From last time:
She took a deep breath. His smell had faded long ago, but she could still imagine it lingering in the air. With a tremulous sigh, she made her way to the bedroom. She changed out of the Ultrawoman costume mechanically and crawled into his bed, curling up in a ball under the blankets. Tears welled up in her eyes again and she didn't fight them.
********
The Roads They Walked Alone Part 3:
"Center yourself and purge the mind of any errant thoughts. Take a deep breath, and focus."
Clark inhaled deeply, his eyes closed, and his mind clear. The gymnasium, the ship, everything began to disappear.
"Good, exhale," Ching instructed in an even monotone.
Clark let out the breath he'd been holding in as Ching's voice faded away. He felt as though reality was tuning out as he retreated deeper into his own mind. Every muscle in his body was relaxed and he felt his mind seem to disconnect from his physical being. He focused on that single point, growing until it filled his consciousness, blocking everything else out. And then that single point exploded into a chaos of light and fury and sound and pain. Clark clapped his hands over his ears, screwing his eyes shut tighter, but he was unable to block out the blinding light. His skin was on fire with the charge of every disturbed electron in the air, he could hear the metal of the ship hum and creak as it sped along. He was connected to every sound wave, every particle of light and every physical thing that surrounded him. And it hurt.
Then it stopped. He slowly lowered his hands and felt himself collapse on the mat. He could hear the sound of his own heart pounding and heavy, labored breathing. From the depths of oblivion, Ching's voice became clear again.
"It is all right, Kal El," Ching counseled. "Crossing the total consciousness barrier is a difficult task and one that will take time and practice to learn. We train for years to do it and you have made substantial progress in only a few weeks."
Clark opened his eyes, looking straight up at the ceiling of the gymnasium, willing it to come back into focus. Eventually, the ship stopped spinning and the blurred images became clear again. With a ginger shake of the head, he slowly stood up and stretched his now aching muscles.
"Zara is in her quarters and wishes to see you." The edge that had been so noticeably absent these last few days, crept back into Ching's voice. The issue of Zara was still a sore point for him. The ever-present crew, their over-developed senses of propriety, and single-minded dedication to their missions were still keeping Ching and Zara apart. Clark wasn't to blame, but he seemed to present an irresistible scapegoat for their situation.
Clark merely nodded, unwilling to get into another shouting match with Ching over the issue. He left the gymnasium and headed for Zara's private quarters. He passed Ensign Rul, who greeted him with a slight, deferential bow, as he made his way through the maze of hallways to Zara's room. He knocked softly on the heavy door.
"Come in, Kal El," she called from within the room. He opened the door and entered her quarters. The room was Spartan and identical to his own. Zara stood up from her desk and turned to look at him. She wasn't wearing the simple, utilitarian black uniform that every member of the crew wore while on duty. It was late in the evening, (or so the clocks suggested, time was relative in space) and Zara wore a long, white dressing robe - simple, but made of a rather impressive fabric, like silk, only more fluid.
"You wanted to see me about something?" Clark asked.
Zara smiled. "Yes, I wanted to see how your training is coming along. You and Ching have been working long hours."
"Well, as Ching likes to point out, I have a lot to learn," Clark replied in perfect Kryptonian.
"How is the meditation training?" she asked.
"Like everything that's ever happened since the beginning of time, happening all at once," he responded.
She smiled again. "Yes, that's a fairly accurate description of the total consciousness barrier, but your progress has been quite remarkable, Kal El."
"Clark," he corrected.
"My apologies, Clark." Zara repeated. "Even Ching is impressed by your aptitude."
Clark merely arched a brow.
"I know that things between you are tense," she began.
"Probably because Ching doesn't like me," Clark replied succinctly.
"Well, there is the jealousy."
"There's nothing for him to be jealous of!" Clark exclaimed.
"Are you certain?" Zara asked.
"Of course I am," Clark replied, a note of irritation creeping into his voice.
"The subject seems to make you uncomfortable."
Clark sighed. "I'm just tired of feeling like I should feel guilty for something. I haven't done anything wrong. I love Lois, I always will and you and I do not and will not have an intimate relationship."
"We must," Zara replied.
"Huh?" Had he missed something somewhere? Just what exactly did Kryptonians consider a 'sham marriage' to be?
"Our relationship is not a romantic one, but it must be an intimate one," Zara clarified, but not really. "You will have to trust me, as much as you've ever trusted anyone and I will have to do the same. You will be asked to place your life in my hands, to trust the fate of New Krypton and its people to my judgment and I will do the same. To the world, we must always appear as of one mind. Despite any disagreements we may have, we will always have to stand united. The fate of one of us is the fate of both of us. There can be no pretenses between us, no formalities. We are far beyond decorum. In public, we owe one another complete loyalty, in private, complete candor."
"And hasn't Ching shown that he's completely loyal to you, too?" Clark challenged.
Zara nodded. "He has, but my duty requires that my full attention be paid to the people I serve."
"You love him."
"And in a different world, that would be paramount, but I cannot allow my feelings to interfere with my responsibilities." Zara's words were rehearsed and mechanical, as though she'd been repeating them to herself for some time, trying to make herself believe.
"You know that whole bit about serving your office and not you is a lie." Clark wasn't about to let her go unchallenged. "First Minister or not, Ching would lie down and die for you."
Zara looked away. "I know how he feels," she admitted. "And he knows my feelings. I'm afraid that will have to be enough."
"Well, so long as we're all being completely honest..." Clark repeated her words back to her. He opened the door and left her quarters.
********
"I don't know why I did it, Martha," Lois confessed. She paced around the ceiling in Clark's apartment, the cordless phone in hand. She didn't know why she was pacing. Pacing around the ceiling just seemed more...proactive. Even if she couldn't control the events in her own life at the moment, at least she could openly flout the laws of physics.
"Is it such a bad thing that they know about the wedding?" her mother-in-law gently inquired.
"No," Lois admitted. "It's not that. I mean, it's fine that they know, but it was like I was seventeen years old again and having to justify every detail of my life to them, you know?"
"I do," Martha replied. "My parents weren't exactly thrilled with me dating Jonathan. They kept reminding me that I was a Clark, and would never be content to be a mere farmer's wife. But I hoped that if they met him, they'd see what I saw in him. I thought that since they were my family, they would have to understand. They didn't."
"That must have been awful, what did you do?" Lois asked. She'd never heard anything of this before and it took her by surprise. How could anyone not see how much Martha and Jonathan Kent loved each other, how perfect they were together?
"It was awful," Martha agreed. "And I, actually, didn't do anything. It was Jonathan who told my mother to stuff a sock in it."
"Oh my god." Lois found herself giggling. She stopped pacing and looked down at the couch below. She floated gently down and flopped on the sofa.
"Well, my mother didn't find it nearly as funny as you seem to," Martha replied. "What I realized from that was that I loved Jonathan, and that was the important thing. I didn't have to get their approval, I knew it was right."
"Did they ever come around?"
"Eventually," the older woman answered. "And once the shock wears off, honey, I'm sure your parents will come around, too. You've got a good head on your shoulders. Even if it takes them a while, they'll see it and they'll know that you're doing what's right for you."
"Thank you," Lois replied, the gratitude heartfelt.
"Anytime, honey. Should we expect you for dinner tomorrow night?"
"I'll be there." Lois felt her spirits lift a little.
********
"Things are not well here." The somber voice of Councilor Shai sounded tinny through the communications system. "Rebel groups continue to attack the outer settlements, our supply and communication lines are being disrupted, various guilds have gone on strike and the Council is paralyzed. Rae Et's supporters grow in number and legal proceedings for your removal have been initiated."
"We are still over a week away," Zara replied dismally.
"Then you will come home to find our world at total war. We've begun calling people to active duty. Just guarding against saboteurs will strain our resources."
"How do you think the people will respond to our return?" Ching asked.
"There are still many who are loyal to Zara and among them, there are those who are prepared to welcome Kal El, but support for our position must be further galvanized. If the attacks continue at this rate and with this intensity for long, the people may well demand a change in leadership. They are afraid."
"We are returning with all possible speed," Zara said.
"And we anxiously await your return. A military interceptor has been launched to rendezvous with your ship and escort you back to New Krypton. For now, I fear I must go." Shai begged his leave of them.
"We thank you for your help, Councilor," Clark replied in earnest.
"I look forward to welcoming you, Kal El. Safe travels to you all."
With that, the communication ended and Ching, Zara, and Clark were left standing in the communications bay of the ship. "The closer we get, the more we're in danger of being attacked by forces loyal to Nor and Rae Et," Zara explained.
"Will they try to intercept us?" Clark asked.
Zara shrugged. "We don't yet know the extent of military support they have, but I would not place it outside the realm of likelihood."
"Then we should be prepared," Clark mused.
"I will place the crew on heightened alert and personally monitor all communications," Ching replied.
Zara nodded in approval. "And we should all get more rest while things are still calm. Clark, your training?"
"Is largely complete," Ching answered dispassionately. "He's mastered the meditation techniques and proved himself more than adept with all major weapons styles."
Clark was almost taken aback by the forthright praise from his generally ill-tempered teacher.
"Good," Zara replied. "Because we all need the rest." The three exited the communications bay and headed toward their respective quarters.
********
Zara walked quietly down the corridors of the ship. She'd been unable to sleep and the restless hours spent doing nothing in her quarters had left her in an agitated state. Without conscious thought, she'd made her way toward Ching's quarters. A small stream of light from under his door indicated that he was awake. Not really knowing why, she knocked softly, hesitantly.
"Enter," came a voice from within.
She opened the door and stepped in to find Ching sitting up in bed, reading. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you," she said as she turned back toward the door. This had been a mistake, Zara thought to herself.
"Please," Ching replied as he placed the book on a shelf. "It is no disturbance. Stay."
Zara merely nodded and turned back around. Ching looked down at his bare chest. "I should get dressed," he said.
'I've seen you a lot more naked than that,' Zara thought to herself, but she turned her eyes away as he stood up and pulled a uniform out of the bureau and put it on. "I noticed your attitude toward Kal El has changed."
"He has surprised me with his ability to learn. And the crew respects him. That is the most important quality one seeks in a leader," Ching replied with no trace of embarrassment or reluctance in his voice.
"But you still do not like him."
"That's irrelevant." Ching finished dressing and turned to face her. "He has proven an able student of both weapons and strategy. He still allows his passions to rule him, but he will learn."
"And you will be confident following him?"
"That is my duty, to advise him as best I can and to obey his orders," Ching said.
Zara looked down. Without looking at him, she began to speak. "If I asked something of you, if I asked you to do something, would you do it for me?"
"Without hesitation," he replied simply.
Zara nodded, seemingly satisfied with the answer. Her head down to avoid making eye contact with him, she regarded her advisor, confidante, and the person she loved most dearly in the world, carefully. With practiced nonchalance she probed further. "Would you expect me to do the same?"
"Do what I asked you without hesitation?" he asked, a frown on his face. "I suppose if your life were in danger, I would hope that you would allow me to protect you without questions."
"That's not what I mean," Zara clarified, wondering if Ching were dodging the question.
"Then I am afraid I do not understand the question," he replied. His hands were clasped in front of him, his posture stiff and formal. Ching never was one to slouch, avoid eye contact, or mumble in the event that he needed further clarification or did not have the answer that was expected. He had too much respect for those he served to behave in such a manner.
Ching's directness was usually welcomed, but just this once, she wished that he would drop the formality and forget for one instant that he worked for her. "Ching," she began, an almost pleading note creeping into her voice as she abandoned all pretenses. "We have known each other since childhood. I loved you even then. I love you more now, but our relationship has never been one of equals. I ask, and you do, but you never ask of me in return."
"Because I cannot. We are not and can never be equals," he said. She thought she heard a note of sadness in his voice.
"My birthright does not make me your better," she replied, certain of the truth of her statement.
"No, it doesn't," he agreed. "But we serve very different things."
"We both serve the people of our world," she challenged.
Ching shook his head. "I have sworn my life to your service. You cannot do the same for me. You cannot place me above any other citizen. Your duty is to the good of all, mine is to you. There is no conflict between the oath I've sworn and the passions that would rule me. My heart, body, and soul are yours."
His words touched her deeply. "How can you say that, and not even hope that your devotion is returned?"
Ching smiled a sad, but knowing smile. He stepped toward her and took her hand in his, indulging in the intimate gesture despite his words. "My devotion needs no response and expects none. I know that you belong to the world, to hope to claim you as my own would be selfish."
"I want to be yours again," she whispered and lifted his hand to her lips.
"I know," he replied. "And it means more to me than I can say."
