When Pigs Fly
By TJgruffs
Lois pushed off with her feet reflexively as the motion of the porch swing slowed, her gaze far down the dirt road between rows of corn as the setting sun colored the sky Easter egg pink. She enjoyed the companionable silence with Martha Kent who was mixing colors on her palette next to her easel at the western side of the porch, but she was waiting, they both were as evening came on. The warm spring wind blew strands of hair around her face and she brushed them absently aside as she squinted toward the distance, wondering if the dust cloud that came into view was a vehicle or just a disturbance caused by that warm wind.
“It’s the boys,” Martha announced laying her palette down on the wide porch railing. “I’d better get in and get some coffee started.”
“I’ll be in to help you in a minute, Martha.” Lois replied, more out of politeness than reality. Martha was singularly capable of making coffee on her own. Lois just didn’t want to display her anxiousness. Clark and Jonathan had been gone all day, leaving the women to their own devices, and on a farm, Lois couldn’t help feeling a little “device-less”. Still she understood they’d been gone for a good reason. Mr. Irig was a neighbor and neighbors in Smallville helped each other, so when he’d called and asked for the help of the Kent men, well, they couldn’t say no.
Lois realized that Clark hadn’t expected it so she couldn’t blame him, but she was anxious to see him again.
As the truck drove up, she stood and waited at the porch steps, ready to launch herself at Clark once he’d come out. The truck halted her incentive the moment it pulled to a stop, as it carried a stench with it like a wall of methane. Backing off with her hand over her nose she noted that the whole bottom portion of the truck was coated ina thick, light-brown crust, dark in some places like it was still wet. Focusing on Clark and his father as they exited the vehicle she noted that they too were coated with the same sort of muck and the stench was just as bad as they approached the porch, turning and waving at the driver as he pulled away.
Both Clark and Jonathan seemed to plod as they moved forward, but they didn’t get any closer than the bottom step.
“Tell Martha we’re going to hose off over by the barn and bring some clothes to us.” Jonathan instructed her, “We’re not bringing this stuff in the house.”
Lois nodded soundlessly, her mouth tightly zipped as just this small distance closer caused her stomach to lurch, the scent of manure assaulting her nostrils. She fairly ran to the kitchen.
********
Clark showered a whole hour before gathering with Lois and Martha at the kitchen table for Monopoly and coffee. Even then he kept obsessively rubbing around his neck and ears wondering if he had gotten the whole mess off. Lois jokingly inspected behind his ears the third or fourth time she caught him checking and declared him sparkling, but he had not been satisfied in the least, his eyes haggard and haunted as he slumped in his chair over the board.
“It’s disgusting,” he grumped, “If I had known it was going to be such a mess, I doubt we would have visited this weekend.”
“Where’d my neighborly farmboy go?” Lois admonished. “Aren’t you supposed to lend your fellow farmers a hand.”
“Not when it comes to helping Irig with his hogs, not anymore.” Clark replied with vehemence “Never again.”
“Clark never did take to hogs when he was younger,” Martha confessed to Lois. “I think it’s the smell more than anything that puts him off.”
“I can handle cows, chickens, horses, just about any farm animal that you’ve got, but I gotta admit I really don’t care for hogs.” he agreed, “I don’t know why Wayne bought so many this year. Everytime I threw one in the truck it squirmed back out.”
“Man’s got a weakness for sausage.” Jonathan supplied as he rubbed his wet hair with a towel. “Anyway, that should be all the help he needs for this year. If the artificial insemination worked he’ll have about a dozen litters to take care of in a couple of months.”
“Bleah! even more of the little buggers running around.” Clark shuddered.
“So what’d you have to do?” Lois asked. She was surprised that Clark was so adamant in his dislike for the little squealers and decided to needle him for particulars in a weird talking therapy frame of mind.
“Lois, I’m not in the mood for details,” Clark answered, “Just that it took too long and it was just filthy. And you owe me $200.00.” he announced as her dice roll put her Scottie dog on B&O Railroad.
They wiled away the evening in this manner late into the night, Lois and Clark eventually ending up playing strip Monopoly after Martha and Jonathan had gone to bed.
******
HOOOOONK!!!!!!!
“What the,...!!!” Clark growled, pulling the thick quilt from his head.
HONK!!!! HOOOOONK!!!!!!
“Mom!” he hollered sitting up in bed, his roar waking Lois with a start, “What the HECK is going on?”
“It’s Wayne Irig’s truck, Clark.” Martha hollered back as she gazed with shock out of her kitchen window the cantaloupe she’s been chopping for breakfast falling from her limp hands, forgotten.
HOOOOONK!!! HONK HONK!!!
Clark stomped down stairs with the quilt draped around his shoulders, leaving a suddenly chilled Lois to find her own blanket.
“What’s Wayne Irig doing here this time of morning?” he asked flabbergasted.
“It’s not Wayne Irig,” she told him, “It’s his truck.”
HONK!!!! HOOOOONK!!!!!!
“Who’s honking the horn then?” he asked though he was already looking out the window.
His jaw dropped open as he saw every one of Wayne Irig’s hogs had piled in the cab of his truck and one of them,...WAS HONKING THE HORN!!!!
"I think they're paying you a compliment, Clark." Lois muttered with a yawn as she stumbled to a chair at the table.
*DONE*
This is a really bad joke that I REALLY liked, but If you don't know the whole thing please feel free to email me for the particulars.
TEEEJ
tj@fastmn.com
