I usually don't like episode rewrites, but I make an exception for good variations on TOGOM. Your story had a promising beginning and I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with Lucy's knowledge. There's a chance for some dramatic tension between the two sisters, with Lois agonizing over Clark's "death," and Lucy's calm acceptance of the situation because she knows he really isn't dead. Other than that, I don't have a clue where this is going, unless it just follows the storyline of the episode, which would be a disappointment. I look forward to being pleasantly surprised.
