I wrote this in 23 minutes and then took another 5 to fix a few errors, so I am not sure this technically conforms to the rules of
the challenge , but I know all of you will have the grace to forgive me.
Also, I am not a very experienced writer, meaning that my ability to turn out fascinating, funny prose in such a short time isn't great, so please be kind with the feedback!
This was inspired by the following snippet from INPY:
CHURCH DEACON
Mrs. Lane? I have a message from
your daughter, Lucy?
ELLEN
Is she at the airport? Oh, God,
we've got to wait!
CINDY
Just my luck.
CHURCH DEACON
(to Ellen)
Well, not exactly.
LOIS
What?! Where is she?
CHURCH DEACON
Apparently, she was running late
for her plane and set off the metal
detector when she went through. I
guess she got a bit frustrated at
the delay.
CLARK
Here it comes.
CHURCH DEACON
She slugged a Security Guard.
She's in jail, and they won't hear
bail until Monday.
ELLEN
Your sister's going to be the death
of me, yet.
And now, without further delay, The Brassiere Incident:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lucy Lane had been standing in the security line at the airport for at least twenty minutes.
There had only been about ten people in front of her so it really shouldn’t have taken that long, but the guard was one of the particularly foul, pedantic sort. She was extremely thorough in her duties, making each traveler take off various pieces of clothing to point that they were lucky to escape with their dignity intact.
Lucy tapped her foot impatiently and glanced at the clock on the wall. Thank goodness she had made a point of being responsible for once; she still had fifteen minutes to get to her gate before the last boarding call, and she was next in line, so she should make it.
The woman waved Lucy forward but held up her hand just before she passed through the scanner.
“Stop, miss. Shoes in that crate.”
Lucy dropped her shoes, which she’d had the foresight to remove while waiting, in the crate.
“And the belt…”
But Lucy had anticipated that, too, and had her belt in the crate before the words were even out of the woman’s mouth. Her tote bag quickly joined it. She looked back up at the woman, who apparently was displeased at having her ability to give orders taken from her. Silently, with her lips pressed together unpleasantly, the woman waved her through.
Beep, beep!
Lucy looked down and let out a sigh. It was the buttons on her coat.
She backed through the scanner and dropped the coat in the crate. The woman seemed to take a perverse satisfaction in Lucy’s annoyance. Suddenly she was more cheerful. Lucy went through the gate again.
Beep, beep!
Damn! Lucy frantically patted down her body and found keys in her pocket. She tossed them in the crate and went through the gate a third time.
Beep, beep!
Aaaggghhh!
The woman was all but grinning now. Lucy glared at her as the guard waved her wand scanner over her body.
“I really don’t know what it is,” Lucy said. Suddenly the wand beeped near the upper part of Lucy’s body.
“Miss, is it possible you are wearing an underwire brassiere?” The woman’s voice was sickeningly sweet. She was enjoying this!
Lucy thought a second and nodded slowly. “Yes, but surely the machine isn’t that sensitive!”
The woman shrugged. “Not usually, but since we seem to be out of other options...”
“Well, what exactly do you expect me to do?”
The guard gave her a steady gaze. “Take it off, of course.”
“Take it off! I am not removing my underwear in a room full of people!” The nerve of the woman!
“Of course, you can go to the ladies room, but you will have to wait in line again.”
“No way! My last boarding call is in less than ten minutes!”
“Up to you, of course, miss, but I can’t allow you through as long as you are setting off the scanner.”
Lucy studied the woman for a few seconds. Suddenly, without a word, she grabbed the crate with her belongings and ran through the scanner again – Beep, beep! – and towards the hall leading to the airline gates.
Suddenly a hand grabbed Lucy’s arm and spun her around, causing the crate to go flying and her belongings to scatter around the room.
“Miss! What do you think you are doing?!”
Lucy didn’t stop to think. She let out a right hook that dropped the woman like a stone.
Within seconds, Lucy had joined her on the floor as she was handcuffed by the airport police. She laid her forehead on the dirty airport floor and couldn’t help but smile. Obviously the maid of honor thing was out the door, but that had been worth it.
Then her smiled faded and she sighed. Her mother was going to kill her.
