Last Time...
“I… I wanted to … Kiss you as superman… to… “
“You never have to explain why you’d do something like that,” he said.
“It’s just that – you know… how sometimes I act differently when you’re like this… I just wanted you to know that … it’s all of you- that I want….”
“Thank you, Lois. That means a lot. That means everything.”
Part 51
“You don’t need to thank me… I just wanted you to know that,” she said, feeling shy.
“I'm glad you did. Good night, Lois,” he said. “I’ll see you on Friday, okay?”
“Okay,” she said, still feeling shy. They had shared so much intimacy this evening, but when she thought about it now, and about resuming it later, she felt awkward. “I guess I’ll go in now.”
He waited for her to go in, and after she had, he rose up into the air. From the air, he scanned Lucy’s apartment to make sure Lois had made it in okay. He didn’t feel terribly guilty about doing that. He worried about Lois. It seemed a certainty that Luthor was going to get retribution for the imagined slights that he had ranted on about at their last meeting. Also, he was worried about whoever was making the phone calls. Nonetheless, he was extremely glad that Lucy hadn’t been doing anything that he would have been embarrassed at seeing.
Satisfied that she was safe, he flew off.
Lois entered the apartment, feeling a sense of loss. I hate being apart from him. She was relieved to see that Lucy was home and awake. It helped make her feel less lonely for Clark.
“Lucy! I didn’t think you’d be up.”
“So, pretty lady… how did the date go?”
Lois looked at Lucy, and then burst into tears.
Lucy, awash with concern, rushed forward and drew her sister into a tight embrace.
“What? What is it? What?” Her voice was gentle and inquiring as she held her, fearing the worst. “My god – what is it?”
Lois stayed in her sister’s arms a few moments, and then pulled back, rubbing at her eyes and nose, trying to regain a semblance of calm.
“No – No, Lucy - ” her voice was raw from crying. “It was wonderful. He was wonderful. I just…. I guess… I just got caught up in the whole … “
“Of course, of course,” soothed Lucy, waving aside her sister’s need to explain. “Lois, I understand. I really do. Did you want to talk about it?” Her voice and expression were deeply solicitous.
“I… I – I don’t know.”
“It’s okay. I won’t be offended if you don’t want to. “
“It’s just so… intense. You know? Intense.”
“Okay…”
“I… It was fantastic, Lucy. We had a great time. He’s just the most amazing man.”
Lucy quirked a smile. “Super, one might even say.”
“Oh, Lucy!”
“ So you had a good time?” She asked the redundant question with a note of hopeful yearning in her voice. “You really did?”
“We… uh… we danced, Lucy… and, we even … we kissed!”
“Oh my god. I didn’t think that you would – I mean – I didn’t expect it – so soon!”
“I know.”
”Did he kiss you, or…”
“It was a mutual thing, you know? “
“And the kiss? What was it like… did you…” She trailed off, hesitant about asking.
“No – well – I did have a small … there were moments of panic, moments of difficulty – there was one bad moment, actually… but then, the other bad moment wasn’t really all that bad, and in the end, it was just so amazing.”
“That’s so wonderful! I am so envious!! I want to hate you, but I can’t.”
“He’s one of a kind. I don’t blame you – or any other woman for hating me. He’s the most incredible man.”
“You sound like you’re in love.”
“I don’t know, Lucy. I … can I really be in love, so soon? “
“I think so,” Lucy answered quietly.
“I – I just… I …” Her brow furrowed as a new difficulty occurred to her.
“What?”
“Well… we got kind of close… I mean – for me… we kissed – several times… and… I just – what if… I can’t do that the next time? What if he just expects that I can? I mean – what if the next time he sees me, he moves in to kiss me – right away? And I freak out? I… I usually am kind of shy and awkward around him at first – sometimes he looks exactly like Kal when I first see him – it takes me a while to ease into him being Clark… so what if – what if… I kind of insinuated that next time I’d like to do more of that… and he seemed receptive to the idea… so what if – “
“Lois!!”
“Sorry.”
“I’m sorry. But – I just need to say something here. He won’t. Wouldn’t you say that up until this point he’s been very careful about reading your mood before doing or saying anything? I mean – you even said that his second-guessing your reactions was a little on the overboard side… right?”
“Yeah…”
“Well – given that – I’m sure that the next time he sees you – he won’t just act like you both can continue where you left off. Not him. He’s too smart and sensitive for that.”
“Yeah. You’re right. I know…”
“You haven’t…committed to anything by getting closer. You haven’t set a new line in the sand.”
“I guess. I just – I don’t want him to think I’m some kind of a tease.”
“You aren’t. You’re a woman suffering from some rather serious post-traumatic stuff , and healing takes time – a lifetime even. You may get a flashback even 50 years from now, even after you think you’ve resolved all the issues. “
“I see your psychology classes are finally doing you some good,” she said, smiling good-naturedly at her sister
“Sorry,” she said, flushing red. “I don’t suppose I know what I’m talking about.”
“No. Don’t be sorry. This is good stuff to hear. Thank you. You’re right. He’s far too smart and sensitive to do something like that. I guess I just started thinking… I asked him to come over on Friday, after the auction – and he said he would. I asked him to wake me, and then… and I can’t even believe I said this… I implied that if I were asleep… he could … um… kiss me… to wake me up.”
“You said that?”
“I used the phrase – ‘fairy-tale method’”
“Wow…”
“So… the question is… do you think he’ll actually…”
“I still think he’d be shy about doing something like that.”
“Yeah. I hope… I don’t know what I hope. He’s such an amazing kisser, Lucy!”
“Oh, I’ll bet,” she sighed dreamily. “You lucky….”
“I’ve never… ever kissed anyone who kisses like that. Part of me wishes I was still with him, feeling those amazing feelings… and another part of me is extremely worried about doing it again. Mostly I’m worried that bad memories will intrude and make me feel how I felt before – even though he isn’t hurting me in any way. I know he wouldn’t. I just don’t want to feel like I did – that sick and hopeless and terrified feeling. It was horrible.”
Lucy’s brows were knit with worry as she listened to Lois reminisce.
“I can’t imagine, but… god… I can see why you would worry about that.”
“I’m sure it’ll get better each time.”
“I am too.”
“But now, I have to wait until Friday night – early Saturday morning before I get to see him again. And what do I wear to sleep? Do I wear regular boring pajamas, or do I go for a sexier look?”
“Be yourself, is my best advice. Go for what you usually wear.”
“Hmm. Boring then…”
“Yeah, but it’ll put less pressure on you – you won’t feel self-conscious about it.”
“Good point. And… I don’t want him thinking I’m a tease.”
“He will NEVER think that about you. You aren’t a tease. A tease does it to deliberately make someone suffer. You don’t do that – you never did.”
“Thanks, Lucy.” She reached out and gave her sister a hug. “I guess I’ll go to sleep.”
Lois managed to get through the next day without seeing or hearing from Clark. It hadn’t been easy. She couldn’t stop thinking about him and those amazing kisses that they had shared. She kept reliving the sensation of dancing close up against him and feeling his arms around her. How can I function, if all I do is moon around like a love-struck teenager?
Finally, it was Friday, and she had fallen asleep while watching the news. She had been waiting to hear the results of the auction. Exhaustion from a series of nights with very little sleep had caught up with her, and before she heard the results, she had fallen fast asleep on the couch.
Hours later, she woke up with a start, and sat up. The television was still on and it was very late. The auction was long over. She stood up, and made her way over to her laptop, intending to use the internet to find out who had won the auction. Her heart in her throat, she went over to the website that had been setup for the auction, and waited for it to load. It took her a few brief moments of clicking to find out who had won the privilege of a night out with her boyfriend. Carissa. Great. Carissa. Leyna didn’t come through, I guess. I had heard that she was overseas, but I had hoped that she would be back in time for this. I can’t fault her for it… her career is important to her, the way mine is to me, but I really wish this one time, she had put friendship over a story. I can’t worry about it. He doesn’t love Carissa. I don’t even think he likes her. It’s me he wants to be with. Not her. Not some stupid super-model. Some stupid, beautiful, tall, glamorous, young, wealthy woman. What’s to be jealous about?
She heard a knocking sound, and jumped in sudden fear. She turned to the direction of the knocking. Clark. Suddenly, she felt a surge of shyness.
Last time they had been together, she had been so forward with the things she did and said… at least, forward for her. And now, she was nervous. She was nervous that things would be awkward. Nervous that he might pull her close and kiss her as soon as she opened that window. Could she handle it if he did? Could she handle it if he didn’t? Her heart pounding with nervousness. she went over and opened the balcony doors.
He floated in and landed a few feet away from her, trying to give her the space that he knew she needed.
He remained dressed as Superman, not planning on staying very long because it was late, and he knew she was suffering from some serious lack of sleep.
“You’re awake,” he said, spilling out the first thought that came to his mind.
“Yeah… are you disappointed?” God. I’m flirting. Where is this coming from?
“Never.”
“I… I – “
She was back to being nervous and shy, not knowing what to say to him next. His costume addled her brain a bit… he seemed so much bigger and Kryptonian. She felt diminished a bit in his presence, and she didn’t like that feeling.
“Would you be more comfortable if I – “
“Are you reading my mind?”
“No… I – wouldn’t – “
“No. I’m sorry. I meant that rhetorically. “Actually – I’d rather you stayed like this. I need to get over it. You know?”
“I know you think that. Please let me know if you change your mind, okay?”
“Okay.”
She stepped forward, into his personal space, and lay a very tentative hand on his chest.
“We should kiss, shouldn’t we?” Her voice was uncertain.
“Or not. We don’t really have to do anything, you know. It’s not scripted ahead of time.”
“But – we kissed before, and if we don’t now, then it’s like we’re going backwards.”
“No,” he said, grasping her hand gently. “This isn’t a linear path, Lois.”
“I want to kiss you,” she repeated stubbornly. She closed her eyes, and waited for the wave of sudden panic to go through her. She felt dizzy, and wasn’t sure how long she could remain standing on her shaky legs. “But I can’t!”
“It’s okay,” his voice had taken on a pleading quality. He hated it when she did this to herself.
“Maybe you could just kiss me? I think it might be easier if you initiate it.” Her eyes bore anxiously into his.
“Okay,” he said. “One kiss… coming up.” Still holding her hand, he leaned in. As he did so, she jerked away reflexively.
“I’m sorry,” she ground out, exasperated and angry at herself. “I didn’t intend to do that. It was… an autonomic kind of thing.”
“I figured,” he said quietly. “I guess sometimes it’s hard not to act on those impulses.”
“At… at least, I can. I mean – he would have… “ she trailed off, and winced. “It… it was… ingrained in me not to. I… I guess I don’t have those – uh – defenses in place anymore – that enabled me to endure… without … backing away. Making him angry.”
“The only thing here that makes me angry is what he did to you. You can do whatever you want – but you already knew that.”
She smiled. “Yeah. I do. Maybe… though… I mean – maybe you could just hold me tighter or something – or I could stand right against a wall.”
“What? Why?”
She flushed in the face of his startled questions. “So we can kiss without me trying to back away – if I try, and you’re holding me tighter, or the wall is there – then – “ She trailed off, feeling awkward. She knew she was asking him to do something he found distasteful.
“Then I’d be forcing you to kiss me,” he said. “I can’t … I won’t do that. I’m sorry.”
“But then … I can’t control it, Clark,” she wailed. “And I want to kiss you!”
“Why are you being so hard on yourself? It doesn’t have to happen – not now, not today at all…”
“It was so wonderful, Clark. I want that again. That feeling. That closeness… don’t you?”
“Yes - but not if you have to force yourself into doing it! “
“I just feel that if it’s totally up to me, then we won’t get anywhere. I guess I think I need you to kind of take control once in a while.”
He looked at her dubiously.
“I thought that it should be the other way around.”
“But I kind of need help with it – it’s hard to take a first step sometimes when you’re afraid of the consequences of that step. The other day, you sort of did take the lead a few times, and it made it easier for me. I’m not saying I want you to be… well… forceful – but… you know… maybe… just… maybe if you surprised me.”
“Surprised you?”
“Like with the hiccups. How if you surprise someone with the hiccups you can make the hiccups go away?”
“Surprise you into kissing me… to make your nervousness go away… or just not be a factor?”
“Ok. Yeah. I guess that’s stupid – I - “ She left off with a squeal as he moved suddenly faster than she could really see, and suddenly she found herself swept up and cradled in his arms.
“What…” Her voice was a startled gasp, but before she could complete her sentence, his lips descended quickly down on hers, and he kissed her gently.
Moments later, he lifted his head, and looked into her eyes to see how she was taking this.
“Surprise,” he whispered gently.
”You… you… You kissed me.”
“Is it okay?”
“Uh… oh… oh – yeah. “ Her voice was dazed. His kiss had awoken all kinds of warm and heavy feelings of desire in her, and she was finding it hard to concentrate on anything. “Yeah. It was… more than okay.”
Not wanting to push his luck, he placed her gently back on her feet.
“I was a little worried that … it might upset you – my picking you up like that. I …”
“He did on occasion… do that. But – mostly, he… I … I don’t want to talk about it right now, “ she said quickly, trying to erase the image of Lord Kal grabbing her arm roughly and shoving her down on his bed. It hurt to think about this in conjunction to what she was sharing with Clark, and if she thought too much of Kal, she would see him overlaid on Clark, and then, she’d be a complete mess.
“Okay. No talking about it.”
“I liked it,” she said, huskily. “I liked you sweeping me up in your arms like that – it was romantic and very exciting. And… I loved the kiss. Thanks for … surprising me. For not laughing at my request.”
“I would never laugh at you.”
“Want to sit down?”
“Sure. Uh…do you mind if I change? I feel really ostentatious like this.”
“Oh. Sure. No problem. I want you to be comfortable.”
He spun into more casual clothes, and she looked at him in awe, her eyes shining and luminous.
“You just amaze me…”
“Not half as much as you amaze me,” he said easily.
“You know… some day you should… wear black.”
“Black.”
“Yeah. I need to get past that. Too.”
“Okay. You let me know when you want me to do that. I don’t have to ever wear black again you know. It’s not a big deal to me.”
“It is to me, though. You should be able to be whoever you are, without caring about my reaction.”
“I like worrying about you – or at least… caring about your reactions. If something bothers you, for whatever reason – and it’s not a big deal to change it – why shouldn’t I?”
“I still think… it still – I guess I see it as a personal weakness. I’m sorry. I know that sounds insane.”
“It isn’t insane. If it bothers you, then we’ll overcome it together. Okay?”
“Thanks,” she said awkwardly.
She reached out to him, her eyes locking with his, and held his hand. She pulled him gently along as she walked over to the couch.
“Sit with me?”
“Okay,” he said, his voice a little huskier than before. She did strange things to his head.
She sat down, and pulled him down gently next to her. He dropped down at her side, and she immediately nestled in against him. Encouraged, he placed an arm around her shoulder. She felt suddenly warm at his touch.
“Mmm. I … I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how we kissed,” she said, suddenly unable to look at him while she talked. “It’s all I can think about. All I can … it replays over and over in my mind, and I can’t … I can’t even imagine thinking of something else.”
“It’s been on my mind too.”
“I … I was hoping we could have a… re-match?”
[tbc]
