Last time
“I … I can’t…. I – I feel like I‘m close to losing control.” His voice was now a growl, and that feral sound finally registered with her. She felt a thrill of fear run through her at the idea that he would or could lose control. That fear, as before, was linked inexorably with sensual excitement. I wonder what that would be like. That thought floated up in defiance of the fear in her that was warning her to heed his words – to stop this now, before it was too late. The old Lois was afraid of Clark out of control, while the sensually awakened wild woman inside her was almost eager to meet with her equally wild mate.
“I… I – “
“I’m sorry,” he gasped out again. “I didn’t think… I would… I – I didn’t think I could get like this – feel so out of control like this… it’s never happened to me before… but if I don’t stop now – I might not be able to – I might not even be aware you want me to – I feel like my mind is clouding over, and I can’t think of anything but making love to you,” he confessed in a heated rush. “I can’t let that happen!”
She nodded, her throat dry. “I… I don’t want to stop – but – I – I don’t know if I’m ready for – I don’t think I am – and – “
“Shh,” he said, gently stroking her face with his hand. “I know. I know. And that’s why… I stopped – I have to stop – while I still can.”
“So you don’t want to stop?” Insecurity laced her voice, and his eyes darkened again, making her feel a shiver inside.
“I want… nothing more… at this moment… than to kiss you senseless. To press you back against the couch – to feel your entire body pressing against mine – to join with you in the most intimate way possible,” he growled. “And I want that… now!”
“Oh,” once again, all she was capable of was a breathless gasp.
“Is it okay that I told you that?”
She nodded her head mutely. She was feeling a very heady combination of fear and desire, and she wasn’t even sure she didn’t want the scenario he had just described to happen. Her body wanted to blindly arch towards him, to entice him further into a primitive rhythm, but the part of her that had been through a hellish ordeal was holding her back.
Words bubbled through her mind, and ached to burst out and be heard: Stay. Stay the night. Make love to me.
Part 53
The words hung there in her mind, but she was unable to break past the fear she was feeling – unable to actually ask him to stay. She looked at him, flushed and confused - desire and fear warring for control.
“I want you to stay,” she started to say, a nervous edge to her voice. “But – I don’t think that… I mean – if you’re close to losing control – and – I don’t know if I can go all the way through with this – I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
He shook his head. “It’s not a good idea. I really can’t believe how I feel when I’m with you. It really… shakes me – how much I feel that loss of awareness – that loss of control. It scares me, even.” His voice was still hoarse from the effects of his own passion.
She looked up, and met his gaze directly. She saw such honesty and earnestness in them. And she also saw the love that had been there all along – probably since day one.
She reached up, not really thinking, and caressed his face. He caught her hand in one of his, and held it up against his face with a gentle grip that she knew she could easily break free from.
“I love your face,” she sighed.
“Really? You really do?” Amazement laced his words.
“You surely can’t be surprised that someone would… you’re so gorgeous. So beautiful – and that smile of yours ought to be regulated. I mean – you smile at someone who happens to be driving a bike, and that person is going to drive right into a tree.”
He laughed at that, enjoying this side of her.
“I guess you meant because you look like Kal.” Her voice was sober now. “I’m right… aren’t I?”
“Well – I mean – it’s hard not to be surprised – or just amazed that you can even stand to look at me. I – I don’t know if I could ever look at someone who looked and sounded like Luthor, and call him a trusted friend.”
“I can’t explain it either,” she said. “When I first saw you here – I thought you looked exactly like Kal. But then, when you saved my life – when you saved me from that truck – I did finally look at you – after you kept begging me to respond – and… I was shocked at how unlike Kal you were. It was amazing. Still – it did take me a long time to get past it all. Sometimes I was so sure you looked just like him… and other times, it was impossible to see the resemblance. I’m still getting through that… sometimes…”
“When we kiss,” he asked, cautiously, not trying to hurt her. “Do I -“
“You don’t kiss anything like him. He was brutal and hurtful. Concerned only with his own pleasure, and his own pleasure came from inflicting pain and fear. There is no comparison – none.” Her voice was resolute in its firm assertions.
“But still – the fact that I’m physically identical – “
“So far – hasn’t been a huge issue … with physical - closeness – you’ve seen how you affect me.”
“I just worry …” He trailed off, unable to say it. When we’re close. When we lie together – in a bed – and take off our clothes – when our bodies come in close and unhindered contact… what if that brings it all back for her? What if it’s inevitable. What if she can’t ever stop seeing him – when we try to get close? What if I lose her?
“I know – it scares me too. Uh – guess that’s pretty obvious, right?” She laughed a little in self-deprecating embarrassment. “ I guess that’s why I – I can’t just ask you to – make love to me tonight. I know that I might very well have a panic attack, and then – if you feel out of control – “
“You don’t owe me any explanations… I agree. I need to learn how to control my responses to you.”
“Part of me is glad you aren’t in control. Kryptonians in that other world were so arrogant about how they were in such control of themselves, and how sloppy and out of control we puny little earthlings were.”
Clark winced. “Sounds pretty bigoted on their part”
“By thinking of us in that way, they were able to justify not … not … caring about what they did to us.”
“I can’t imagine ever …” He stopped. He didn’t want to evoke bad memories.
“You couldn’t. The man you are – the man you always have been – no matter what the circumstances of your life – you could never have been like him.”
“Thanks, Lois. I really … appreciate you saying that.”
“So - what would you have done if I couldn’t have gotten passed the appearance thing? Past it enough to even be friends?”
“Well, I guess I could have worn a disguise,” he said, smiling at her as he made the lame joke. Her words sent cold chills down his spine – the thought of not having Lois in his life – ever… it was unthinkable.
“I’m smarter than that,” she said saucily. “Just because it worked in that other world. I mean – what would you do? Wear a hat? Hey – maybe next time you go into that other Lois’s universe, you can wear a hat. And then she won’t recognize you. And then, you can take the hat off, and say – Look! It’s just me!”
He laughed, and he pulled her into his arms, charmed by her silliness.
“You really don’t like her, do you?”
“Other-Lois?”
“Yes. Why?”
“I guess… she – you fell in love with her first. And – that hurts.” Lois was serious once again, as she aired out this old and long-standing wound in her heart.
“I didn’t fall in love with her first. I fell in love with the idea of her. She wasn’t the one… but she was a close second, and that was closer than anyone else had ever come. Lois – I was lonely… and she made me feel like I could be part of something – that I could have a real home … a real family. That I could be me and still be… be loved.”
“Oh – Clark… that’s really – it makes me feel so awful about being so mean towards you.”
“You don’t need to – all hurts are healed now. I mean – anything I may have felt – any sadness or loneliness – it’s gone. You’ve made it all go away. And - I’ve said it before- you’re actions made a lot of sense. You weren’t trying to be malicious.”
“I don’t know. There were times when I had some strong doubts that I was doing the right thing – and yet, I kept twisting the screw. I guess – I wanted to hurt him, and doing something that might hurt you felt like – uh – I guess… a close second.”
He tightened his arm in a comforting squeeze.
“But about – Lois… if she were to come here and tell you that she loved you, and wanted you to be with her… she’s not all traumatized like I am – you could have a close relationship with her without all the baggage.” Lois knew the answer, but she still needed to hear it. Her insecurities would take a long time to wither away.
“You are the only one in my heart. And you always will be the only one in my heart.”
“Oh… Clark…”
“Besides, she cut her hair really short, and I like yours better!”
“Hey!!! So if I were to cut my hair…”
“Well… “
“Clark!”
“I’m just kidding. You could shave your entire head and put tattoos all over it, and even though I’d be saddened to – what… what is it?”
He stopped as he saw her grow pale. She stiffened a little, and he released her from his light embrace, sensing she needed some space.
“I… I kind of have something – I want to tell you.” Her voice sounded tense and scared, and she couldn’t look at him.
“Anything. You can tell me anything.” He was worried that her behavior was out of fear of making him angry. He didn’t yet know what she wanted to say.
“I – I … I have a… brand,” she said, flushing deep red. “Near the base of my neck.”
“I know,” he said quietly.
Startled, she looked up at him. “You… you know? I mean – how do you … you haven’t… I mean – you wouldn’t…”
“No. I would never look through your clothes. You do not need to start lining them all with lead. I – I… saw it when you were asleep – uh – on the floor of my apartment. I – your shirt had slipped enough for me to see it – I wasn’t really looking – or … you know – ogling you – but… I – I saw it, and it was obviously not a birthmark.”
“It… it was an ownership mark,” she whispered harshly, springing to her feet. She felt nervous and trapped as old memories started to crowd. She could still hear Kal’s voice in her head telling her that she was his.
“I should have told you,” his voice was contrite. God, does she feel violated now – knowing that I’d seen it?
“No… no – you didn’t do anything wrong. You were waiting for me to talk about it. You guessed, and rightly so – that I wouldn’t want you to broach the subject.”
He shook his head. “Unimagineable. Unconscionable. To … to do that to another living being… a sentient and intelligent – being… a woman, no less… I mean – it defies all decency – all -… the man is clearly a monster of the highest order.”
“Yes. Yes, he is.”
“God… that had to have been terrifying, and painful as hell.”
She looked directly at him.
“He did it my first day there. I had no idea it was coming… and… after that… he – uh… “ She trailed away.
“If I ever can get Herb to agree to it, I want to go to that world and stop him from ever doing that to anyone again,” he said fervently. “God – that’s so sick and horrifying. I’m sorry. Lois – I’m sorry – I should have been there, I should have known, and I should have stopped him. I wish more than anything that I could have stopped him.”
“You can’t go there,” she said, her voice rising in passion. “It’s too dangerous. And then, I’d feel compelled to accompany you to watch over you, and – well – I know the lay of the land there… and then – I’d have to face him again – so promise me… we won’t ever go there!”
He looked at her. “I don’t want to make that promise. I don’t ever want you going back there – but – “
“Clark! You can’t ever go there. I forbid it. Okay? You don’t even have to promise. I forbid it.”
He was silent a moment, giving it some thought, and then his eyes met hers.
“In that case, I guess there’s no point in talking about it. – if that’s your final word….”
“Clark – please tell me that – “
“If you forbid it, I won’t do it. I mean – you obviously feel very strongly about it – “
“Don’t get all Kryptonian on me,” she snapped, her cheeks flaming red. “Damn it. I love you, and I won’t let you kill yourself like that. I won’t let Lord Kal hurt me again – and if he killed you, he would be delivering one of his worst blows yet! “
“I’m sorry,” he said, full of compunction. “I didn’t mean to sound…”
“I’m sorry. I can’t use your species as an epithet. That’s rude. And bigoted. I … I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I’m glad you did. I’m glad you can yell at me. Glad you can forbid me to do things…”
“And yet, it’s inequitable. If you ever yelled at me, or tried to forbid me to do something, I’d have a panic attack.” She sat back down next to him as she said these words.
“I won’t ever yell at you. And as far as forbidding… I”ll just pester you not to do things – I can be annoying when I give it a good try.”
She laughed. “I’ll have to see that in action.”
“I do want to put your fears about the other Lois to rest – or at least… as best as I can. I really don’t love her. I – guess… I – I should tell you this… I actually did kiss her… and – while it was a great kiss – it wasn’t that – kind of – wow… feeling – that I get with you. She isn’t my soul-mate, Lois. You are.”
“Woah. Wait. You kissed her?”
He looked at her, discomfort and guilt lurking in his expression.
“Back in her world… we were looking for her Clark – Tempus had caused him to be lost in time. She despaired of ever finding him again. And – I guess I just… being near her, being in her world – seeing his parents, seeing their life – made me feel so lonely and … just so close to something that I would like to have as my life… that I kissed her.”
“What did she do?”
“She kissed me back, and then, she stopped the kiss, and made it very clear that it wasn’t ever going to happen again.”
“Oh… I’m … I’m sorry?”
“No – I’m not. She was right. I stepped over the line, and she was right to tell me off.”
“Your motivation wasn’t impure – I mean – you could easily lure women away from the men who love them– if you so desired…”
“Still… but my point is that – I kissed her – and – it was nothing like kissing you.”
“Like with Kal… “
He winced at that. “Not exactly. I mean – Lois wasn’t a monster…”
“I know… but – even if Kal hadn’t been – evil – I probably would never have felt the attraction that I feel towards you.”
“When did you start feeling it?”
”Well – I was drawn to you – almost right from the start… but I didn’t start feeling – anything that could be called an attraction until – well – I’m not sure. But – I guess… when you went off to stop the asteroid, I was fiercely jealous of Leyna – you both seemed to be flirting with each other.”
“Oh. Wow.”
“But I think even earlier than that… I was drawn to you. I was also still very scared – and confused – he kept rearing up in my mind – causing me to get all agitated. I’m sorry – for all the times I acted like that in front of you.”
“You have no need to apologize. I really mean it.”
“I guess it’s still all so confusing sometimes. Sometimes I see him instead of you, because of some kind of trigger… or other times – well - you seem more like him than you do at other times.” She blushed in embarrassment as she tried explain. When you’re feeling desire. That’s when it seems most glaring. God – how awful a thing to say to him. I can’t say that.
“Like before, when we were kissing?” He hadn’t read her mind, but he could read her face.
“Yeah,” she said, looking away.
“Is there anything I can do about that? I don’t want you to have to see … what you saw in his eyes, or expression – or – “ His voice and expression were anxious.
“No! This isn’t your fault – it’s just – I’m still getting used to seeing you like that. It’s good to feel that way, Clark. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, and under ideal circumstances, I would certainly want to see you like that.”
“But … it scares me a bit, Lois. You – I feel – so … god… with you – it’s like I’m – just – lost in it. And that scares me.” His voice was hesitant as he made this admission which could potentially frighten the heck out of her.
“The control thing?”
“I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to be Kryptonian – whatever that means. I don’t know what that means, and I’m not trying to set myself apart from humanity – but… I mean – and I hate saying this… but – my powers give me an added… burden? Responsibility? I can’t lose control – I can’t risk hurting people… you know? Simple things that people can do – like – slamming their fist into the couch when they see their team losing in an important game… I can’t do stuff like that. I have to worry about that stuff. And – with… physical intimacy – it’s even more important - to keep control.”
“But physical intimacy is sometimes about losing control. About immersing yourself in those feelings.”
“It can’t be. Not for me.’
“Clark – you can’t hold yourself to an impossible standard. Is this… another reason, why you’ve waited?”
He looked down, unable to meet her gaze.
“Look – Clark… you know … that I’m still here. Alive. And… not overly harmed in any way that you can see… I’ve had broken bones, but – never by accident. You know?”
He winced, and squeezed his eyes shut.
“Oh god,” he groaned.
“I’m not trying to hurt you – I just wanted you to – think about the implications – if it gives you any kind of comfort – to know that…”
“Comfort –“
“No. I realize. No comfort in knowing that I was abused like that,” she said. “I know that… but – “
He looked directly at her, and then reached up a cautious hand to stroke her hair.
“I love you, Lois –for … telling me that – with the intent of making me feel better. I love you.”
“Does it help?”
He winced again. “I hate to …”
“It’s okay if it does.” Her voice was hasty as she sought to reassure him.
“Well – it had kind of occurred to me…”
“I figured – you had to have thought about it.”
“But… what if – “ He stopped, appalled that he was even going to ask.
“What if – what?”
“Is it okay – I mean… if I ask you something about that world?”
“Clark, you can ask. Go ahead. I can’t guarantee it won’t upset me, but I won’t be angry about it – and it’s okay.” She finished off, feeling a surge of nervous anticipation. What was he going to ask?
“Well… I … I mean – maybe the first – few times… anyone there – I mean – maybe they hurt people – or killed them… until they … learned how to – not…”
“Oh, Clark- is that what you’re worried about?”
“It’s hard not to be,” he mumbled, looking down. “I mean – I was pretty confident that I could handle this – that I could always stop when you asked, and then – after just a few moments of kissing, I’m acting like a crazed animal… it’s not – what I expected, and it is scary.”
“You weren’t anything like a crazed animal. If you were… then I was too. But… Clark – what about that other Clark? And Lois?”
“I don’t know – I never asked – but they weren’t married, and… so - if he’s like me, I’m guessing – “
“Yeah… but eventually, didn’t they help form a utopian-like society? Didn’t their descendants help form this society? That implies that … she survived, and – likely enjoyed their encounters together.”
“I… I never thought of that,” he said, still uncomfortable about the line of conversation. “I guess you’ve got a good point there.”
“It’ll all work out,” she said, trying to give him more assurance than what she personally felt. She really wasn’t worried that Clark would accidentally hurt her – but she was afraid that he might not even know she needed him to stop – and might unwittingly hurt her by pushing her into intimacy when she was gripped with fears and memories from her past. She couldn’t bear if that ever happened – in addition to adding to her physical and emotional trauma, it would destroy their relationship. And that was unbearable to contemplate.
“Thanks, Lois.”
“So… tomorrow night? What are you doing? Want to get together?”
“I … actually… I have a date. Uh… you know – with Carissa.”
[tbc]
