toward his mother. Lois said her goodbyes as everyone gushed over how cute her son was. Once she was back in the car, she took a deep breath. Sometimes she wondered if they were right. If she couldn’t even change the minds of the people she saw all the time, the people who lived in her town, how could she change the world’s opinion? Was it worth all the time she was spending away from her son? But she thought about the people who depended on the supplies she delivered, and the ones whose lives she’d saved. No matter how trying her situation may have been, theirs were infinitely worse and they depended on her. Even if she couldn’t change the world, she still had to try.
********
“Do we have everything?” Enza asked, trying to make her tone light. Thia looked up at her and nodded silently. “Good. Now, I will be gone for a few days, and you are going to stay with Davi and her parents while I am away, all right?”
Thia nodded again. “When are you coming back?”
“In just a few days,” Enza repeated, kneeling in front of her niece.
“Promise?” the little girl whispered, her eyes wide.
“Of course I promise,” Enza replied solemnly. “I would never lie to you.” She opened her arms wide and welcomed her niece into her embrace. “Be a good girl, all right?” she whispered as she hugged Thia tightly.
The little girl wrapped her arms around Enza’s neck and held on, as if for dear life. “All right,” she replied quietly.
Reluctantly, Enza stood up and took her young niece’s hand. She hated leaving Thia behind, even if only for a few days, but she was powerless to avoid it. The best thing she could do for Thia was to play whatever role she could in ending this war as soon as possible. As the only family Thia had left, Enza had been thrust into the role of guardian when her brother and his wife had been killed. It was a role she rarely felt prepared for, but she had no choice. She was all Thia had.
She dropped Thia off, feeling the familiar twist of pain in her chest as they said their goodbyes. It never became any easier, and the young child’s valiant attempts to be brave only seemed to make it more difficult for Enza to leave. Reluctantly, she continued on to the docking bays, where the transport ship was waiting to take her and Commander Ching and the rest of the delegation to the Belaar Valley. As she approached the bay, she saw Sergeant Lok Sim, the communications officer. He gave her a half smile and she wordlessly allowed him to take her bag. They boarded the ship. Enza tried to focus her mind on the task ahead, instead of on the little girl who was already waiting for her to return.
********
“Coming!” Jimmy yelled from within the apartment. She heard the thud of footsteps as he ran to the door. “Hey Lois!” he said as he opened the door. “What’s up?” He stepped aside, as she entered the apartment.
“Hey Jimmy,” she replied. “I was just flying back from Parumbara, I thought I’d stop in and see how you’re doing.”
“How was it?” Jimmy asked quietly.
She shrugged. “Not great.”
“I still can’t get the pictures out of my head,” Jimmy replied. He started for his small kitchen. She followed a step behind.
“Yeah, but because of you, millions of other people saw those pictures, too. It was great work.”
Jimmy pulled a couple of cream sodas from the fridge and tossed her one. “How do you keep doing it?”
“It’s what I have to do,” she said simply. She tapped the top of the can somewhat absent-mindedly with one finger before pulling up the flip tab.
Jimmy put his can of soda down on the counter unopened. He gripped the countertop so tightly with both hands his knuckles turned white. “I can’t sleep,” he confessed, his voice a low murmur. “I keep having the same nightmare over and over again.”
“So do I.”
He looked up, his eyes searching hers for some explanation or maybe just recognition that she understood exactly what he was going through. “I never thought about the kinds of things you and Clark have to see. I guess I never got past how cool it must have been to have your powers. But you see this stuff like every day, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” she admitted. “Some days it’s not as bad as others. And some days it feels like I’m really doing something right. But others, I’m not sure if I want to cry or throw up. I’m sorry, I should have never taken you with me.” She looked at her young friend, realizing that no matter how unintentional, she’d robbed him of his innocence. The scales had fallen from his eyes.
“No!” he said emphatically. “It’s good that you did. I think I needed the wakeup call.”
“Nobody needs to see the middle of a war zone, Jimmy.”
“We were just going to interview the president; you couldn’t have known what was going to happen.”
“But I should have guessed.”
“What I saw really freaked me out,” he said in a low, hoarse whisper. “But it’s not like I’m angry that I saw it. I’m angry that it happened.” His voice found new resolve, the final words delivered with greater force than she’d expected.
“I am, too,” she agreed. She reached across the counter to place a gentle hand on his.
“Does it get any easier?” he asked.
She looked at him for a long moment, a faint glimmer of hope in his eye. He was counting on her and she knew that he’d believe whatever she told him at that moment. “I don’t know.”
********
Clark stood up as Talan entered the reception room. She bowed slightly. “Good evening, sir,” she said. The commander straightened to her full, impressive height, her face expressionless. Her uniform was perfectly pressed, her blonde hair pulled neatly back, as always. Her fastidious appearance made it hard to believe that less than an hour ago, she’d stepped off a transport after two weeks of patrolling the planet’s most desolate mountain ranges.
“Thank you for coming,” Clark replied. The ache in his knee convinced him he’d been standing long enough. He waved at the chairs, inviting Talan to sit. She sat down in a chair across from his, her posture still ramrod straight.
“What can I do for you, sir?”
“I asked you to come because, well…” Clark scrubbed a hand through his hair and stared at the floor, fumbling for words. He had been avoiding talking to anyone about anything on his mind for so long, he didn’t know where to start. He stared downward, the words still refusing to come. He drew in a deep breath, still stubbornly not making eye contact. “Ever since I’ve been back, I’ve been feeling different. Not myself. It’s like I’m watching someone else’s life. Nothing seems real. And I’ve been having the same nightmare over and over again.”
“What you went through, sir, it would haunt anyone,” she said softly.
“What about you?” he asked. “The things you’ve seen, and been through… How do you manage?” He leaned forward and looked up at her.
“It has not been easy, sir,” she replied, folding her hands in her lap. “It’s very hard to hate what you’ve done without hating who you are.”
He chewed his lip, slightly taken aback by her words. He had never thought Talan, who was always so dispassionate, had her own demons to fight. “How do you do it?” he asked again.
Talan closed her eyes for a moment, as though she was gathering her thoughts. “It took a long time for me to learn the proper meditation techniques, to separate my thoughts from my feelings, to learn how to block out emotions I was not capable of entertaining.”
“I want to learn how,” Clark replied.
“I am not certain I can teach you, sir,” Talan said, her normally steady voice wavering.
“I know you’re a master of meditation, if anyone can help me, you can.”
“I can’t,” she said abruptly, standing up. Talan turned on her heel and started to leave, violating all the rules of decorum and propriety.
Clark stood up. “Please,” he said.
“I cannot do it, sir,” Talan repeated emphatically as she turned around. A few strands of blonde hair spilled forward over her face. “You don’t want to follow down the path I’m on.”
“You know I’m no good at giving orders.” He smiled weakly.
“I won’t do that to you.” A flash of fire crossed her usually cold, gray eyes and then her expression unexpectedly softened. “Do you know what the greatest quality of a human being is? It’s the capacity to suffer, sir. Without it, we have no empathy, no compassion. We stop understanding others and their pain. And we lose our motivation to combat that suffering.”
“All I think about is my own pain, my fears, my nightmares. I’m no good to anyone like this. I can’t help anyone like this.”
“And I cannot show you how to conquer the pain. My only gift is the ability to outrun it. And the price is that I have to keep running from it. Constantly. I will not help you become what I’ve become. I’m sorry, sir.” Her head bowed, she backed away.
********
Lois leaned back on the couch in the den with Jon in her lap, the cordless phone cradled between her ear and her shoulder. “Wanna say hi to Uncle Perry?” she asked as she held the phone up to Jon’s ear. He grabbed on to the end of the phone with both hands. She could hear Perry speaking in baby talk to Jon and she couldn’t help but grin. “Okay, Mommy’s turn,” she said as she gently reclaimed the phone and dropped a kiss on top of Jon’s head.
“Hey Lois,” Perry said cheerfully. “I have good news. The suits and the lawyers are crying uncle. They’re gonna cave on pretty much every point.”
“That’s great,” she replied.
“And you’ll be making a heck of a lot more money.”
“Which is never a bad thing,” she agreed.
“You don’t seem too excited about this,” Perry said.
“I’m sorry,” she responded with a slight sigh. “My mind’s a million miles away.”
“In Kinwara?” he ventured.
“Yeah,” she confirmed, knowing there was no point in trying to deny it. “When I’m there, all I think about is Jon, and how much I wish I were here. When I’m here, all I think about is the fact that I’m not there.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty about spending time with your son, Darlin’. He needs you, too.”
“I know, Chief,” she replied.
“I’m serious. Jon is going to grow up so fast, and you’re going to regret it if you don’t spend this time with him.”
Lois knew that he was right, unfortunately it didn’t matter how much sense it made, she still couldn’t help feeling the guilt, no matter what she did. The incessant feeling that she wasn’t succeeding, either as a parent, or as a hero, plagued her, but she knew that she had to work equally hard at both. She couldn’t save an entire country by turning her back on her son. There was only so much Jonathan and Martha could do to fill the void while she was gone, but Jon deserved both of his parents, and for now, that wasn’t even an option. With Clark gone, Jon needed her even more. She said her goodbyes and hung up the phone. She held Jon up high over her head.
“What should we do now, little man?” she asked. Jon laughed in response. “How about we look at the photo album? I think Grandma and Grandpa finished putting in the pictures from your birthday party.” She settled him against her hip as she found the big, thick photo album on the bookshelf. Settling back on the couch with Jon sitting right next to her, she opened the album on her lap.
The first page was pictures of her and Clark from the first time they’d been back to the farm after she learned about his secret. They were smiling more at each other than at the camera, so deliriously in love the memory of it caused her heart to twist. “Do you know who that is?” she asked, pointing to Clark. “That’s Daddy.” She held Jon’s little hand in hers. “Yes, that’s your daddy,” she repeated. They flipped slowly through the album together. She repeated the names of everyone in every picture as she pointed to them.
“And that’s you, little man,” she said, smiling, as she turned to the first of many pages of Jon on his first birthday, his face and hair covered in vanilla frosting. Lois couldn’t get over what a happy baby he was, or how much he looked like his dad. She’d seen pictures of Clark as a baby in the many albums filled with photos; he and his son had the same eyes, the same great big smile.
She placed the album on the coffee table and turned back to the cheerful little baby sitting next to her. She pulled him easily into her arms; as always, finding a remarkable sense of peace in holding him. She breathed deeply the fresh scent of powder and soap on his soft skin. Her hearing tuned in to the sound of his heartbeat and she closed her eyes. “I love you so much,” she whispered. She looked at him as he studied her with his big, brown eyes. “You know that, right?” she asked. Lois kissed his forehead. “Mommy loves you more than anything.”
********
Talan bowed as she entered the reception room, with its soaring, vaulted ceilings. The First Minister rose to his feet as she approached. He seemed healthier and stronger than he did just a few days earlier. While he was still thinner than he was before his capture, he had regained much of the lost weight and his complexion was no longer pale, but there was still an incredible sadness in his eyes. She could not help but notice it, and it caused her to worry more than she had expected. Having seen just a glimpse of what he had lost and what he had endured, she wished for him to have a life free of these difficulties. He had sacrificed so much for a world that wasn’t even his and for people he did not know. If anyone deserved a life of happiness, it was him. “I am sorry to disturb you, sir. I know that you are busy,” she began.
“Not at all,” he replied graciously. “What can I do for you, Commander?” He gingerly lowered himself back into his chair.
Talan sat down in the empty chair across from his. “I first wanted to apologize for my behavior the other night,” she said. “There was no justification or excuse for my insubordination.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Kal El replied warmly.
“Sir, I wish to apologize, but I also wanted to make amends. I know that the most difficult burdens to bear are the ones we bear alone. I realize that I may not be the most inviting or sympathetic of people, but if you wish to speak with someone, I am always willing to listen.”
“Thank you,” he replied quietly with a brief ghost of a smile. “I am grateful. I’m just not sure I’m ready to talk about it yet.”
She nodded. “I understand, sir.”
He looked down at his hands silently. Long moments passed and she wondered if he wished her to leave, even though he had not dismissed her. It seemed possible because he was so polite and the strictures of military protocol were so obviously alien to him. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, his voice so low she scarcely heard him. And she imagined for a moment that she must have misheard him; what did he have to apologize for?
He looked up at long last and his dark eyes met hers and she could tell that she hadn’t heard him wrong. There was contrition and sorrow etched into his expression. “You’ve been a great friend to me, and I’m afraid I haven’t done the same. Before you mentioned it the other day, I never thought about whether you had someone you could speak to when things get to be too much.”
She drew in a deep breath. She shouldn’t have been surprised. It was so characteristic of him to think of the people around him even when, by all rights, he should have been consumed by his own pain. And yet, it amazed her that he could think he’d been lacking in compassion. Talan could say with no hesitation, that Kal El had never, at any point in his life, lacked compassion. “Commanding is a lonely profession, sir, but you already knew that,” she replied.
“But even I don’t do this completely alone. I’ve depended so much on you, as well as on Zara, and Ching, and Enza.”
She felt the corners of her mouth turn upward in a slight smile. “I know that I speak for all of them as well as for myself when I say that you have been as great a friend as we could ask for. You lead with tremendous courage and even more compassion. Your example makes us all want to be better than we are.”
For a long moment, he said nothing and merely smiled genuinely. “Thank you,” he whispered at long last.
“Please believe that I meant every word,” she replied.
********
