Okay, if you want to know what the heck is going on here, this is your chapter.
Thanks again to my two betas Terry Leatherwood and blindpassenger To Love And To Lose
Part 2 I stop outside. When has Lois Lane ever been known to give up that easily?
But surely I’m able to see when a battle is lost. And what have I been thinking? That Clark would gladly pick up our friendship from where we left off? I hurt him so badly that he became a
war reporter rather than to stay in Metropolis. How could I ever convince him that I truly love him after what I did to him? And he doesn’t even know half of it! How can I expect that he loves me after all this time?
I still remember the dejected look on Superman’s face when I broke off with him.
<I knew that you never really loved me, Lois. I’ve known from the very beginning.>
<How could I really love you, Kal? I don’t know you. You don’t let me.>
<It’s true, Lois. There are things about me that you don’t know. But I don’t think that knowing them would change anything. In fact, I believe they would only drive us further apart. I just can’t be the man you want me to be. I have tried, oh Lord, have I tried.>
I believe this was the first time I saw Superman cry. Tears were rolling down his cheeks when he said goodbye. In the blink of an eye, my world fell apart. Breaking up with Superman had been no decision I had taken in the spur of the moment. But still, as soon as I had done it, I felt strangely empty. The worst thing was that there was no one to talk to, not Lucy and particularly not Clark. For a year and a half he had been the one to turn to in times of need. Even after I had started my relationship with Superman he was there for me.
It had killed me to keep him in the dark about Superman and me. But Kal had insisted that it was better that way. The fewer people knew, the safer I was. He had probably been right. Still, all those secrets had turned my life upside down.
I’m standing on the other side of the street as Steven and Clark leave the shop. Clark talks to Steven for a while until they finally shake hands and walk off in different directions.
I can’t help but follow him as he leaves the side road the book shop is located. He heads for the next main street. I know I'm going to lose him if he's taking a cab there.
Clark turns the corner and the next moment he’s out of sight. I let out a soft curse and hurry to catch up with him. The lights on my corner of the street turn red, and a few moments later traffic on the main street is going again. I see several cabs pass the crossway. Disappointment washes through me as I realize that Clark is probably gone.
Finally, I reach the crossroad and change the sidewalk, walking around the same corner Clark did. And suddenly, I see him again. He’s leaning on his cane and walking down the street.
Should I call him? Should I close the distance and join him? Truth be told, I’m not ready to face him just yet. So I keep following him. With a rush of panic, it dawns on me that I haven't got a clue what I’m going to say to him as soon as we reach his destination. And given his heavy limp, that might be any minute now since he decided to walk the distance.
Superman's voice echoes in my head again, drowning out my thoughts.
<There are things about me that you don't know. But I don't think that knowing them would change anything. It would only drive us further apart>What had he been talking about? What kind of secret had he been hiding? Had he already known about New Krypton? That he would have to leave?
<You know, Clark, I have a funny feeling that you didn't tell me your biggest secret.
<Well, just to put your little mind at ease Lois... you're right.>That memory of Clark pops in my head. He, too, had been hiding something. I had almost forgotten about his irritating habit of running out on me and his lack of suitable explanations.
And suddenly, an epiphany hits me like a ton of bricks. Clark's book, New Krypton, Superman... Could it be that Lord Elwood is really Kal El? Has Superman returned to earth and told Clark his story? They had been friends after all... Or is this book such a page-turner because it’s actually an autobiography disguised as fiction?
I gasp in shock at the implications. Is Clark really Superman? Reflexively, I shake my head. That is ridiculous. How could my clumsy former partner be Superman? I've seen them together, haven't I? The three of us were at my apartment. We...
But that was Superman's clone. And aside from that, I've never really seen them in the same place. In fact, Clark used to run off to call the police or contact Superman only seconds before the caped hero showed up. Was that how he did it? Had he just changed into the costume?
Lost in thought, I still follow Clark. The streets are deserted in this area, because most of the shops are closed at this hour. A few cars pass by, but even the traffic is low by Metropolis standards.
Clark has slowed down, making it rather easy for me to keep up. His shoulders are slumped and he runs a hand through his hair. It's a gesture that usually indicates he’s distressed. As I watch him from behind, it seems even more unlikely that he could be Superman. It's not only the cane and the limp which rule out the possibility. He doesn't look like him at all, not anymore anyway. Years ago, there might have been a slight resemblance. Besides, Kal has super-healing. Wouldn't that mean that whatever happened to him on New Krypton should be healed by now?
And he would have told me, wouldn't he? After all, Superman stands for truth. He wouldn't have kept his secret identity from me. Superman is much stronger than that. If Clark was really him, he wouldn't have gone into hiding. He wouldn’t pretend he’s dead.
<I tried to be the man you wanted me to be.> What had Superman meant by that? I have no idea. In fact, I don't know what to think. Right now, I'm not even sure why I am following Clark. To clear the air? To get answers he might not even be able to give? To win him back? What am I going to do if my crazy idea is right? If Clark really is Superman? Would I be mad at him for never telling me? Would I even want him back? After all I broke up with him. And what if I'm wrong?
These are too many what-ifs. I'm not going to find the solution by mulling over the problem.
Before I really know what I'm doing, I pick up my pace and close the distance. Clark is just walking into Centennial Park. A few lights brighten the deserted path. Maybe that's for the best - no prying ears.
“Clark!” I yell after him. “Clark, wait, we need to talk!”
For the longest of moments he doesn't react. I wonder, if by a cruel twist of fate, I've been following the wrong man with a cane. But as I reach him, he stops and faces me, his brows raised.
“Lois,” he says softly. In his eyes I see the faint hint of a smile. “I should have known that you wouldn't give up that easily.”
“Of course I'm not giving up, not now that I've finally found you. I thought you were dead. Everyone at the Planet did.” I swallow hard with the lump that suddenly is in my throat.
“Well, as you see, I'm not,” he replies. “You can go back and tell everyone the big news.” He shrugs as if none of this really matters to him, as if he no longer cares for the people he used to call friends. His agonized expression, however, belies his words.
“After everything we went through, you can't tell me that you don't care,” I challenge him.
“That's just it, Lois,” he retorts almost angrily. “We went through too much! What do you even want?” He looks pained, completely spent.
I've seen him like that before. When I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. I don't know how I could have been so blind to never realize they were one and the same. Now it's so obvious I want to knock myself over the head. A pair of glasses, a cane, long black hair and a beard – he’s never hidden his identity better than now.
But he is no longer able to fool me. Clark Kent is Superman.
“Why did you never tell me that you’re Superman?” My voice is unsteady, trembling with the last shred of uncertainty about his true identity.
For a moment there, I think he’s going to laugh and tell me that I’m nuts. But then Clark’s eyes widen in shock. His mouth opens and closes a few times as if he’s trying to say something. Maybe he feels just as overwhelmed by my discovery as I am. Seconds stretch into an eternity.
“Because I'm not,” he finally whispers.
A rush of anger fills me. Doesn't he realize that it's a little late for denial? The look on his face alone is all the confirmation I need.
Before I can respond, he continues. “I've only ever been Clark. That is who I was when I came to Metropolis and I was still Clark when I left. Superman was someone I created to help. He ceased to exist when I left for New Krypton.”
I find Clark’s perception of Superman rather irritating. “He was real to me.”
“I know.” Clark heaves a sigh. “For your sake, I tried to make him real. But I failed, didn't I? You broke up with me as soon as you realized that Superman was just another guy with flaws, same as everyone else. Or did you already know then that he was in fact just plain old Clark?”
I shake my head. My innards are burning with anger. “That's not the reason, you mule-headed moron.” I shout out. Too late, I realize that calling him names is not the best course of action if I want to regain Clark's friendship. Filled with shame, I clamp my mouth shut and look at my feet.
“That's it. I'm done here,” Clark retorts and turns his back on me.
For a moment there, I'm ready to let him go. He's just aggravating. After putting Superman on my private list of federal disasters, I glorified Clark - his patience, his consideration. Superman hadn't been patient. Or why else would he have made love to me the first chance he got? He hadn't even been such a great lover. Well, actually I'm not being fair, since I had been his first time. Later, he'd changed in that respect. Clark was different, or so I thought. But how could he be, when he was actually Superman? How could that even be true? This is all so confusing. But no matter what becomes of it, I have to know the truth, now.
“Don't you dare run out on me,” I cry. I can’t keep the anger from my voice.
Clark turns his head and flashes me a furious glance. He brandishes his cane and laughs bitterly. “As if I could.”
Wrong choice of words. Again! Inwardly rolling my eyes at my own tactlessness, I bite my lips.
He heaves a sigh of resignation. “Okay, Lois, by all means, go on insulting me. I'm listening.”
I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I know that he won't give me another chance.
“I'm sorry, Clark. That was uncalled for. The truth is, I had no idea Superman was you all along. I realized it just now. I have been so blind. But something about you suddenly opened my eyes tonight.”
I pause and wish he would say anything to indicate whether I have finally managed to find the right words. But he just looks at me impassively.
“I broke up with Superman because there was a part of him that he just wouldn't let me see.” There is something else I need to say. After this tremendous mess we created, someone needs to speak the truth. I take a deep breath, before I continue. “And I broke up with him because I love you, Clark.”
Clark stares at me, open mouthed. Then his jaw tenses and he clamps his mouth shut. He looks down, his jaw still working. Anger seeps through his every pore until it becomes almost palpable.
His face shows his pain and he is not even trying to hide it. “You broke my heart, Lois,” he croaks. “Twice. Love is not something you put on like a robe and change whenever you feel like it.”
“But Clark...”
“I'm not done yet,” he interrupts me. His brows furrow in anger. “Lois, we both know that you don't love me. You told Clark so in no uncertain terms, and you told Superman. What kind of future could there be for us?”
“Then tell me, why did you come to me as Superman and kiss me senseless? Why didn't you just tell me about your secret? Why did you make love to me, when I had just broken your heart?” Tears start to flow freely down my cheeks. “You didn't even stop to ask if I wanted that!”
“I don't remember you complaining,” Clark retorts. “Who chose that flimsy, revealing breath of nothing? I sure didn't make you wear that!”
Now it’s my time to fly off the handle. “That's so chauvinistic! Okay, I wanted it, too. But that still doesn't explain your behavior. Did you do it just to spite Luthor? The Clark I knew wouldn't have done that. The Clark I knew even resisted my advances when I was under the influence of the pheromone!”
His expression softens. “Yeah, he did, didn't he?” he says wistfully.
The shared memory obviously has a calming effect on both of us. “Clark, don't you think I deserve the truth? After everything that happened between us, I think we both need to talk.”
He lets out a slow breath and nods reluctantly. “I guess we've both done things we're not proud of,” he concedes. “Okay, let's talk. I owe you that much. Come on, Lois. I need to get back to my hotel. We can talk there. This is not something we should discuss here.”
“Where are you staying?” I ask curiously. We've been walking past several decent hotels, but as far as I know, the next place is several blocks down the street.
“Centennial Hotel,” Clark replies.
“You can't be serious,” I gasp. That's on the other side of the park. It's quite a walk from here for a healthy person. For Clark, it must be next to impossible.
“I needed some fresh air,” he explains uneasily. After a moment, he adds, “I guess I could use a cab.”
***
Despite the late hour, it is pretty easy to hail a cab. We spend the ride in an uncomfortable silence, which is rather difficult for me. A myriad of questions appear in my head. It takes all the willpower I have not to ask them all at once. But even Mad Dog Lane has to admit that a cab is not the right place to discuss our private issues.
Fortunately for me, even a ride through half the city doesn’t take all that long at this late hour.
A little later, I follow Clark along the corridors of the Centennial Hotel until we reach his room. He fumbles for his key card and opens the door. Then he steps aside to let me go first. Still the gentleman.
I shrug off my coat and step into the room. It's a suite with an adjoining bedroom. I stop dead in my tracks as I find myself looking into the blue eyes of a blond woman my age. She gets up from a large, comfortable sofa.
“Clark, you're back,” she says. Her brows rise in surprise as she sees me. “Oh, you have company.”
Clark introduces us. “Lana, this is Lois. We used to work at the Daily Planet. Lois, this is Lana. She's an old friend from Smallville.” Clark, too, takes off his coat. Then he turns to Lana. “How did things go with Sara?”
Lana smiles broadly. “She was such a sweety! Fell asleep right away and hasn't woken up once.”
“Thank you for looking after her,” Clark says. For the first time this evening, a full blown smile appears on his lips.
“Is there anything you need?” Lana asks.
“Thank you,” Clark says gently, “but no. You go to bed. It's late already. I’m sorry for keeping you up this long. Have a good night, Lana.”
“It was my pleasure. Good night, Clark.“ Lana gives him a soft peck on his cheek, before she turns to leave.
The kiss is innocent enough. He doesn’t pull her into an embrace and she doesn’t linger any longer than strictly necessary to say goodbye. There is no indication that the two of them are anything but what Clark already told me – friends. Still, I feel incredibly jealous all of a sudden, jealous at their familiarity that seems just so natural.
Clark and I both stand there in silence until Lana closes the door behind her. I need a moment to sort my feelings. Clark takes my coat and hangs it up.
When he comes back, I ask, “Who is Sara?”
Clark’s jaw tenses. “Just to make one thing crystal clear, Lois. Everything we discuss tonight is strictly off the record. Not to mention my having been Superman.”
Ouch! That hurts. “Do you have so little trust in me?”
“I’m sorry, that was petty. Of course I know you wouldn’t destroy my life just for a headline.” Clark’s stern expression softens a bit. “Sara is my daughter,” he volunteers. Then he points towards the couch, inviting me to sit. I take the gesture as a peace-offering.
“You… you have a daughter?” My stutter betrays my shock and I sit down quickly. “How… why…”
“The people of New Krypton were pretty adamant about needing an heir for their throne,” Clark says with a wry smile. He sits down as well, putting as much distance between us as physically possible. “They wouldn’t take ‘No’ for an answer. Much as some other person I happen to know.”
His dark brown eyes rest on me. Sometimes they seem to look right into my soul. For a moment, I really don’t know what to say. This has happens a lot tonight, too many times for my comfort.
“So, your novel is autobiographic,” I ask. I have the strange notion of leading an interview with the man I used to call my best friend. How did we even get to this point? This feels far too formal.
Clark lets out a soft chuckle. Maybe he has exactly the same thought? “Pretty much. There are some details I invented, though.”
“Such as? And don’t tell me you changed the names. That part is obvious!”
The Clark I used to know would have taken the bait and teased me. This Clark doesn’t.
Instead, he looks down at his lap. “The love story, for example. That didn’t happen as I described it.” He looks up again and his eyes find mine. “After you broke up with me… after I left the Planet, I became Superman almost full time. Two Kryptonians, Lady Zara and Lieutenant Ching, came to earth around that time. They only watched me, at first. Eventually they contacted me and told me about the war on New Krypton. Lord Nor, a cruel and selfish man wanted to claim the throne and marry Lady Zara. They asked me to come with them. That was when I decided to let Clark be a war reporter. That way no one would suspect a thing if he vanished about the same time as Superman did.”
I nod. Before he had left for New Krypton, Superman had given an interview to the press, telling us about an impending war on his home world and that he needed to go. He hadn’t given any more details back then.
Softly, I ask “And why did they need you?”
“Well, I was the rightful heir to their throne,” Clark replies. A faint blush creeps onto his cheeks. I know that he had never been very comfortable being the center of attention. “My father Jor-El had been High Emperor of Krypton before it exploded. Lady Zara and I had been married as babies, a custom that’s pretty common among Kryptonian nobles. Her father had been the leader of their people, when they were still searching for a new homeworld.” He pauses and gets up from the sofa. “I’m thirsty. Can I get you something to drink?”
“Some water would be nice,” I say gratefully.
On his way to the mini-bar, he continues. “Zara’s father had died. While she was his successor, she was also a woman. According to Kryptonian Law, she could never become more than an interim leader. She had to marry, and as long as my death could not be confirmed, Zara wasn’t free to marry anyone else but me.”
Clark bends down to open a little fridge standing close to the door. He takes out two bottles of water, picks up two glasses that are sitting on the fridge, and limps back to the sofa.
“Kryptonian Law is more than just a little complicated,” he says with a sigh. “I don’t think I ever fully understood why things had to be so utterly difficult. Anyway, in my novel, Lord Elwood falls in love with his Lady Judith.” Another pause follows as Clark sits down again and pours each of us a glass of water. Then he puts both bottles on a little table that is standing in front of the sofa. Slowly he takes a sip of water and looks at the glass in his hands. He swirls the contents around a few times before he empties the glass in another gulp and sets it on the table as well.
“The truth is that Zara was already deeply in love with Lieutenant Ching. When Zara’s and my marriage was sealed, I told her that I wouldn’t hold her to her vows.” Looking up at me, he shoots me a meaningful glance. “Actually, I was too heartbroken to really give myself into a marriage after what happened between you and me. Particular since I didn’t love Zara.”
My cheeks flush with embarrassment. Before I allow myself to get carried away by my feelings, I quickly ask, “And how did you end up having a child together?”
“Uhh, things didn’t go as planned,” Clark grunts and looks away. “I wanted to prevent the war and then change the law so that Zara and Ching could marry after all. But that plan failed. After one year into our marriage, we were still not any closer to peace than we had been in the beginning. The Council of Elders was worried about our inability to produce an heir. Little did they know that we hadn’t even tried.” Another chuckle escapes his lips, hinting at the humor that I love so much about Clark.
Incredulous, I ask, “So they forced you to have a baby?”
Clark nods. “Artificial insemination,” he mutters, blushing once again. “Not my favorite procedure, I’ll have you know.”
“I guess it was even less pleasant for Zara.”
“You may have a point there,” Clark concedes. “At least we could convince the Council to try it this way before they could force artificial fertilization on us. That would have been even worse for her.”
He takes the bottle of water again and pours himself another drink. This time he empties the glass in one gulp.
“The rest pretty much happened as I wrote it. The war turned from bad to worse. Nor almost won the upper hand until I eventually managed to defeat him. I was badly wounded and almost didn’t survive. Zara died in childbirth after Ching was killed in the final battle.” Clark’s expression turns sad. I can tell by the look on his face that while he might not have been in love with Zara, she had been a good friend.
“Perhaps Zara had lost her will to live when she learned about Ching’s death, I don’t know.” He heaves a sigh. “Without Zara and without a male heir, I lost almost any support I had in the Council. After Nor's death, there suddenly were a couple of families next in line to inherit my title.”
Clark stands up and walks over to the window that is behind the huge sofa. He turns his back on me and looks into the darkness outside. I see him clench and open his fist a few times as if he is struggling with the memory.
“Most of the Elders hoped I would die so that one of their sons could claim the throne of the High Emperor. Some of them were even ready to kill me to achieve their goal. So right after I ended one war, another one started.” He shakes his head sadly.
“In the end, I had only one ally left. Trey realized before I did that I would be fighting a losing battle. He urged me to leave. He refused to sacrifice my life for a world that was so obviously incapable of embracing peace.” Clark turns around to face me again. “Sara and I owe him our lives.”
“And then you returned to Earth.”
“I was sent back to my parents,” Clark continues softly. “They were pretty shocked to find me on their door step, covered in blood and cradling a wailing baby to my chest.” He falls silent for a while and stares into space.
I don't know what to say. Instead, I reach for my own glass and take a sip. Reading about a bloody war in a book is one thing. Knowing that mild-mannered, gentle Clark actually fought it is something completely different. There is a haunted look in his eyes, as if he is reliving all those memories right now.
I put my glass back on the table and break the silence. “How long have you been back?”
“About a year, give or take,” he says. The haunted look disappears.
“You still haven't healed.“ I wonder for a moment in what a terrible shape he might have been when he returned.
“Uh, actually, I don't know about that,” he shrugs. “My wounds have healed, my invulnerability has kicked back in. All my other powers are still noticeably absent.”
I glance at the cane that still rests in Clark’s hands. “What about your leg?”
“Mom calls it a dissociative paralysis. She’s picked up her psychology classes again,” Clark replies, a wry smile appearing on his lips. “Basically, she thinks that my subconscious is suppressing my powers and causing the pain in my leg so that I don't have to be Superman again.”
I frown. “And what do you think?”
Clark shakes his head. “I don't know. She could be right. Or maybe after living under a red sun for almost two years, it just takes time for the yellow sun to work its magic.”
I’m surprised by his casualness. Or is it just an act? “Don't you miss your powers?”
“I’ve always wanted to be normal, have a family.” Once again, Clark doesn't really answer my question. “I admit that this is not quite how I imagined becoming a father.” A smile spreads across his lips as he thinks about Sara.
He loves her, but I think, deep down he misses his powers, too.
<When we were little, Lucy and I'd play a game. We'd ask each other, 'What would you rather be able to do - fly, or be invisible?'>
<And you chose...>
<Invisible. I wished I could walk through all those closed doors. I guess I still do.>
<And what do you think you'll find there, behind those closed doors?>
<I don't know. Something different, wonderful... something I don't have, or can't have. So, what about you?>
<Huh?>
<Invisible? Or fly?>
<Fly.>
<Really?>
<Yeah.> “I bet you miss the flying.” I whisper.
“Who wouldn't?” he says softly.
Suddenly, I wish I could go back in time to start over new. I want to be on that roof again, just getting to know Clark. I want to take off the blindfolds and really see him. Not that he is Superman, I mean. I don’t think that I would have made good use of that knowledge. But see him for who he really is inside. That could have spared us both some trouble.
Or would it? A tiny voice keeps nagging me in the back of my mind that there are things I still don’t know about Clark.
I heave a sigh and shift on my seat. “How did we end up here?”
He raises his brows. “On this sofa? Let me think. You followed me, insulted me and then demanded that I tell you everything about myself.” For the briefest of moments, he lets me see his smile again. I think that for the first time this evening he’s actually smiling because of me. “Yeah, I guess that about sums it up.”
“No, silly!” I roll my eyes. “How did we end up making each other’s lives so miserable, Clark?”
His expression sobers. “Well, we made some pretty bad mistakes.”
“Like me hurting you when I asked you to contact Superman, right after you had confessed your love for me…” Maybe that had been the worst of all. A little stone I kicked off that started a landslide. “But why on Earth did you come? Why did you let me add insult to injury?” I take a deep breath, still not able to understand how he could have kissed me, after I had just broken his heart.
“I wasn’t in my right mind,” he replies. He gets up from the sofa to look out of the window.
“You can say that again!” I mutter. “Clark, what-”
A soft wail interrupts us, followed by another, louder cry.
Clark turns around to look at the bedroom door. “Sara is awake,” Clark says. “Look, I have to take care of her. Perhaps it’s even better when you read what happened to me. I brought the journal I wrote back then.”
Much to my surprise, he grabs a notebook that sits on the coffee table and hands it to me. “The notes you’re looking for should be somewhere in the middle. I’ll be back in a bit.”
I gasp in surprise. “You're carrying around your journal from three years ago?”
Clark chuckles softly. “I was asked to write another book. Turning my time on New Krypton into a novel proved to be rather therapeutic. So I thought this emotional rollercoaster ride might be worth a shot.”
He turns and hurries into the bedroom. “Hello, Sweety,” I hear him whisper. “Did you wake up? Daddy's here now. Shush.”
I look at the notebook and open it, still a bit flabbergasted. Each page is marked with a date and filled with Clark’s neat handwriting. I flip through the pages until I find the date I am looking for, the day I told Superman about my feelings for him. But I can’t find the exact date. It should be May 1st. Clark’s journal stops on the day before. That’s strange, because aside from that he seems to be a very regular writer.
I read about the destruction of the Daily Planet, about me starting to work for Luthor... Clark wrote about his failed attempts to tell me what kind of a man Luthor was and how afraid he was that I might accept his proposal. The journal stops one day before Clark revealed his feelings for me in Centennial Park. For some strange reason, the journal picks up three days later.
May 3rd, 1994
Just when I thought that life was difficult enough with juggling two identities, things completely get out of hand. I wish I could pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare. But try as I might, I can’t go back in time and change what happened. I’ve got to live with it somehow. Any hope of making Lois see Clark is shattered now. Lois Lane is Superman's girlfriend. I don't even know how that happened. Well, I do know which events led to it. But for the life of me, I don’t understand what was going on with me.
When I try to remember the past few days, it’s as if it’s all veiled by some haze, as if I had been drugged. Is that even possible? I’d like to say that this Superman wasn’t me. Mom would have a field day. And she'd tan my hide, too, if she knew what I've done.
It all started three days ago, when I met Lois and told her about my feelings for her. That probably wasn’t such a smart move, but I was kind of desperate. I couldn’t let her marry Luthor just like that. Unfortunately, pouring my heart out backfired, painfully so. Lois said that she only loved me like a brother. I guess I had half expected that. It still hurt, though. Admittedly, not as much as what she said next. She asked me to contact Superman for her. Of course, she has only eyes for him. But why does she have to rub it in my face when I just confessed that I loved her? That would be cruel even if I actually were two people.
I spent the next few hours agonizing about whether I should go and see her as Superman. I mean, I could imagine what she was going to ask him. That was bound to hurt some more.
Before I could make up my mind, a false bank alarm sounded. There hadn't been a robbery. From then on, something strange was going on with me. Suddenly, I felt relaxed and completely at ease. All the frustration and heart-ache were gone. And visiting Lois seemed like a fantastic idea. So I did. It was already dark when I hovered over her apartment. Lois had been waiting for me.
She wore a sweet little nightgown that revealed more than it covered.
“I heard you wanted to see me,” I said.
She invited me in. “Yes, please come in. I'll put on a robe.”
“Please, Lois, don't. I like what I see,” I replied huskily.
If she had been put off by that, she covered it well. Instead of fetching the robe, she just stayed with me. Her cheeks looked a little flushed.
“There have been a lot of changes going on in my life and I'm trying to make the right decisions. But I can't until I know how you feel.” She closed the distance between us and touched my chest. “Superman, is there any hope for us? You and me? I'm so completely in love with you that I-“
That was when I kissed her like I had never kissed her before. Nothing else mattered but the feeling of her lips on mine. My hands explored nearly every inch of her body I could reach without undressing her. And I wanted more, so much more. I wanted to lose myself in her, wanted to feel her naked skin on mine. I couldn’t get close enough to still my hunger for her. It was all encompassing. When we parted, we were both breathless.
“Oh, Lois, you don't know how much I’ve been longing to hear you say this,” I muttered. Then I kissed her again.
It didn't matter to me that I was with her as Superman. I didn’t waste a thought on the possible consequences. I simply didn’t care about anything but my pleasure. Somehow I’d been reduced to my primal instincts and let lust take over. One thing led to another and suddenly I was making love to Lois. She didn't stop me, either. I'm not sure what would have happened if she had tried to. That’s what scares me most.
Hours later, I woke up from this drug induced state or whatever it was. Totally confused, I excused myself with having to save someone and flew off. But before I could come to terms with what I had done, there were similar events like the false alarm. And each time I arrived at the scene of a supposed crisis, I felt that same kind of lethargy take hold of me. Nothing seemed to matter but what I really wanted. And that was to lose myself in Lois' touch, her body, her kisses.
I lost three whole days that way. For some reason, those incidents stopped and I was my old self again. I don't know what caused this. I'd suspect it was Luthor's doing, but I really don't see why he would want Superman to have an affair with Lois. That just doesn't make sense!
The problem is, what am I going to do now? Tell Lois that I didn't mean for this to happen? That I made a mistake? She'll be devastated. She’d probably lose any trust in men in general. Moreover, I'd push her right back into Luthor's arms. She just told Luthor that she couldn't marry him. I should be overjoyed, only I’m not. Can I really love her as just Superman and only be her friend as Clark?
But what`s the alternative? It would be totally crazy to break up with her as Superman and keep wooing her as Clark. In the end, she'd end up dating Superman anyway. Or should I tell her my secret? Would she understand and welcome Clark into her life as well? Or will she think that I tricked her into a relationship she didn't want? I don't know what to do.
I don’t want to watch Lois from afar when she is in love with someone else, even if that someone is me. This is nuts! To be concludedPlease
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