"I don't believe it!" Lois exclaimed as she looked at her cards. "I don't have anything." She started picking cards off the pile of facedown cards, not finding one to play until the ninth one she drew. Her frown grew. She put the single card down. To her annoyance, she had nothing else. "I guess it's your turn," she said begrudgingly.
Clark raised his eyebrows, surprised. He hadn't gotten the chance to play a card before now, and he almost wasn't sure how to play. Two of the three cards in his hand were red, and the top card on the pile was also red. "Uno!" Clark exclaimed. He was shocked, staring for a moment at the one card he had left. "Uno, Uno, Uno!" he yelled as he waved the card in front of her face. "Goodbye, shoes!"
As Lois angrily removed her right shoe, she muttered, "You were just lucky. Don't think it'll happen again." Then she reached over to deal.
She was wrong. The improbable happened again. Now she had lost both shoes, and was precariously close to losing her nylons -- not to mention her temper. She eyed her five cards, Clark's two cards, and then the long-forgotten kiwi. She was *not* going to lose!
Clark put his second-to-last card onto the deck, and exclaimed, "I won! I won again!" Then he realized that he had forgotten one of the main rules of the game. "UNO!"
Lois looked at his one card in disbelief. "You didn't win! You couldn't have won *three* in a row!"
"Why not? Because you're cheating? Come on! Goodbye nylons!" As Lois reluctantly began to pull her nylons off, Clark got into the spirit of his new winning ways. "Lo-o-is lo-ost, Lo-o-is lo-ost," he taunted in a very off key chant. He stood up and started waving around his one card near Lois' head. "Uno, uno, un-o!"
Clark was being ridiculous! And he *never* gloated like that. Lois couldn't believe he was rubbing his wins in her face. She grabbed her uneaten kiwi from the floor and stood up. When Clark stopped dancing to look at her, she raised her right arm and smashed the kiwi into his face.
The sweet, sticky, green, kiwi juice ran down his face, as Clark tried to figure out what had just happened.
"Oh my god, I am so sorry, Clark!" Lois exclaimed. She dropped the kiwi, not quite believing what she had done. She watched the juices run down his face, dripping onto his chest. "Can I help you?"
Still stunned, Clark wasn't sure what to say. He stared at the sticky juice in disbelief.
Lois took the paper towel the kiwi had been wrapped in and said, "Here, let me." Gently, she use it to wipe off the dripping juice, first from Clark's chest, then moving up to stroke his face.
Swallowing hard, Clark took the towel from her, going over the spots she had missed. Finally, he looked away, breaking eye contact. He gazed at the strange statue. The tides had turned in his favor as soon as he had brought the odd-looking rock down. "I think I just found something very valuable."
"What?" Aww, that was so sweet. She knew what he was going to say. He was so sweet! Of course he was going to tell her that she was the something valuable. Then she would tell him that *he* was the valuable thing she had been waiting for all her life.
"This!" he exclaimed as he picked up the sculpture. Then he settled back onto the floor, the statue next to him. "Here Kiwi, come sit by me, where you can see my cards." He patted the top of the figure's head as though petting a dog. "Good Kiwi!"
"Kiwi, Clark?" Lois shook her head, still not exactly sure what he was talking about. That horrible, gaudy statue was his idea of something valuable? "And you named it? After a *fruit*?"
Ignoring Lois, Clark turned his attention to his new pet. "Come on, Kiwi, let me rub your belly for luck." Looking at Lois while rubbing the statue's round belly, he said, "I need all the luck I can get to beat you, honey. Kiwi makes me lucky *and* I hope he makes me *get* lucky, too!" He grabbed three cards off the deck for himself and gave the next three cards to Lois. Without waiting for her to make a move, Clark put two of his cards onto the discard pile. "Kiwi!" He exclaimed. Then he shook his head to clear his mind. "I mean, Uno! " He picked up 'Kiwi' and started to dance with it. "U-no! U-no! Good-bye jack-et! Good-bye jack-et!" he chanted as he gyrated obscenely with the statue.
Lois shook her head. Something was wrong with this picture. Clark was *dancing* with that horrible ET statue. He had *named* it. None of it made sense. The worst thing was that she had lost three, no four, hands in a row. This had to be a dream, didn't it? It was way too outlandish to be real!
Eventually Clark settled down. Lois shrugged out of her jacket, and dealt the cards again. This time Lois watched her husband very closely. Suddenly, she gasped with shock and anger, as she realized just *how* Clark had been winning. "Clark! I *knew* you were cheating!"
"Cheating?" Clark asked innocently. Or at least, he tried to ask. The word came out rather garbled, since his mouth was full.
"You're *eating* the cards! You didn't expect me to see that?" Lois just stared at Clark. She had seen him do some odd things on occasion, but eating *cards*?
"But Kiwi told me to do it," he protested. What was wrong with eating the cards? They tasted really good -- like kiwi fruit! He sucked the card into his mouth and chewed. "Tasty! Wanna try one?"
Lois was speechless. He didn't see anything *wrong* with eating the deck of Uno cards? *What* was going on? Before Lois had a chance to ponder that question, there was a sharp knock on the door. "Oh, no!" Lois exclaimed. "Who could that be at *this* hour on *Valentine's Day*?"
"Ooh, Jimmy, I bet it's Jimmy! Jimmy's my friend!" He grabbed 'Kiwi' again, and twirled around with it. "I bet he wants to meet Kiwi! Kiwi's my friend!"
"Clark!" Lois exclaimed. "Even if it *is* Jimmy, I hope you drop this crazy bit. And put some clothes on!" What was wrong with Clark? He'd taken this crazy Kiwi bit way too far. It was no longer even bordering on amusing.
"Yes, honey!" Clark nodded obediently. As Lois went to the door, Clark grabbed a handful of clothes from the floor, and dove behind the ficus tree in the corner of the room.
Before opening the door, Lois gazed through the peephole. She saw a short woman, dressed in a vaguely military-looking jumpsuit. It was black and mustard yellow, with a strange emblem on the chest. The oddly-dressed woman was carrying a huge bouquet of red and yellow balloons. "Oh my god, that must be Aunt Gail," Lois muttered. No one else could possibly look that silly -- and that much like Martha -- at the same time. She took a fortifying breath, and opened the door. But Clark said she wasn't coming until *tomorrow*! Clark had obviously been wrong. Stupid stardates. Who actually knew how to read them? Even Clark, who could order dinner in 347 languages, couldn't even figure the crazy things out.
Lois opened the door hesitantly, unsure *what* to expect. Except for the costume and the balloons, Aunt Gail didn't *look* too strange -- but looks could be deceiving. Who brought hundreds of balloons as a gift when they visited? And just two colors -- red and yellow? Maybe they were from her home planet.
"I am Lieutenant B.G. Robinson," the woman introduced herself. "You are Commander L.J. Lane, I presume. I believe you received a communiqué regarding my arrival. May I have permission to come aboard?"
She wanted *what*? Somewhat dazed, Lois managed to say, "Sure, come on in." The 'Lieutenant' stayed in the doorway, standing at attention. Why wasn't she coming in? Had she not heard her? Groaning silently to herself, Lois tried again, "Permission granted, Lieutenant." Thankfully, that did the trick. Posture now relaxed, Clark's aunt followed Lois in. Looking around the living room, Lois wondered where her husband had disappeared. A movement over in the corner caught her eye.
"These are for you, Commander, from our exploratory mission of the planet Gorlok." Aunt Gail thrust the ribbons from two of the balloons into Lois' hand, allowing the others to float up to the ceiling. "They come in peace."
At a loss, Lois found herself saying, "Thank you, Lieutenant." She wanted to tell the crazy lady to call her 'Lois', but she had a feeling it wouldn't be any use. And what the heck was she supposed to do with these balloons? Was there some sort of significance to holding just two balloons? No, wait, she really *didn't* want to know.
Before Lois could ask anything else, Aunt Gail looked around the room and asked, "Where's my favorite alien?"
"What?" Lois sputtered. She was absolutely shocked. Clark had told his crazy aunt his secret? That didn't seem possible.
"My nephew, your husband, Commander. From the planet Kimbob. Earth Name: Clark Jerome Kent."
Lois had absolutely no idea how to answer this woman. Maybe she should fight insanity with more insanity. "Oh, he's behind the ficus," she answered, trying to stay calm. She tried to surreptitiously check whether Clark had managed to get dressed, but the ficus was blocking her view. With an internal shrug, she closed the front door, and walked into the living room still holding her two balloons. She hoped Clark had managed to get dressed. If not . . . well, there was always the ficus.
Aunt Gail seated herself on the sofa. "Oh, there you are, Clark. It's good to see you."
Still wondering what to do with the balloons, Lois turned to look at Clark. Well, he wasn't wearing just his boxers anymore! Lois fought down a giggle. He must have picked up her clothes by mistake. Now, in addition to the silk boxers, Clark sported her bolero jacket, and teetered unsteadily in her nylons and heels. And . . . were those *leaves* sticking out of his mouth? As Lois watched in horrified amusement, Clark swallowed the leaves, and adjusted the jacket.
Lois tried desperately to think of something -- *anything* -- to say to explain Clark's odd behavior to his aunt. "Ah, well, you see, Clark, he, we . . ." She sputtered to a stop. To Lois' astonishment, the other woman didn't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary.
Aunt Gail had picked up the statue from the floor. Clark must have left it in his rush to get dressed. She looked at the odd thing with affection. "I'm so glad you have Trokob out. He would be so lonely if he couldn't see people. And you know," she leaned over to whisper in Lois' ear, "I think he might be claustrophobic." In a regular voice, she told Clark, as she handed him back the statue, "He does seem to like the outdoors. He was in the middle of an Andorian field when I beamed him up." She turned back to Lois. "That's what I do you, know. I'm the transporter chief."
Lois could only nod, still at a loss for words.
Casually, Aunt Gail added, "Actually, my boy, you're starting to look a bit like an Andorian yourself. Antennae and all."
"Oh, thanks, Lieutenant!" That was a new one for Clark. In all the years he had known his crazy aunt, she had never told him that looked like one of her bizarre, non-humanoid aliens. It seemed like Crazy Aunt Gail was getting even more nuts as time passed.
"Antennae?!" Lois looked at Clark, and realized blue antennae were indeed sprouting out of her husband's head. "Oh my god, Clark, she's right! You *are* growing some!"
"I am? You're kidding." Clark reached up, and was somehow not surprised to find two new stalk-like appendages sprouting from his head. "Dude, antennae are cool!"
"I think so too, Borlog!" Gail agreed.
"Borlog?" Lois wondered aloud. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything, but it had seemed to be the safest thing to ask. It was much easier to think about why Aunt Gail called Clark 'Borlog', than why he had suddenly started eating cards and ficus leaves, or why he had grown antennae.
While Lois was still trying to decide if this could possibly be a dream, she was startled to hear a loud beeping emanating from somewhere in the room. Clark and Aunt Gail didn't seem surprised, though. Aunt Gail casually pulled what looked like a black cell phone out of her back pocket. Did they have those on spaceships? Lois wondered dizzily.
"Lt. Robinson here. Yes, yes, right away Captain. No, I won't miss it, sir. Right away, sir." Aunt Gail closed the somewhat clunky-looking phone shut with a snap. "Well, it has been lovely to see you two, but my shuttle back to Enterprise is due to leave in," she checked an odd-looking watch, "five earth minutes, precisely. I'll see myself out." Leaving Lois staring after her, and Clark playing with his new antennae, she left.
Lois turned back to look at Clark, hoping he had just put on an act for his crazy aunt. She had no idea how he made the antennae, but they were a nice touch. "That was . . . " she trailed off, forgetting what she had been saying. Mouth agape, she stared at her husband. First the antennae, and now . . . ! "My God, Clark, you're turning *blue*! Are you okay?"
"I'm *what*?" Clark asked. Then he gazed at his blue hand, turning it to see both sides. He shrugged. "Turning blue?"
"Yes!" Lois exclaimed. "And you're not worried about this?"
"No," he said matter-of-factly. Then he nodded. "Good, I like blue. Blue is cool. Like Superman."
Before Lois could answer, or even *begin* to process what was happening, blue-Clark disappeared in a flash. "Clark? Clark, where did you go?" Lois asked frantically.
In another flash, her husband, now blue from head to toe, appeared before her. She had no idea where he had gone, but at least he had come back when she called.
"You know I'm Superman. He's cool." He picked up 'Kiwi' and sang to it. "I am, I am, I am Superman, and I can do anything." As he sang, his voice got higher and squeakier, and he turned an even brighter shade of blue.
"What's wrong with your voice, Clark? You sound like a Smurf on crack! You *look* like a Smurf on crack!" Lois could not believe her eyes!
"I am, I am Superman, and I know what's happening," he sang in the same squeaky voice.
"Well, good, then explain it to *me*," demanded Lois skeptically. She couldn't wait to hear this explanation!
"I'm blue because I'm Superman." And with that, Clark spun from the boxers, nylons, heels and jacket into the briefs and belt from his Superman suit -- *just* the briefs and belt.
"My briefs are red and my belt is yellow!" he continued singing. "I match! I am, I am Superman, and I can do anything." Handing 'Kiwi' to Lois, he grabbed a handful of balloons from the ceiling. "Yay! Celebratory balloons from the planet Gorlok! Hooray! I've always wanted to go to Gorlok. Now it's almost like I'm already there. And they're red and yellow. Just like my briefs. Look how well they match. They're *Superman* balloons from the planet Gorlok!"
"Gorlok, Clark, really?" Lois couldn't believe how weird Clark was acting. Maybe insanity really *was* contagious? After all, hadn't Aunt Gail also said the balloons were from Gorlok?
With his bunch of balloons now tied around his wrist, Clark grabbed Lois around the waist and high-kicked. She didn't kick along with him, but that was okay. He sang, "We're men, we're
men in tights ."
Lois wasn't sure what to do. It didn't seem to matter to him that she wasn't dancing along. Maybe she should try a different approach. "Clark, I'm a woman and I'm not wearing tights . . . and neither are you!"
"I'm a man, a man that's blue."
"Just go back to the real song, Clark."
Lois still wasn't dancing with him, so he let her go, but continued singing and dancing.
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!
We're men, we're men (and Lois) in tights,
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
We're men, MANLY men (and sexy Lois), we're men in tights (she's not in tights).
I'm Superman, Superman in tights (TIGHT tights),
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
When you're in a fix just call for Superman in tights.
"He's worse than a two year old." Lois watched Clark dance with the balloons. Suddenly he grabbed the ficus and started to drag it, spilling dirt all over the rug. "Clark! What are you doing?"
"All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel," he sang loudly, off-key. He looked at Lois and said, "I'm the monkey and you're the weasel." He pulled the ficus out to the middle of the room and continued, "And I want to chase you around the mulberry bush!"
Lois stared at him incredulously. What had *happened* to her husband? He had seemed fine until . . . Could it be? Was it that crazy statue? Could 'Kiwi' be making Clark act so strangely, grow antennae, and turn blue? She had absolutely no idea. Or was it the ficus? When in doubt, she could always blame the ficus.
At this point, Lois was willing to try anything. Maybe the ficus was laced with some kind of red kryptonite. Right now she'd almost believe anything, so she decided to get rid of the suspect tree. She'd never really liked it anyway.
Leaving 'Kiwi' on the table, Lois grabbed the ficus and dragged it away from Clark. Then she shoved it into the fireplace. The flames engulfed the tree, and Lois walked away, wiping her hands. There, if that was the problem, it was taken care of.
"But, but, but," Clark squeaked, a single tear trickling down his cheek. "Why did you burn my mulberry bush, mean weasel?"
"The weasel ATE the mulberry bush. It's all gone." Lois looked back at Clark and gasped. Oh no! He was still blue and squeaky! So maybe it wasn't the ficus after all.
Clark, still very sad about his mulberry bush, stuck his tongue out at Lois, and grabbed 'Kiwi' from the table.
To Lois' shock, as Clark picked up the horrible statue, his skin turned an electric blue. Could it really be that stupid statue that was making Clark crazy? Maybe it was made out of a strange kind of kryptonite. Then it hit her. Aunt Gail had said she had beamed it up from an Andorian field. Lois remembered Clark telling her that there was a play area in Smallville that Clark had played in as a boy, called the 'Andorian Fields' or something like that. They even had a picture somewhere . . . Could this statue be made of some strange rock from Krypton? Possibly, and in any case, she knew that they had to get rid of the statue.
"Pop goes the weasel!" Clark exclaimed as he popped one of the balloons tied to his wrist. "Yay! Crazy planet gas! I wanna drink the Gorlokian gas"
"No, Clark, don't!" Lois exclaimed, by force of habit. At this point, though, Lois wasn't sure if drinking helium would do anything to him. It certainly couldn't make things any worse!
"But, Lois, I want to sound squeaky," he squeaked as he flew around the room trying to catch the 'crazy planet gas.'
"Honey, you already do." Lois wasn't sure what else to say. She still wasn't even sure if this was really happening. It *had* to be a dream, right? Oh, *please* let this all be a nightmare! Experimentally, Lois pinched herself. Nope, Clark was still flying around the room, chasing balloons and looking blue.
But as Clark flew around the room, sucking up the helium like a flying Hoover, he began to look a little less blue. "I like it, Lois!" he exclaimed, his voice now a little *less* squeaky.
Lois had absolutely no idea what was going on except this: ficus, bad, 'Kiwi', bad, helium, *good*. She had to figure out a way for Clark to inhale as much helium as he could, and get rid of that horrible statue. They *did* have hundreds of balloons on the ceiling. Now she just needed to make Clark drink all their helium.
"Clark, do you like the alien gas?"
Clark looked at her with wide eyes. "Yes, honey," he said happily.
"Do you want *more* alien gas?" Lois prodded.
"But it's strange alien gas. Do I want to drink strange alien gas?"
Lois nodded. "Doesn't it taste good?" Lois felt like she was coaxing a reluctant child to eat his vegetables.
"But it's drugs. Drugs are bad. Balloon alien gas kills brain cells." He had a panicked look in his eyes.
"I think yours are dying by the second anyway," Lois muttered. Then she yelled, "But, Clark, you're *Superman*! It doesn't kill *yours*."
"Oh, right, because I'm Su-per-man!" and then made a loud "whooshing" noise as he made their 'flying' gesture. He lifted off the ground, popped every balloon, and inhaled all the helium.
With each balloon he popped, he turned a little less blue, and his antennae shrank a little more.
"Honey, I think 'Kiwi' is homesick."
Clark stopped mid-flight and said, voice almost back to normal, "Oh no!"
"Why don't you send 'Kiwi' back to Andor, sweetheart. It misses its mommy and daddy." Lois prayed this tactic would work.
"Oh no!" Clark picked up the statue and his hands started to turn blue again. He carried it to the door and threw it skyward. "Bye-bye, Kiwi! I'll miss you." His lower lip trembled as he watched the statue zoom up and away. "K-iiii-wiiiii," he moaned. He reached his arms out towards the sky, beckoning the statue to return.
Lois breathed a sigh of relief as the statue whooshed up, into the stratosphere and beyond, she hoped. The farther the statue got away, the more normal Clark looked. The antennae had completely disappeared, and his skin was even returning to its normal shade. She just hoped the rest of him was back to normal, too.
Suddenly Clark exclaimed, in his usual voice, "*What* am I wearing? I didn't lose *that* badly at Strip Uno, did I?" He examined his yellow belt and red briefs carefully. "I *know* I had boxers on, even if they *did* have a kiwi stain on them."
Lois was so relieved that he was back to normal, she just stared at his wonderful *not blue* face for a moment. Gathering some of her poor scattered wits, she managed to say, "Oh, Clark, please never say 'Kiwi' again!"
"But *where* are my boxers? How did I change? Did you help me change?" He was confused. The last thing he remembered was making Lois take off her jacket. Everything after that was a blur.
"No, honey, you did that all by yourself."
"What? What are you talking about?" he asked. Then his eyes focused on the large, slightly dirty, but otherwise empty spot in the corner of the room. "And *where* is the ficus?"
"You don't even want to know!" She pointed at the blazing fire.
"Are you serious? You burned it? Why? Did we run out of fire wood?"
"Clark, you were *eating* it, and *dancing* with it. I had to do something." Lois was relieved Clark was back to normal, but how was she supposed to explain the inexplicable?
He shook his head. "All I wanted was a quiet Valentine's Day night at home playing Strip Uno with my wife like a normal guy. Is that too much to ask for?"
"No, Clark, it's not." Her heart went out to him. She smiled at him, trying to make him feel better. "But Valentine's isn't over yet. We still have a few hours to . . . celebrate."
"Do you want to finish our game?"
"No, I think we should finish this upstairs, since it's already clear who lost." She gently reached out and tugged on his arm as she walked towards the stairs.
"But you said . . ." He looked down at his red briefs and said, "Never mind." He shook his head woefully. Maybe it was okay that he couldn't remember. He had a strange feeling that he just wouldn't want to know.
"I make the rules, Clark, and I say get naked!"
----------------------
Tricia, I hope this story made you smile.
-- Laura
