I thinbk I'm about to start a controversy here.
Sheila, it's no secret that you have been extremely critical of Lois in this fic, much more critical of her than of Clark. And you have criticized her so harshly even though she has always wanted Clark to stay with her, while Clark has been the one who has wanted to put an expiration date on their marriage.
(All right, Lois has indeed asked for a divorce, but she has done it for the same reason that people on death row sometimes try to kill themselves - to put an end to the agonizing countdown torture.)
In your last post, you shared some of your personal experience with us. You were in no way obliged to do so, and we most certainly don't have any right to critique your personal life choices. Even so, I'm going to quote something you said.
I just thought I'd share a story from personal experience. When DH and I walked out of the courtroom after the final hearing on our divorce, he said he was afraid he had made a mistake. Although I still loved him dearly and hadn't wanted the divorce, I was so furious that I wanted to slap him. He put the kids and me through six months of hell for something he wasn't sure about?! He could have stopped it any time before that by withdrawing the petition, and he waited until it was too late before he had second thoughts? I didn't slap him or scream at him, but I think I said, "It's a little late now, isn't it?" and walked off.
It definitely seems to me as if you blame your husband for your divorce:
Although I still loved him dearly and hadn't wanted the divorce
...
He put the kids and me through six months of hell for something he wasn't sure about?
Your husband put you and your kids through six months of hell asking for a divorce that you yourself didn't want. Finally you gave him what he was asking for, and then he told you that he wasn't sure about the divorce. You reacted angrily:
I didn't slap him or scream at him, but I think I said, "It's a little late now, isn't it?" and walked off.
You walked off, instead of fighting for an immediate re-marriage. I'm sure I don't blame you for walking off. I think most FoLCs here sympathize with you.
But I think you may be telling us that you later regretted walking off. I imagine that the divorce caused you a lot of heartache and practical problems, and in hindsight, you may have wished that you had swallowed your pride and tried to get your husband back as soon as possible.
So you blame yourself for not doing enough to salvage your marriage or getting a remarriage as soon as possible after the divorce. And you blame yourself for this even though you acknowledge that it was your husband who was the one who wanted to break up.
Now it seems to me that you blame
Lois for the fact that Clark wants to get out of his marriage, in the same way that you seem to blame yourself for not salvaging your own marriage or getting remarried sooner after your husband had insisted on a divorce. When it comes to your own situation and your own marriage, only you can be the judge of what was right and wrong there. However, if you apply the same principles to all marriages, things get more complicated and troublesome. Because then you are in fact saying that it is the wife's fault if the husband pushes for a divorce.
In my opinion, each marriage is its own special case, and it is impossible for an outsider to assign blame onto one party or the other without knowing the circumstances as well as the spouses do. It is particularly impossible to say that it is
always the husband's fault, or it is
always the wife's fault.
But, Sheila, it seems to me that that is what you are saying. If the husband wants a divorce, it is
always the wife's fault.
If you look at marriage that way, I think you are saying that marriage is not an equal partnership at all, not something that both spouses are responsible for. Instead, marriage is a gracious gift that the husband bestows on his wife, and the wife, in return, should be humbly laboring to preserve the gift her husband has bestowed on her. She is the one who should tirelessly labor to convince her husband that he will be less happy if he leaves her than if he stays.
Maybe I have misread you. Maybe that is not what you are saying at all. But even if that really
is what you are saying, it doesn't follow that I have the right to criticize you for holding this view. We are certainly all entitled to our opinions.
But, Sheila, it seems to me that you have repeatedly told Carol that she should re-write her story and change Lois's behaviour. I get the impression that you have been slamming this story to the point that you have insisted that Lois's behaviour is intolerable and needs to be changed. And if that is what you really think, then you haven't been sharing your own opinions with us. Instead you have told us that it is a wife's
duty to fight for her marriage if her husband wants to leave, and if he leaves her after all it is the wife's own fault. Moreover you have told us that this is not your
opinion but the
truth.
If that is what you have been saying, Sheila, then I think you have crossed a line. But I must admit that I'm not at all certain that I have read you correctly.
Ann
