Okay, okay, don't lynch me. It's been a long week and I've been agonizing over part of this chapter and the chapter that I've been working on has been like pulling teeth until Carolyn finally broke the logjam for me with comments that she made on Tuesday [? I think] but they had to roll around in the ol' noggin until last night and I finally started making some progress. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing however. Thanks also go to Carolyn for helping me plot one that is tentatively called "On the Other Hand". I had *one* scene pop into my head fully formed and I figured if I got it down 'on paper', I could focus on LtL again because it kept pushing it's way to the front. But no. It's now something like 75 pages longer than it was [I already had about 25 pages done], but inspiration struck yesterday that connects another vignette I'd worked on a while ago to it as back story and makes some of the character motivations make SO much more sense. Don't you love it when things come together?
Anyway, I *finally* made some progress on LtL yesterday and I've *finally* decided about a snippet of conversation in this chapter. I've cut it out. Labby said she'd allow it on the archive but only because of precedent set in Becky Bain's In A Dark Time - but that she wouldn't allow the text in question there if it was submitted now either. It's not the way this was written or that it's explicit or anything like [I don't think it could get any more unexplicit and still have them talking] that but rather that the topic in and of itself is always nfic in her mind and since she's the venerable Rat-in-Chief...
. I discussed it with 4 betas who agreed that it's not necessary for the story but neither was it superfluous - it does show some of the growth of their relationship. It's a total of about 400 words out of the nearly 5700 in this chapter, but I'm taking them out. And I don't do nfic so this was a fairly difficult decision for me - I had no idea that the topic itself was considered that or I wouldn't have written it in the first place
. Ah, well. Life goes on and so must the story.
All that said, they do discuss the attack here so... it's probably well into the PG-13 range.
Thanks, as always to Alisha and Beth, and to Anon/Nancy and Carolyn who have also jumped on board!!
*****
Chapter 33
*****
How was he?
Regardless of how he actually was, what could she handle to hear? If he said he was fine... If he said he was a mess...
Was he fine? If he was fine, then was it like he hadn't been affected at all? Would that tell her that he was indifferent to her? To her pain?
Was he a mess? If he was a mess, then wouldn't that put additional pressure on her to be fine? Only one of them could be a mess at a time? The other had to be fine?
To be completely honest, he hadn't really thought too much about how *he* was doing. Sure, Wayne had asked him and so had Perry a couple days earlier, but...
He'd told Perry that there were things that he couldn't share about how the attack on Lois had affected him because it would mean violating Lois' confidence.
But this was Lois. She knew all of this. She knew that it was the first time he'd seen her body, and even though, as he'd told her, he never intentionally tried to remember what he saw, he did. He did remember and he tried not to dwell on it.
She was waiting for him to answer.
"I'm..." He started slowly. "...okay, I guess. I haven't really thought about me with all of this too much. Wayne and Perry both asked me that and I hadn't thought about it too much then and I still haven't. I'm much more concerned about you and how you're doing."
They sat in silence for a few more minutes, watching a ship make its way through the harbor. He wasn't sure she was satisfied with that answer. Or if she was happy with it. He stretched his legs out and propped them up on the railing, crossing one ankle over the other.
"Do you think we lost something that night?" she finally said.
"You? Or us?"
"Us."
"Maybe. Probably."
"What do you think it was?"
"Innocence?"
She didn't respond to that.
"I know your life hadn't been easy even up to that point, but none of it – at least as far as I know – had been physical."
She shook her head. "No, there was never any physical abuse or anything like that growing up."
"I'm glad. I think maybe we lost that idea that 'it can never happen to us', the belief that we're invincible."
"*You* are," she said quietly.
There it was. Was that the crux of all of this? Did she believe that he couldn't be hurt? Nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, he hadn't been hurt physically in a long time, but his heart... his heart could hurt like hell.
"No," he said in equally quiet tones. "I'm not invincible. Physically, there may not be much that can hurt me these days, but that's not the same as invincible. I can hurt, you should know that. You were there with me in Colorado when we saw the explosion. You can't believe that didn't hurt."
She didn't respond to that directly. "So we lost our innocence that night?"
"That's part of it. And even though he didn't finish what he started, he still ruined that for us too. Not in the sense that we won't ever be able to be together, someday, and that it won't be wonderful, but in the sense that we should only be like that together, with each other, and now..." he let his thought trail off, unspoken
"Now I'll always know what it's like to feel another man kiss me or to feel his hands on my breasts or take my pants off," she said bitterly.
He hadn't known that he'd kissed her or... fondled her. It didn't surprise him, but he still hadn't known for sure. "Exactly."
"Does that bother you?"
"That he did those things to you?"
"To know that another man kissed me and touched me and saw me naked."
There was something unspoken in what she said and how she said it, but he wasn’t sure what it was. Was that something he should ask her? To explain what she meant? Or just answer the question at face value? Why wasn't there some kind of step by step guide to tell him what he should do?
"Yes, it bothers me. It bothers me to think you might carry that memory with you for the rest of your life. It bothers me that, when we do make love someday, you'll see him sometimes; that when I touch you, you'll feel him sometimes. That nothing I can do, no matter how many times I show you how much I love you, I'll never be able to erase that completely from your mind. Is that what you mean?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"You guess?" He looked at her as she just stared over the water, still curled underneath the poncho liner. "You still aren't sure we'll ever be together like that, are you?"
"It's hard for me to think that I'll be ready for that someday," she told him. "I hope I am. I want to be. But... still so close to all of this... it's hard to see that."
More long minutes passed before Clark spoke again. "I think he also took something very special from us."
"What?"
"I mean, if... we'd been together before, even if it wasn’t regularly, even if it had only happened on our wedding night or prom night or whenever and then decided that it was too much for now... *I'm* the one who should have been the *first* one to touch you like that, and then even if this had still happened, you'd have the memory of me, too. Instead of just him." He took a deep breath, willing his emotions back under control. "And I hope that the memories of me would have been good ones."
If he was being completely truthful with himself, it made him furious that Paul had taken that from them. He couldn't let her see that though. If he thought about it long enough, it almost made him want to cry that someone had taken that from them. And it really made him want to say things his mom would have washed his mouth out with soap for. Loudly. And with emphasis. While hitting something.
And sometimes he wished that he had someone that he could vent all of this to without betraying Lois' confidence. He couldn't burden her with all of this.
"If I had told you one of those nights that I wanted to have sex with you, would we have?"
"If you had told me and meant it? Or if you had told me because you thought that's what I wanted?"
"Either."
"If you said it because you thought it's what I wanted to hear, then I don't think so. If you had meant it? Then I don't know why we wouldn't have. You know it's something I want someday and if you had too... what would have stopped us?"
"Nothing, I guess." She refused to look at him, even now.
"If you'd really wanted it too, would that have been a bad thing?" He wasn't sure how it could have been.
"I guess not." She was quiet, thinking. "If we had... If we hadn’t stopped on our wedding night and we'd gotten... carried away rather than some rational decision or whatever, would you have been okay with not... doing that again if that's what I wanted?"
He thought for a moment himself. "It would have been... more difficult, I think, but it's your body and I'd have to respect your wishes. But at the same time, I would have hoped that it would have been good enough that you'd want to keep doing it."
"We were teenagers, Clark. I've heard enough first time stories from my friends to know that it probably would have been awkward at best and quite possibly painful."
She had a point. It would have been completely foreign territory for both of them. "Maybe. But I guess I would have hoped that it was good enough, overall, to want to keep trying it until it was great."
"Maybe."
It had been a night of long silences and another one was upon them. Lois finally broke it. "You said the last time you saw the whales was when Aunt Louise died."
He nodded.
"When was the last time you went and didn't see them?"
He sighed and thought about it. When had it been? Would knowing it hadn't been fairly recent make her feel better or worse? "I'm not sure. February, maybe. March. Something like that."
He heard her sigh and saw her finally raise her head some. "I think I’m really glad no one else is outside right now." He watched her turn to him, wide eyed. "There hasn't been anyone outside has there?"
He shook his head. "No, the other balconies and the deck upstairs have all been quiet."
He saw her yawn.
"You should go get some sleep."
"Are you coming?" she asked.
"In a few minutes."
She stood and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, leaning on the rail to stare at the water below. "Are you okay?" she finally said.
"I'm fine."
"Is there anything I can do to make... things less difficult for you?"
He shook his head. "Nah. I'm okay."
"Will you promise to tell me if there is anything I can do?"
He nodded.
She stared at him for another long minute and then turned to go inside. She paused before closing the door behind her. "I do love you, Clark."
"I know," he replied.
"And I want to want to."
"I know."
"And if it wasn't for..."
"I know that, too."
"Someday..."
He could hear the tears in her voice.
"...I promise that someday, we'll make love together."
"When you're ready."
She went inside and he stared at the night sky for a long while before going in to get some sleep.
*****
Lois was still awake when Clark finally slipped into bed behind her. The first thing he did – after sighing again – was move close to her and wrap an arm around her. She noticed he held her more loosely than was the norm. She wondered if that had to do with what he'd told her.
She'd known from the time that they'd woken up and been making out on the couch on their wedding night that he really did want to be with her like that. Really, she'd known since he'd asked her to marry him and promised that he'd never push. But it had never occurred to her that he'd had days or moments or whatever when he was more attracted to her than others. At least not when she wasn't all dressed up like for prom or something.
She'd hoped against hope that he didn't focus on what he'd seen when he'd seen her nearly naked that night. And she believed him when he said that he didn't try to remember it. Part of it was that he'd admitted that it did come to mind from time to time. If he'd said he never, ever thought about it – that she would have had a hard time believing.
She thought he'd mentioned going to the North Atlantic before, but she couldn’t remember when or where. That he'd gone after Aunt Louise died surprised her in some ways, but he was right. Except for sleeping, they hadn't been that close for any period of time for a very long time before that. She wasn't sure she understood hating himself for it – maybe being disappointed or something, but not hating himself. She imagined that it was probably a pretty normal reaction given their circumstances. It surprised her in some ways that he'd been to that part of the world as recently as a few months ago.
And he wouldn't have left her at Perry and Alice's that night. That was another weight off her mind. After the last few weeks, that didn't surprise her. Lucy had told her the same thing when she'd told her about it one day. Lucy'd also told her that she was absolutely crazy for believing about Clark and Mayson.
She'd talked to him about things tonight that she hadn't been sure she'd ever be able to. She wasn't sure where the whole 'would you find someone else if something happened to me' thing came from. Part of her was happy to hear that he wasn't sure that he could find someone else, part of her was happy that he promised he'd be open to it. She didn't want him to be alone, but she was very glad that he'd promised Mayson and Lana wouldn't even come close.
And then they'd moved outside.
Until Cat had said something a couple of days earlier, it really hadn't occurred to her that this would affect him to – other than for him to worry or whatever about her. His words, and the way he'd said them, tonight said otherwise.
He'd surprised her with his vehement reaction to the thought that she might have flashbacks when they were finally together someday.
*I'm* the one who should have been the *first* one to touch you like that...The only one.
He'd said that in Colorado and at least implied it earlier.
And he was right. That was the way it should have been. Whenever the time was finally right for them to be together like that – when her heart and her mind were finally ready to trust him completely with her body – he should have – and would have – been the first one to help undress her, to see her, to feel her.
The opposite was true, too, she knew now. She should be the only one to undress him, to see him, to feel him. And unless something very unexpected happened, she would be.
He felt like that had been stolen from him, from them. And he was right, but he didn't have anyone, she realized, that he could really express that to. He wouldn't to her – not completely. She knew that. He wouldn't want to burden her any more than she already was. She'd talked to Lucy a little bit and to Alice, and even Cat some, about how violated she felt because someone besides Clark had done those things. She hadn't mentioned to them that he never had, but to a certain extent, that was irrelevant at this point. It was probably more accurate to say that she felt violated that *anyone* had done that to her at this point, but they would have expected her to say Clark and, if she was honest with herself, she really meant it – only Clark should have been with her like that someday.
Maybe she should tell Clark that it was okay with her if he wanted to talk to someone. Not just anyone of course. Maybe Perry or Wayne.
She'd think about that.
She pulled the poncho liner closer to her. She wondered where Clark had gotten it and why she'd never seen it before. She was already in love with it and wondered if she could get away with not giving it back.
She'd finally fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning.
*****
"Would you like to dance tonight?" Clark asked her as they finished dinner.
She shook her head. "My feet hurt."
He smiled. "I'm sure they do."
"Yours would, too, if it wasn't for... you know."
"Probably."
They'd disembarked after breakfast visiting the imperial residence of the Sultan – the Topkapi Palace. They'd also gone to the Blue Mosque – quite impressive with over 250 windows and completed in the early 1600s. After lunch at the Green House Garden, they'd gone to the Turkish and Islamic Arts Museum in the historical palace of Ibrahim Pasha. They'd gone to the Grand Bazaar where they spent a number of hours looking through the over 90 streets that made up the bazaar. They'd purchased a number of souvenirs for their friends and family. They'd even been cornered by the requisite Persian rug salesman and finally purchased three – one for Perry and Alice, another for the apartment on Clinton – to cover the one area of the hardwood floor Clark had never quite managed to get the stains out of – and one for them to keep.
"Are you ready to head to our cabin or is there something else you wanted to do tonight?" Clark asked as he sipped the last of his glass of wine.
"I think I'm about ready for a shower and to turn in early."
"Didn't sleep well last night, did you?" he asked quietly.
She shrugged. "I slept fine; it just took me a long time to get there." She took a deep breath. "And there's something else I wanted to talk to you about."
"What's that?"
She wiped her mouth with her napkin one last time and set it on the table. "Not here."
They pushed their chairs away from the table and worked their way through the dining area. They were stopped by a young couple from Canada. They'd spent quite a bit of their day together as they toured the city. Don and Julie asked if they'd like to go listen to some music in one of the other restaurants on board. After a quick glance at each other, they agreed.
The rest of the evening was enjoyable, even if the conversation Lois mentioned was put off for a while. She was actually okay with that.
The Knights, they'd discovered, were also fresh out of college and, having gotten married the week before, on a Greecian honeymoon before returning home to 'real life' and 'real jobs', they'd said. They had a few more weeks before those 'real jobs' as high school teachers in Alberta started.
It was ten before they made it back to their cabin.
Lois kicked off her sandals and sank onto the couch.
"It's been a long day, hasn't it?" Clark asked sympathetically.
She nodded.
"Why don't you go take a shower and get a good night's sleep?"
"That sounds like a good idea."
"I'll work on our notes while you do that."
Lois nodded again as she stood and gathered her things together before heading to the bathroom.
Twenty minutes later, she was curled up on the bed as Clark took a super fast shower and then joined her.
"So, what was it you wanted to talk about?" he asked.
She sighed and sat next to him, leaning up against the headboard. "Something you said last night."
"I said a lot of things last night," he pointed out.
She nodded. "And it wasn't so much *what* you said as *how* you said it."
"Okay," he said slowly, unsure about what she was talking about.
"You said that you should have been the first one to do those things with me." She didn't look at him as she said it.
"That's how I feel."
"I know. Me, too. But that's not what I mean. I realized that you don't really have anyone but me that you can really talk to about this and I know you won't do that because you don't want to burden me anymore or whatever. And I appreciate that, but I also realized that you need to have someone you can vent to. I'm able to tell Lucy or Alice or Cat or whoever, how it felt when he did those things – probably not in great detail or anything – but that it shouldn't be anyone but you and that's the honest truth. I don't *need* to tell them that you haven't yet. It *does* bother me – a lot – that someone besides you did, but I'd be violated regardless. You, on the other hand..." She paused. "I think you need to have someone you can tell the whole truth to. And I want you to." She took a deep breath. "I want you to know that it's okay with me if you want to talk to Perry or Wayne about *all* of this. Not just as the grieved husband, but also as the man who lost something that should have been very special and only between us. I'd never thought about it quite that way before and I'm sorry."
He reached on arm out and pulled her to him, kissing her hair. "Thank you," he whispered huskily.
"I mean, I don't want you broadcasting us to the world, but I know you wouldn't do that."
"It's okay with you if I were to talk to Perry then? To tell him *all* about us and the things we haven't done?"
She nodded against him. "I’m not sure I want you telling him *all* the sordid details of Lane family history, but enough to get the point across. And I can't say that I'm completely comfortable with the idea, but I realize that you need someone you can talk to and that's more important than me being completely comfortable. If I was completely *un*comfortable that might be different, but I trust Perry and I know you trust Wayne so... I think Perry might be a better choice because you could go see him soon and I think that might be good. You can't just go see Wayne."
"You realize," he said slowly, "that it might be unfair to Perry to ask him to keep something this big – something that'll probably bother him – from Alice."
"I know."
"And you're okay with that?"
She nodded, not trusting her voice at first. "It helps that I'm not going to see her for a while, but she's been more like real family than anyone else in my life, ever, except Aunt Louise." She fiddled with the blanket. "I think you should go see Perry soon though. I think it would be good for you to get whatever else you're holding inside out."
They sat in silence for long minutes. "Thank you, Lois. I know what a difficult decision that had to be for you to make."
"It's the right thing to do."
"That doesn't make it easy."
"The right thing usually isn't."
*****
The next morning they spent on board the ship, spending most of the day with the Knights either lounging at the pool or taking dancing lessons. It wasn't the two step or the tush push, but it was fun. That afternoon, they docked at Mykonos, Greece. They had two options. Spend the late afternoon at one of the luxury hotels on the beach or touring Delos, the birthplace of Apollo and Artemis – twin children of Zeus and Leto. They chose Delos.
It would have been their choice anyway, but since they were writing about what they were doing it also made more sense.
They relaxed on the ferry for the 45 minute ride to the smaller island. The population, Clark told Lois, was officially fourteen.
Once they reached land, they spent four hours as part of a walking tour seeing things like the Temple of the Delians and Terrace of the Lions and the hall of Poseidioniasts, as well as former marketplaces. They saw the now dry Sacred Lake around which everything had been situated. The Temples of Isis and Hera were there as well as were the Houses of Dionysus and the Dolphins.
Another 45 minute ferry ride took them back to Mykonos and the ship for a late dinner. Before boarding the ship, they emailed Perry some more of their notes and nearly completed story pieces and called him once they'd done that. As expected, Jimmy was the one that was getting their emails and printing the files off for Perry. Lois went to the bathroom while the conversation continued.
"Listen, Perry," Clark said. "We get back to Athens on Friday morning. We'll probably spend Friday and most of Saturday getting settled in our new apartment and starting to find our way around the city. But I'd like to talk to you at some point late Saturday or early Sunday. Are you going to be home?"
Perry thought a minute before speaking. "I don't think we've got any plans, son. Can I ask what this is about?"
"What we talked about in your office right before we left," Clark said somewhat cryptically. "Trying to get a *flight* to Metropolis just for a few hours so that I could talk to you in person would be so impractical – too long and expensive – but if you're going to be home, can I call?"
"Um, is Lois going to be... on the phone too?"
Clark shook his head even though he knew Perry couldn’t see him. "No, just me probably. I'm sure she'd like to talk to Alice, but she also said that she didn’t expect to until August."
"Gotcha. Yeah, we should be home."
"Okay. I'll talk to you then."
"Sounds good. And I'm loving the stuff you guys are sending so far. So is Stern. He said that if the next couple weeks are anything like this one, the whole office will have computers soon and that he's ordering a few laptops that can be checked out next week."
Clark laughed. "You'll have to figure out how to check your own email then, Chief."
"Watch your mouth. That's what Jimmy's for."
Lois walked back into the office. "Lois is here and we have to go get back on board."
"I'll talk to you soon."
"Bye, Perry."
"Give Lois my love."
"Will do."
With that he hung up and collected the computer before they headed back to the ship.
*****
Lois sat straight up in bed, screaming.
Clark jolted awake himself. He spoke quietly to her until she calmed down enough to let him pull her close.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly.
She shook her head. "Just more of the same really."
"At least it's the first one this week," Clark said, trying to put a good spin on it.
She shook her head again. "No, it's not. I guess it's just the first one bad enough to wake you up."
The ringing of the phone interrupted whatever Clark was about to say. He reached over to answer it, telling whoever was on the other end that everything was fine; his wife had had a nightmare but there was nothing to be concerned with.
"Who was it?"
"One of the officers. One of our neighbors heard you scream and called it in. They wanted to make sure everything was okay." He moved back towards her and pulled her down next to him. "Are you sure you're okay?'
She shrugged. "As okay as ever, I guess. So, you never told me what else Perry said."
"He sends his love and..." He paused.
"What?"
"If it's okay with you, I think I may go see him Saturday night."
"I don't see why not. We get in early on Friday so that gives us a couple of days to get everything situated first."
"Are you sure you're okay with it?"
"Not entirely, but enough that I still want you to do it."
"Saturday it is then."
*****
The next few days flew by. Tuesday saw them visit Patmos in Greece and Ephesus on their last foray into Turkey.
The most incongruous thing they'd seen so far was in Ephesus. There, in the middle of this ancient section of town, had been the most unusual thing. It was neat to see all of the buildings and things that had been there for centuries – if not millennia – but it was all dark and gray. But then... they rounded one corner and near the middle of town was a bright red Coke machine. Clark wondered if there was any electricity anywhere else in town or if someone had run a cable just to 'buy the world a Coke'.
Wednesday had them exploring Rhodes. Thursday they visited Crete and Santorini. Thursday night was the evening of the formal dinner on board the ship.
After what Clark had told her earlier in the week, Lois decided she wanted to wear the purple dress rather than the black. She didn't want to have to ask for his help with it. She went to the on board salon, their reporter status guaranteeing her a time slot that would give her enough time to get dressed without rushing afterwards – they'd want her to experience it so that she could write about it.
She returned to their cabin to find Clark looking very frustrated as he tried to get his bowtie right.
"Problems?"
He sighed as he tweaked the tie again. "Not unless you tell me you changed your mind about what dress you're wearing and I have to change ties."
Lois laughed. "No."
"Okay, then not unless you say you're not planning on dancing with me tonight."
"I'm planning on dancing with you tonight."
"Good, we can practice what we learned this week." He tweaked it one more time, then turned to her. "How's that?"
She stood in front of him and reached out to adjust it slightly. "There."
He looked back at the mirror. "Perfect." He headed towards the sitting area. "I'm going to work on our notes for today while you finish getting ready."
She nodded and moved towards the part of the bedroom that was blocked from view of the sitting area and began to get dressed.
*****
"Everyone is going to be staring at you two tonight, you know," Julie told Lois as they headed towards the dining room.
"Why?"
"Well, you look fabulous and Clark... I love Don, but Clark wears a tux *very* well."
Lois glanced back to where her husband was in an animated conversation with Julie's. "He does look pretty good, doesn't he?"
"You'll be beating all the unattached women, and half the attached ones, off with a stick before the night's over."
Lois' face fell at that.
"What? Did I say something wrong?"
Lois took a deep breath and shook her head. "No. It's just that I've done enough of that over the last couple of months. I really have no desire to do that again."
"Someone tried to make a pass at him?" Julie asked incredulous.
She nodded. "Two someones."
"Really?!"
"Yeah. One was an old friend – a former foster sister – from his hometown in Kansas who was under the delusion that Clark had wanted her since they were four and I'm still not sure we – or her parents who walked in on her trying to corner him – got through to her. And the other... let's just call her a friend from college and leave it at that."
"Clark didn’t..." Julie's eyes were wide at the thought of Clark doing something like that.
"Oh, no. Nothing like that," Lois quickly reassured their new friend. "Clark's just too nice for his own good sometimes and she didn't quite get the message that he wasn't planning on leaving me anytime soon. She – and you have no idea the kinds of things that have happened to make it to where I can say this – really is a good person, just... misguided. She backed off and has actually done some things that were really hard for her to do, that helped us out a lot, because they were the right things to do."
"You're a better woman than I am then."
Lois shook her head. "No. I have no intention of speaking to her ever again, if I can help it, and while I wouldn't want Clark to see her stranded on the side of the road and keep driving or leave her hanging over a vat of boiling acid, I don't really want her anywhere near him either. But I'm also honest enough to know that she didn't have to do the things she did after I confronted her about it. I humiliated her – in private, but still – and the things she did for us... let's just say they weren't easy for her regardless."
Julie shrugged then nudged her with an elbow. "Will you let me have a dance with him tonight?"
Lois laughed. "Of course. But only if I get a dance with Don."
"Deal."
