Thanks, again, as always to Alisha, Beth, Nancy and CarolynK.
Look for 37 on Monday. DH has a Red Cross training tonight and tomorrow so I'm hoping I can get some writing done
. That would be good. I connected to some of the already written stuff, but blew right threw it and now need to connect to the next written stuff, but will blow right through that too, I'm sure. But hopefully [Oh, Dear God, please] those gabs will be a lot shorter/easier to fill than this last one that wend on for over 20 parts.
*****
Chapter 36
*****
She tried desperately to squelch the bile rising in her throat. This was *Clark*. He would never hurt her or push her. She made herself take a deep breath through her nose – her lips were still otherwise occupied. Sort of. Clark's mouth was on hers, but she wasn't kissing him back.
Not really.
And to be honest, he wasn't *really* kissing her. The kiss he'd given her on the rock at camp when she was twelve was more... lively.
She put her hands against his chest and gently pushed back. She wanted desperately to shove him as hard as she could, but she wouldn't let herself.
"Clark. Honey. Not now."
"All I wanna do is make love to my wife. Wha's so wron' wi' tha'?"
For all his slurring before, this too came out more than clear enough, even if it was a bit pouty.
"I know, Clark. But not now." She pushed a little harder until he moved a step back.
His knees hit the bed and he fell down, pulling her with him. She was on top of him, her hands resting on his chest.
"Come on, baby. Please. Make love to me." He pulled her further down, until she was tight against him. His lips moved to her neck, kissing it gently. His hands moved down her back until they rested on her waist.
Lois fought to keep her control; trying not to feel trapped. He wasn't himself. He probably wouldn't remember this when he woke up. And if – or when – he did, he'd feel horrible about it.
She put her hands on either side of him and pushed up, rolling to one side.
He started to follow but pressure from her hand on his chest stopped him. "It's time to go to sleep now, Clark. Please."
He managed to nuzzle her neck anyway. "You smell so good. Please, baby." His hand rested on her hip and he slowly ran it up her side until he reached her shoulder. He followed her arm until he could move her hand off his chest and brought her fingers to his lips.
She tugged on her hand, trying to pull it from his grasp but instead he came with it. He was on top of her, arms on either side trapping her between them, the full weight of his body on hers, his lips on her neck and shoulder again.
This was Clark, she told herself again. He'd never hurt her.
She made herself take deep breaths and tried desperately to avoid a panic attack.
Suddenly, his arms gave out and she was pushed further into the mattress.
"Clark, please." It was all she could do to get the words out.
A soft snore was her only answer.
She tried to breathe a sigh of relief, but he was really heavy and she couldn't get enough air in. She managed to wiggle her arms until she could get her hands onto his sides and she pushed as hard as she could.
To her great relief, he rolled off her and onto his other side, murmuring something she couldn't understand as he did so.
She laid there, eyes closed, trying to fight off the panic attack that continued to threaten her. For long minutes she focused on deep breaths in and long, slow breaths out. Her insides were slowly stilling, instead of quivering like jelly, they began to calm.
Just as her insides settled down, Clark rolled towards her, reaching instinctively for her as he had so many other times, but this time... She couldn't do it. She rolled out of reach and off the bed, standing, unconsciously grabbing the poncho liner as she did so. She practically ran out of the bedroom, not stopping until she reached the balcony.
She braced her hands against the rail and lowered her head. Her eyes closed and her breathing was shallow.
The warm breeze off the Mediterranean gently washed over her, calming her soul and soothing her spirit.
She didn't know how long she'd stood there when she took a final trembling breath and raised her head to stare out over the water. She needed to go check on him; she knew that. Well... she *should* go check on him. It wasn't like he was going to get cold or something.
She glanced back through the open door and could see the bedroom reflected in the mirror there. She gasped slightly. He'd told her that he sometimes floated in his sleep and she'd felt him land a time or two but she'd never actually seen him. Until now.
She could see his reflection, wearing only his boxers, bobbing a foot or two in the air over the bed.
She finally sat in the chair, pulling the blanket over her and staring over the water until a glance at her watch told her it was past time to order dinner. She contemplated ordering room service but decided not to. She wasn't sure she wanted Clark to wake up before he was ready to – both for his sake and hers.
Sighing, she slipped her shoes back on and left the room.
Clark was still asleep when she returned. He had landed back on the bed at some point and she pulled the covers over him.
She moved back out onto the balcony, curling back up under the blanket. The breeze had cooled as the sun had set.
Before long, she dozed off.
*****
That was where Clark found her the next morning.
"Hey, Lois." He shook her gently. "Time to wake up, sleepyhead."
She opened her eyes just enough to glare at him. One part of her mind noticed that he must have taken a shower. His hair was still wet and a drop of water made its way down his chest. The rest of her mind just glared.
"What?" he asked.
She yawned and stretched her legs towards the railing. "Who are you calling a sleepyhead? You've been asleep at *least* eighteen hours."
He smiled at her. "Well, I haven't slept much the last few days."
"Yeah, I know. Perry said you were there for a few hours Saturday or Sunday but..."
He moved to the chair next to her. "Yeah. I'm not sure what day it was either."
"How was it?" she asked quietly.
"Harder than I thought it would be, but I managed to help save a few lives. I couldn't get to everyone in time but..."
"You did your best. That's all you can do."
Clark nodded and stared over the water. "Why were you sleeping out here?"
She shrugged. "Just dozed off, I guess."
"How've you been sleeping?"
"Okay."
"Not well?"
"I've done worse."
"How many?"
"How many what?" She was sure she knew what he meant but really didn't want to answer the question.
"Nightmares. Dreams."
"A few," she said vaguely.
"A few? Or a few a night?"
She wouldn't look at him, but finally answered him. "A night."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here."
She shook her head vehemently. "You were where you needed to be."
"Can I ask you something a bit awkward?"
She just shrugged.
"Um... how did I get undressed? I don't remember doing it and I know I was exhausted when I got here."
She knew she was turning red. "Um... I helped you. You were asleep on the bed and I could tell you were wiped out but didn't think you'd be comfortable so I took off your shoes and socks and managed to get your T-shirt off. Then the phone rang. It was Perry checking on both of us. When I was done talking to him, you were standing there and I... we... managed to get your jeans off and..." She wasn't going to tell him what happened next. "...then you went back to sleep."
He reached for her hand. "Well, thank you. I appreciate it and I'm sure it couldn’t have been easy for you. In more ways than one."
She shrugged. "I'm just glad you're back. Alexandra said that we could reschedule our water skiing and surfing for today if we wanted to."
Clark groaned. "That was supposed to be yesterday, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, but it's okay. I got a full day at the spa instead."
"Is that why you smell like lavender?"
She nodded. "I told them that you had been sick – flu bug or something so that's where you've been."
"I'm sorry you had to lie for me."
Lois shrugged. "It's okay. It's what I had to do."
"Still..." He leaned over and kissed her cheek, noticing that she flinched slightly as he did so and filed that away for future reference. "Thank you." They sat in silence for a few more minutes. "Why don't you go get ready and I'll call Alexandra and make arrangements."
She nodded and stood up, releasing his hand as she did so. "Sounds like a plan. We have to be back by six though. I have an appointment at the salon to get all pampered for dinner tonight."
"Ah, that's right. Which dress are you going to wear?"
She leaned against the door. "I hadn't decided yet," she said honestly.
"Wear the black one," he replied. "You haven't worn it yet and it's perfect on you."
She paused then nodded slightly. "Are you okay with that? I can't get it all the way on or off by myself."
"I know, but you'll look fabulous."
She smiled slightly. "Okay then. Black it is."
*****
Water skiing occupied their morning and surfing lessons the afternoon. Lois returned from the salon an hour before their dinner reservations.
Clark looked at her from his spot in front of the mirror, where he was trying to get his tie straight. "You look pretty good from the neck up."
She smiled, keeping the 'wow' to herself this time. "You look very nice yourself," she replied, remembering the conversation from their honeymoon. "I'm um..." she motioned to the bedroom. "I'm going to get dressed."
He nodded then turned back to the mirror a slight frown on his face as he adjusted the tie once more.
He sat on the couch and turned on a mindless game show. He'd thought about reading the papers from the last few days – Lois had kept them for him – but he didn't want to ruin the night. He was sure the images from the last few days would stay with him for a very long time, but right now he didn't want to see the coverage.
Lois emerged from the bedroom about twenty minutes before their reservations. "Can you help me, Clark?"
He clicked the remote, turning the television off. She stood with her back to him and he held his breath slightly as he finished zipping the back of her dress, fumbling with the fastener above it. The top half of her back was bare and he had an almost overwhelming desire to put his arms around her and kiss her neck. His sensitive nose could still smell the lavender from the spa the day before. He must have smelled it last night when she helped him with his clothes – something he still couldn’t believe she did – because he'd dreamt about laying on top of her nibbling her neck at least once last night. Of course, he'd also dreamt that she was on top of him while doing more of the same.
He *had* to get his libido under control. After all he'd seen the last few days, why couldn't he do that? And her heart was beating like a trip hammer – this couldn't be comfortable for her either.
He finally managed to get the tiny hook and eye properly joined. "There. All set." She turned and smiled at him. He offered his arm and she rested her hand in the crook of his elbow.
*****
The meal was delicious, as was expected, though the portions were small.
Clark smiled at his wife and spoke quietly. "If you're still hungry later, I'll go get you something from Steak and Shake."
Lois spoke in equally quiet tones. "You'd fly all the way to the States to get me a milkshake?"
"Well, I'd get me a couple of steak burgers and some fries and something else for you, too, but yeah."
"Thanks. We'll see."
He nodded and took the last bite of his Mediterranean meal; Lois had already finished hers. "Would you like to dance?"
She bit her bottom lip, but knew he expected her to. How could she tell him how uncomfortable she'd been when he'd kissed her cheek earlier or when he'd helped her with her dress or when they'd been given one smallish seat to share on the boat earlier in the day? She knew he couldn’t remember what had happened or he would have said something. And she knew he'd never do something like that when he was fully cognizant of his actions.
"Sure," she finally said.
He wiped his mouth once more with the napkin then pushed back from the table. He held a hand out to her and led her to the dance floor. He noticed that she took a deep breath before moving into his arms. "Are you okay?"
She didn't say anything for a minute but finally nodded. "I'm fine."
"I'm not sure I believe you," he whispered.
"I just haven't slept well, that's all."
Clark still wasn't sure that was the whole truth, but he didn't want to press it. "Well, you were on the balcony all night last night. And I noticed that you haven't gone a night without sleeping under my poncho liner since we set sail. Is the only way I'm ever going to get to use it again is if I share?" He smiled as he spoke. He'd realized not long after she'd discovered it that he'd likely never have exclusive use again.
She nodded. "You never should have let me use it if you were so attached."
She was still holding him at arm's length – more than she ever had. "I promise – no one else will dance with you tonight unless you want them to."
She nodded slightly. He'd thought that might be the reason she was uncomfortable, but apparently not. He moved his hand from her waist and tipped her chin upwards so he could see her eyes. "What is it?"
She sighed and tried to look away. "It's nothing. Really. I'm just tired and a bit... off. That's all."
"Promise?"
"Yes."
Clark moved his hand back to her waist and exerted the slightest of pressure as he moved her around the dance floor. She allowed him to pull her slightly closer, but that was it. He hadn't really expected more, so he'd take what he could get.
He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feel of his wife in his arms.
*****
Lois managed to forestall a panic attack that started to form in the pit of her stomach when Clark moved behind her that night. She reminded herself that it was just Clark. He wouldn't do anything to hurt her. He hadn't been himself the night before. She repeated that over and over until she finally fell asleep.
She woke the next morning feeling better than she had in several days. She had vague recollections of bad dreams but no nightmares. Then she realized that she was resting on Clark. Her head was on his chest and his arm wrapped around her.
She felt safe. Even after what had happened a couple of nights earlier, she felt safe in his arms. She felt him shift beneath the arm that was thrown across the top of his stomach.
"Morning, beautiful," he murmured, kissing her forehead as he did so.
"Hey," she responded in equally quiet tones.
He rubbed her back with the hand that was around her and Lois involuntarily went back to the night before. He'd managed to undo what he claimed was an impossibly tiny clasp on her dress and as he unzipped it – and he unzipped it further than was necessary, though he probably didn't realize that – she could feel his fingers or his thumb or something trail down her back. The night before it had made her slightly uncomfortable, but she could imagine that it *could* feel quite nice – under different circumstances.
"What's on the schedule for today?" he asked.
Lois filled him in on the revised agenda and, before long, they climbed out of bed and got ready for the day.
The next couple of days rounded out their trip to Halkidiki and the Porto Carras Grand Resort and they returned to their apartment in Athens.
*****
That weekend they made their first unofficial visit back to Metropolis. They landed quickly and silently in the backyard. As they prepared to descend, Clark had warned Lois and she'd buried her head in his shoulder. He kept hold of her hand as they walked to the back door of the White's home.
Clark knocked and then opened the door as he heard Perry call to them from inside. Hugs were exchanged all around and then dinner was served. Lucy and Jimmy were both working so it was just the four of them.
Lois and Clark told Perry and Alice about the things they'd seen and done that hadn't made into their articles, and in turn, Perry and Alice caught Lois and Clark up on some of the goings on in Metropolis.
It wasn't terribly late in Metropolis, but the younger couple was on Greek time and would be back in Greece in 48 hours so the decision had been made not to try to acclimate to the time change too much.
After dinner Perry and Clark wandered off to watch a baseball game – the Metropolitans were in the pennant race – while Lois and Alice moved to the back deck.
Lois tucked one leg under her and stretched out on the deck chair. She was sure that Alice was going to bring up what Clark had talked to Perry about and she wasn't sure she was up to it – not after what happened earlier in the week.
"So, you and Clark..." Alice's voice trailed off.
Lois shook her head wryly. "I didn't think you'd jump right into it. I thought you'd ease in a bit more."
Alice laughed. "Why? We both knew one of us was going to bring it up, right?"
"Well, I knew *I* wasn't, but I was pretty sure you would, " Lois admitted.
"Wanna talk about it?"
The question was quiet. Lois stared at the trees through the twilight. She finally shrugged. "I'm not really sure what to say."
"Well, I think Perry said Clark started with 'We've been married for three and a half years and I've never made love to my wife'. We could start there," Alice said gently.
Lois was silent for a long time. "We could," she finally said slowly.
"Do you want to?"
"Maybe."
Alice nodded slightly. "Well, we can sit here as long as you want. If you want to talk about something else we can. If you don't want to talk at all, we can watch the fireflies and the stars come out. But if you're ready to talk about it – tonight or any other time – I'm here."
"I know." Lois took a deep breath. "And I do want to talk about it, really I do. Something happened this week and... It, and my reactions, probably don't make sense unless you know the whole story." She sipped her tea. "When Clark proposed to me, I couldn't say yes until I told him that I wasn't ready for a physical relationship and I didn't know if I ever would be."
"Was he okay with that?"
"He smiled at me and promised that he would never push me for anything I wasn't ready for. And I believed him."
"And now?"
"Well, I went through a time when I didn't believe him. Well, I believed that he wouldn’t push me, but I also believed that he was going somewhere else to..." She stared at the yard. "I believed the stories about him and Mayson. I'd even come to that conclusion on my own before I heard the rumors. But, I figured if I wasn't going to put out, I couldn't blame him for finding someone who would."
"But Clark wouldn't do that."
"I think I know that now." Alice started to protest, but Lois cut her off. "Believe me, that's a big improvement over where I was a few months ago. I'm getting there – believing that he's not going to leave me; that he wouldn't go somewhere else – but it takes time."
"Sometimes it does."
"I'm getting there, honest."
"I believe you."
"Has Lucy told you anything about what life was like growing up?"
Alice shook her head. "Not really. Perry's told me the little bit he's gathered from Clark and Jimmy, but that's it."
"Mom was a drunk. She'd pass out or throw up all over everything. I cleaned up or got her to bed or both." She wasn't looking for sympathy. She spoke the truth, her voice nearly monotone. It was what it was. "Dad wasn't there. At first I didn't know where he was, but as I got older, I realized that he was out with other women. While I was at Journalism Camp, he moved out. It wasn't until later that I realized that he didn't leave for another woman. He left because he thought Mom was flirting with another man. His vows said nothing about fidelity in them, but hers did. He saw it as a betrayal so he left. Mom never moved out like he did, but she left us alone all the time."
"How old were you?"
"I think I told Clark 5 or 6, but I'm really not sure. I think it may have been younger than that. I do think Lucy was potty trained – I don't remember worrying about her diapers when Mom wasn't around, but I do remember worrying about them when Mom was drunk." Lois sighed. "It could have been so much worse, you know. We were never abused or beaten or molested or anything like that. But I'm starting to be able to admit out loud that we were neglected. A lot. And probably severely neglected at times. Lucy told me once that the first time she came here for dinner she told Jimmy that she had abandonment issues and that before she could even consider a relationship with him, she needed him to promise that he'd never leave her. Well, never *just* leave. That if – for whatever reason – they were over, he'd discuss it with her even if the end result was the same."
"And you didn't do that with Clark, did you?"
Lois shook her head. "No. The first six months or so we were married, I made a lot of comments about how teen marriages don't work and how could we expect to be any different and stuff. Every time, he reassured me that we would. We'd beat the odds. Then, the night I told him I'd changed my name, he didn't. I made a comment and he didn’t' say anything. He just went and took a shower and went to bed. That was when I knew we wouldn't make it. Since then, he's told me that he'd realized the only way I was ever going to believe that he wouldn't leave me was to just not leave – that words weren't enough."
She took another long drink of her tea. "Things went downhill from there. Here, during the ice storm, was by far the most time we spent together until Aunt Louise died. Then we were together almost non-stop for nearly a week. Things started to change a bit then – Clark made a point of seeing me more often for lunch, helping my Physics study group or bringing me dinner while I was working, things like that. Not much but some. I thought he was just trying to throw me off the scent. I knew not long after the ice storm that he was having an affair with Mayson and I told myself I was okay with it. I would pretend everything was fine, because he was, and really, who was I to say he couldn't have a girlfriend, when I wasn't willing to really be his wife?"
"Lois..." Alice sighed. "Do you know how wrong that is on so many levels? Not just wrong in the sense that having an affair is wrong, but wrong in the sense that your thought processes – while they may have made sense to you – are completely skewed from reality? Clark would *never* cheat on you – regardless of whether or not you two are having sex."
"I know that now – or I'm working on it, but at the time... That's what Lanes did. Mom drank to oblivion because Dad was out with another woman. Looking back, he was probably with another woman – or even two – on an almost daily basis most of the time – at least the first time they were married. I think the second time was better. Anyway, once we stopped talking, we grew apart. We were so busy with work and school and everything else... and once I knew he was having an affair, there was no way I was going to have sex with him unless he forced himself on me and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t do that. Why would he need to? He had her."
"Lois..."
"I'm not saying it's logical or that I'm proud of what went through my head or how I rationalized things or whatever, but that's the truth. That's how I felt. The first time we really – I mean *really* talked in years was after the attack." She laughed humorlessly. "If you thought all that logic was screwed up, wait till you hear this. Some of the things that *he* said while Clark was in there, insinuated that I'd had sex with him before." She waved a hand as Alice started to speak. "Oh, I know he was just trying to get Clark's goat and all that now, but at the time... When I played it back in my head and remembered what my mom had told me about how when you get married your body is your husband's but he can share his with whoever he wants, I went a little crazy. I just *knew* that Clark believed that I'd been with *him* before and that now he knew I'd... been around, he'd want me for himself. So," She took a deep breath. "I had him take me to Colorado and then made an extremely poor attempt at seducing him."
"What? Why?"
Tears had started to flow down Lois' cheeks. "I figured it was easier to give myself to him than to wait for him to take me." She snorted. "How's that for logic?"
Alice just shook her head sadly.
"That was the only time he's ever touched me," she said softly.
"What?! Clark..."
"No!" Lois was quick to interject. "Not like that. First, he knew that even if we had been making love on a regular basis, the odds of me really wanting that like two hours after I'd been assaulted were slim to none. And I was acting weird and I started crying when I tried to kiss him." She swiped at her face. "*I* took his hand and put it on me. It stayed there for all of half a second before he backed up. Then we had it out. Sort of. More like I yelled at him and he tried to figure out what the heck I was talking about. Mayson, what other women had there been, had he taken any of them flying, what if I'd thrown myself at him sooner, things like that."
"What did he do?"
"Stumbled around backwards in a circle until he finally fell down. Looked at me like I was crazy. Then we talked. Really talked for the first time in a very long time. By the time we were done, I believed him about Mayson and everything else. That was the night we saw Krypton explode."
"Excuse me?"
"You know there were messages from his Kryptonian parents on the globe?" After her friend nodded, she continued. "We saw the last one that night. At the end, his ship left the planet and then the whole thing exploded. It hit him really hard and he actually cried. I've never seen him cry – before or since."
"I can imagine that was hard for him."
Lois nodded. "It was. But since then, he's been a rock for me. He's been there when I needed him to hold me at night to keep the nightmares away, to comfort me when they come anyway, to hold my hand and support me while we went through the investigation – everything I could have asked for and more. He's never pushed me. He's never even thought about pushing me. He was honest with me when he finally told me that, while he doesn't intentionally do it, sometimes he sees my body when I was lying on the floor in the conference room. It's the only time he's ever seen me naked – or nearly so. He told me that some days are more difficult than others and that he does want me that way, but, again, that he'd never push me. And he hasn't."
She took a deep breath. "Until Monday."
"What happened Monday?"
"After he got back from Mexico..." She stopped. "How long was he here last weekend?"
Alice shrugged. "Three, maybe four hours."
"Did he sleep all of it?"
"No. He ate too – and normal speed."
"So, since we woke up... Thursday morning, I guess, he'd had less than four hours of sleep when he got back on Monday – sometime in the late afternoon. He wasn't there when I grabbed something about three but was sound asleep by five-thirty. When I talked to Perry around seven, he woke up and started talking – kind of. He slurred his words and he could barely stand. It was a lot like my mom, actually." She paused. Why hadn't that occurred to her before? She never suspected he might be drunk, but how many times had she cajoled her mom into changing clothes and getting into bed? What had happened with Clark really hadn't been much different. "Anyway, I finally got him down to his boxers and he started going on and on about how he wanted to make love to me. I kept telling him later, it was time for bed, and things like that. Next thing I knew..." She took a deep breath. "He'd pulled me down on top of him and was kissing my neck. I managed to get off of him, but he followed me." Her hand shook slightly as she wiped the tears from her face. "I kept telling myself that it was just Clark and he wouldn’t hurt me; he'd stop before things went too far. But I couldn’t move. He was on top of me, kissing my neck again and I couldn’t move. I was trapped and then..." She couldn't go on.
"And then what?"
Lois jumped at the sound of Clark's voice. She turned to see him standing at the door with Perry, his face as white as she'd ever seen it.
"What, Lois? Oh, God. What did I do to you then?"
*****
Steak and Shake
