Preface: This is really goofy, even for me. I got kind of bored earlier today and dreamt this piece of insanity up.
The ending was inspired by LaraMoon’s “Cut From the Same Cape” and Classicalla’s “The Yellow Towel”.
To help understand this story, the “Justice League” is a fictional organization of superheroes in DC comics, an organization in which Superman usually plays a prominent role. Basically, lots of different superheroes team up to face problems together.
I kind of started wondering what the Justice League might look like in L&C, somehow I ended up thinking of this.
****
Clark sat at the conference table with his back respectfully straightened. This was a solemn occasion - today, the formation of the Justice League would be made official with the signing of its charter. His mind reeled at the magnitude of the event. Assembled in this very room were all of the greatest superheroes that the world had ever seen. Soon, they would sign a document binding them together in future cooperation to uphold certain legal and ethical principles for the good of humanity.
He felt incredibly privileged to be present among such company, and even more so to be given the honor of being the final signatory to the charter. Clark watched as the Justice League’s guiding principles were passed clockwise around the table. This was history in the making!
After Clark had signed, he handed the document over to his left to Batman, who, as the officiator of the ceremony, sat at the head of the table. As Batman graciously accepted the paper, cheers and applause broke out among the superheroes in the room.
Batman looked down at the piece of paper he held in his hands and narrowed his eyes. He raised a gloved hand for silence. For some reason, the Dark Knight did not look too happy.
“Superman, *please* don’t tell me that this is your real name.” Batman fixed Clark with a menacing gaze that would strike apprehension into anyone, even Superman.
The roomful of superheroes collectively held their breath. Surely Superman, the one accounted to be the greatest among them, could not possibly be such a dork?
Batman firmly jabbed his finger at where the name “Clark Kent” appeared between “Flash” and “Green Lantern”. He growled, “We have to show this to the public!”
Clark’s eyes widened as he recognized the problem. “But I thought – you mean we’re not going to keep it locked and sealed?”
Batman slapped a hand to his cowled forehead. “No! Now we have to meet here tomorrow after I procure another charter for us! Do you have *any idea* how much this type of letterhead *costs*??”
Immediately, the Hall of Justice became filled with the groans and complaints of disgruntled superheroes.
“Oh boy, stationery like that…I’m glad Batman’s footing the bill.” the other billionaire, Green Arrow, muttered to himself under his breath.
“Geez, did you think that you were the *only* one with a secret identity?” Flash whined.
“Hey, not all of us have super-speed! It’s a three hour drive here for me!” That came from Black Canary.
“You were *supposed* to sign it ‘Superman’! It’s more professional that way!” bellowed Green Lantern.
The Martian Manhunter simply closed his eyes while he let out a long-suffering sigh.
Clark stretched his mouth apologetically as he slunk a bit lower in his chair. Oh, boy. He would have suggested using whiteout, but somehow he got the impression that such a suggestion would not be received too kindly.
****
“Hey, Superman! Batman told me to give you a heads up! We’re pooling all of our B-574 forms tomorrow!”
Clark turned around to face the speaker. It was Booster Gold.
“B-574 forms?” he asked quizzically.
“Yeah, you know – those forms that you have people sign when they discover your secret identity? Geez, man, did you just decide to put on a suit one day?”
Apparently, it was common practice among superheroes to have people sign legally binding contracts to not divulge their secret identities. It was necessary to ensure operational security – it wouldn’t do to have, say, a vengeful ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend out there. There were no exceptions.
Since most superheroes had worked alone up until now, they had mostly drafted their own versions of the forms, which had been commonly dubbed “B-574 forms” in superhero circles.
“Oh yeah, *those* forms! Yeah, no problem Booster, just tell Batman that I just need to pick them up from home and I’ll have them here tomorrow!” Clark grinned as he slapped his colleague on the back.
****
<Whew, so far so good> Clark thought as he flew home. He had been scrambling all day to collect signatures for all of the B-574 forms that he needed to have ready by tomorrow.
Becky hadn’t been a problem – she had even introduced him to Woody’s new body while she had signed the Justice League paperwork. Apparently, he had been able to switch bodies with a dog right before his original body had died. Since then, they had decided that it would be better for him to inhabit a chimpanzee’s body.
He had felt kind of awkward approaching his parents and his father-in-law with the forms, but they had signed without protest as well. His mother had remarked that it was just like signing his permission slips for those field trips back when he was in elementary school.
No, the person he was most worried about was Lois. He wasn’t quite sure how she would react. Unable to think of any other way to ask his wife to sign the form, Clark decided to take the easy way out.
When he got home, he left one of the forms on the counter with a note. The note read, “Honey, could you *please* fill out this form? I *really* need it for the Justice League. I love you. -Clark”
****
“Excuse me, what is this?”
Clark Jerome Kent cowered beneath his wife’s unamused stare. “Uh, honey, don’t take this the wrong way…it’s just standard procedure…”
“That you’ll *SUE* me if I reveal your secret identity?? I’m your *wife* - don’t you trust me??” Lois demanded as she waved the offending document in her husband’s face.
“No, No, of course I do! It’s just that…there are *regulations* on what have to be on these things!
“Regulations, huh? Now just let me take a look at these so-called *regulations*…” Lois said thoughtfully, with a determined look on her face.
****
Clark sighed as he stood in line behind his fellow Justice League members to turn in his B-574 forms. It had taken him a while to reword the contract to Lois’s satisfaction, but in the end, she had agreed to sign it. Still, he had intentionally made sure that he was last in line, wanting to put off having to face the forms inspector for as long as possible.
Wally West, also known as the Flash, was serving in that capacity. As he collected the forms from the various superheroes, he quickly checked over them once at light speed to make sure that everything was kosher.
The corners of his mouth quirked up into an amused smile when he read Lois’s form. Clark cringed as he awaited the younger man’s ridicule. <And in return, the concerned party shall receive Superman’s complete and unquestioning obedience in all public and private matters. Furthermore, Superman is henceforth forbidden to even *think* about looking at another woman.>
However, when the Flash lifted his eyes up from what they were reading, they contained only sympathy.
“Oh man, I know how it is. C’mon, let’s go down to the bar and I’ll buy you a drink…” he said, putting a comforting arm around Clark’s shoulder.
Clark sighed again. Why did a superhero organization have to involve so much paperwork?
****
“OK, the purpose of this meeting is to discuss contingency measures. As you are all no doubt aware, if one of us is ever hypnotized, brainwashed, or otherwise turned to evil while in the line of duty, that person could seriously compromise security.” Green Lantern said as he addressed the Justice League.
“So, we need to have proper procedures in place to neutralize any of our members, should it become necessary. To that end, I want each and every one of you to compile a report detailing how the rest of the League would go about neutralizing you. You know your own weaknesses better than anyone else – I want everything! Physical and emotional weaknesses, networks of informants, safehouses – the works!”
“I expect your reports at my desk by no later than a week from tomorrow. They will be sealed and not read by anyone, including myself, until a situation should arise such that they would be needed. And *this time*, I want you all to limit yourself to the following selections of fonts – Times New Roman, Arial, and MS Sans Serif. And no funny colors either – only black this time!” The intergalactic peacekeeper glared at Booster Gold as he finished his specifications.
Clark joined in the chorus of groans. Not more paperwork…
****
Clark frowned as he stared at his report. So far, besides the title “How to Stop Superman” he had only typed up the word “Kryptonite”. Well, that didn’t give the League a whole lot to go on. For one thing, he didn’t know if the Justice League would even be able to get a hold of that extremely rare element. And even if they did, how would they get it close enough to him? He’d better think of something else to add, if he wanted to show that he was taking the assignment seriously.
<If I were trying to take over the world, what could change my mind?> Of course! He quickly typed his idea up, adding details as he thought of them. If the Justice League got to Lois before he did, they could use her as a hostage to ensure his good behavior. Clark had always been worried about criminals using Lois to get to Superman – he had never even considered the possibility that it might be useful for the good guys to do the same thing.
But wait a minute…the Justice League might not be willing to threaten her – that might go too deeply against their ethics, regardless of the seriousness of the situation. Hmm, better put down a Plan B, too. Well, if they could get Lois close enough to him, making sure that she confronted him alone, with a piece of hidden kryptonite…No, no, that was no good at all. Clark replaced “piece of hidden kryptonite” with “black teddy.” Yes, that would be much more persuasive. Better to not take any chances.
Pleased with the way that his report was turning out, Clark decided to take a quick bathroom break. While he was in the bathroom, he heard his wife’s voice calling out to him.
“Clark? Where are the notes for our new story? Oh, never mind, I found them- HEY! NOW YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE, BUSTER!”
Uh oh.
****
“Superman, are you *sure* that this is good enough? I mean, this report feels kind of light.” Green Lantern said as he looked suspiciously at Clark.
Clark winced. “I’m sure.” he croaked nervously.
Oh, he was definitely not going to try to take over the world anytime soon. Not after Lois had decided to write his report for him, grinning evilly at him the whole while.
Knowing exactly what would keep Superman on his best behavior, Lois had enclosed a baby picture of Clark that showed his bare bottom peeking out from behind a towel, with a note that said “Threaten to copy and circulate.”
Yes, Superman was not one to trifle with consequences such as those.
****
