Just realized I needed to post another part! Sorry for the wait.
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His side of the research for their latest story took Clark only about on hour to accomplish, and he was able to do so outside the office. Then he chose to spend a little while patrolling as Superman before returning to face Lois again. Flying usually helped to clear his mind and if there was a time he needed to clear it, now was the time.
What was he going to do if this child turned out to be his? He had no idea how to take care of a child. Sure, he had the best role models in his parents, but they lived all the way in Kansas.
And his parents… They’d be stunned. What would they think of him? What would they think of Kim? They’d met her once. Would they react poorly of her and reflect that back onto the child? He answered that quickly, of course not. They’d go out of their way to help the little boy out while he adjusted to his new father and surroundings.
Then there was Superman. How would he handle being Superman *and* a sinlge parent? It would be almost impossible to keep his alter ego a secret. Was it fair to ask a small child to keep such confidences? And what about the need to fly away in a hurry? He couldn't do that with a child in the house. If ever he needed Lois more, it was now.
Lois. What about her? She was so upset over this. He couldn’t blame her for that. He’d be upset if he was in her shoes. She’d had a difficult time reconciling her feelings over his dual identity and now she had to deal with another life-changing part of his past. How would she possibly deal with this? Obviously it was going to be a huge problem for them both. He needed her more now than he’d ever needed her before, yet it just didn’t seem she felt the same way. He also needed to apologize for his hurtful comments in the car that morning. Causing Lois even more pain hadn't been his intention, but he couldn't have stopped himself if he'd tried. He had already been in shock when she lashed out at him. Thinking that she could believe him to be so careless and irresponsible tore through him with unforgiving force, causing him to say things he definitely didn't mean.
He shrugged off further thoughts when his pager vibrated against his side. It was a number he didn’t recognize, so he landed in the nearest alley and hurried down the sidewalk to the Planet. It could be Ms. Grange calling with the results to this test, then he'd know the direction in which his life would moving.
Clark hurried past Lois to his desk and dialed the number in his pager. “This is Clark Kent returning your call.”
“Mr. Kent, this is Dana Grange.”
“Yes, Ms. Grange. Are the results in?”
“Yes. We got them back a little sooner than expected, but I would like to deliver the results in person. Is it possible to meet this afternoon? I can come out to your home.”
Clark’s heart sank and soared at the same time. He was no idiot. She’d suggested a meeting at his home for a reason. While he wanted to argue that he'd come right over for the results now, he really wanted to talk with Lois. “I can be home by six,” Clark told her. “344 Clinton.”
“Good. I’ll see you then.”
Clark dropped the receiver in silence. This couldn’t be happening. He had just managed to get the girl. The child wasn’t supposed to come for a few years yet. And how could Kim have done this to him? He’d thought they meant something to each other, if nothing more than close friends. This wasn’t something close friends did to one another.
He glanced over at Lois, who averted her gaze in a hurry. Apparently she’d been listening to the conversation. How was he going to tell her this?
He shoved a hand through his hair in frustration before turning to face the jury. He approached Lois, who was doing a very good job of ignoring him. “Lois?”
She tapped against the keyboard furiously a second more before turning to Clark. “What?”
“Could I speak with you a moment?”
She didn’t answer, but rose and stomped into the conference room. She was pacing in agitation when he came in and closed the door. To add a little more privacy, Clark shut the blinds.
“Ms. Grange called,” he began when he'd finished his task. “She’s coming to my place this evening to give me the results. I’d really like for you to be there with me.”
“I don’t know, Clark. This is…” She looked away as tears filled her eyes.
He went to her side, automatically reaching out to comfort her. He was touched that she didn’t pull away. “Lois, I know this is shocking. I’m just as stunned as you are. And I realize you're a little angry...”
“I’m hurt, Clark.”
“I understand that.”
“Do you?” She met his gaze for the first time. “I know we both have a past. It wasn’t like I expected you to be a virgin. I just expected to be the one to give you sons,” she whispered.
His heart wrenched and he reached up to cup her cheek. “Lois, until today I wondered if I could actually father children because of my biology. And I know you’re hurting because this child may be mine, and I'm sorry for the things I said earlier. But Lois, I’m hurting, too.” His hand fell to her shoulder and down to grasp her hand. “To know there may have been a child out there that was mine and I never knew... That means I have missed so much precious time,” he finished on a whisper. “That’s time I can never have back.”
Lois wanted to die. She’d never seen Clark cry, but his eyes filled with tears. All day she’d thought only of herself; of how she’d deal with this. She’d failed to think of Clark. With the tender heart he had, this had to be killing him. She’d admitted that there was no way Clark would have abandoned a child had he known about him. Those comments had been said in an attempt to hide her bruised feelings. Now her pain seemed to pale in comparison to his.
She reached down and grasped his other hand in hers. “I know you’re hurting.”
“You have a funny way of showing it.” Clark couldn’t stop the smart remark. His wounded pride over her treatment of him earlier stung incredibly. He couldn’t stop himself from lashing out.
“What should I do here, Clark? Welcome this child with open arms?”
“I would hope that you’d at least give it some consideration *if* the child is mine. That would make him a part of me. When you love someone, you love all of them.”
“I do love you.”
“Just not a part of me from my past?”
Lois stared at him for a moment. She couldn’t believe he was getting so upset.
<<Can’t you?>> her conscience pointed out.
“Clark, I just didn’t expect to have to be anyone’s mother before I became a wife!”
“Who asked you to be a mother?!” He wanted to take that one back almost as soon as it left his lips. He watched as it hit Lois full force, once again stoking her raging emotions.
She turned and stomped to the door. Clark scrambled to catch up before she could leave. His hand reached out to grasp her shoulder.
“Lois, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” was all she said as she stood stiffly in his grasp.
He lifted his other hand and gently squeezed her shoulders. “I don’t know what to do here. I have so much floating around in my head. A seven year old boy. How could I have missed that? And to find out about him and lose you in the same day? That would kill me. Lois, please, please don’t leave me now. I need you.”
“And if he’s yours? Where do we go from here?”
“I don’t know. They will bring him to me… or… or I have the option to sign adoption papers for his last foster family.”
Lois turned to look at him. “What?”
“Ms. Grange said his foster parents want to adopt him, if I should choose not to take him.”
Lois searched his face for several long moments. She knew that was a painful subject for Clark. How could he do something like that with his own son?
“Is that something you’d consider?” she whispered. Is that what Clark was thinking of doing? Would he give away his child because of her? More to the point, did she want him to? Horrified by her true feelings, she held her breath as she waited for him to answer.
Clark didn’t think he could possibly feel any worse, but he was wrong. She wasn't simply asking if adoption had crossed his mind. She was asking if he'd consider doing that for her. How could she ask him to do something like that? He’d be forced to choose between her and his own child. Could he live with a decision like that? Could he live without her?
He looked down as more tears came to his eyes. As much as he wanted to say no, he just couldn't.
<<God, forgive me.>>
“Maybe... maybe I should at least hear about this family,” he told her softly as he lifted his eyes to meet hers.
<<I just can’t lose you.>> He glanced down at the floor briefly before looking back up at her.
Lois almost gasped at his expression. How could she do this to him? Did she really want him to make a choice like that? She didn’t know what she wanted. She *did* know he was in pain and needed her. She reached out automatically to embrace him. He came to her willingly and together both wept softly.
****
Lois and Clark quickly finished up at the office and left so they could have some time to talk before Ms. Grange came to deliver the news that could change their whole lives.
They entered Clark’s apartment in silence, both too miserable to be the one to start the conversation. Clark took off his jacket and tie before he put on a pot of coffee. He leaned against the counter as he waited on the pot to finish.
Lois chose to change into a pair of Clark’s sweats before she ventured into the kitchen where he stood. She leaned against the counter beside him, content to remain silent as well. After a while though, she’d had as much as she could stand.
“How could a woman do that to a man?” She chose to direct her turbulent emotions on someone other than herself or Clark. There was enough anger and hurt to go around and she was fairly certain they'd go through the whole array of feelings before this was settled in any way.
“I don’t know. The only thing I can come up with is that Kim was still in so much pain from her attack that she wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“Well, don’t you think you rushed things a bit after that?”
Clark looked over at Lois with wide eyes. “She and I slept together *before* the attack.”
Lois shut her mouth again. Why did she keep saying such flippant things? She just couldn't help herself for putting blame on Clark for this. If he hadn't slept with the girl in the first place...
She sighed and tried to remember that she wasn't the only one upset by this whole thing. “I’m sorry, Clark. This is just…” She stopped and wiped the moisture welling in her eyes. "I'd told myself earlier I would stay rational about this because we needed to talk. But I'm so... sorry," was all she could offer him for the moment.
He reached out and rubbed her arm. “I know. I’m sorry, too. But Lois, Kim and I were good friends. It wasn't like we rushed into a physical relationship or anything. And sex didn't define our relationship. Yes, we slept together more than once, but after her attack she felt she could never be desirable again. I tried to reassure her otherwise, but, unfortunately, it only made things worse. She eventually moved to her father’s in Oregon.”
Lois resumed her position against the cabinet, standing in silence for a bit. She vaguely wondered when Clark's compassionate qualities had started to develop. He'd shown his girlfriend that he cared and wanted to help her heal even as far back as college. So why had the girl done such a thing to him?
Clark sighed heavily, all his emotions starting to weigh heavily on him. "I truly felt I knew her," he said absently.
Lois turned to focus on him, immediately ready to offer comfort. No matter what was happening or how much pain she was in, Clark was hurting too. Since she'd admitted this man was an essential part of her future, being there for him was no longer a choice.
"I don't think I was ever 'in love' with Kim, but I did love her. And I cared about her feelings. I thought she'd felt the same way. Since speaking with Ms. Grange and learning about this boy, all I've been able to think is 'how could she?'. I know she was in a lot of pain after her assault, but keeping something like this, from me... I can't believe she did that." He finally met Lois' gaze. "Now I understand a little about how you felt when you found out about Superman."
"Clark, this is very, very different."
"No, it isn't. I kept something from you that altered the rest of lives together."
"And so did Kim," Lois finished for him. While this secret had altered *their* lives, it was Clark she thought of now. She reached out to smooth her hand over his upper arm. "I can't even imagine what you must feel."
"I feel very... hurt." The last word slipped out even as understanding began to dawn. Lois felt exactly the same way. So, where did they go from here?
They both lapsed into silence for several moments, each allowing a little more understanding of the other's feelings take place. Finally Lois' mind shifted gears. “How do I live up to the image of what she meant?” She gave voice to a thought she'd had several times since that morning.
“What?”
“Clark, this child will remember his mother. How do I compare to someone that isn’t even here anymore?” Lois had switched gears, the way she had a habit of doing, and jumped directly to motherhood.
“Lois, Kim was a great person and I’m sure the boy knows that. He’s also old enough to know that you’re not her.”
“And he’s old enough to resent you for not being there,” Lois pointed out a matter that had occurred to Clark more than once today, again switching gears trying to keep up with her wandering thoughts.
“I know. What if she’s told him all kinds of things? How do I ever convince him that I never knew?”
Without realizing it, they'd begun to look ahead to adjusting to life with this child. “I wish they’d told us his name. I hate just calling him *him*.”
“Yeah,” Clark agreed before they both lapsed back into silence. He turned when he realized the coffee was ready and made them each a cup so they could settle to drink it on the sofa. Once settled, Clark looked over at Lois.
“Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if I find out what kind of people those foster parents are,” Clark commented suddenly. If this child was his, there was no way he wanted to give him up, but at the same time his rational side kept chiming in that the child might be better off somewhere that he was familiar with. Since finding out about this child, he'd only thought of himself and how this could affect his relationship with Lois. Maybe it was time to think of what was best for the boy.
Lois met his gaze, able to see all the uncertainty in his eyes, but unable to disagree. “Couldn’t hurt to have all the facts.” That's what they'd do as reporters.
“No.” He sipped his coffee for a moment. “We’re talking as if we already know he’s mine.”
“Come on, Clark. Why else would Ms. Grange come here to give you the news? She wants to see where you live in case you want your son, not to mention the unusual properties in his blood. You don't get those from any regular Joe.”
Choosing to deliberately forego thinking of his super side and how it pertained to this whole situation just yet, Clark looked around his apartment. It was a great place for a bachelor, but not so great for a growing boy or and the neighborhood wasn't the best either. “Another strike against me in the… child rearing department,” he thought. Was he actually trying to convince himself that the adoption would be a good idea?
Lois didn’t know what else to say and judging by Clark's silence, neither did he. It was obvious he found his apartment wanting, so she reached out to lay a hand on his leg. “I like this place,” she commented. “In fact, I had planned to ask if we could live here after we’d married.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” She looked around the room. “This place is great. Warm, cozy. Everything my place isn’t.”
“And now? Will there be a wedding now?” Clark had to ask. She'd been so upset since they'd learned of this child that he wasn't even sure if they'd be friends after this, let alone get married.
Lois met his hopeful eyes with her confused ones. She just couldn’t answer that question. There was nothing more she wanted in this world than to marry Clark. But if this child turned out to be his, she wasn’t so sure. She loved him and she’d always love him, but a child, a seven year old child was something she couldn’t embrace as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She’d need time, to adjust and get to know that child, to accept the part of that child that was someone else entirely. She hadn't known *Kim* and was still dealing with how she felt about Clark knowing her. And Clark would need time, too. They shouldn’t throw in a marriage on top of everything else.
When she didn’t answer, Clark laid his head back against the cushions and closed his eyes to stop the tears stinging his lids. He’d wondered all day if she meant what she'd said at the Planet. Now he knew. Lois loved him, he knew that. Yet, it appeared her emotions wouldn't extend to include his son. If he took the child, would she ever accept him? Would being a father really destroy their relationship forever?
He'd argued with himself since their discussion at the Planet that he hadn't heard her clearly or that he'd misunderstood. There was still a part of him that didn't believe it now. There was no way Lois would ask him to choose between her and his own child.
<<She didn't ask.>> Sure, she *hadn't* asked, but it's still what she meant, he argued back.
Clark fought to contain his emotions. If he wanted Lois to be his wife, there was no way he could be someone's father.
"Clark, I love you and I *do* want to marry you. But..." She allowed the tears that had threatened earlier to escape unheeded down her cheeks as she leaned to place her coffee mug on the table. "I have so many things running around in my head. I found out you shared a somewhat special relationship with another woman. It's completely irrational, but it hurts. I mean, I know you love me..." She choked back a sob, causing Clark to lift his head to look at her. She forestalled anything he was preparing to say by continuing to talk. "Then I'm angry with her for keeping such a thing from you. How could she? You're the most wonderful person in the world. Even if there had been no possibility of you being the father, you and she were friends. She should have told you."
Lois shot to her feet to pace, the emotional overload too much to allow her to remain seated any longer. "And a baby. No. A boy. You've missed all that time. My heart aches so badly for you, even while my mind is screaming out of total fear."
"Fear of what?" Clark asked her softly.
"Of being a mother! I never thought I'd be anyone's mother. Look at my role model. My life inside a disfunctional, loveless family convinced me a long time ago never to bring a child into that kind of situation. Sure, I've thought about it since we've been together, but thinking and having it become reality is something else altogether. And when we get married, I *will* be this child's mother!" She finally run out of steam and just stared down at Clark.
He sat up, placed his mug on the table beside hers, then reached out to grasp her hand, his eyes boring into hers. "Any woman who can be so passionate will make a terrific mother."
"Oh, Clark," she gasped before dropping to the sofa.
He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pleased beyond belief when she snuggled closer to his side. Unable to think of anything else to say past the lump in his throat, Clark leaned back against the sofa, pulling Lois with him. Maybe what they needed now was this connection and a chance to absorb the day's many shocks. There would be plenty of time for talking later. And maybe, just maybe, they'd be all right. For now they would offer each other silent comfort as they waited for their future to be told.
