From Last Time:
"You know what I want."
"I know what you believe. And they're all very admirable ideals. But people fight for ideals. They die for ideals. They don't live for them. There will be life after this war."
"I know that," she replied, a hint of exasperation creeping into her tone.
"I don't think you do. Because you fight like the fight is all you have. Now that you want something, you have something to lose. Something you might be asked to sacrifice. And that scares you."
She opened her mouth to speak, but didn't know what to say. The first thing that came to mind was to deny emphatically everything he'd said. But where to start? With the fear? With the expectation of sacrifice? With the notion that she only now had something to lose? That was certainly the most ridiculous part. She had nothing now that she didn't have before. What she was afraid of losing were her beliefs, she knew that.
But why now? Why was she now contemplating the destruction of the only good and decent thing left in her? She sighed. "I have to go," she said awkwardly.
He nodded, his mouth set in a straight, thin line. "If you want to talk…"
"I know. And thank you."
"I know that you're New Krypton's great hero, a commander of armies, and a force of nature," he said in a gently teasing tone. "But be careful."
"I will," she promised.
********
New Stuff:
Lois stepped into the British ambassador's office; the diplomats were already gathered there.
"Ultrawoman, we cannot begin to express our gratitude to you for rescuing those aid workers and the children. What you did was nothing short of a miracle," Dr. Murray said as she stood to shake Lois's hand. "And thank you for coming on such short notice."
"Of course," Lois replied.
"The recent events in Mawali and Kinwara certainly suggest that we must change our approach. This problem is now clearly international in scope," the British ambassador said, wasting no time.
"Agreed," the French ambassador replied, placing his teacup on its saucer on the coffee table in front him. "We must ensure that the borders and the territorial integrity of all states are respected. This will require a far more robust force."
Dr. Karamov frowned dourly. He scratched at his bearded chin. "My government is willing to consider the possibility of an evolving mission in Kinwara," he said through his striking, blonde interpreter.
All eyes turned toward Ambassador Lin. "The government of China has agreed to consider the expansion of the mandate to include the protection of safe havens, but this is too drastic a change."
"It is the situation that has changed drastically," Ambassador Hugh interjected. "This is no longer about the internal affairs of a single state. This is about the violation of the sovereignty of Mawali, and the taking of international relief workers as hostages; we cannot allow it to continue."
"We will not allow the independence of Togoro to be attacked," Lin warned as he looked at the gathered group over the rim of his teacup.
"And I can't keep the aid workers and the civilians safe in both Mawali and Kinwara without a stronger UN force on the ground. The rebels are moving freely throughout the area and Rapin's forces can't contain them," Lois said.
"Last time I checked, Ultrawoman, you were not a sovereign nation. You have no vote in the UN and certainly no seat in the Security Council," Lin replied acidly. "You should leave the work of statecraft to the diplomats."
After all the sycophantic interviews she'd given and the sucking up she'd done to this twerp and his government…"I'm more than happy to," Lois replied, trying her damnedest to keep her temper in check. "Diplomacy is your business, not mine. But the protection of innocent people is my business. This was an attack on children; no civilized society can tolerate that."
Lin opened his mouth to speak, but the Russian ambassador cut him off. "On that point we are all agreed," Dr. Karamov said. "Obviously, we will not move forward with any plan that is not supported by all three nations. We must work with Mawali, Togoro, and Kinwara to devise a way forward. But it would be best if we can unite behind a proposal to present to them."
"Absolutely," the French ambassador replied.
Lois's eyes darted from one diplomat to the next, trying frantically to gauge their reactions. Bringing Togoro into the negotiations meant there was no chance in hell that President Sangara would be brought to justice.
"Let us propose a parallel force, then," Sir Walter suggested. "No expansion of the peacekeepers' mandate beyond the protection of safe havens, but an international stabilization force to monitor the borders and enforce a demilitarized zone to work in concert with the peacekeepers."
"The United States believes that is the best way to stanch the bloodshed," Dr. Murray agreed.
But what about justice? Lois thought angrily to herself. Sure, they'd be able to contain the threat, but Sangara wouldn't just remain free, he'd stay in power. She kept her mouth shut, desperately repeating in her mind that this was beyond her ability to control.
"We cannot vote in favor of such a proposal," Lin replied stubbornly.
"But will you vote against it?" The British ambassador asked the pointed question.
"I will have to confer with Beijing," Lin said.
Further platitudes were exchanged, but Lois had stopped paying attention. Eventually, the ambassadors began to file out with their translators. Lois was about to step out of the office when Ambassador Murray touched her elbow. "Ultrawoman, if you wouldn't mind staying a moment to speak with Ambassador Hugh and me?"
"Of course," Lois replied.
The British Ambassador's secretary closed the office's walnut double door once the other diplomats had left. "Real progress was made here," Sir Walter said confidently.
"I agree," Dr. Murray replied.
"Sangara's going to get away with genocide," Lois said flatly. "You'll be able to get his goons in Kinwara, but he'll stay comfortably in power."
"Actually, we were hoping you would help us arrest the ‘goons' as you put it," Ambassador Hugh said, putting his hands in his pockets as he paced.
"What?" she asked.
"We've already worked out the details. A joint British and French force with tactical support from the United States will deploy to Kinwara," Hugh said nonchalantly.
"Sangara has already agreed to this?" Lois asked incredulously.
"He's not going to have a choice," Sir Walter said as he picked up the teapot and refilled his teacup. "Unless he wants to stay under an economic embargo forever, he'll give in."
"Lin is going to cave. The Chinese will abstain on the vote. The Russians will vote yes, after President Young signs the bill providing for several hundred million dollars in export import banking credits," Dr. Murray said, her tone frank.
"You mean after they're bribed," Lois clarified.
Ambassador Hugh chuckled softly. "You know, you're not much like your predecessor."
"Well, we have the same tailor and the same disdain for gravity, but we are still two different people. Diplomacy is one of his strengths. I can't claim it's one of mine," Lois replied, defensively folding her arms across her chest.
"On the contrary, the public relations campaign you launched in China was sheer brilliance. You backed Beijing into a corner and made them blink," Hugh countered. "Lin has to maintain his bluster in order to save face, but you won."
"You should be proud of what you've accomplished," Dr. Murray said with a smile.
All Lois could feel was disbelief. She tried to tell herself that an end to the fighting was enough. It didn't matter that it was a peace without justice. The killings were going to stop. "What about the war crimes, what about the international prosecutor?"
"As Ambassador Hugh said, that's where we're going to need your help," Dr. Murray explained. "We want to deputize you to exercise the arrest warrants that will be coming down."
"All except for President Sangara's," Lois said. "How exactly am I supposed to explain why I'm arresting the street thugs and not one of the worst mass murderers alive?"
"You're saving lives," the British ambassador replied tersely. "That's more than we could have hoped for here."
Lois nodded numbly. "Okay," she heard herself saying. She claimed to have a pressing matter to attend to. Lying about being needed somewhere else was probably something else that separated her from Clark. He tried not to lie when he was Superman. This propaganda and PR nonsense she'd been sputtering had blurred the clear lines between truths and lies. In the world of diplomacy they all seemed to be the same.
********
Clark passed through the reception room of the First Ministers' compound, a weary Ching walking beside him. "How's the restructuring going?" Clark asked.
"Delicately," Ching replied. "It takes time to acclimate everyone to new command and new organization."
Clark frowned. He'd had no doubt that this would be the case, but it was still frustrating. He stopped as the doors in front of them opened and Lieutenant Rul entered with Enza and Thia. Thia's face lit up as she saw him. She wriggled her little hand free from Enza's and began to run toward him.
"Thia!" her aunt cried out after her, startled.
Clark knelt to pull the little girl into his embrace. The hurt he always carried with him receded just a bit as he held that wonderful child in his arms.
"Hello, Kal El," she whispered.
"Hello, Thia," he replied, feeling the corners of his mouth turn upward in a slight smile. He stood up, still holding Thia.
"Thank you for the book," she said.
"You're very welcome," Clark said. "Are you and Lok Sim enjoying it?"
"It's my favorite," she replied, giving him a gap-toothed smile.
"I'm sorry, sir," Enza said. "I know you're busy. I was just coming to see First Minister Zara and Thia was going to wait quietly in the library with Lieutenant Rul, isn't that right?" The last part was directed at her niece.
"Yes, Aunt Enza," Thia said, almost sullenly.
"Sir?" Ching got his attention, politely and deferentially, as always. He was, of course, going to remind Clark that they had meetings to attend on all sorts of matters of pressing concern. "I don't think there's anything in our briefing this morning that requires your attention. If you have matters to attend to here, I'm happy to take care of the meeting."
Clark gave his friend a grateful smile. "Thank you, Ching." He turned back toward Thia. "Have I shown you the star charts in the library yet?" he asked.
She shook her head silently.
"Would you like to see them?" he asked. Thia nodded vigorously, her eyes alight. "Would that be all right?" he asked Enza.
"Of course, sir," she replied with a slight bow.
Clark set Thia gently down on her feet and took her little hand in his much larger one. He led her to the library, where he found the right globe. It glowed as he activated it, sending a hologram of the depths of space throughout the cavernous room. The library's lights dimmed as the billions of tiny stars twinkled all around them.
He watched the little girl stare all around her, a look of pure wonderment on her face. "Touch one," he said.
She lifted her hand and with one little finger, touched one of the stars. Suddenly, the other stars all around them raced by and they zoomed in on the star she'd selected. It glowed, enormous, bright, and fierce over her head. Around it were scattered its many planets and asteroids, engaging in a slow, cosmic dance around their star. Clark picked Thia up in his arms again. "Now try one of the planets."
Obligingly, she reached out and touched the nearest planet, a rust red globe, oddly similar to New Krypton. They zoomed in again on the surface of the planet – a barren, uninhabitable desert. Clark touched the planet again and they retreated once more. They tried the trick again with the gas giants, the planetesimals, and the ones with rings and dozens of moons.
"There are so many," Thia said, her voice an awed whisper.
"I know," Clark replied. "And all of them are different."
"I want to see your planet," she said.
Clark found the right constellations pointing toward the sun and touched his star. The familiar solar system suddenly surrounded them. With an intense feeling of longing, he reached out and touched the image of the Earth. It swirled, in all its blue and green glory, into view.
"It's so pretty," Thia said reverently.
"It is," Clark agreed. He showed her the continents and pointed to the place where his birth parents had sent him. Kansas. And to Metropolis, a city that boastfully considered itself the center of the universe. He showed her all the other planets in the system, telling her their names and the stories behind those names. Her curiosity made him smile and he remembered what it was like to hold the universe in such wonder.
"Thank you, Kal El," she said sweetly after he finally deactivated the globe. The lights overhead brightened again.
"We have a lot more maps," he told her. "We can look at whichever one you like next time."
"I liked your planet best," she said.
He smiled sadly. So did he.
********
"They make great doorstops," Lois said as she crossed her legs and sank back into the couch in Perry's office.
"Hey, hey!" Perry barked as he hung his tuxedo jacket on the coat rack behind his desk. "At the very least, use them as paperweights."
They stared at the cluster of heavy crystal statues on Perry's desk. "I thought I'd be more excited to win one," Jimmy mused. "It just doesn't seem that important."
"You're too young to be this jaded, Jimmy," Lois replied.
Jimmy merely snorted in response. He undid the top button of his tuxedo shirt and stuffed his bowtie in his jacket pocket. The Planet had swept the Kerths that year, taking home the lion's share of the important prizes. Lois had picked up two of them for the first time – best editorial series and best foreign coverage. They were about to join their mates in storage in the Kent attic.
"This Kerth means you're not an assistant photographer anymore," Perry said. "You're going to get a promotion – and a raise – and work just like all the other photographers in the pool."
"Thanks, chief," Jimmy said, his voice flat. Lois couldn't tell if he was stunned by Perry's comments or still mulling over the anti-climax of his Kerth win. She knew that Jimmy didn't think of the pictures he took in Kinwara as accomplishments. It was obvious to her that his talent had allowed him to capture moments of total despair and loss and grief in a way she never could. He'd communicated to the world the terrors she saw every day better than all the words she'd strung together in every column she'd written and every speech Ultrawoman had delivered. But to Jimmy, it had been nothing more than passively watching a nightmare unfold all around. A nightmare that he probably still had stuck in his head, burned into his mind's eye like the images frozen on film.
********
Talan cut the tape from her hands, peeling off layer after layer of the adhesive padding. Her tender knuckles suggested that the tape hadn't fully done its job. Or perhaps she'd just been hitting the boxing targets too hard. She stretched slowly before sitting on the mat in the officers' gym. She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply, anticipating the calm and quiet of the first stage of a meditative trance, but in her mind's eyes flashed a bright and chaotic image, flickering incomprehensibly. The familiar sounds of a battle surrounded her. She breathed deep the scorched scent of laser rifle fire and fear as she tried to shake herself of the unwanted thoughts. The image suddenly crystallized and she saw the stunned, gaping face of the first rebel she'd ever killed in battle. One moment he was running, firing at her troops, the next, he was just uncoordinated limbs and body, tumbling into a heap on the ground.
Her eyes flew open, but the images were still there - every enemy she'd killed in battle, every single one. They stared at her with accusatory eyes and vacant expressions. Every one of them took part of her humanity from her. Every one had been a devil's bargain. She'd bought just a sliver of hope of protecting her troops, of staying alive to keep fighting, of defending the innocent, with each life she'd extinguished. She'd bartered and sold and traded every piece of her soul away.
She jumped to her feet in a single, sinuous motion, pacing agitatedly the moment she was standing. She buried her hands in her hair, cowering as she shivered. Talan rubbed her hands ineffectually up and down her arms, trying to get rid of the gooseflesh and tremors.
"You can't protect him."
Her head snapped up at the sound of that voice. Nor's voice. Her eyes darted around the gymnasium, her body instinctively tensing as it prepared for the fight. But the voice was in her mind. She sank to her knees, exhaling a shaky breath. A stab of pain pierced her chest. She closed her eyes, trying to steady her breathing and center her mind, but the pain only grew. It started to fill the gaping wound inside her. The space that had been carved out, hollowed over the years into a yawning abyss.
The bill had come due. She'd tried to buy time, to bargain away everything that made her feel human in exchange for the promise of feeling nothing. No guilt, no doubt, no uncertainty. Through the cheap wizardry of meditation and insomnia, she'd outrun the nightmares for years. Now they were overtaking her.
She saw the faces of the men she'd killed when rescuing Kal El. The men whose lives she'd taken without thought or hesitation. She'd felt nothing when she'd killed them. Her body might as well have carried out the acts without her conscious mind. What kind of monster was she that homicide was built into her muscle memory?
And then she saw Kal El, physically defeated. Starved. Stripped naked. Beaten, bloodied, bruised, and broken. The blood had dried on his face, except for the thin line down each cheek, where the tears had washed the blood away. How had such a physically powerful man been laid so low? His emaciated frame had seemed so small and thin. At his normal size, she never would have been able to carry him more than a few paces, but she'd hoisted the ghost of her commander onto her shoulders and run for the waiting transport.
In the transport, she'd watched numbly as the medics did their work. But this time as the images replayed in her head, she could feel everything she'd crammed down at that moment. The violent nausea roiling in her gut. The overwhelming struggle to draw a simple breath. The clawing pain in her chest, threatening to rip her apart from the inside out. The feeling like she would have rather died than watch him endure another moment of pain.
The trance ended just as inexplicably as it had started. Her hallucinations, her waking nightmares, simply disappeared. The pain echoed inside her, distant and faint. And bearable. She stood up and looked around, as though she didn't expect to still be in the gym. Awkwardly, she walked down the hallway, desperately wanting to tear off her sparring uniform and stand under the near scalding stream of the shower. But she knew that no amount of water was going to wash her mind and her soul clean of this.
She closed the door to her quarters behind her and stripped off her uniform as quickly as she could. In her washroom, she turned on the shower and stepped under the stream of hot water. Talan closed her eyes and exhaled deeply, placing a hand against the shower wall to steady herself. It was because of the rage. She couldn't shut it off and she couldn't just pick and choose which emotions she felt. She was either emotionally shut down or she was overwhelmed by feelings and thoughts she couldn't handle.
But rage didn't exist in an emotional vacuum. Rage could only be built on other, equally strong sentiments. She hated Nor. That was crystal clear. She hated him because of what he'd done to Kal El.
And it mattered that it was Kal El.
She allowed the water to cascade over her as she leaned against the shower wall. This all-consuming anger existed only because it was someone she cared about. Someone whose life mattered so much more than her own or anything else she held dear. She wanted to spare him any pain that she could. She wanted that desperately.
The feeling was strange to her, to want something so badly, to feel a desire so strongly. For decades, she'd had no difficulty controlling her desires. She'd mastered self-abnegation before she'd known what it meant. So why was this so difficult? What made this want different?
Because both the rage and the want were born of love.
The acknowledgement ripped through her, damn near knocking her over. Her legs went weak underneath her, her hands clenched themselves into fists at her sides. She took long, deep breaths, her chest rising and falling with the exertion, as she tried to find her focus again. Of course, she couldn't control this. She'd fought it for so long, refusing to recognize it, calling it everything except what it was. But she'd lost that fight. She couldn't deny it any more than she could stop it. Desire, fear, and anger were born of the weakness, the frailty of the body. Love was not. She could transcend the body's wants, but this wasn't about mind over matter. This was the result of her mind, recognizing in him so many things worth admiring, so much goodness and decency, so much compassion and quiet strength. It didn't matter that she had no right, that the sentiment was inappropriate, that her rational mind knew better.
********
Lois stood on the edge of the Planet's roof, arms folded across her chest, surveying her city. This was, after all, her city. It was her responsibility to protect it. To help the helpless, to defend the weak, and protect the innocent. And part of that meant making sure the criminals faced justice. She didn't just set them along their way to commit more crimes. So why couldn't she do the same for Kinwara? Why couldn't she give some measure of justice to that country's victims? How was she supposed to look those people in the eye and tell them there was nothing more she could do?
She wondered if Clark would have been able to find another way, whether he would have been able to bring the criminals to justice. She really needed his help. She needed to hear his voice, reassuring her, telling her everything would be okay. She needed to feel his arms around her, holding her. She needed his strength and his guidance. How could she have ever thought that she could fill his shoes? How could she have ever hoped to measure up to him? To what he meant to the world?
The lights of the city twinkled peacefully as a crisp autumn breeze stirred the air, causing her cape to rustle behind her. She leapt from the roof, darting into the night sky as she flew west, toward the Kent farm and her family.
********
Enza sat, arms folded on her desk's hard surface, her head resting on her arms, as she watched the hologram in front of her scroll slowly upward. She'd memorized all the names listed - all the people who had died with her parents, her brother, and his wife. It was five years ago to the day - the one day of the year she allowed herself to succumb to the grief and the pain of their passing. They'd died in one of the very first rebel attacks. Every blood relative she'd had perished that day, except for her infant niece.
She'd raced from the main colony to their settlement, numb with shock. In the chaos and madness, a nurse had presented her with the crying, one year old child she barely knew. For hours, Enza held Thia, rocking her gently, only dimly aware of the baby's cries. She'd waited until the tiny child had finally exhausted herself from crying and had fallen asleep. She'd looked down at the baby in her arms. Enza had been twenty-four years old, apprenticed to the Chief Jurist, and she'd known nothing about children. But she was all Thia had left in the world.
Her little niece was growing up so quickly now. Thia had her mother's eyes and her father's sense of wonder. She had her grandmother's kind and gentle temperament and yet, despite the fact that she got all of these traits from so many different people, Enza was the only family she had ever known.
The names that scrolled by were suddenly blurred by tears. She wiped them silently away with one hand. A knock at her door startled her. She rubbed at her eyes, hoping to erase any trace of the tears. "Come in," she managed.
Lok Sim entered, dressed in combat fatigues, and carrying a gear bag over his shoulder. "I just wanted to say goodbye, ma'am," he said.
"Where are you going?" she asked as she looked up at him.
"The chief communications engineer deployed with the Expeditionary Forces is ill. I'm being sent to replace him."
But that meant combat. "When?" she asked, trying not to let the note of worry creep into her voice.
"This evening," he said softly.
"You have to say goodbye to Thia," she said breathlessly. "If any…she's going to want to say goodbye." She couldn't bring herself to voice her doubts, certainly not now.
He opened his mouth to speak, but said nothing. A pained look on his face, he merely nodded.
"Can you come by my apartment in an hour?" she asked.
"Of course, ma'am," he replied. He bowed politely before backing out the door. Enza raced out almost as soon as he'd left. She realized, on some intellectual level, that even his non-combat responsibilities could lead him into danger, just like hers did. But she certainly wasn't prepared to deal with this, especially not today of all days. Enza got Thia home as quickly as she could, assuring her little niece that she would explain everything once they were back at their apartment.
"How come you came early today?" Thia asked innocently as soon as they'd stepped through the door.
"Lok Sim is coming to see you," Enza explained. Her heart broke at the excited smile that spread across Thia's face. "He has to go away for a while, so he wanted to come and say goodbye."
Thia's hazel eyes grew wide as her smile died. "Where's he going?"
"He has to go away for work," Enza said, dropping to her knees in front of the little girl.
"Like you do," Thia replied sullenly.
Enza bit her lip and nodded. "Yes, like I do. But he's going to come back, just like I do."
"He was supposed to pick me up after school tomorrow," Thia said softly.
"I know, little one," Enza replied as she touched her niece's cheek gently. A soft knock at the door caused her to look up. She stood to answer it, knowing Lok Sim would be on the other side.
"Hello, ma'am," he said quietly as he entered the apartment. "Hello, Thia," he said with a sad, half smile.
The little girl looked up at him with eyes welling up with tears. Her bottom lip trembled as she turned and ran to her room. Enza looked at the tall sergeant, his features set into an expression of deep hurt. Her own heart ached for her little niece. She opened her mouth to apologize, but Lok Sim cut her off. "Is it all right if I go talk with her, ma'am?" he asked, his jaw set, but his expression still anxious.
She merely nodded and he dropped his bag to the ground with a soft thud. In long strides he walked down the hallway and knocked gently on Thia's door. "Just go," she heard her little niece say. "You're just going to leave anyway." Enza stepped away until she could no longer hear their voices. She drifted toward the table where the large volume Kal El had loaned them lay. She opened its cover gingerly and turned its delicate pages.
Thia had lost too many people. She couldn't lose anyone else. She couldn't lose Lok Sim. There was no way she'd be able to understand it.
They walked back in the room, hand in hand; Lok Sim cutting his long steps in half so that Thia could keep up with him.
"You're going to come back?" Thia asked.
"I am, little one," he assured her.
"I'm not that little," she protested stubbornly.
Lok Sim dropped to his knees, beside her. "To me you are," he said with a gently teasing smile.
"That's because you're a giant," Thia replied. For a long moment, she said nothing. "I don't want you to go."
"I don't want to go, either," he said sadly.
Enza watched as Lok Sim closed his eyes and pulled her little niece into his arms. Thia wrapped her arms around his neck as he cradled the back of her head with one hand and gently kissed the crown of her hair. "Be good," he whispered.
Enza could see the hesitance in his expression as he let Thia go and rose to his feet. "I should go," he said quietly.
"May fortune be with you, Sergeant," Enza said.
"Thank you, ma'am," he replied.
Impulsively, instinctively, Enza stepped toward him, wrapping her arms around him. For a long moment, he remained still. Embarrassment and mortification rose up inside her until his arms came around her, engulfing her in his embrace. "Be careful," she whispered.
"I will," he replied. He held her just a fraction longer than necessary before withdrawing reluctantly. "Goodbye ma'am, goodbye, Thia," he said as he opened the door and lifted his pack. He stepped out, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
