And I\'ll love you \'til the end TOC From Part 1: present, 11:15 pm
Lois Apartment
“We were talking for hours that night, and I finally started feeling a little better about the whole situation. Knowing that Perry and all my friends would be there for me made it more bearable. The next morning I got on the plane to Kansas and told your parents. You can imagine they were thrilled. They’d lost you, but they would have a grandchild instead. I think that made it easier for them, too.”
Silence filled the room between them, while they were staring into each other’s eyes.
Finally Lois broke the gaze and got up. “How about some coffee, Clark?” She couldn’t stand the building tension between them anymore and needed to back off for a few minutes. This was so different from her dreams about his return. She still felt very attracted to Clark, but something had changed. She didn’t know if it was just her or just him or probably both. Maybe it was the time that had separated them. Five years were, after all, a long time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
So this is Part 2: Without waiting for an answer Lois headed towards her kitchen. She opened the cabinets and looked for some chocolate to make her feel better. Chocolate always helped in hopeless situations like this.
‘Connor must have taken my last chocolate bar. I told him to keep his hands off of my chocolate. Boy, he is gonna be in trouble tomorrow,’ she muttered quietly.
As a last resort she opened the freezer and found a half empty container of ice cream. It wasn’t Chocolate though, but Cookie Dough was almost just as good. Relieved she took a spoon out of the dishwasher, leaned against the fridge and began to shove the ice cream right from the container into her mouth. Savoring the rich and soothing taste of the ice cream and the coolness it left on her tongue she closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. Her thoughts were still swirling in her head and obviously didn’t intend to settle down anytime in the near future.
“Are you still in touch with my parents?” Clark asked curiously when he entered the kitchen and leaned against the counter across from her. He was wondering what took her so long to get more coffee. At the same time he had realized her need for distance and wanted to give her that by lightening up the mood with this more casual question. At least he hoped this would be a casual question.
She jumped when she heard him speaking and immediately tensed up again. She had finally reached a certain stage of relaxation and hadn’t heard him coming into the kitchen. Couldn’t he leave her alone for just one minute to give her a chance to regain her composure and think about what she wanted?
“Yes, of course. Connor is their grandchild and you know they are much more parents for me than my own parents ever were. They just love Connor and spoil him rotten. I spend a lot of time in Smallville. Always when I definitely run out of power or when I just can’t bear it here anymore I visit them for a couple of days to… well, you know, recharge my batteries. Connor just loves to help out at the farm or to go fishing with your Dad. Last summer he even spent two week with your parents all by himself. I missed him terribly, but he was so proud he managed without me.” Lois smiled as her mind slipped to the memories of the quiet and comforting hours she had spent with Martha and Jonathan in Kansas.
*************
Christmas, about four and half years ago
Smallville, Kansas
Lois wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea to agree to Martha and Jonathan’s suggestion to spend Christmas with them in Smallville. She had been here since Clark was gone, but it was different now. She had planned on locking herself up somewhere to somehow survive the holidays. Perry had invited her to be with him, Alice and some friends, but she couldn’t stand the picture of celebrating Christmas when there was nothing she could celebrate. Martha at least had promised her a quiet Christmas dinner and holiday without much excitement and that had been next to Perry’s or her mother’s invitation definitely the best option.
Jonathan had picked her up from the airport the day before Christmas Eve and Martha had welcomed her at the farm with tea and a freshly baked apple pie. She was six months pregnant now and Martha and Jonathan were both excited about her swollen belly and that they could actually feel the baby kicking. Last time she had been here she hadn’t shown yet. By now she knew already she was having a little boy and couldn’t wait to share the news with the new grandparents-to-be.
Christmas Eve was spent in the quiet comfort of the farmhouse. Just her, Martha and Jonathan. They had some of Martha’s great home cooking for dinner and were now sitting in the living room, next to the fire place and talked about Lois’ latest stories for the Planet, her life in Metropolis and Martha’s newest works of art.
After a while Martha quietly got up, went upstairs and returned with a gift box, which she handed to Lois.
“I know, we had agreed on no presents, but I wanted to give that to you anyway. So I figured why not for Christmas,” she said while she handed the present to Lois.
Lois unwrapped it, opened the box, put the sheets of wrapping paper aside and discovered a dark blue baby blanket. Surprise came over her face when she realized what she was holding in her hand.
“The baby blanket Clark was wrapped in when you found him…” she whispered and took it out of the gift box. “Oh Martha, this is too much. I can’t take this. I know how much that blanket means to you.”
“Yes, you can Lois. I want you to have it for our grandson. After all, even if… when,” she corrected herself quickly, “Clark returns, he is gonna be too big to be wrapped in that blanket.” Martha answered with an easy smile.
“Thank you so much. I really appreciate this and I will take good care of it,” she promised with tears in her eyes while she gave Martha a hug.
Lois had decided to stay until New Years before she would return to Metropolis. She spent the days relaxing in front of the fireplace, listening to the crackling fire, or standing at the window watching the snow fall silently. She really liked the calmness of the cold winter days in Kansas and finally found the peace she had been searching for so long. Sometimes she sat in the rocking chair. Gently rocking back and forward, both hands placed on her swollen abdomen. She could feel the baby move inside her and enjoyed the intensive moments with her yet unborn son. There were endless hours of talking with Martha about Clark, the baby, and everything else that bothered her. They often thought back at the happy days when Clark had been still with them and the memories seemed to become less and less painful. At least as long as she was here. She could feel his spirit still present in this place where he had grown up and that comforted her. The pain would become stronger back in Metropolis when everything would remind her that Clark was not there.
***************
present, 12:00 am
Lois Apartment
Clark desperately wanted to take her in his arms and hold her close. He wanted to make the pain in her soul and her heart go away. But he also realized that she felt less and less comfortable in his presence. She repeatedly got up from the couch and paced up and down her living room while she kept talking. She didn’t even look at him anymore and tensed immediately when he caught her gaze for even only a second. She was lost completely in those ever so painful memories.
“Lois, do you want to take a break? You don’t need to tell me everything right now. Maybe you should go to bed and we carry on with this tomorrow,” he suggested.
“Let me just get another cup of coffee,” Lois answered distractedly and walked away from him. She wanted to get over with this whole tell-him-everything thing as soon as possible. It hurt so much to dig out those stories, but Clark deserved to know. In her mind she was asking herself where this was going. What did he expect from her?
At the same time she desperately fought the urge to through herself in Clark’s arms and cling to him to reassure herself he was really there. Instead she kept running away. It was much safer to run away. She knew it couldn’t be that easy to get him back just like that. The closeness to him made her loose her sanity and for the moment she couldn’t handle it anymore. She had buried her hope in a future with him only a couple of months ago and now he turned up again all of a sudden and crushed the peace she had finally found. Even though it was just an imaginary peace she forced herself to believe in. If she was really honest with herself, she knew deep inside her that she would never be able to find her peace of mind without him.
“Are you all right, Lois?” Clark asked concerned when she returned from the kitchen and wasn’t holding a cup of coffee in her hands.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she answered coolly and sat down on the couch across from him to put some space between them and to continue her narratives.
***************
about four and half years ago, 11:45 am
Daily Planet, newsroom
Lois and Jimmy were working on a story about gun smuggling. Every once in while Lois got up and started pacing around the newsroom. Perry watched her from his office and finally decided to ask her what was going on.
“Lois, Jimmy! How’s it going with your story? Makin’ any progress?” he bellowed across the newsroom when walked out of his office.
“Uh, not exactly. Those people just seem to be too good to be true, but I know better! I will find the skeletons in their closet, that’s for sure. Wouldn’t be the first time!” she answered and took in a sharp breath and closed her eyes after she finished that sentence.
“Are you in labor, Lois?” he asked and eyed her suspiciously when he reached her desk and successfully stopped her pacing.
“No, it’s just my back that’s killing me. Boy, I could really use a good back rub. Oh and by the way. you guys know the baby’s not due for another three weeks,” she answered reassuringly and exhaled slowly.
“Well, honey, I’ve been watching you all morning and you seem to be in pain in very regular intervals. For me it definitely looks like you are having contractions.”
“That’s just ridiculous. Don’t worry about me, Chief, I’m just fine. Really. It’s way too early for… Oh my God!”
“What? What’s the matter?” Perry and Jimmy called out.
“Um, my water just broke. I guess I could be a *little* more in labor than I originally thought,” Lois answered lightly panicky, while the water ran down her legs and puddled around her feet.
“Uh oh!” was the only thing Jimmy and Perry managed to say.
“Ouch, that really hurts!” she cried out, leaned on her desk and took deep cleansing breaths when another contraction hit.
Perry came back to his senses and realized that Lois’s labor was already far progressed.
“All right, honey, since when have you been having contractions?”
“The backache started some time late last night,” she answered.
“Oh my… We better get you to the hospital as soon as possible. Looks like that baby is going to be here soon. Can you walk?”
“Yeah, I think so. Jimmy would you call my mother and my sister and tell them to come to the hospital, please? OOOHH!” she screamed out again and reached out for Perry’s hand to squeeze.
*****
Five hours later Lois lay in her hospital bed and struggled to wake up from the anesthesia. She’d had a C-section. Her baby had had some trouble coming into this world. Labor had been progressing so fast that the baby’s sensitive circulation couldn’t handle the stress anymore. The heart rate had dropped to a critical status when the doctors decided to do an emergency C-section.
She tried to move, but stopped those efforts immediately when she felt the pain. Then she slowly opened her eyes and saw her mother sitting next to her and holding her hand. She looked concerned but also very happy.
“Lois, how are you feeling, darling?” she asked softly.
“Horrible. As if a truck had hit me,” Lois moaned dryly and drifted back to sleep.
Another hour later she managed to fight the remains of the anesthesia completely and woke up. Her mother was still in the room. This time she was sitting in a chair by the window and quietly talked and hummed lullabies to a bundle in her arms. When she realized that Lois was awake she got up and handed her the baby.
At the sight of her new baby boy tears filled her eyes. She finally held her son in her arms and felt an overwhelming happiness which she had never felt before. Only Clark’s presence could make this moment more perfect. When she looked in the baby’s tiny face she recognized Clark’s features, which had already started to fade away from her memory.
“Hey little guy, how are you doing? You look just like your daddy,” she whispered and forgot everything around her.
“So, what are you gonna name him?” Ellen asked impatiently and made Lois realize her presence once again. “You made such a big secret of it, but now that he’s born, I really want to know,” she persisted.
Lois had made a secret of the baby’s name, because she wasn’t sure herself. Of course it would be a nice gesture to name him after his father, but Lois felt that that would make her feel as if she had given up on Clark and name her son in honor of his dead father.
Meanwhile Martha, Jonathan, Lucy, Perry and Jimmy had also entered her room and brought blue “It’s a boy”-balloons, presents, and flowers. Now they stood around her bed and looked expectantly at her to reveal the baby’s name.
She looked at the baby one more time, took a deep breath and announced. “Connor. His name is Connor. Connor Joshua Kent.”
***************
present, 1:15 am
Lois Apartment
Tension filled the room. Even though they both tried desperately to stay composed, unexpressed emotions were stirring underneath the surface of their artificially casual conversation and threatened to break free any second.
Clark watched Lois getting up and rearranging the pile of magazines on the coffee table and the pillows on the couch before she sat down again and folded her hands in her lap. She was still so beautiful, it took his breath away. His gaze fell on her left hand and before he could reconsider he stated matter-of-factly, “You don’t wear your engagement ring anymore.”
Lois looked up and met his gaze, but broke the eye contact immediately. What she had to say now would hurt him just as much as it hurt her.
“I took it off when Connor turned three, about a year ago. I decided to finally stop mourning you to be a well-adjusted mother for our son. Connor deserves a happy childhood with a happy mother.”
“I understand, I guess… But… well, it took me by surprise. I didn’t expect you would ever take it off. You promised…”
Although he didn’t intend to sound reproachful, for her it did sound like a reproach and made her become impatient and slightly annoyed.
“Then tell me, what *did* you expect from me, Clark?” she interrupted him harshly.
He just looked at her, hurt and sad.
“You were gone for five years. For five awfully long years! At what point was I allowed to move on with my own life? Six years? Ten years? Never?” she asked, getting louder and becoming furious.
How could he simply come back and expect everything to be like he had left it behind? Everything changes in such a long time. So had their relationship. It just wasn’t the same anymore. For the moment she wasn’t even sure whether she still liked him or not. She had locked up those feelings for so long, they might have vanished during that time.
Or not?
“I only made it through this hell on New Krypton because I was thinking of you every hour, every minute, every second. I constantly thought about you and how our life together would be and how happy we were going to be. The faith that you were waiting for me on Earth kept me going and gave me the power to combat Lord Nor and defend my own people. Then I come back and see that you don’t need me and, even worse, obviously don’t even want me anymore. So what am *I* supposed to do in this situation?”
His disappointment was apparent in his voice and even though he tried to remain calm and patient his anger surfaced. How could she do this to him? He had done everything to come back to her and she refused him.
Lois stared at him with a serious expression and no tears in her face.
“Clark, I can’t deal with all this right now. You show up and want everything back you left behind, but I… I can’t give you that. Nobody can give you that. It’s different now… *I’m* different…”
Clark stared back at her. Speechless. His hopes and his future were crumbling around him and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.
In her dark brown eyes he could read determination. Determination to keep her heart locked and never let him in again. He had ruined everything the day he had left earth and her to help the people on New Krypton. The people who were supposed to be like him. The people who had treated him like an outsider while he had saved them and their stupid society. The people who had sent him away right after that civil war was won, because he didn’t fit in in the Kryptonian society and they couldn’t accept him as a permanent leader.
“Maybe you better leave,” Lois whispered after a while of absolute silence.
“Maybe you’re right,” Clark answered, gave her a last sad look and turned around and left.
tbc…
