Chapter 16
~§~
They’d sent him a letter. The minute they’d read about the suicide, Jonathan had trimmed the article from the Smallville Ledger and mailed it to the address of the ICRC in Bogotá.
According to the paper, investigations into the Daily Planet bombing had led to a corrupt insurance official, who, once assured of immunity, confessed to receiving bribes in order to keep quiet the exact sum of money settled on Luthor Corp for damages sustained. Once that small thread was cut, the rest of Luthor’s tapestry started to unravel, and before long, the Metropolis prosecutor’s office had plenty to justify the arrest of Luthor. Sadly, before he could be apprehended, he plunged to his death after leaping from the balcony of his penthouse immediately following his own wedding. No mention at all was made of the bereaved Mrs. Luthor married and widowed almost simultaneously.
But the letter had not reached him, and Clark’s lack of response to the news had convinced his parents that he had not wished to pursue Lois further, so they’d not mentioned it again. He didn’t know whether to be glad or not. Would it have made a difference? Would he have left San Pablo immediately to be at her side?
A healthy portion of him was glad that he’d not had to make that decision. Six months earlier, he would have simply fallen back into the pattern of unrequited love, nothing changed and him none the better for it.
Clark spent two days in Smallville, letting his body readjust to the time and cold weather and his mind to the bombardment of smells and sights and sounds that he’d missed for over six months. At least that’s what he told himself, although he suspected that he was actually avoiding the real reason he’d left the wilds of Colombia.
He didn’t tell his parents about Gillian. Not when things were so uncertain. Besides, he didn’t think he could handle the questions that would follow the discovery that their son might have met someone...a possible The Someone. She was too important to be reduced to questions with simple answers, descriptions of features and temperament and accomplishments.
For reasons he himself couldn’t understand, he held everything about Colombia close to his chest, afraid that if he said too much, the safe haven there would disappear. Like the mystical Isle of Avalon, San Pablo was tucked hidden in the mist, and by exposing it to the harsh light of real evaluation, it would lose the power to offer him refuge. For his own peace of mind, he needed to know that always the valley in the Andes waited for him.
He’d come home because she’d been right. Gillian. He couldn’t forget about Lois and he couldn’t just stop loving her. But he owed it to himself to face that love and let go of it once and for all.
And he owed it to Gillian. Because he loved her, too. With a steady warmth that was safe and accepting. Gillian could make him happy, and he was ready to be happy.
~§~
Actually finding Lois had been a bit harder than he’d expected. He hadn’t wanted to call Perry, not wanting to get the old boss’s hopes up because, at that point, Clark had no intention of going back to the Planet to revive the team of Lane and Kent. Likewise he didn’t want to talk to Jimmy, needing to keep as much about his old life dormant as possible until he knew what he planned to do with it.
Alice White proved to be the answer. Calling her mid-morning, when he was almost certain that Perry would already be at the office, he was able to glean the surprising fact that Lois was currently living in her old apartment. After a bit of small talk and polite non-answers to her well-intentioned questions, he hung up, puzzled over the information she’d provided. Why in the world would a woman with her power and money choose to live in a brownstone walk-up with old plumbing and a noisy upstairs neighbor?
He thought of calling, then decided it was easier – for him anyway – to just show up at her place. If he called and set up an appointment, there was every chance that he might back out. Besides, he felt a perverse need to surprise her, believing it gave him some bizarre advantage. It wasn’t war, but still, he felt much as if he were heading for battle as he walked up the steps of her brownstone.
Fairly certain she was home as light streamed out her windows, he stood in front of her door, opening and closing his fist several time while he screwed up his courage. Finally he knocked. Three sharp raps. That was the code that all was clear and safe. Somehow, it seemed fitting.
“Just a minute,” she called out.
He hadn’t heard that voice in nearly seven months, yet it could have been only seven minutes the way his heart started to pound. Swallowing hard, he forced himself to calm down. Nerves. That was all, he reminded himself.
In less than a minute, he heard some motion against the door, but the door itself remained closed. Another minute passed. And then another. He resisted the urge to use his x-ray vision, but his super-hearing picked up her breathing on the other side of the wood that separated them. Apparently, she had a bad case of nerves, too.
Just as he was about to knock again, the door flew open, the whoosh of air as startling as the unexpected motion. He caught himself before he could tumble into her apartment.
And there she was.
Breathtaking. Heart stopping.
Exactly the same. Yet completely different.
With great effort, he forced himself to breathe. In and out. In and out.
“Clark!” she exclaimed brightly, a million watt smile plastered across her face. “What a surprise.”
“Hello, Lois,” he said, more calmly than he’d expected.
“Wow. Clark. I just never expected...you...after everything...” she stammered a bit, clutching the door knob tightly and making no move to invite him in. “Just...wow.”
“Did I catch you at a bad time?” he asked, again surprising himself with the even, controlled voice that came out of a body completely disconnected with such serenity.
She glanced over her shoulder, as if checking with the room to see if it might be a bad time. “Oh, no. No, this is fine. Um...why don’t you come on in?”
He nodded and gave her a smile, then walked past her into the living room. Blinking, he took in the furniture and décor, exactly the same as it had been over half a year earlier. He’d thought it odd that she would choose to move back into her old apartment after Lex’s death rather than remain in the penthouse or one of the Luthor estates, but to go so far as to recreate her home as it had been seemed a bit extreme. Then again, people did strange things in the throes of grief.
“Can I get you anything? Coffee?” she asked as she shut the door. “Or tea. You like tea...I remember.”
“No, thank you.” He glanced at the sofa, wondering if he should sit. He’d rehearsed a lot of what he planned on saying, but he’d forgotten to think about whether he should sit or stand.
“So, hey, let me get a look at you.” She walked toward him, her hands clasped in front of her. “You look...great. Have you lost weight?”
“I don’t think so.” He gave himself a quick perusal. “Maybe. My mom seemed to think I was too skinny, but she always says that...”
Lois shook her head. “No, not too skinny at all. Just...right. Really tan. And your hair.”
Instantly his hand flew to the nape of his neck, fingering the thick hair that hung near the top of his shirt. “Oh, yeah. I didn’t have time to get it cut. I was planning to – ”
“I think it looks great,” she said with a smile. “Really...sexy.”
He shifted uncomfortably, not expecting to be scrutinized. Certainly not expecting her to find anything about him sexy. “Lois, I guess you’re wondering why I’m here – ”
“So, where’ve you been – ” she said at the same time
Both of them laughed uncomfortably, and he shoved his hands in his pants pockets.
“Please, sit down,” she said, gesturing toward the sofa. As if to further the invitation, she sat down herself and patted the cushion next to her.
With a curt nod, he complied, keeping his knees pointed straight out and away from hers as he readied to start again. He wanted to have his say and get out of there. Being near her, seeing her and hearing her voice was just too hard. The wound that he’d thought was so tightly knit was starting to shred at the seams, and he needed to leave before his heart spilled out onto the floor and she could stomp all over it again.
But before he could begin, she beat him to the punch. “So I guess you’ve heard about the Planet?”
“Um, yeah. I spoke to Perry a couple of days ago,” he said, trying to switch gears and redirect his thoughts. “It’s really wonderful that he found an investor. Franklin Stern, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” she confirmed with an enthusiastic nod. “Media mogul. Kind of resisted at first. Took some convincing, but you know Perry. I think he would have done just about anything to come out of retirement.”
“Well, now he won’t have to retire for a long time. I’ll bet Alice is thankful for that,” Clark joked stiffly.
“You just have to see the new building. The bull pen looks exactly like the old Planet, but they finally did away with the leaky toilets and that horrible banging the fan used to make when it kicked on. Remember?”
“Sure. I remember.” How could he ever forget? Some of his proudest and saddest moments had occurred at the Planet. Getting his dream job at the greatest paper in the world. Meeting Lois. Earning a Kerth Award. Learning of her intention to marry Luthor. No, as long as he lived he’d remember everything about the Planet.
“Are you...have you given any thought to coming back to work there?” Lois was saying, and he pulled himself out of his memories.
“I only just found out a couple of days ago,” he explained with a shrug. “I haven’t had time to make any permanent plans yet.”
“Well, yeah. I guess it is a pretty big decision,” she agreed although her eyes held either surprise or disappointment, he couldn’t be sure. “I’m sure you have a ton of other things lined up, so it makes sense that you would weigh all of your options – ”
“Lois, I heard what happened. With Lex,” he said, interrupting her before she could go on. “I just wanted to come by to tell you I’m sorry.”
Licking her lips, she stood silently and walked to the island in the center of her kitchen. For a long minute she didn’t speak, and he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t have come. Maybe sending a card would have been easier on her. It certainly would have been easier on him.
“I guess I should have listened to you, huh?” she said over her shoulder with a small laugh. “Would have saved myself a lot of headaches.”
“That’s not why I came,” he said, frustration stirring with a tinge of guilt in his belly. “I didn’t come to say ‘I told you so’.”
“Why not? I would if I were you,” she admitted, turning around to face him. “You tried to warn me, but I wouldn’t listen.”
“Sometimes, when we’re in love, it’s hard to hear the truth,” he said quietly, looking down at his hands, clutched tightly as he leaned his elbows on his knees. “So, what happened?”
“Well, let’s see. Turns out Lex was pretty much what you said he was. A psychopathic murderer. Thief. Gangster. They had a list as long as my arm of charges against him, including arson of the Daily Planet.” She smiled weakly and gave a little shrug. “When the police came to arrest him, he jumped off the penthouse balcony so he wouldn’t go to prison.”
“Lois, I’m sorry...” He meant it. As angry as he’d been with her for not listening to him, for remaining so stubbornly blind, he wouldn’t have wished any of this on her.
“Don’t be. Lex hurt a lot of people. He decided his own fate, so how can you feel sorry for him?”
“It’s not Lex I feel sorry for,” he said softly, pushing down the sudden need to dispel some of the sadness lingering in her dark brown eyes.
“Oh, well, don’t feel sorry for me,” she dismissed in a surprisingly matter-of-fact tone. “Somehow I managed to land on my feet. Got my old job back. My apartment. Things could have been a lot worse, that’s for sure.”
“Yeah, and just look at the bright side,” he said, trying to find something that might make her smile. “If you ever get tired of working at the Planet, you can always start your own newspaper.”
“I’m sorry?” Her finely arched brows lowered in confusion.
“You could start your own paper. The Lane Gazette or maybe the L.L. Tribune,” he suggested with a small laugh.
“Well, Perry’d better start paying me a lot more if I ever decide to do that,” she said with a little snort. “I’m no Franklin Stern, you know.”
“No, you’re the widow of the third richest man in the world,” he said pointedly, then felt instantly contrite when her eyes flew open wide in shock. With a sudden dawning, he realized that Luthor’s assets had probably been frozen pending the outcome of all of the charges levied against him. Maybe she’d found herself in financial straights after he died. Squirming a bit for his insensitive blunder, he conjectured, “Surely, once they release his assets...”
“Widow?” She stared at him, eyes large and face paling perceptibly.
“Yes. Lois, are you all right?”
Her hand lifted to her mouth, and he could see it shaking slightly. “You mean, you don’t know?”
“Know what?” Standing, he made to go to her to help her to a chair. She looked as if she were about to faint. But her words stopped him cold.
“I never married Lex.”
“What?” he choked after a long second.
“I’m not a widow,” she whispered hoarsely. “I never married Lex.”
Whoosh! All of the air left his chest, as if he’d been punched hard in the gut. He could feel the blood draining from his own face, and he glanced around for the nearest chair in case he needed it.
“But I saw...” he sputtered, stopping before he confessed that he’d seen her arrive at the wedding ceremony. “...the wedding announcement in the paper.”
She shook her head. “It was too late to pull it. You know Lex. Very...efficient.”
The room started to tilt, and he stumbled backward to the sofa, grasping the arm as he lowered himself down to it. She wasn’t a widow. She had never been married at all.
“Clark? Do you...would you like a glass of water?” Lois asked, concern replacing the stunned look of moments earlier.
He nodded wordlessly, forcing himself to sip the cool liquid when she handed him the glass. Only by concentrating on taking small mouthfuls was he able to maintain some semblance of calm.
When finally he felt able to speak, his voice was shaky. “So when did you...or was it him?”
“No, it was me,” she answered, not needing him to clarify. She chuckled sadly. “Waited all the way until after he’d said ‘I do.’ Figured if I was going to ruin my wedding day, might as well do it with flare.”
“I don’t understand,” he said, more to himself than to her. Why would she have called off her wedding at the last second? He’d almost heard her say her vows. If he’d just waited another minute before flying away, he would have known that she didn’t go through with it.
Oh, God. She hadn’t gone through with it!
“You asked me that day, remember, in the park?” Lois was saying, and he forced himself to listen over the roaring in his ears. “You asked me if I loved Lex. I didn’t know…I mean, I wasn’t sure what I felt. But when I was walking down that aisle, with all of those important people watching me and Lex waiting, I realized what the answer to that question was. It was no. I didn’t love him.”
He remembered that small consolation he’d grabbed onto those last few days before leaving Metropolis. She might not love him, but at least she didn’t know what she felt for Lex either. Turns out, she did know what she felt for him. And it wasn’t love.
“And even though I’m pretty stupid, not listening to you about what a creep he was and all,” Lois went on, “still I was smart enough to know that I couldn’t marry one man when I was in love with someone else.”
The old bitterness surfaced, her implication making it through to his muddled brain very clearly. Of that one fact, he needed absolutely no reminder. “Superman. I know you love Superman but I – ”
“I wasn’t thinking about Superman, Clark,” she interrupted. “I was thinking about...someone else.”
He stared at her, baffled.
“No. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this if I ever got the...if I ever saw you again.” Lois muttered, almost to herself. She straightened and cleared her throat, looking him directly in the eye. “I wasn’t thinking about Superman. I was thinking about you.”
“Me?” He clutched the glass tightly, stopping before it shattered in his hands.
“Yes, you.” She said clearly, firmly. “When I was walking down that aisle, I kept thinking of all of the times we had together and how much I missed you after the Planet was destroyed. How much I was going to miss you...”
She stopped a minute, as if gathering her thoughts together. Meanwhile, he sat stupefied. Was he supposed to believe that instead of Lex Luthor and instead of Superman, she loved him? Clark Kent? Ordinary man? No. There was something he was missing. He’d been away so long he didn’t understand English any more.
But then Lois went on, speaking in the same language that had his stomach tied up in knots. “That day, when you told me that you could lose it all, Jimmy, Perry, the Planet, but it was me that you didn’t want to live without. I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said. When I thought about what I couldn’t live without, it wasn’t Lex or my job or Perry that came to mind. It was you. I love – ”
He stood up, holding out his hand to stop her. This was all gone way out of control, so far off his rehearsed plan he needed a map to find his way back. Time to just get this over with. “Before you say anything else, there’s something I have to tell you.”
This was it. He was going to just say it and then give her some time to digest it. She might throw him out, but that was OK. He had places to go. People to see.
“Lois, I – ”
She didn’t give him a chance, interrupting in a rush. “I was wondering if you happened to bump into Superman while you were gone.” When he blinked at her in stunned confusion, she went on. “He took off around the same time you did. Caused quite a stir. As a matter of fact, I saved some of the editorials people wrote after his letter appeared in the Star.”
Moving to a small secretary against the wall, she opened a drawer and started rummaging around, speaking over her shoulder as she tried to locate the saved editorials. “Most of them were really supportive, but man, there were a couple of freaks who think that Metropolis owns rights to him or something...”
“Lois...” he tried again, squeezing his temples between his finger and thumb.
Suddenly she whirled around, clutching a wad of newspapers in her fist. “Are you going to tell me where you’ve been, Clark?”
He thought only a minute before shaking his head. At this point, it wasn’t any of her business. “I’d rather not – ”
“Because you and Superman have both been gone for over six months.” She stared at him, her eyes piercing. “Almost to the day.”
He knew then. She knew. She already knew what he’d come all the way back to Metropolis to tell her.
Needing the few seconds it afforded him, he crossed the room and pulled out a chair at her table, sinking into it. He leaned an elbow on the table and started to rub his eyes, wincing when he encountered the glasses. The damn glasses. He’d gotten so used to not wearing them that putting them back on had been harder than almost any other readjustment.
Since there was no point in keeping them on for her sake, he took them off and set them on the table, finishing his gesture of rubbing his eyes. This was all such a mess. Nothing had gone according to his plan. He was supposed to come back to Metropolis, see Lois and give her his regrets over her untimely widowhood. Possibly mention that he was Superman. Face the fact that he still loved her even if she didn’t love him and prove to himself that he could still go on to live happily ever after. And then he was supposed to leave. Go back to Colombia and collect Gillian. Get on with his life, whatever that might entail.
But as usual, Lois had screwed up everything. Instead of a bereaved widow, he found an unmarried woman. And instead of revealing his secret to her shock and dismay, she already knew. Had apparently known for quite some time. He couldn’t even think about the love stuff yet.
So what next? Had she had time to digest it? That was the next step in his plan, and until he knew where he stood on that score, he was at a loss.
When he sat back in the seat, his face free of the glasses for the first time in front of her, she gasped audibly, her hand flying to cover her mouth. “Oh, my God,” she whispered.
He remained unaffected, too numb to appreciate her amazement. “How did you figure it out?”
“I don’t think it takes an award winning journalist to put two and two together.” She glanced away, as if embarrassed that she was staring at him. It didn’t last long, her gaze quickly returning to his naked face. “Well, that’s not quite true. It wasn’t that easy, but once I sat down and started to think about it, it all made so much sense. All of the weird disappearances. The fact that I couldn’t remember ever seeing you and Superman in the same place at the same time. Other...things, connections. Smallville, for one.”
“Yeah, I figured that whole Trask fiasco would come back to haunt me,” he said without humor.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.
“When? When was I supposed to tell you?” he snapped. “Back in the beginning when I didn’t know who I could trust? Or later, after I fell in love with you but you already had stars in your eyes?”
Her eyes flashed. “Why didn’t you tell me when I stood right over there and told you that I loved you?”
“Because, you stood right over there and told me that you loved Superman,” he retorted hotly.
“But you are Superman,” she insisted with a hiss.
“No, I’m not. I’m Clark Kent,” he said, the heat of his anger seven months ago coming at him full throttle. “When you told Superman that you’d love him even if he was an ordinary man leading an ordinary life, you were wrong. Because you didn’t love me, and I’m the ordinary man that Superman would be without any of his powers.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I did love the ordinary man. I just didn’t...” she paused, struggling to find the words, “...know it at the time.”
“And when did you know it? After you put two and two together?” It all made sense now. Of course. Her sudden change in heart. That she thought she loved him once she realized he was Superman.
But Lois shook her head vehemently. “No. Before. For crying out loud, I called off my own wedding at a pretty crucial moment because I realized who it was that I really loved.”
“That’s a grand gesture, to be sure,” he said. “Still, I can only wonder what changed your mind from the point when you told me you didn’t have romantic feelings for me to deciding that you loved me. Especially after telling Superman that you wouldn’t marry Lex if he told you there was any chance of a future for the two of you.”
“You don’t believe me?”
“I want to believe you,” he said, meaning it so sincerely it hurt. “But I’m sure you can see why it’s really hard.”
“That’s why I didn’t try to find you. Believe me, I thought about tracking you down. But after what I said, I knew there was no way you’d ever believe me if I came to you and told you I was wrong. That I was sorry, and that I do love you.”
“You’re right,” he said flatly. “I wouldn’t have believed you.”
“And now? Do you believe me now?” she asked.
“A lot of things have changed, Lois,” he said. “I’m not the same person I was six months ago.”
Her arms crossed over her chest, a frown marring her smooth features. “Well maybe you’d better tell me who you are now, because after everything I’ve been through since I’ve met you, I don’t know if I can handle adding another person to the mix.”
“That’s not really very funny,” he said, irritated that she’d joke about something like that.
“I’m not laughing, Clark. I think I’m entitled to a little bit of anger, too, you know. In a way, you really played me for a fool. Letting me think that you were two separate people and not saying a word when I went on and on about Superman.” Her color rose as she launched into her list of grievances. “Can you imagine how mortified I was when I finally realized who you really were?”
Her expressed humiliation took him aback. He’d been so wrapped up in his own bruised feelings he hadn’t given a lot of thought to her possible responses. Anger he’d expected, but not so much embarrassment. Feeling a bit more contrite, he tried to explain. “I never intended for that to happen. When I made the decision to become Superman, I never expected to have that problem, and I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“It really hurt that you didn’t trust me,” she went on, not completely appeased. “I thought we were friends. Good friends.”
“We were. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he apologized. “And I’m sorry if it seemed I distrusted you. I guess when you live your life hiding a big part of yourself from everyone you meet, it becomes second nature.”
“Well sure,” she agreed, “but once I started mooning over Superman, that might have been a good time to mention your connection.”
“By then I’d fallen in love with you and you’d fallen in love with him,” he said somewhat defensively. He grabbed on to the indignation, trying to fuel the small flame so that he could get back on course. “I’m sorry that I kept secrets from you. But not for the reasons you might think. I’m sorry because in doing that, I cheated myself. I wanted so bad for you to love me as a normal man that I sold myself short. I’m not a normal man.”
“I know that,” she retorted, then calmed slightly. “I just wish I would have known it before...”
“Before what, Lois? Would it have made a difference in your feelings?” he asked, really wanting to know the answer. “Would you have loved Clark more because he was Superman or Superman less because he was Clark? Either way, you didn’t love the entire man.”
“Yes, I did,” she insisted stridently, desperately. “Because the things I love in Superman are the exact same things I love in you. Integrity. Bravery. Amazingly stupid optimism. And, Clark, that’s not just a coincidence. It’s like seeing a dress in a store and thinking you really love it, come to find out you already own the same dress. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I think so,” he said, then shook his head. Dresses and him being stupidly optimistic. “I don’t know.”
“I would love you if you didn’t have any powers because it’s not the powers that make you special. It’s a lot more. But you wouldn’t be the you that you are without them,” she explained, placing a hand on his arm. “You can’t separate yourself into two halves and insist that I love one without the other.”
He swallowed, turning and striding to the window, not able to bear the heat of her hand on his arm. Of all the things that she’d said, her last statement hit him the hardest. That’s exactly what he’d tried to do. What he’d regretted most, and what he’d come back to explain to her. But she’d already figured it out for herself. And if she understood, it was possible, believable even, that her claims of love were genuine. Maybe she did love more than just the façade.
“You were going to tell me, weren’t you?” she said from behind him. “A little bit ago. If I wouldn’t have told you that I’d figured out you were Superman, you were going to tell me yourself.”
“Yes,” he said, turning around to face her.
“Why?”
“Because I’m not ashamed of being Clark Kent. I don’t feel like I have to apologize for that part of myself anymore. It’s who I am.”
That was it. What he’d spent six months stacking adobe bricks in order to find out.
He took a deep breath. “And now you know everything there is to know about me. I’ve laid all of my cards on the table, and after that, how you feel is out of my control. I needed to know that I was completely honest with you so I could move on with my life.”
She stared at him for a minute, sinking down on to the sofa but never pulling her gaze from his face.
“And what does that mean? Moving on?” she asked, her voice breaking slightly. “Are you leaving again?”
“I haven’t decided yet...” he said, more confused that he’d ever been in his whole life.
“Would you stay?” She swallowed. “If I asked you to, would you stay for me?”
Once again, the air left his lungs.
<Would you go home if I asked you to?>
to be continued...
