It has been a long time since I've written anything, so this was exciting, nerve-wracking, and therapeutic, all at the same time. I just hope that you enjoy reading this even half as much as I enjoyed writing it. It was nice to feel "back in the game."
I have to admit, though, I was very nervous about dipping my toe into the writing pool after having been away from it for so long, but LabRat was so very kind and willing to beta read this for me when I emailed her, pleading for help. She had so many encouraging things to say, and that gave me the courage to keep working on it. Thanks, Labby! I owe you one.
Also, thanks to CC Aiken, for humoring me by taking a look at a very early rough draft of this and encouraging me to keep going. I may not have attempted to finish this without you two. Thanks, guys!
Feedback and constructive criticism always welcome.
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Longings of the Heart (part 1 of 3)
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"What do you mean, you're getting married?!" Lois sputtered, clutching the phone more tightly to her ear. "Lucy, are you *insane*?"
As her sister started to answer--clearly not understanding that it had been meant as a rhetorical question--Lois tuned out and tried to digest what she'd just been told.
Lucy? Engaged? No, surely, she must have heard wrong. Lucy wasn't getting married. Couldn't be getting married. Not to Mr. All-Brawn-And-No-Brains. The guy was a barbarian. Raw eggs in a glass for breakfast. Red meat for practically every meal. Who ate like that? Certainly not a normal person. But that was Lucy's problem right there. Since when did Lucy fall for anybody normal?
Gathering steam, Lois's hand clenched the phone even more tightly and launched into her protest, cutting off Lucy's feeble explanation. "Lucy, you hardly *know* this Neanderthal! You met him on your vacation to Los Angeles...what? Four months ago? That's hardly enough time to get to know somebody, let alone build a relationship!"
She listened another moment as Lucy reminded her that Lois, herself, had met him--granted, only fifteen minutes on a Saturday morning over coffee--but had said she'd liked him. Lois hurried to correct that misconception.
"I never said that I liked him," Lois argued, turning to pace across the kitchen. "All I said was that at least he didn't seem to be a scumbag like your last boyfriend, who, I don't have to remind you, turned out to be a cyborg, kidnapped Clark, and tried to kill Superman!"
That silenced her sister. For a few moments, at least. But when Lucy had recovered, her voice was softer, pleading.
"Lois, please," she asked in earnest. "Can't you be a little more supportive about this? Brian's not a Neanderthal. He's a great guy. And he loves me. We love each other. Why can't you understand that?"
A small pang in the area around her heart made Lois catch her breath. Love. What was that? As much as she longed to know, she *didn't* know. And certainly her little sister didn't know. The thought of true love was wonderful and fairytale and all that, but real? She doubted it.
Lois bit down on her lower lip and waited for the pang to ease. With everything she'd been through in the last few months, she, of all people, had reason to doubt love. After having given much thought to the matter, she'd at last come to the conclusion that love was just that--a fairytale. Something that was talked about and dreamed of, but didn't truly exist. If it did, *she'd* never seen it. Not with her parents...not with Claude...not with Lex...not with anybody.
Her sister's voice brought her back to their conversation and she didn't miss the defeat in Lucy's voice. "Lois, all I'm asking is that you give Brian a chance. He's flying in next week and Mom is planning on throwing us an engagement party that Saturday. You'll be there, right?"
Lois considered making up some excuse and saying she was busy, but Lucy's voice came across the line again.
"Lois, please?"
It was the voice her little sister had used successfully on her for years--the plea that Lois had never been able to refuse. Apparently, it still worked.
Releasing a heavy sigh, Lois rolled her eyes and dropped down onto her sofa. "Fine," she muttered. "Tell me what time and where."
Lucy's voice perked up at Lois's acceptance, and Lois made note of the details. Then, with a hasty 'goodbye,' she hung up the phone.
Lucy. In love. Getting married.
Drawing in a deep, cleansing breath, Lois stood up and headed for the kitchen. It was time for chocolate. Lots of chocolate.
Walking into the kitchen, she opened the freezer and reached for the half-gallon container of Chocolately Chocolate Chip ice cream. Her heart skipped a beat when she realized it felt alarmingly light. Anxious, she didn't even bother shutting the freezer door and ignored the cold clouds of air pouring out around her from the compartment as she pried the lid off the ice cream carton and peered inside.
It wasn't full, but it would do. At least she couldn't see the bottom of the container. Turning, she elbowed the freezer door shut and reached for a spoon in the drawer.
"Married," Lois muttered around her first spoonful of ice cream. "How can she even consider getting married?"
She shook her head in disapproval and took another bite. Knowing her sister's romantic soul, she supposed she could understand that her sister might see something as glamorous as a wedding to be the ultimate in romantic. But Lois knew better. Weddings were definitely overrated.
Her stomach turned as she thought of her own disastrous wedding. 'Non-wedding,' she hurried to correct herself. Not only had she changed her mind at the last minute and made a fool of herself in front of a room full of important people, but she'd realized just how much of a fool she had been, not seeing Lex for who--or what--he'd really been.
Her chest tightened and her eyes felt moist. How could she not have seen it? Clark suspected. He'd never quit warning her about him. What he'd known, he'd never said, but she should have listened. He'd been adamant, and still she'd ignored his warnings. He was her best friend and she'd hurt him.
But still he'd been there for her. After the dust had settled, he was there, helping her pick up the pieces of her shattered life.
A little bit of warmth crept back into her heart. Clark was amazing...had *been* amazing. Thanks to his kindness and gentle patience, what had seemed unmanageable had become manageable. She had his broad shoulders to help shoulder her load, and the countless times they had spent talking had made all the difference. She was finally starting to heal. It had been a slow and painful process, but that's exactly what she was doing. And she knew Clark had been a big part of that healing process. He could have said 'I told you so' a hundred times over, but never once had he spoken the words. He'd been kind and sympathetic and had given her a shoulder to cry on these last few months.
He was her support system, her rock. It had felt so good to spend time with him again, to feel comfortable and safe. He had become an amazing friend over the past few months, and she knew she wouldn't have made it through without him.
An amazing friend.
Tears of a different nature filled Lois's eyes, and she quickly shoved another bite of chocolate ice cream into her mouth as a balm.
Yes, he was her friend. Her best friend. She supposed that was a step in the right direction. Before meeting Clark, men had become the bane of her existence. But Clark had slowly changed her mind. Some men were tolerable. Comfortable and trustworthy, even. The very notion that she could call men that told her she'd come a long way.
Having a man for a friend--a best friend--proved something to herself. It proved that she could peacefully (well, maybe not always peacefully, she thought with a smile, if she were to be completely honest with herself about her up-and-down relationship with Clark) share her life with a man. But why couldn't she find a man to love that loved her in return--a man who she felt as comfortable with as Clark who wanted to be more than just a friend?
When Clark had told her that day in the park that he loved her, it had been awkward. She'd had to tell him she didn't feel that way about him, and their relationship had suffered because of it. But that tiny seed he'd planted had continued to grow in her mind as her wedding preparations continued, and by the time she'd stepped into her wedding gown prior to walking down the isle for her wedding--okay, her *non*-wedding--to Lex, she realized she had more feelings for Clark than she'd ever let herself hone up to.
The realization had been astounding. Clark loved her. She was beginning to love him.
Ever since she and Lucy had been little girls, they had talked about and dreamed of the day that they would meet their handsome prince, fall in love, and live happily ever after. The harsh reality of life and love had made Lois cynical over the years, but somewhere deep within her heart, that dream still lived on, even though she refused to believe it was possible.
But then, for the first time in her life, the prospect of being in a loving, committed relationship with a man as good as Clark loomed larger than life and appeared to be more than just an unattainable dream. It was real, and within her heart she felt the first stirrings of hope.
But in the end, Clark's confession of love had turned out to be a hoax. Just when she'd worked up the nerve to tell Clark how she was beginning to feel, he'd interrupted her and told her he hadn't really meant it when he'd said he loved her--that it was just a desperate, last ditch attempt to keep her from marrying Lex.
She'd been crushed. What could she have said to that? There'd been no way she could have confessed to her growing feelings for Clark after that kind of confession. So, she'd squashed whatever growing feelings she had for him back into a little, undisturbed corner of her heart and forced herself to move on. She had to. It hadn't been easy, but she'd come to realize the hard way that having Clark in her life as a friend was better than not having him as anything.
When she spent many an evening crying on Clark's shoulder over her doubts and insecurities that had arisen from having been involved with a man like Lex, she never once let on that those weren't the only reasons why her heart was aching. She could talk to him about many things, but not about this. Never about this. How could she tell him that, even above the feelings of being betrayed by Lex, she was hurting because she was seriously doubting that she was capable or even worthy of being loved?
But apparently Lucy was. As much as Lois hated to admit it, her sister seemed truly happy. She'd seemed to have found "it," whatever "it" was. And that made the ache even deeper.
A tear slid down her cheek, and she reached up with her hand that still had the spoon clenched in it to wipe it away with the back of her hand. Sniffling, she looked down into the carton of melting chocolate ice cream.
Sadly enough, even chocolate ice cream wasn't cutting it tonight, she realized. That meant she had to resort to her other balm.
Setting what was left of the ice cream down on the counter, she opened the cupboard doors beneath the skin and reached for the bucket of cleaning supplies.
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Clark soared over the darkened city, glad that it was quiet tonight. The past week had kept him hopping--a jewelry store robbery, a fire in an old warehouse down by the docks, a gang fight in the bad part of down.... He was relieved there didn't seem to be much needing his attention tonight.
By force of habit, Clark steered himself toward Lois's apartment. In the past months since the Luthor fiasco, he'd spent most of his free time with Lois. She'd needed a friend, as well as a shoulder to cry on, as she tried to put her life back together. He made it a point to drop by often, usually after Superman's nightly patrol. He'd come to learn that it was just before bedtime when the toughened exterior she put on for public display would start to crumble, and the self-doubt that had resulted from Luthor's betrayal and deceit would start to creep back in.
They'd spent many hours talking, often into the early hours of the morning, about the pain that opening her heart to yet another man and being crushed in the process had caused. It tore at his heart to see her so broken and shattered.
More than anything, he longed to comfort her and tell her that he was one man who loved her and would never hurt her, but he knew that wasn't what she needed right now. She had enough things to deal with in her life, and he didn't want to be the source of any more turmoil or adversities. So, as much as he longed to share his feelings for her and maybe one day have them returned, he decided he needed to wait.
He forced himself to be patient, and instead put all his love for her into the role of a sympathetic friend, lending her the sympathetic ear and the shoulder to cry on, and was grateful to accept the little piece of her heart that she had to share.
Time seemed to be doing its part to heal her heart, but he suspected she still had some demons buried deep within her soul that time might not mend so easily. At least the healing process was taking place, he continued to remind himself, and she seemed to be well on the way back to becoming her normal self. She smiled much more frequently, and the expression was genuine. It hadn't escaped his notice, either, that that beautiful smile of hers seemed to come more often and more freely when she was around him.
His heart warmed at the thought. It was at times like those when he found the words of love on the tip of his tongue, but he continued to bite them back and wait for a better time to express them in the future.
Veering left in the starlit sky, he steered himself towards Lois's apartment. A quick peek inside drew him up short.
Lois was in her kitchen, wearing long yellow gloves and yielding a scouring brush as she attacked the tile on her counter with a ferocity rarely seen during such a task. His gaze shifted to the left. That's when he spotted the tub of chocolate ice cream melting on the counter.
Uh-oh. Intense scrubbing. Chocolate ice cream.
Melting and forgotten chocolate ice cream, at that.
This was bad. Very bad.
Recognizing that this looked to be one of those times when she needed his sympathetic ear, he landed in the deserted alley behind her apartment without a second thought and spun into Clark's clothes. He was knocking on Lois's apartment door only moments later.
Lois answered, looking just as he'd seen her from above. Gloves. Hair pulled up in a hasty, disheveled ponytail, white T-shirt and baggy jeans with a red flannel shirt thrown hastily over her T-shirt and hanging open, unbuttoned, down her front. If he hadn't been for the glowering expression on her face, he would have thought she looked beautiful.
"What are you doing here?" she grumbled as she moved away from the open door and turned to stalk back into the kitchen.
He fought with the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth but finally lost the battle. "It's nice to see you, too, Lois," he said as he stepped inside and shut the door behind him. He followed her into the kitchen where she'd resumed her scrubbing.
Leaning back against the opposite counter, he watched her scrub viciously at the grout for a long minute. When she didn't say anything, he ventured, "Want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?" she grumbled. "What makes you think I have anything to talk about?"
He grinned. "Oh, maybe the fact that you've scrubbed the entire top layer off that tile. What's wrong?"
She made a little noise of disgust and scrubbed harder. "Nothing's wrong. Not really. I mean, what should be wrong with my sister calling me to tell me she's getting married in two weeks? Nothing could be wrong with that, right?"
Clark winced. It was impossible to miss the heavy sarcasm in her voice, and Clark decided to tread carefully. He didn't understand what was so bad about Lucy getting married, but something about it had certainly upset Lois.
"Your sister's getting married? That's great," he said, trying to sound enthusiastic. When she turned to give him a murderous glare, he swallowed. "Uh-oh, that's not great?"
"Clark, you don't get it," she said, attacking the grout on her counter once more with such ferocity that Clark wasn't sure the tile would survive. "Lucy's just a kid. She doesn't know what love is. If she ends up marrying this guy, she's just going to get hurt and her life's going to be a mess. I don't want to see that happen."
"Now, Lois," he soothed. "Just because you had a bad experience...okay, a couple of bad experiences," he altered when she cast a pointed glance his way, "doesn't mean marriage--or even love, for that matter--should be, as you put it, 'avoided at all costs.' It *can* work, you know."
"Oh, yeah?" Lois shot back, slamming her container of cleanser down on the counter and releasing a plume of white dust. She whirled and glared at him, her expression challenging. "Give me one example of who it worked for?"
"My parents." Clark met her gaze without blinking. "They've been happily married for almost fifty years. I think it goes to show that marriage isn't always bad. There is such a thing as true love."
Lois's anger softened. She slumped against the counter and lifted a yellow-gloved hand to her forehead to brush back a few stray strands of hair from her face. "Yeah, well...maybe you're parents are just the exception to the rule. Heaven knows I wasn't the exception."
For a moment, Clark thought he caught a look of deep, vulnerable sadness in Lois's eyes. But before he could be sure, she straightened and pulled off her gloves. "Anyway, I just don't want Lucy to have to go through what I did, or find out down the road that marrying this guy was all a big mistake."
"How do you know it would be?" Clark asked, his tone gentle. "Have you even met him?"
"Once." Lois sighed and tossed her gloves onto the counter behind her. "For fifteen minutes." She shrugged. "He seemed like an okay guy, but what do I know? The last guy I thought was 'okay' turned out to be psychotic criminal instead of a world-renowned philanthropist."
Clark's voice was sympathetic. "Lois, we've talked about this before. Luthor fooled everybody. You can't blame yourself for not seeing him for who he was."
Lois sighed pushed off from the counter and grabbed a wet dish towel from the sink and began wiping down the tile. "Yeah, well, obviously I'm not the only one who doesn't see people for who they are. Lucy's just as bad. Look at her track record! Her last boyfriend turned out to be a cyborg who tried to kill Superman."
Clark cringed. He remembered that situation all too well.
"Anyway," Lois went on. "Apparently, I wasn't the only one surprised by Lucy's announcement. My mom's freaking out because she insists she can't throw a proper wedding in two weeks time, but my sister insists she wants something small and no-fuss. She even asked me to be her maid of honor." She looked at Clark and rolled her eyes. "Can you imagine that? Me, in some horrible bridesmaid's dress?"
Clark didn't respond, figuring what Lois needed right now was to let off some steam. He watched her finish wiping down the counters in silence. When he wasn't sure she would say anything else, she spoke again.
"The thing is," she said in a small voice, "she seems...happy."
Clark caught the hitch in her voice, and his heart lurched as he realized she was close to tears. He frowned. Aside from her concern for her sister's happiness, there was something going on here.
Straightening, Clark pushed away from the counter and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Lois, what's this really about? I sense there's more to this than Lucy's announcement. I'm here, you know, if you want to talk about it."
She didn't respond for a long moment, but then turned under his hand to face him.
"It's just..." she began, her lower lip quivering.
Clark's heart went out to her and he reached for her hand. Pulling her gently from the kitchen, he steered her toward the couch. "Come on," he urged, his manner tender.
She surprised him by following him without protest, then sat down beside him on the couch. "So, what's going on?" he asked once more.
Reaching up to wipe a tear from her cheek, she gave a defeated shrug. "It just doesn't seem fair," she began. "My life is in the toilet while everything seems to be going right for Lucy. I mean, I still think she's making a mistake jumping into marriage like this, but...she really does seem happy. What's wrong with me that my life has to be such a shambles?"
When the first tear was followed by two, then three and four, Clark did the same thing he did on each of these occasions over the last couple of months. He reached out and pulled her into a hug. Slipping his hand into her hair, he cradled her face against her shoulder and muttered soothing words of sympathy. He held her for a long time as she cried, wishing he had the magic words to say that would fix everything that she felt was wrong with her life.
At last her tears subsided and she pulled away, wiping at the smudged mascara under her eyes. She gave a self-deprecating laugh. "Sorry. I seem to be dissolving into this same blubbering mess around you lately."
"That's okay." He spoke tenderly, reaching up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "That's what I'm here for."
She captured his hand and held it against her cheek for a long moment, closing her eyes at the contact. Clark's heart began to pound in his chest as he studied the beautiful face against his hand--the long, dark lashes of her closed eyelids fanning out against the porcelain skin, slightly blotchy from crying; the tiny worry lines around her eyes that had only recently appeared after Luthor's ill-fated jump and ultimate demise; and the full, enticing lips that had quivered against her tears not long ago.
His thumb moved on its own accord of the hand she still held captured under hers, and he trailed it along the smooth skin in a loving caress. Her lips parted slightly as she gave a contented sigh, and his gaze dropped to them once more. He fought for all he was worth to keep himself from leaning in and pressing his lips to hers.
The clock in the corner began to chime, and the spell was broken. Lois's eyes drifted open and she released his hand, sending a mixture of sadness and relief through his body.
He cleared his throat. "Well. It's getting late. I guess I should be going."
He stood up quickly, already bent on giving himself another strong talking to about not overstepping his bounds, but he caught the glimmer of disappointment in Lois's eyes. He froze beside the couch. "Unless..." he stammered, uncertain. "Unless you want me to...?"
"Stick around?" Lois offered a smile and stood up beside him. She shook her head and gave him a sheepish smile. "You've already put up with enough from me tonight. I'm sorry I unloaded all that on you."
"You never need to apologize, Lois," he told her, his voice adamant. "I'm always here for you. You know that."
She nodded and gave him a grateful smile. "I know. Thank you, Clark."
Then, to his surprise, she stepped forward and slid her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly and burying her face against his chest. His heart soaring, he slipped his arms around her and returned her embrace.
Dropping his head to her hair, he closed his eyes and breathed in the heady scent of her shampoo that he'd come to know well over the past few months. For long moments he savored the feeling of her in his arms, the feel of her warm body pressed against his. It wasn't that he hadn't held her before--he'd held her often over the past few months as she'd needed a shoulder to cry on--but he couldn't remember her ever initiating the contact before.
He knew why he'd had to take back his declaration of love for her shortly after the whole Luthor fiasco, but in many ways he wished he hadn't. Maybe then he'd be free to hold her like this all the time, to be able to love her openly, and to tell her over and over again how much he loved her.
As it was, he'd had to settle for loving her in secret. He hated keeping his feelings for her to himself, but at least this way they could be together. He wasn't sure she would have stuck around if he'd tried to forge a relationship with her with her life in turmoil as it had been months ago.
No, it was better this way. Even if he hated it.
In a muffled voice, he heard her say, "I appreciate all you do for me, Clark. You're my best friend."
The words--heartfelt and meaningful--drove the hurt more painfully into his heart.
Best friend.
It should have been enough, but somehow it wasn't. He doubted it ever would be. Not when his feelings for her only continued to grow stronger every day.
Putting on a brave face when Lois pulled back and looked up at him, he forced a smile and tried to control the tremor in his voice. "I'm glad I could help," he managed before moving away, needing the distance to maintain his composure.
He took a few steps toward the door and she followed. "If you need me, you know where to find me," he said.
She nodded. "Thanks again, Clark."
Giving her a quick goodnight, he slipped out the door and hurried down the hall. The corners of his mouth tugged down into a frown as he exited the building and stepped out into the night. It was hard, this balancing act he was doing. He loved her and wanted to be there for her, but he also wanted to love her as she deserved to be loved. He wanted to be able to tell her that's how he felt. But he knew he couldn't.
He shook his head in despair. Sometimes he wished he had a superpower to help him fight the longings of his heart.
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Lois closed the door behind Clark and locked it, then moved back into the kitchen. Troubled, she furrowed her brow as she thought about Clark's expression when she'd moved out of his embrace. For a split second, she'd seen a look of frustration and despair in his eyes.
What had caused that? she fretted. She hadn't said something to hurt him, had she?
'I wouldn't be surprised,' the little voice in the back of her head piped up. 'You weren't exactly nice to him tonight.'
She sighed. She supposed that was true. It's just that the news of Lucy's engagement had come as such a shock to her. Clark had at least seemed happy about it.
Smiling and shaking her head, she started to wipe the counter clean and put away her cleaning supplies. Why wouldn't Clark be happy about it? He saw the good in everybody and believed in true love. She wouldn't have been surprised to discover that beneath that handsome, rugged exterior beat the heart of a hopeless romantic.
Of course he'd think the idea of Lucy falling in love and getting married was good. Only Clark could be so unjaded by the idea of love. But then, look at how he'd grown up. He'd had parents who loved him and loved each other. She'd seen that for herself and had been shocked to realize that people could be as happy as they were together.
Her experiences, however, were much, much different. She lived in the real world. A real world that dealt with divorce, betrayal, and hidden agendas disguised as love.
Love? No way. It may exist in small towns in Kansas, but here in the real world, it didn't exist.
With that last, depressing thought, Lois finished putting away the cleaning supplies and headed into her room. It was late, and she was tired. Tired of feeling down and discouraged, tired of feeling jaded by love, tired of everyone having their happiness but herself.
After changing into her pajamas and climbing into bed, she stared out of her bedroom window at the dark, night sky and envisioned the stars above she couldn't see for the city lights. Closing her eyes, she made a heartfelt wish on those stars--a wish for a better life...a life filled with happiness and love.
Even if love didn't really exist.
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