Thanks as always to Alisha, Beth, Nancy and CarolynK.
Yes, that is a total part # there. I decided for a number of reasons to not go into the detail I had originally planned in a couple of areas, just hitting the high points. That said, I'll probably keep posting 3xs a week for now until the rest is beta'd/edited.
This section also qualifies as PG13, I'm sure...
*****
Chapter 37
*****
Lois stared at him. She hadn't heard him come out and a glance at Alice told her that she hadn't noticed either.
"You weren't supposed to hear that," she said, not much above a whisper. "You're supposed to be watching the ball game."
"Rain delay in Philly, but that doesn't matter." Clark gripped the back of one of the chairs, not realizing that he was bending the metal. "What happened? What did I do to you?"
"How much did you hear?"
He shook his head vehemently. "It doesn't matter. You *have* to tell me what happened. Everything."
Neither really noticed as Perry and Alice moved quietly inside.
Lois swiped at her face again. "You freaked me out a little bit but that's it."
"Promise?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
He blew a slow breath out, the leaves of the trees in the yard fluttering as he looked at the top rail of the chair that was now flattened. He moved to the seat where Alice had been. "Please tell me what happened."
"What did you hear?" she asked again.
"That I was on top of you, kissing your neck and trapping you there. What did I do?"
"You were exhausted, Clark. I didn't think you'd remember any of it and you weren't yourself. I didn't want to worry you or anything."
"I want you to tell me. Please. I have to know." Hundreds of scenarios – none of which were good – ran through his head.
"Calm down. Whatever you're imagining, I'm sure it's a lot worse than it really was."
He took a deep breath, wondering if she was being honest or trying to protect him. "Okay."
"You were asleep when I got there. I got your shoes, socks and shirt off. Then Perry called and you woke up. You helped me get your jeans off and you fell onto the bed. You pulled me with you." She took a deep breath. "You were just holding me on top of you but you were kissing my neck and kept saying things like you wanted to make love to me, please. You called me baby a couple of times." She didn't look at him as she spoke. "I knew you weren't yourself. You were slurring your words. I could barely understand you until you told me you wanted to make love to me – that was clear as a bell."
He cringed.
"Anyway, I managed to roll over and you rolled on top of me and were kissing my neck again and I couldn't get up; couldn't get away. I kept telling myself that it was you – that you'd come to your senses or something. You'd never force me into anything even if you weren't quite yourself."
"And then what?" he asked quietly.
"You went back to sleep."
"What?" He looked at her in shock.
"You went to sleep. I was able to push you off of me and that was the end of it."
"That's why you slept on the balcony, isn't it?"
She nodded. "I just couldn't..."
He reached for her hand. "I understand. That's why you've been a little weird this week too, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Lois shrugged. "I knew you didn't remember it and you'd just feel horrible about it, but you were more sleep walking or something than actually trying anything."
"Still..." He stared at the deepening night sky. "I wish you would have."
"I'll remember that."
"It won't happen again," he promised.
"How can you promise that? If something like Hurricane Gilbert happens again and you're needed there and you're not needed wherever I am, you'll be there. And if you go days without sleep, it *could* happen again, but I also have no doubt that the outcome would be the same. Something would happen – you'd fall asleep or realize that I said it was time for bed and we'd... do that later or something and you wouldn't cross any lines. Even in that state, you wouldn't let yourself."
"You have a lot more faith in me than I do then."
She squeezed his hand. "I do have faith in you. I trust you and deep down we both know you'd never betray that trust, even if you were... rip roaring drunk."
"I can't get drunk."
"You know what I mean."
"Would you be okay if I gave you a hug?"
"I'd like that."
He stood and tugged on her hand until she stood next to him. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. "I'm so sorry, Lois."
"Nothing to be sorry for."
"Promise me something?"
"What?"
"I hope that what happened doesn't become fodder for one of your bad dreams, but if it does will you please tell me?"
She tensed in his arms.
"It already has, hasn't it?"
She nodded against his chest. "Not too bad, but yeah."
He pulled her a little closer. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. Really. As far as bad dreams go, they're not so bad."
"Still." They stood there for a minute. "Is is something you want to tell me about?"
She shrugged. "It's just what happened. You're on top of me and kissing my neck and I feel trapped because I can't get away and then it's over."
"Is there anything I can do to make them go away?" he asked quietly.
"No. Not that I can think of anyway."
"I'm sure Alice has told Perry the first part of that story by now."
"Yeah." She didn’t make any move to head inside. "Clark, did you really start your conversation with Perry by saying 'We've been married for three and a half years and I've never made love to my wife'?"
"Alice told you that?"
"Yeah."
"Pretty close. I think I may have stuck Perry's name in there somewhere, but that about sums it up."
"Why'd you start with that?"
"I figured it's like ripping a band-aid off."
"When have you ever needed a band-aid?"
"You know what I mean. If I started at the beginning and worked my way into it, I might have psyched myself out or something, so I just blurted it out to get the conversation started."
"I guess that's one way to do it."
"It worked. And then he knew how to look at all the things I told him; what lens or filter to use as I told him the rest."
"Did it help? Talking to Perry?"
He kissed the top of her head. "It helped a lot. Thank you for letting me. It wasn't like he had any great words of wisdom – mostly just that they're here for us if we need them – but being able to vent about it was just what I needed."
"And you can't do that with me." It wasn't a question.
"Not about that," he replied quietly. "You have enough about that night to deal with without me adding to it."
"Will you at least tell me what it is that makes you so mad? Even if you don't go into details or smash icebergs or whatever?"
Clark wrapped his arms around her a little tighter. "Just what we talked about before, but more... vehement, I guess. That he took something from us. That the first time I ever saw you was with him hovering over you; that the first time a man ever took your clothes off or touched you was him, not me."
"I hate him for that, too, you know."
"I know, but I think it's different for me. Not that it's not a big deal for you, too, but you're not ready to make love with me. You weren't ready before this happened and you still might not be, even if it hadn't. So maybe – at least I think; I could be wrong – it's more... abstract for you. I don't know. I can't really explain it."
She nodded. "I think I understand what you mean. If I told you I was ready to be with you, and you believed me, we'd be back in our apartment in Greece in about a minute and a half."
He pressed a kiss to her hair. "I could probably get us there in under a minute if that's what you wanted."
"Really?" She pulled back to look at him. "You could get us there that fast and I wouldn't vaporize or something?"
Clark laughed. "I don't know, but it wouldn't be long, I can tell you that much. We wouldn't even say good-bye to Perry and Alice. I might just yell in there that we'll call them later and take off." He sobered. "But only if that's what you really wanted."
"I know. And since I'm not ready for it yet, it's easier for me to... detach from the part where it's not you that was the first one to do those things. It's bad enough that he did them, but I don't... focus on the part where it wasn't you, but rather that it happened at all. You tend to focus on the part where you weren't the first one."
"Exactly. I think. Something like that."
They stood there for another minute before she spoke again. "Did you know that Alice has her Master's degree in Psychology?"
"No. I didn't know that."
"She never got her license or anything, but yeah. She's got the right education for it."
"Ah. Do you think you could talk to her? Do you think that would help?"
She shrugged. "Maybe. I'll think about it. I mean, I plan on talking to her as a friend, but I don't know about as an almost therapist."
They stood there for another long minute. "Ready to go face them?" Clark asked quietly.
She nodded. "Ready as I'll ever be, I suppose."
He held her hand as they walked inside to explain the rest of the story to Perry and Alice.
*****
Lois looked around the apartment on Clinton. It had changed some since they'd left several months earlier. The living room furniture was the same, but had been rearranged. She wandered to the bedroom to see that their king size bed had been replaced by a nice set of double bunk beds – she hadn't even known they made bunk beds that held double mattresses, but apparently they did – up against the wall separating it from the kitchen. Lucy was still living up in the loft, she knew, because she'd made it her own over the years and really found it quite cozy. Lois tried not to wonder if it was because it was easier to have Jimmy sneak up there for a make-out session than it was to have one in the main bedroom.
Lucy knew she was coming over and she knew that her roommates would be gone so they wouldn't wonder how she'd gotten there from Greece. She'd come to collect some things she'd left behind when they moved.
She moved to the window seat and lifted it. She removed the items stored there and carefully felt around the bottom, prying up several boards to expose an empty space beneath. She looked at what was there. She'd told Lucy that there were still things stored in secret hiding spots – Lucy thought she meant the one in the closet – and not to let her roommates know about it and if they ever moved out, to make sure they could retrieve them.
The hiding spot here was deceptively large. She carefully opened the top of the box Aunt Louise had given her on their wedding day but didn't move the tissue paper to look at the gown. Instead she simply removed the packet of letters lying on top of the paper and carefully closed the lid, replacing the wood and the rest of the things that had been stored there.
Once that was done, she sat on the window seat and stared at the bundle in her hand.
The top one was labeled 'To Mrs. Clark Kent'. She had been feeling for a couple of months that it was time for her to read this, but this was the first opportunity she'd had to retrieve the letters. She'd never opened the ones from Aunt Louise either and they completed the stack.
She carefully secreted them in her purse and locked the apartment as she left. They'd have to wait until a quiet moment in Greece.
*****
A quiet, but fun, two days were spent at the White home. Lucy and Jimmy were there as often as their schedules allowed. Lois and Clark enjoyed the time spent with the younger couple.
One of the main topics of conversation was the next stop on Lane and Kent's 'Traveling the Planet' journey. They'd enjoyed their time in Greece immensely but were ready to move on to the next stop. No decision had been made, but they had a couple more weeks of adventures planned in Greece so the decision didn't have to be made immediately. And if they weren't ready to move on by then, they could probably hit Egypt or Israel or Italy some without moving.
Eventually, that was what they decided to do. Stay in Athens for a few more months and travel in the Mediterranean and the Middle East, then move to Paris to explore the rest of Europe after the New Year.
Sunday evening arrived and with it time for Lois and Clark to return to their Mediterranean paradise. Hugs were given all around and then, they walked out the back door where Clark wrapped Lois securely in his arms and took off.
*****
Several nights later, Lois waited for Clark to finish taking his shower and join her in bed. Butterflies swarmed in her stomach but she wasn't sure why.
Maybe because she should have done this years ago.
Before long, Clark crawled onto his side of the bed and propped himself up on an elbow. "What's up?"
She gave him a small smile. "What makes you think something's up?"
He shrugged. "Just do. Am I right?"
She nodded.
"Well?"
"Nothing really. I mean, it's something, but in some ways it was pretty anticlimactic."
"What was?"
She paused before speaking. "Your mom's letter."
"My mom's..." Realization dawned. "You read the letter from my mom?"
She nodded.
He reached for her and pulled her to him. She noticed they found a comfortable position much faster than they used to – like they were getting used to each other. That was a good thing she supposed. Her head rested somewhere between his shoulder and his chest and his arm held her close. Her leg found its way over one of his legs as her body stretched along the length of his. One arm was tucked up under his shoulder and under her pillow and the other stretched across the top of his stomach.
She had discovered this was her favorite time of day. They didn't lie like this every night, but when they did, they generally had good conversations – the foundations of the relationship they were slowly building. It was her safe place. Not just in Clark's arms – though that was always safe no matter where they were – but here in Clark's arms, lying next to each other, but not spooning; wrapped in each other's arms, because not only was Clark holding her, but she was holding Clark.
It was a big deal for her, she knew. She distinctly remembered lying with Clark, just like this, in a hotel in Texas and willing her stomach to relax from the knots it had been tied in and wondering how long it would be before she could roll over and cocoon herself in the blankets. It wasn't like that now. Being together like this was special. This was how they had many of their late night 'tell me something about yourself' talks. Not all, but many. And not the talks that just sort of happened, like that night on the cruise ship, but the ones they planned, more or less.
One hand would wrap around her and often he'd run it up and down her arm. Sometimes it gave her goosebumps if his touch was too feather light – and that sort of scared her sometimes – but usually his touch was firm enough to be comforting. Or he would play with her hair, stroking it or twirling it around his fingers. His other arm would usually lie across hers as it rested on his stomach. There, too, she would often realize that he was drawing mindless patterns on her forearm or something of that nature.
Sometimes, she wanted to do the same thing – draw abstract designs on the smooth planes of his stomach and chest – but she never did. Someday she would.
"Do you mind to tell me what she said?" he asked quietly shaking her out of her reverie.
Lois gave a one-armed shrug. "Nothing earth-shattering. Said if you hadn't told me about your heritage I was to give you an earful and badger you until you did. That she would have loved me, because she loved you and she couldn't imagine you marrying someone that she wouldn't love." Lois paused for a second. "And she talked about sex some."
Clark chuckled softly. "That doesn't surprise me. Nearly every letter mentioned it some."
"She also said that because of your heritage, you would probably bond with your mate on an entirely different level than regular people. Well, um, once the relationship was consummated that is."
She could feel him nod. "That doesn't surprise me. It's probably part of the telepathy thing Jor-El mentioned; how I would know my soulmate when I met her."
"Anyway – just that and to take care of you, basically. Nothing earth-shattering."
"Were you expecting earth-shattering?"
"I don't know. I'm not really sure what I was expecting, but I'm sure she wasn't expecting us to be married for three and a half years before I read it. I'm glad I read it though. I'm just sorry it took me so long." They laid there for a few more minutes before Lois said something else. "Clark, can I ask you something about being you?"
"Of course. I don't have any secrets from you."
"I know; it's just something I've been thinking about." She tilted her head slightly so that she wasn't looking at him but staring at the wall.
"Okay."
"Do you feel pain? I mean physical pain?"
He shook his head. "Not since I was young."
"You swim with Orcas and sit on icebergs, right?"
"Yes," he said slowly, not sure where she was going.
"Don't you feel cold?"
"Well, I do, but it doesn't bother me. If I take a hot drink for instance, I know it's hot, but it doesn't burn my tongue. I know the water's cold when I swim under icebergs, but I don't get hypothermia."
She rolled away from him and pushed up until she was leaning against the headboard.
He sat up too but shifted so he could see her. "Hey." He reached over and took her hand. "What is it?"
She sighed. "I don't know that I really want to get into this. I mean, it's something we should talk about and something that the sooner we talk about the sooner I'll stop worrying or eventually obsessing about it, but... I'm still not really comfortable with it."
He laced his fingers with hers. "I'm guessing it's something about sex then?"
She nodded. "It is, but what makes you think that?"
"I just can't think of anything else that would make you this uncomfortable."
"Ah."
He held her hand and waited.
"Clark, do you..." She stopped. "I mean..."
"Whatever it is, you can ask me."
"Do you think I'll be good at it someday?" she finally said in a rush, the words tumbling over each other.
"I think," he said slowly, "that, because we love each other, we'll figure out what's good together."
"What's that mean?"
"I mean, neither one of us has any practical experience so we'll have to figure things out as we go along. I think that when we do make love, it'll be a wonderful experience because we're doing it together, even if it takes us some practice to figure out the practical side of things. Especially for you, the first time could hurt and I hate that but I don't know what to do to prevent it. I think it's one of those practice makes perfect things and even if it's not straight out of a romance novel or something the first couple of times we'll figure out what works for us, together. Remember that list of questions you asked Mayson?"
Lois nodded.
"I don't know any of those answers for you either. Do you like to make love in the morning or at night? Are you an 'only in bed' kinda girl? What kind of lingerie do you prefer to wear? What do you like to see me in? How do you like to be kissed? I think being good takes practice and, when the time's right, I'm willing to practice with you as much as you want." He stared at their hands for a minute. "Are you afraid you won't be?"
She nodded. "I'm afraid that after all the years of waiting, I won't satisfy you and you'll be disappointed and upset."
"I don't believe it for a minute. Like I said, I think it could take some time for us to figure things out, but I think we'll be just fine." He paused. "I worry about the same things, you know."
She finally looked at him. "You do?"
"Sure. I've never made love before. I mean, I know the basics – and if I hadn't before, Mom made sure I did – but I'll have to figure out what you like and what you don't like. Do you like to be kissed on your neck but not your ear for instance? And there's no way to know until we get there, but I think that we'll be able to work those things out as long as we communicate about them." He squeezed her hand. "What brought this on? Why do you think you'll disappoint me?"
"If you can't feel pain or hot or cold, can you feel pleasure?" She didn't look at him as she said it.
"You mean if you kiss me or touch me, how do I know it's intended for pleasure and not for pain? If I can tell hot from cold but they don't affect me differently, will different touches from you affect me differently?"
"Something like that."
"I think part of it's in the way you touch me – or will touch me," he said thoughtfully. "A light touch feels different than a firm touch."
"Can you get goosebumps?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well, I get goosebumps when you rub my shoulder or arm lightly sometimes. I just wondered if you can get them."
He reached over and pulled her closer to him. "I don't think it's going to be a problem. Remember our wedding night?"
She nodded.
"I can definitely feel pleasure." He played with the hair at her temple with one hand. "I feel breathless when I dance with you. I feel whole when I hold you at night. I feel safe the times you hold me in your arms. I feel loved when I hold you like I was earlier because that's when you seem to trust me the most and when we have some of our best talks. And I have absolutely no doubt that making love with you will feel amazing."
"Do you really mean that?" she asked quietly.
He kissed the side of her head. "Oh, yeah."
*****
December 1988
*****
Clark moved behind Lois and wrapped his arms around her. "Good morning, beautiful." He kissed the side of her head. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, handsome." She looked into his eyes in the mirror. She turned easily in his arms so she could look directly at him and slowly ran her hands up his arms until they met at the back of his neck. "Are you my Christmas present?" She leaned up and kissed him slowly, deeply.
"If you want me to be," he mumbled between kisses as she pushed him gently backwards with her body, stopping when he hit the bed only to tumble onto it, taking her with him. He quickly rolled them so that his body was stretched out next to hers, kissing her as he did. One hand tangled in her hair.
"Clark."
"Hmmm?"
"Clark."
"What, baby?"
"Clark!"
His eyes opened to find Lois propped up on one arm staring at him. "What?"
"It's time to get up, sleepyhead." She smiled. "You look like you were having a nice dream, though. And you called me 'baby'."
He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close to him in the bed they shared when they visited Metropolis. "Is it so bad that I want to stay in bed with my wife for a little while longer? I finally got the warm spot warmed up just right and it's comfortable here."
She snuggled down in next to him. "You're right. It's finally perfect here, but I can hear Perry up stomping around. And Jimmy and Lucy are here and it's Christmas morning."
"Merry Christmas," he said, kissing her head.
"Merry Christmas."
"Can't we stay here until they come make us get up?" he groused. "Seriously. We can claim jetlag."
"We've been here for three days already," Lois laughed.
"But I had to ride in one of those metal tubes again," he whined. "I'm having some sort of delayed stress reaction and it can only be cured by lounging in bed with my wife for a little while longer."
"They'll think we're doing more than lounging, Clark," she finally said.
"So? We're married. Let them."
"Want to tell me what you were dreaming about?"
Clark turned red. "You don't want to know."
"Yes, I do."
He sighed. "Fine. It was Christmas morning and we were making out."
"Is that all we were doing?"
"I don't know. You woke me up." He pouted a bit. "I didn't get to find out."
"You are nothing but a big kid, you know that?" Lois asked laughing amazed at how far their relationship had come in the last few months. The night she'd read his mom's letter had been a turning point of sorts. She didn't worry about Clark taking things too far, but she'd been more comfortable being with him like this – little touches and flirting a bit – and knowing that he wouldn't take anything the wrong way; that he wouldn't make any moves without her explicit approval. It was allowing them to begin to explore the romantic side of their relationship just a bit without any pressure.
"It's Christmas. Everyone's supposed to be a kid."
Lois laughed again. "Well, I guess you can be excused for a little while."
"Can we stay here until they make us get up?" he asked pulling her a little closer.
A bang on the door was the answer. "Come on, kids. Jimmy's about to go crazy if he's not allowed to go downstairs soon."
Lois hid her face against Clark to smother her laughter at that. Clark just laughed. "We'll be out in a few minutes, Perry."
They heard him grumbling about uppity travel reporters as he walked off.
Lois sighed and rested her head against Clark's chest. "At least it's Christmas, which means we get to wear our pajamas all day unless we go somewhere."
That was one Lane tradition that had stuck. When they were growing up, Lois and Lucy – and even their parents - had stayed in their pajamas all day on Christmas unless they were having company or going out. Jimmy had started spending at least part of Christmas with them that first year and loved the idea. Perry and Alice had too when they were talking about spending this Christmas together – the first one the six of them had spent together since forming their own family.
"That's true. And since you don't have to change clothes, and I can be dressed and have your slippers on you in about two and a half seconds, we can stay here for a few more minutes before we have to get up."
Lois ran a hand through his hair. "You might want to do something about that bed head though, Captain Hairdo."
Clark mumbled something about how his hair should be invulnerable, too, and Lois just laughed.
There was more pounding on the door. "Come on, guys!" Jimmy was whining. "It's Christmas morning!"
"And you're old enough to know that presents don't change just because you sleep in," Clark growled at him.
"Yours might," their young friend mumbled. "If you don't hurry," he said a bit louder.
Lois laughed. "Fine! We're getting up. We'll be right there."
"Good!" Jimmy called.
"Spoilsport," Clark mumbled into her hair.
Neither moved for a minute, then Lois sighed. "Okay, do your whole get dressed and find my slippers in seconds thing, would you?"
"Two and a half," Clark said without moving. "You know, I think that if we had been... you know... making love on a regular basis while we lived on Clinton, Jimmy would have interrupted us at least half the time."
"Probably. He probably thinks he's interrupting something right now."
"He is, just not what he thinks he is. He's interrupting what was shaping up to be a very nice morning in bed with nothing to do."
Lois laughed. "How about we find some little bed and breakfast somewhere that caters to couples who never want to leave their room and we stay there? They'll bring us breakfast in bed and we'll make sure it has a TV and a VCR and a wide movie selection and we'll spend all day in bed one day. You can even eat popcorn in bed because we can spill a soda all over the sheets so they'll have to be changed and I won't have to sleep on popcorn crumbs. And they'll bring us lunch and dinner and it'll be a nice enough place that we'll have our own hot tub or Jacuzzi or something in case we want to relax somewhere else."
Clark turned serious. "That sounds like an awfully romantic getaway – the two of us spending all day in bed together."
Lois shrugged. "We've gone to other romantic places and written about them just fine."
Clark kissed her forehead. "Then it sounds like a great idea to me. Maybe we can find a place in Vermont or something while we're here."
"Guys!" Jimmy pounded on the door again.
"I swear, he's worse than Lucy was when we were kids," Lois grumbled then waved a hand. "Two and a half seconds."
Three seconds later, Clark opened the door.
