The nagging feeling was back, pulsing through his veins, overwhelming, like the roar of a jet over an uncharted valley.
I like this line.
It is improving and getting more interesting. I did not like the first chapter though. It was basically plagarism. There was not much to it besides being the episode written out with some small parts added.
But the last two chapters have been an improvement. You write well. There are some small things you need to work on. It takes away from the good parts.
The problem is that you are trying too hard. It is obvious in your writing when you try to write suspense. There is too much, and when a story has too much, it becomes a little boring.
The part where you said he was running up the stairs was confusing. It took me a little while to realize what you meant. You said "up the stairs" when the impression was that Lois was outside or downstairs some where. I even went back and read the chapter before just to understand, I was so confused. Maybe you should have left that part out and wrote that he just "bounded towards the door"?
You are abusing the ellipse. I think that you are using it to create suspense? Try using more suspenseful words in their place instead. Weave a suspenseful situation with words, not ellipses.
I do not know if you are aware, but when you end a sentence with an ellipse, there are four dots. When it is within a sentence, you use three.
You really should get someone to proofread it and tell you these things so you can improve. You can write well, it is obvious, but it can also be improved.
