Warning. This part of the story contains some descriptions of violence.
Clark had spent the entire day worrying about the evening to come. The moment was at hand. She had just knocked on the door, and their date was about to begin. Please let this go well. Please let her not be afraid. Please let me not do or say anything to upset her.
He opened the door, and immediately all coherent thought flew out the window.
My god. She’s gorgeous. She’s just so gorgeous.
“Hi,” he said quickly trying to recover his aplomb.
“Hi,” she responded, smiling shyly. Oh... He's just devastating.
He stood there for a few seconds, and then finished awkwardly. “Please… please – come in!”
She smiled at him, made less uneasy by his obvious nervousness. “Thanks.”
She stepped inside, and cleared the doorway so he could close it. She watched him as he shut the door, and once again reflected on how bizarre their current situation was. Once, she would have done anything to avoid being in a locked room with a Kryptonian man – in particular … this man. Or a man who looked just like this one. But now – now… she courted it. She encouraged it. And even though this man was very different, it still sometimes felt very weird.
I’m glad to be here. The thought floated into her mind, and she realized that she really was happier when she was with him then when they were apart. Wistfully, she thought back to the previous night – it was the best night's sleep she’d had in a while, and it was under his roof. He makes me feel safe.
She knew she wouldn’t be sleeping their tonight. It was too weird to end a date that way. She wanted this to be a date – not just a meeting of friends, and if she were to make platonic use of his couch again, it would cross that line. And there was no chance of her making non-platonic use of his bed… not now – not for a very long time – so that left her with no option of seeking safe haven here. If her caller kept up his or her stupid antics, she would call in Lucy.
He turned back to her, and she flushed a little at being caught watching him.
“Uh… I brought you this,” she said, handing the bottle of wine to him.
“Great! Want me to open it now?”
“Only if you share it with me.”
“Gladly. I”ll be right back.”
“Can I help,” she said, following him to the kitchen.
“I’m all set.”
“Okay,” she said easily, watching him as he opened the bottle.
She watched him as he opened the bottle. His movements were steady and sure, and he got the cork out easily without breaking it apart. She was amazed at how easy it was for him to perform such delicate tasks. He could break an asteroid, and yet... he could remove a cork without getting any of it in the wine. Such opposite skills required for these tasks, and he was good at both.
He poured the glasses, and then headed back in her direction. As he approached, her breath caught in her throat as she had a brief flash of Kal heading towards her. Stop that. Her inner voice was firm and sure as she scolded that other part of her for daring to disrupt the pleasant feelings she was currently feeling.
He saw the quick flash of something on her face, but didn’t comment or alter his course of action. She would let him know if she needed space. He couldn’t expect the evening to go by without a few hard moments, and he was just grateful that she was doing as well as she was.
“Here,” he said, handing her the glass.
She smiled tentatively, and took it from him, very aware of how close he now was to her. She felt she could almost feel his body heat, and it was both unnerving and exciting. As she grasped the glass, she deliberately let her hand brush against his, as if testing her reactions to make sure that she was under control.
The brief contact sent pleasant feelings through her, and she vowed to try to do it again sometime during the evening. Maybe I’ll even kiss him. As soon as she thought that, she felt her chest squeeze tightly in alarm. Oh god. Kissing. Kissing him. Him kissing me. Oh. Give me strength.
“Dinner isn’t ready,” he said. “More cooking time is needed. Want to sit down?”
“Yes! Yes – sure! Sure. That sounds great!”
“Good,” he said.
She sat down on the nearest couch, and noted that he sat down on a different chair entirely. If this were a normal date, wouldn’t he have sat next to me?
“So… how was your day,” she said, trying to start a harmless conversation.
“It was good. As you know – no catastrophes or anything. I did meet with Perry today to talk about Lex. But I won’t drag the evening down by talking too much about that.”
“No… not tonight – but I do want to work with you both on this. Don’t forget that.”
“I won’t. You have every reason to want to expose Luthor, and of course- you’re incredibly valuable to the effort.”
“Flatterer.”
“It’s all true. What about you? How was your day? Was it weird after I left?”
“Yeah,” she grinned. “Really weird. Cat kind of pseudo-drilled me, and everyone else was just bursting with curiosity. It felt strangely good – in an ‘I’ve got a secret’ kind of way. Childish I guess… but it still felt good.”
“Hey, I don’t think it’s childish at all.”
“Did you tell Perry about us?”
“No. You… have to give me the OK before I do that. But once you do – I’ll definitely let him know. He knows how I feel about you – “ he stopped short, realizing he might be revealing too much. He looked at her with a slightly guilty expression in his eyes.
“How you feel… you mean – you told him you were … uh…” Attracted to me? Interested in me? What? What?
“He kind of guessed.”
“Oh.”
“Just by how I talked about you.. and yeah… we did. He was trying to figure things out… and… “
“It’s okay. I may have reacted angrily to Perry when I found out he knew – but I don’t feel that way anymore.”
“Good. I never… uh… I never wanted to make you feel like that… you know – like your privacy was on the line.”
“I guess I did feel that way – but now, I know you were kind of in a tough place. I mean – I’m sure Perry was very much like a pit-bull. God – they call me a mad-dog, but Perry really earns that title.”
“He was relentless,” Clark laughed, and then immediately regretted his choice of words. “That is… I … I mean… I know that… “
“It’s okay. Clark. Really.” She realized he was remembering the other night when she got all upset at his use of the word ‘Bully’, angry that he would even feel that way when he couldn’t even really ever imagine. “I was a little tense that day. I know that Perry is impossible to hide secrets from. Believe me, I’ve tried. It’s just not possible.”
“I wonder if his kids ever got away with it.”
She smiled. “I doubt it. But I’m guessing he let them think that they did… for the sakes of their egos.”
“My parents were pretty insightful,” he said. “They always knew if I was trying to pull the wool over their eyes, but they never made it out to be something bad. It’s like they knew that kids need to feel some amount of success at things like that.”
“They sound terrific.”
“They were. They really were.”
The timer went off, interrupting their conversation.
“I have to go to the kitchen for a few minute… here’s the remote if you want to turn on the TV or anything.”
“Can I help?”
“Nope! I’m all set. “
“Okay,” she smiled.
She picked up the remote, and aimed it at the TV, intending to check out the news.
“Ugh. Luthor,” she muttered to herself as s he saw the object of her disgust being interviewed on television. Lex Luthor had recently donated a large sum of money towards the development of programs for underprivileged children, and he was now being awarded some kind of good-citizen award. “Smarmy jerk,” she muttered again, as she saw him go through his smooth and oily fake nice-guy routine. How could she have never seen through his act before? She was so busy trying to find the bad-guy in Clark, that she failed to see that the real bad-guy was right in front of her.
“He’s a real piece of work, isn’t he?” Clark had come back into the room.
They both were silent for a few moments as they listened to Lex give his speech of acceptance.
And then, Clark laughed in sheer mockery and disbelief at how badly Lex was laying it on.
The sound of it unnerved her. She remembered all too well the sound of Lord Kal’s mocking laugh that first time she had tried to escape. She had believed herself to be close to freedom, and it was the sound of his laugh that had cued her in to his presence. She remembered the sick and horrified feeling that single sound evoked, and when she heard Clark laugh, it sounded all too familiar
Dread trickled in and made itself at home in her mind, and she felt a heavy cloak of uncertainty descend upon her. Don’t make him angry. She started regulating her breathing in long slow inhalations and exhalations, trying hard to block out the fear. The images. The memories.
She felt herself shaking uncontrollably, but she was too paralyzed by dread to move. Part of her was trapped in the past, and the other part was here in the present. She had conflicting fears – fears of what Lord Kal would do next… and fears of causing Clark pain with a flashback.
“Lois?” His voice penetrated dimly through the shield of dread around her. Very nervously, unwillingly, hesitantly, she looked up at him It was a painstaking and slow motion, and when she did, her eyes clearly broadcasted what was currently on her mind. Fear. Fear of him.
“Lois?” His voice was very gentle this time as it became clear that something had triggered her memories. Bewildered he looked at the TV. Was it seeing Luthor? “What can I do for you?” His voice was even and calm as he tried to figure out ways to help.
“I…” She was unable to get past that single utterance.
He longed to say something, but forced himself to remain silent. Let her find her way out of this. You will only get in her way if you try to help.
“I… you aren’t him…” it was part question, and part assertion. “You aren’t him?”
He shook his head, his eyes reassuring. “No. I’m not him. Did I just do something that made you think of him?” His question wasn’t borne from self-loathing or remorse, but just a calm space in which he was trying to make sense of the current situation.
“I… I… I – “
“Okay. Take your time,” he said gently. “Do you want to sit down? Should I leave? Leave the room? Turn off the TV?”
She shook her head tightly. She looked up at him, and tried desperately not to see the superimposition of his dark doppelganger over him. She was unable to do so – standing there in front of her was Lord Kal. I want Clark back. She started to cry, it was a wordless and soundless action, and the sight raged against his senses. More than anything, he wanted to hold her and offer up the physical comfort of a hug, but he knew that she would not see that as anything remotely resembling comfort, so he stood his ground.
“I… I – it’s… you… you… laughed. It… sounded… like him. I – I’m sorry. That’s horrible,” she said, her voice strained with the wealth of hurt she was feeling emotionally. “I’m sorry. You sounded like him,” she repeated, in a horrified whisper. “What kind of a thing to say to a man like you… you sounded like a monster.”
“It’s okay,” he said softly.
“I… you sounded … there was this time,” she said, not looking at him, still in tears, but able to speak. “I… I tried to escape.”
Clark froze as he realized that for the first time, she was going to actually share with him some of what had happened. He felt a sick a surge of apprehension uncoiling in his stomach.
“I tried to escape…” she shook her head. “How naïve is that? I mean – I tried to escape. I thought I could escape. I thought I could… hide from super-powered beings… I can’t believe I even thought I could succeed.” She shook her head in utter disbelief. Her voice was bitter now, as she recollected. She looked at him briefly. “You could find anyone on this earth – anyone who was alive. Imagine how impossible it would be for someone to hide from you. “
He didn’t respond, not sure how he could. Suddenly he felt an overwhelming need to look away from the expression in her eyes. But he didn’t. She didn’t need him to run away from this.
She shook her head again in distracted disbelief. “I thought I had made it to the shuttle area. I… I – it had taken me hours. I was badly… hurt. He… he… had… forced himself on me earlier… and – I was badly hurt. I had cracked ribs, and – I was dizzy… maybe… a mild concussion?”
She looked unseeingly up at him, a question in her eyes, asking him to verify for her if that would have been a sign of concussion. Helplessly he shook his head. He was sure at this moment, the horror he felt at what she was telling him was well reflected on his face.
He winced suddenly, and seeing that, she suddenly saw him for who he really was.
“I’m sorry,” she said, suddenly feeling unsure of her recitation. “Is this too much? Too… graphic? I don’t have to talk about - ”
He shook his head. “No. I’m okay. You can… tell me anything.”
Nodding, she swallowed the dread and dryness in her throat. She slid her eyes away from his again, unable to see him when she told her story.
“I’m… I was there. I was almost… there… and then – I heard his laugh. It was a mocking laugh. And… he just… floated down.” Her voice was rising in remembered horror. “He just floated down… so… casual in his… cruel enjoyment of the situation. He was watching me like… he was a god – one of those violent gods from ancient mythologies – and … god – what could I have done to fend him off? It was laughable to even think I could fend him off… whatever he wanted... he could do… he could have…”
She looked at him again, and shook her head. “You wield such power. You could… so easily… “
He remained silent. He was unwilling to defend himself… to speak of his own harmlessness. It was pointless and irrelevant. She needed to say these things.
“… He hit me,” she whispered. “Like this…” she mimicked the casual flick of a hand – the seeming non-exertion of any significant force. “Like this - … like this – you could just fling a full grown woman across the room,” she whispered in horror. “You could do it – just like this.”
He felt his heart squeeze again – in pain, in panic and in dismay. Not me. Not ever me. I couldn’t – I couldn’t. Not me.
“Anyway… “ She shook her head tightly. Impatiently, as if shaking the thoughts out from her head. “It - it got … it got ugly. He… laughed at me. He mocked me, and then… He hit me pretty hard… and – after he made sure I knew my place… made me tell him that I knew my place… he dragged me… back … to his quarters… and he – well… he raped me again.” She winced in the remembered horror and pain of it all. Her voice was low as she continued. “I realized then that I was never going to be free.” Her eyes traveled unseeingly back to his. “That’s when I started to give up. “
He was transfixed, staring at her, listening to her, almost holding his breath, afraid to make any move or sound that might stop her outpouring, and yet, also, desirous of her to stop – to not tell him – to not make it real by giving it words. And then – he felt the familiar sense of shame at being so very identical – he looked like him, sounded like him – probably moved like him part of the time – and… even – his smell – was it all Kal, and when … if and when she ever allowed him to kiss her, would the feel of his lips on hers – his body against hers, his hands on her… would make her feel like Kal was touching her? My name is Kal. It would be Kal. How can she even think of being with me like that?
How could they ever be intimate? It was an awful question and he knew for a fact that this same question – these same thoughts - they rolled around in Lois’ s mind – and yet, even given all that, she had basically declared to him that she had feelings for him. She has signed up for something that could potentially bring up such awful feelings for her.
He let out a shaky breath. She looked up at him questioningly.
“Are you okay?” She could see that he wasn’t. She was in part remorseful for having hurt him, and relieved to see this reaction to her story. A man who looked like this after a story like that was not a threat. Not that she really thought he was anymore, but it still felt good to get the affirmation.
“Lois. I’m okay. I just… well… I’m affected by what you told me. That’s… a major understatement, actually.”
“How… do you feel?”
“Truthfully?”
“Yeah… “ her voice was hesitant as she gave him leave to tell her what really was on his mind. “I mean – if we can’t be truthful…”
“I want to kill him,” he said hoarsely. He shook his head. “I know… it’s a primitive urge… I know – and we all have them, and we overcome them… but I want to kill him.” He shook his head blindly. “I don’t know what would ever happen if I got a chance to go into his world.”
“You wouldn’t. You’d find another way,” she said softly. She was amazed that his words hadn’t frightened her.
“God. I just don’t know. But… beyond that… I… I – I want to… help you somehow – make it better – make it not have happened – but I can’t – so I feel helpless – and then I feel horribly guilty for looking so much like him – for being just like him – for laughing like that earlier on and then making you feel like I was him – like I was going to hurt you – and for… ever making you feel like you were around him again. How awful that must feel for you. And then… I feel a lot of fear – because – how could you not … how could we ever … be close… without you feeling I was him – how could you ever not feel… attacked?” He wasn’t able to look at her as he said these words, his eyes choosing instead to rest on her left foot.
She heard his words, and a flush washed over her as she realized what he meant.
“Raped, you mean?”
“Yeah. Raped.” He winced as he said it. A horrible word. A horrible act.
“I… worry about that too,” she said. “But… please – don’t … don’t end this – because… “
His eyes flew up to hers, startled and worried.
“No! That isn’t what I meant. I … I just… I…” he shook his head again, and smiled ruefully at her. “God, I don’t even know what I meant. I just… said what I was thinking. I’m sorry. It – I – I don’t want to end this. I just – “
“I know,” she said softly, trying to help bail him out. “You didn’t say anything wrong. All the right things, really.”
“Including that part about killing him?” His eyes were anxious on hers. “I shouldn’t have – “
She smiled. “Oddly enough, that didn’t bother me at all. I’d kill him too. In an instant. But I hope never to get near enough to him to be able to do it. “ She shuddered.
He hesitated, and she could see that he had something else on his mind.
“Clark?”
“You said… about how easy it would be for me to do those things. I – you said it – and – I just wanted to say that I couldn’t – that you had it wrong – that I could never… but then – I realized – how dare I try to reassure you of that? You’ve seen it… I mean – god – you’ve seen it first hand…” he winced, looking away again. Coward. I’m such a coward. Look her in the eye when you say hurtful things to her. “I… I have all his abilities – you know for a fact that I could do those things if I ever wanted to…”
“I know – I know that you couldn’t. If I didn’t – I wouldn’t be here with you, like this,” she said hastily. “I’m sorry for saying those things. “
“No - It’s okay to have said them. It’s part of what you need to do – I’m sure you do think about it – how easily I could do the things he did… I mean – it’s what drove your articles… beware – because this man could really destroy …everything – and – how could you not make that comparison – that observation?”
She approached him hesitantly, and equally hesitantly gripped his hand in hers. She slowly lifted his unresisting limb and brushed her cheek with it – mimicking the motion Kal had used to strike her – to fling her back.
“You don’t hit… you comfort… you don’t take – you give… you don’t break… you build. Equal –maybe… but equal and opposite… isn’t that one of the laws of physics? For every force, there’s an equal and opposite one?”
“I … think so.” He was mesmerized and thrown off center by her gesture. She was still holding his hand. She gasped softly as he took control of the limb, and moved it on his own volition, repeating the caress, his eyes gazing into hers. She held her breath, frightened despite her brave actions and words, and waited hesitantly for him to actually contact her skin again – she watched his hand approach her cheek in slow motion, and felt the whisper soft caress as his knuckles grazed her cheek bone.
“How do you do that?” she whispered in awe. “It was so easy for him to… hurt… without any exertion at all – how did you modulate your strength so that – it was gentle instead of hurtful?”
“I just can,” he said honestly. “I don’t know how. I just can. I’ve never accidentally hurt anyone, “ he confessed to her. “Ever. So… my track record’s pretty good there. I never would accidentally or purposely hurt anyone like this. “
She nodded, feeling her heart squeeze. Was it fear, excitement, or a bit of both that was rendering her unable to speak.
He moved his hand again, and cupped her face with it, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb.
“Does this bother you?” He asked quietly, “Or does it feel good?”
She licked nervous lips and answered. “He… did that. He… held my face like that to grip it – to hold it still – so he could – force eye contact when he wanted to make sure I really saw him when he spoke… it would start out as a gentle grip – and then get fierce and cruel – a mockery – a joke – a cruel game…”
“Oh – “ he moved his hand away, and she grabbed it and held it in her hand.
“But … when you did it – it felt good – once I got past the fear. I’m not … afraid that you – Clark Kent – will hurt me. I’m afraid that… “ she shook her head. “I don’t know… sometimes –you turn into him – in my mind – and then I am afraid you’ll hurt me – but only because I’m confused… and then other times, I’m afraid that what he did to me will taint everything between us – that… even a loving and gentle caress… will feel like the precursor to being hurt. It’s… really … bad sometimes – here in my mind.”
“I can’t imagine,” he said quietly. “I - I don’t have … any idea of what to say about that. I guess… I just want you to know that… you don’t need to rush yourself for me. To rush the healing process… I know it’ll take time.”
“Maybe… a long time,” she said nervously. “Maybe…a long, long, long time.”
“I’ll always be here,” he said.
“As a friend? Or… as … the man I’m hoping to be … more than friends with… someday.”
“The latter,” he said, seriously.
“But how can you? I mean…. Are you sure that… you … you … want me, “ She said hastily and nervously. “Physically? I mean? Are you sure?” His nearness was disturbing, and she couldn’t believe she was asking this.
“Yes,” he said, his voice sounding suddenly so sensual. “Yes….”
He looked into her eyes and lifted his other hand very slowly, and lifted it up to her face. He saw her swallow nervously, but she didn’t back away. He gently stroked her face again, and moved his hand down the side of her face in an unmistakably sensual gesture. “Yes,” he repeated again, that same edge his voice.
For a long while it seemed she was struck mute, and then, she swallowed past the tension in her throat, and acknowledged what he had said. “Oh…”
“Right now… I’d love to be kissing you,” he said softly, brushing his thumb across her lips. “Right now – I’d love to be holding you.” He dropped his hand lightly and placed it on her waist ever so gently. “I’d love to pull you close in –right now – like this – and then… kiss you.”
His voice was hypnotic and utterly mesmerizing. She swallowed again, lost in the spell he was weaving. Another part of her was encouraging her to run away, as fast as she could. She didn’t know which voice to listen to.
Oh my god. Is he going to kiss me? My god. He’s going to kiss me. I should… I should stop this. I should… I should…
[TBC]
