Thanks again go out to Alisha and Beth - who turned this around rather quickly
.
Comments appreciated.
Carol [who actually wrote some A plot, all by herself, yesterday]
*****
Chapter 18
*****
Clark wasn't sure what exactly was going on, but something wasn't right. It seemed like only minutes before, he'd stopped a brutal sexual assault on his wife and now she was standing in front of him, wearing the tank top he'd bought her and pajama pants and, he was sure, the new bra and underwear he'd bought her too.
"You, Clark. I want you."
She brought her hand rest on his chest and then moved downward onto his stomach until it stopped just above his belly button.
"I thought you wanted me too."
There were words coming out of her mouth, but it was completely opposite of what he'd expected. She wanted him? It had been less than 2 hours since she was being assaulted in the conference room and now she wanted *him*?
He felt her hand behind his neck and she pulled him closer. He could feel her breath on his skin. He watched as she closed her eyes and then felt her lips on his.
Her heart was beating like a trip hammer and in the second after she initiated the kiss, he saw tears begin to leak out of the corners of her eyes.
He moved his hands to her waist, and as gently as he could, pushed her away from him while he took a step back.
"What are you doing?"
She looked up at him, tears continuing to stream down her cheeks. "Don't you want me?"
"What are you talking about?"
He felt her grab one of his hands and he willingly let her move it from her waist. He wouldn't hold on to her if she didn't want him to.
But she didn't release it and step back like he expected her to. Instead he found her moving his hand until it was resting on her breast.
"Don't you want to touch me? Don't you want to be with me?"
And quickly as he could without hurting her, he took his hand away and took a larger step back.
"What are you doing, Lois?"
"You saw me naked tonight."
He took a deep breath. "Yes, I did, but I swear..."
She interrupted him before he could tell her that he'd tried to look as little as he could while he redressed her.
"You said it, Clark. Remember?"
"What did I say?" He had no idea what he was talking about.
She took a step towards him – a very shaky step. He took another step back.
"You came barreling into that room and said 'Get your hands off my wife'. Not 'Get your hands off Lois' or 'Get your hands off her', but 'Get your hands off my wife'."
"That's what I said, but I don't understand..." He was trying to understand, really he was, but he had no idea where she was going with this. She was his wife. Of course he wouldn't want someone else assaulting her. He didn't want anyone to have to go through that, much less the woman he loved more than life itself.
"'My wife'. Staking your claim."
"What?" His claim?
"Then he asked if you knew I liked it rough."
"He was hurting you."
She continued walking towards him and he continued to walk backwards away from her.
"How do you know that's not how I like it? We've never been together. Is that why you've never even tried to have sex with me?"
"What on earth are you talking about?"
"You've never tried to get me in bed to do anything but sleep."
"You never wanted me to. I would never force you into that. I promised you that when I proposed to you and I meant it."
"What if I wanted you to force the issue? Did you ever consider that?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. Why on earth would I force you?" Had that maniac slipped her something in her drink? Had she gone mad? Why would she even consider that he might want to force her into sex with him?
"How many other women were there?"
"What?" He felt like he'd been slapped. Other women?
She stopped walking towards him and wrapped her arms around herself.
They'd made a full circle and he was standing on one side of the blanket and she on the other.
"How many other women were there? Besides Mayson?"
"What about Mayson?" And what on earth did she have to do with anything.
"How long after we got married did you start sleeping with her?"
"What?" He shook his head as though to clear it. What on earth was she talking about? Sleeping with Mayson? He'd gone out of his way to make sure they were never alone together.
"Is that why you left me sitting there the night I told you I'd changed my name?"
"What?" He remembered the night vividly, but he hadn't met Mayson until months after that night. "I didn't meet Mayson until the next spring, Lois, and I..."
"Then who was it?"
"Who was what?" He'd had trouble following her tangents before, but this was getting ridiculous.
"Who were you sleeping with when I told you I'd changed my name?"
He didn't have time to respond before she went on.
"Before that, every time - *every* time – I told you I wasn't sure we could make it, that this marriage would last, you were so quick to reassure me that somehow, someway, we'd beat the odds. We'd make a teen marriage work. We wouldn't be a statistic. But that night, you left me sitting there. You left and you went and took a long shower – you never took a long shower, Clark, ever. You took a long shower and you left me sitting there. I waited for you to come talk to me but you didn't. You went to bed. You left me. Just like my mother did. Just like my father did. You'd always been so convincing when you talked about how I was the only one for you and then you left. Not physically, but you left. There was another woman by then, wasn't there? And I want to know who she was."
Clark felt sucker punched. He literally stumbled back until he tripped on something and landed flat on the ground. "You thought I left you? You thought I was cheating on you?"
"Tell me, Clark, if I'd thrown myself at you before that – say on prom night – would you still have gone looking for that sexual release somewhere else? Would I have been enough for you? You *promised* me I was more important than that, but you just meant that as long as you could get it somewhere else, it didn't really matter if I slept with you. So if I had thrown myself at you that night – if I'd come out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a robe like I did the night we got married and I stood in front of you and took it off, would you have slept with me?"
"What?"
"Really, Clark, for a guy who wants to be a journalist, you need to learn some new words. I want to know if I would have been enough. If you'd been able to have sex with me whenever you wanted, would you still have gone looking for greener pastures?"
"Greener pastures?" Clark thought for sure the professor must have slipped her something because she wasn't making any sense. He looked at the ground and took a deep breath, but she spoke again before he could.
"Did you bring any of them here?"
The sudden change of tone made Clark's head snap up. Her voice had gotten so small and she looked like a lost little girl, shivering in the cold Colorado spring air.
"My God, Lois. What did he do to you?" he said softly.
"He tried to rape me, Clark. I swear I've never slept with him. I've never slept with anyone."
She sounded like a little girl, searching for approval, pleading with her parent or someone to believe her – that she really hadn't done something wrong; she really hadn't taken the cookies out of the cookie jar or cut her sister's hair.
In a blur of wind, he'd wrapped the robe back around her and sat her down on the edge of the blanket closest to the fire. He sat as far away from her as he could, giving her space, and still be on the blanket and look at her.
"Lois, can you look at me?" he asked softly.
"No," she answered even more quietly. Without enhanced hearing he probably wouldn't have heard it.
"I know he tried to hurt you, to rape you. He's lucky he's still alive."
"Because he tried to take what's yours. Your wife," she said bitterly.
"No. I mean, yes, but no. I love you and you are my wife and I would never want anyone to hurt you for any reason. Rape isn't about sex; it's about power and pain and when I saw him hurting you, I wanted to kill him. Not because I have some intrinsic power or authority over you, but because I love you and I never want to see you hurt. Do I want to be the only one to ever touch you, to make love with you? God, yes, but I would never force myself on you and I would never betray you."
He watched her stare at the edge of the tie on her robe, playing with it for long minutes.
"Did you promise me your fidelity, Clark?"
"What?"
"Our wedding vows. Do you remember them?"
"Of course. I remember the entire day like it was yesterday."
"Did you promise me your fidelity?"
"Of course."
"What did you say, exactly?"
He quickly searched his memory for the exact words. "I said I would forsake all others and keep myself only unto you."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I promised never to be with anyone but you until the day one of us died." Could she not hear that he meant it?
"Define 'be'."
"Sex, Lois. Making love. Whatever you want to call it, I promised never to it with anyone but you."
"Then I want a divorce."
Clark sat there for a minute, shocked by the sudden turn in the conversation and sure he couldn't have heard her right. And the hard edge her voice had taken shocked him as well. When she didn't say anything, he asked, "You want a what?"
"A divorce, Clark. I'm sure we've been married too long for an annulment and without an invasive exam I refuse to take, there is no way anyone would believe that we never had sex anyway."
"Lois, I told you a very long time ago that divorce wasn't an option; that we could work anything out and you agreed with me. What changed? On what grounds do you want a divorce?" Clark felt like his heart was being ripped in two.
"Infidelity."
"Excuse me?"
"Infidelity, Clark. You knew what my father did to me, to my family and you slept around anyway. I read his vows, Clark, when I got back from camp and just like he told my mom, he never promised to be faithful to her, but you just said you did promise to be faithful to me and you broke that promise."
Clark could only stare at her, stunned. He moved until he was sitting directly between her and the fire, but careful not to touch her. "Lois, look at me." She didn't move. "Look at me. You know I can outwait you."
After a long moment, she finally raised her eyes to his.
The pain he saw there, the betrayal and the rejection was almost too much. Tears sprang to his own eyes.
"I don't know if I believe there is a God, Lois, but if there is, as God is my witness, I have never been with another woman. Ever. There was no one before we got married and there hasn't been anyone since. I told you on prom night that there was only one woman I ever wanted to share my bed and that was you. Whether it's to sleep or make love, there is only one woman in this world for me and that's you, I swear it."
"How do I know I can believe you?" He could see the tears start again.
"I don't know how to prove it to you, Lois, but I've never had sex with anyone. I saved myself for you from the time you ran into me in that line eight years ago. I knew then I was going to spend my life with you and even though I dated some in high school, I always knew you were the only one I'd ever get serious with. Call Lana. Hell, I'll take you to see her if you want, but I never even kissed her. She kissed me a couple of times and I might have kissed her back, just a little, but that's it. There were no heavy make-out sessions behind the Dairy Freeze or on her parents' couch when they weren't home – and believe me, she tried to make sure there were plenty of opportunities for us to be alone, but never has there been anyone but you. I gave Rachel a kiss on the cheek when I took her home after prom. Some girl propositioned me when we went to prom together and I turned her down flat. She tried to get me to take her number in case I changed my mind, but I turned and left her standing there. And I know your friends told you about that." She nodded slightly. "There's never been anyone but you."
"What about Mayson?" She looked at the ground and her voice was small again.
"What about her? There's never been anything between me and Mayson, Lois."
"I saw you with her."
"When?"
"The day you said you met her. I saw you and she had her hand on your arm and you were both laughing."
"Is that why you didn't come to lunch that day?"
She nodded.
"She said something funny. I don't even remember what it was. I think she was making fun of our Poli Sci professor."
"Did you tell her you were married?"
Clark shook his head sadly. "Not that day, no. We talked on the way to lunch. She'd asked for my help with Political Science and I told her that I didn't have much time to do study groups and tutoring because of my course load and the papers and working to help support my family. I mentioned you and Lucy, but I never said you were my wife."
"Oh."
"Two days later, she asked me if I wanted to go to a movie on campus. I told her I'd have to ask you if we had plans and see if you wanted to go. She told me she didn't want to be rude, but she didn't want my sister on our date."
"Your sister?"
"Yeah. I was taking a drink and soda literally came out my nose. Any loose papers or napkins in the cafeteria went flying from the wind gust. I told her nothing could ever happen between me and her because I was very married and very much in love with my wife. She asked why I didn't wear a ring and I told her what happened with it and she backed off, Lois. She's been a friend, nothing more. And not even really a friend. Most of our conversations revolved around classes, rarely anything personal. You knew more about me in the first week of camp than she does after two years, Lois."
"Really?"
"I swear. Look at me." Clark reached out slowly and carefully, and with one finger lifted Lois' chin until he could see her. "Remember those letters from my mom?"
Lois nodded, but pulled back from his touch.
"In the engagement one, she said something I took to heart. That I should never be alone with another woman because even the appearance of infidelity can ruin a marriage. I was never alone with her, ever. We were always in public – at the caf or in the library in full view of anyone who walked by or wherever and usually with other people – we were never alone together. Ever. I promise. Can you believe me?"
"What about the pictures?"
"What pictures?"
"I saw you. You came in, dug around in our desk on campus and took out a picture of Mayson and then left. I looked. There were two other pictures of you two. One eating lunch and one sitting under a tree near the library. It was taken on a Chinese Monday and we were supposed to meet for lunch but my English prof wanted to see me. You would have had no time to be sitting under a tree that day without either standing me up – and you told me you'd waited for me – or skipping class and you never skipped class. But that day you would have had to and the only reason I could come up with was because spending time with your..." He watched her pause to take a deep breath. "... girlfriend was important enough to skip class over. And the way you were sitting..." She stared at her hands. "She was wearing a tank top and lying on the grass and it sure looked like you were looking right down her shirt."
Clark tried desperately to think of the day she was talking about. He hadn't gone to that area often, but it wasn't coming to him. Suddenly, he thought he remembered. "Wait. Was it about two years ago – in March, the first really nice day of the spring?"
She nodded.
"Oh, Lois," he said sadly. "My Poli Sci class was canceled that day. I would have looked for you but I knew you were in biology. Is that when you first thought I was having an affair with her?"
She shook her head. "No. I only suspected you might be before then. I saw you two together a couple of times and you always looked so... comfortable together. What did you need with the picture, Clark? The one you took?"
"Her mom wanted a recent picture of her for some scrapbook or something and I remembered I'd seen one in that stack. I wasn't about to give her one of the ones the two of us were in, even if they were completely innocent. That's all it was." He thought for a minute. "That was the day you came home sick, wasn't it?"
Lois nodded. "That was the day I *knew* you were having an affair. I threw up in the conference room and Paul sent me home. That was the day I knew you were just like my father and one day you'd leave me and Lucy just like he had."
Clark didn't think his heart could hurt anymore than it already did, but that cut him to the quick. "Lois, if I had known it bothered you, I would have told her that I couldn't see her anymore at all, for any reason, but, at most, she was a friend and I tried to be so careful that no one would think anything was going on with her." Something else dawned on him. "Is that why you never pushed for more compatible schedules at the newspapers?"
She nodded.
"I’m never going to leave you. I promise."
"Then why did you that night?"
"What night? The night you told me about your name?"
She nodded.
"Oh, honey, I was tired that night. I hadn't been sleeping well and I was just exhausted – and that's pretty unusual for me and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I went to take a shower and the hot water just felt so good that I took a long one. I figured you'd be in bed by the time I was done, but you weren't. I thought you'd come in when you heard me and we could talk, but you didn't and I fell asleep before I really realized you weren't coming. And while I was in the shower I'd finally realized something."
"What?" she asked.
"That nothing I could say could convince you that I wasn't going anywhere and the only thing I could do was just to not leave. That if I stuck around long enough maybe you'd finally believe me when I said that I wouldn't leave you for anything or anyone. That the only thing that could make me leave was you telling me you wanted out."
"I told you I wanted out a little while ago and you didn't listen."
"Because you were basing your decision on false assumptions, not facts. Weren't you?"
She nodded through her tears.
They sat there for long minutes.
"Clark," she finally asked, in that small voice. "Would you hold me? Please?"
"Always." He moved behind her and sat down, making sure to move slowly and not startle her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him as her tears began again.
*****
Fresh tears streamed down Lois' face and she clung to Clark like a lifeline. She had no idea how much time had passed when she finally had cried herself out.
She sat, safe in the circle of Clark's arms. How could she have thought they felt like she was trapped? Here she was safe from everything, from everyone.
"Lois," Clark said quietly. "Can I ask you something?"
"Can I decide not to answer if I'm not ready?"
"Of course."
She nodded her assent.
"What happened tonight?"
Lois was confused. Did he not realize what he'd walked in on?
"Not before, but here. What were you trying to do?"
Oh. That. "Something stupid and foolish."
"Can you tell me?"
"I can try. Now that I've calmed down a bit and now that I know the truth that you weren't having an affair with..." She took a deep breath and just said it. "... Mayson or anyone else, it seems even more foolish." She stared at the fire for a minute. "While I was in the bathroom, staring at the new clothes you'd bought me something my mom said once came back to me; that when a woman got married her husband felt that her body belonged to him – that he had exclusive, unlimited rights to her body – but that he was free to sleep with whoever he wanted."
"Lois..."
"Please, just let me say this."
"Okay."
She felt his arms tighten slightly, in what she hoped was support.
"I wrote it off to the alcohol because she was drunk and even tonight I did for a minute, but then another memory came screaming back to me. I don't know if you realize this, Clark, but there's a lot about my childhood and my teen years that I've never told you. There was no abuse or anything like that, but certainly some degree of neglect. I guess the term I'd use is repressed. I've repressed a lot of it and I keep it all in this little box in my head and lock it up tight. There are very few things that make it unlock without me doing it deliberately. One of those times was that day I threw up in the conference room. Everything seemed so familiar that I just knew you were having an affair and that you'd leave me and Lucy eventually and I tried to figure out how I could make it on my own and if they'd let me keep Lucy if we weren't together anymore. I couldn't figure out anything that didn't require me using the inheritance which I was still convinced I wanted to save for Lucy so I decided that if you could pretend everything was fine, I could too. I could stick it out until we were done with college and Lucy was out of high school and then I'd let you go.
"Tonight was another night that a couple of memories came out of that box. One is what my mom said and the other was a conversation they had the night before I left for camp. It finally hit me tonight that my mom didn't throw my dad out because he cheated on her. He left because he thought she'd been flirting with a neighbor. He never came right out and said what my mom had, but he did say that while her wedding vows had said something about being faithful, his hadn't. I read them after I got back from camp and he was right. He'd never promised to be faithful to my mother. I tried desperately to remember what we vowed to each other, but I couldn't. I don't remember much about that day until after we got home. I was sure I'd promised to be faithful to you, but I couldn't remember if you'd promised the same thing."
"I did, and I meant it."
"I think I'm starting to understand that, but earlier... all I could think was what my mom and dad had said and..." She took a deep breath. "Clark, I've calmed down and I’m being more rational, but I wasn't earlier and this may not actually make sense when I’m rational but at the time..."
"It's okay, honey. But I do want to try to understand."
She nodded. "All I could think about was that you would think that my body belonged to you and that you would expect me to be faithful to you but you could be with whoever you wanted." She took a deep breath. "You saw me naked, and then he said something about how didn't you know this was how I liked it and all I could think was that you would take that to mean that I'd been with him before and you'd be mad at me for not ever having sex with you and that you'd want to stake your claim on me, on my body, now that you thought I'd been with someone else and that the only way to try to make sure that it hurt as little as possible was to take the initiative – to give myself to you rather than wait for you to take me.
"And then you were rejecting me. Just like my dad rejected me because I wasn't a boy or for another woman. Just like my mom rejected me in favor of a bottle. And I lashed out. I wanted to know if I'd been having sex with you all along if you'd still have gone to other women. And I wanted to know how many other women there were and how long after our wedding it started, because the only other reason you would be rejecting me was if you didn't find me attractive, if you didn't want me that way. I wanted to know if you'd told any of them about you, if you'd brought them here." Her voice trailed off. She sat up suddenly and turned to look at him. "Clark, please tell me you know that I never slept with him; that he was assaulting me."
She saw him carefully reach one hand towards her until it rested on her cheek. "I know. I know you never slept with him and I know he was trying to take advantage of you, to rape you and that if I'd been a couple of minutes later, he would have. I've never doubted your fidelity, Lois, and I am so sorry that I ever gave you any reason at all to doubt mine."
"Then why did you ask what he did to me?" She looked down at her hands as she spoke.
"I didn't mean tonight. I meant your dad. When you asked me if I'd brought anyone here, you looked so lost and so scared and like a little girl looking for approval or something and I couldn't even begin to imagine what Sam had done to you to make you like that. I think I'm starting to understand, a little, and I can't say that I'm sorry he's gone so that he can't hurt you anymore. I’m only sorry that the things he did to you in the past are still haunting you."
She moved back into his arms and they sat for long minutes.
"I wasn't the first one," she said with sudden clarity.
"What?"
"I wasn't the first one he did this to."
"Who? Paul?"
She nodded.
"How do you know?"
"I just do. He was too good. He said no one would believe me – not with his reputation versus mine. That everyone knew we'd worked late together sometimes and that everyone knew you were having an affair and that I was a fool for letting it go on under my nose and that no one would believe me. He was too practiced. He targeted me because he thought I'd let him and he'd get away with it."
Clark chuckled.
Lois tried to pull away from him.
"No, honey, I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you. I'm just thinking how little he actually knows Lois Lane-Kent."
"Because I'm not going to let him get away with it?"
"Are you?"
She shook her head, with sudden determination. "He's done it before and he'll do it again if someone doesn't stop him."
"And that someone is going to be you?"
She shook her head again, still safe in the circle of his arms. "We are. If you'll help me that is."
"Nothing would make me happier than to take him down. You have no idea how close I came to finding out how strong I really am."
Lois turned to look at him, a new softness in her eyes. "Clark, I'm so glad you didn't. You did what was necessary and no more and I'm glad you didn't find out exactly how strong you really are. Tackling him and even knocking him out as a result was justifiable, but if he'd died... I couldn't lose you, too, Clark."
Tears began to stream down her cheeks again.
"I'm not going to lose you, too, am I, Clark?"
She felt his arms tighten around her again.
"You could never lose me, Lois. Never. And I promise I'm going to stick around until you finally believe it."
*****
TBC
