She didn't realize until much later that she'd unconsciously started to compare Charlie more and more to Clark and what she knew of Superman. The tendencies and the mannerisms slipped through with absolute clarity, more so every day that passed. His innate goodness, his sense of right and wrong, and his staggering compassion were all things that couldn't be mistaken. They were also traits embedded so deeply that no amount of memory loss could take them away.
He often talked about missing something and he wasn't really sure what it was. Mentioning a sense of obligation to help others around him in some way became an almost daily occurrence. Lois had even stood on the sidelines while he helped clean-up in the aftermath of a horrible storm that ripped up the East Coast. Several boats were overturned in the bay and oceanfront business sustained some damage. She watched in amazement as Charlie helped like only he could. No one else would have noticed his subtle use of strength here and there, but she had. And it was very clear that he used his super abilities subconsciously. She supposed he'd done it secretly for so long that hiding it came almost naturally. Yet another thing his mind processed without his memories.
With her, Charlie was the most amazing man in the world. He was gentle and patient and listened the way no one ever had. They talked openly about everything.
And she supposed that's where her longing to have Clark back came from.
She'd been with Charlie for nearly two months; time which afforded her the knowledge that she was with the true man. Life had changed paths for him and circumstances had shaped him differently than first intended. He wouldn't suddenly become shy and withdrawn, awkward if he regained his memories. This man, this Charlie King, was the real man. He was a combination of Clark Kent and Superman all rolled into one. He might have never been as open as he was now had he not became Charlie, but deep down he'd probably always harbored a desire to be. Charlie had simply been the outlet through which he'd discovered himself. Even if he didn't know it yet. And as great as he was, Lois began to long for her partner, her best friend, the one that knew her completely. They had a past together and though that past was riddled with painful debris, she wanted to finally hold her lover and know that he was once again whole.
The time she'd been away from Metropolis had begun to bother her as well. She missed the pace of the city, her family, and Perry. The column she and her editor had experimented with was a huge success so income had not been a problem.
She was just ready to go home.
She also carried a fair amount of guilt around for the way she'd started to treat the Kents. In the aftermath of her wedding and Clark's disappearance, Martha and Jonathan had played an important role in her life. They'd been the ones she'd leaned on when she felt she would die of pain and loss. And they, too, had unburdened themselves to her. The trio were the only ones in the world that knew the true extent of one another's suffering. They had been the only ones to truly know Clark. Since Lois had been with Charlie, she'd emailed them weekly, but couldn't bring herself to call them. In the beginning she hadn't wanted to tell them that she'd met another man. Because that's who Charlie had been back then. As it became more apparent that he was still the mild mannered farmer's son he'd always be, Lois couldn't imagine talking to the Kents and not revealing that their son was still alive. Not telling them made her feel horrible because she'd been witness to their pain when he'd disappeared. Without realizing it, her love for Charlie and desire *not* to lose him again was quickly working to do just that.
++++
Lois' changing attitude was not lost on Charlie. He'd noticed the subtle changes. She gave him wistful looks when she thought he wasn't looking. She sighed more when she sat alone on the porch. Her smile seemed forced at times and she often appeared as lost as a child away from its mother. His heart ached to help, but he wasn't sure how. She always assured him that with him was where she wanted to be. But more and more he became convinced that with him in Mystic was not the place.
And Charlie was dealing with his own demons. When they'd discovered that Lois hadn't become pregnant from their night of unprotected lovemaking, he realized that his sense of loss was more profound than he'd expected. He slowly realized that it wasn't all from them not creating a baby together. It ran deeper, much deeper. However, as much as he tried to reach into the depths of his mind, he couldn't figure out why that was.
His dreams began to include images of things he was unfamiliar with; people he didn't know. Slowly he also began to feel a call for change. Change to what he wasn't sure, but it called strongly. As much as he would have loved to remain tucked away in their little cabin alone, Charlie knew Lois would never survive there. And he slowly began to realize that he wouldn't either. As ideal as their life together was, as perfect as living there together had been, he had slowly come to feel he was supposed to be doing something more. Something important. He felt that he was needed. And he didn’t know why...
A force much stronger than him called out that he remember, that he make a change.
Maybe that call is what led him into town one afternoon alone. He found himself standing in the middle of Thompson's Bookstore in Center City. He scanned the titles until he found the one he'd come in to find. 'Shades of Gray' by Lois Lane. Why he'd never felt compelled to seek out and read her novel before now he'd never know. They'd been together for two months and he had never even asked the title. He quickly made his purchase and headed for a secluded table in the open cafe area.
'This book is dedicated to Clark Kent. He was my partner, my best friend, my soul mate.' Charlie read part of the dedication, but paused on the last words. Soul mate? Clark Kent had been her soul mate? She'd told him on more than one occasion that *he* was her soul mate. He wasn't sure of a lot of things, but he was fairly certain one didn't have many soul mates in a lifetime. Had she been lying to him all this time? His curiosity got the best of him and he read on.
'Love and loss are two emotions that are closely linked and when you think you have one, the other consumes you. For all the things I should have known, should have seen, and all I lost, I give back in prose. Forgive me, my dear Clark, and know that I truly loved you.'
No surprise there. She'd told him she loved Clark and he'd accepted that. Clark was her past, he was her future.
Charlie opened the book slowly and started to read. He read at normal human pace for a bit, then gradually began to read faster. Not wanting to attract too much attention, the pace was far from super, super speed, but he finished the book in less than twenty minutes. As he read, things began to fall into place.
Slowly, painfully, each and every memory slipped back with resounding clarity.
Lois had recreated her life.. with her partner... with Lex Luthor, a name that cut through him like a sharp knife all at once, and even with Superman.
Of course, Superman was described as an unassuming celebrity who wasn't comfortable in the spotlight, choosing instead to use his power and influence to help others less fortunate. She depicted her time with Luthor, allowing you to feel every emotion and thought along the way.
She'd done the same with her partner.
Every agonizing detail was there.
He closed the book with a smack, gasping for air as tears threatened to spill from his eyes.
He was Clark Kent... and Superman.
He'd left Metropolis when Lois rejected him for an evil, manipulating monster.
And he'd been presumed dead by everyone he knew and loved.
His eyes searched frantically around him; for some reason he suddenly felt very different and he wondered if he looked it, too-- if anyone around him would notice. But no one seemed to notice his plight as they continued on with their day.
"Oh, God!" His chest rose and fell heavily as he dropped his head back and closed his eyes.
He remembered! He had a life, a real life. He had friends and parents! His eyes snapped open as he thought about the pain those two people must have felt, must still be feeling. His folks weren't dead.
They were alive and mourning the loss of their son.
Everything he hadn't known made perfect sense now. He knew why he could do amazing things-- he was Superman. That's why he felt a sense of responsibility to help others. That's why he garnered so much pleasure from it. That's why he didn't own a television or radio. His subconscious had suppressed that part of himself so that he had time to heal from his wounds.
His wounds... Those wounds had been caused by the love of a certain woman. A woman that had spent the last two months with him the way he'd always dreamed she would.
Shooting to his feet, confusion and anger warred within him. He glanced down at her book angrily. She'd written that she'd loved him. She said that now. But was that true? How could she have ever loved him and treated him the way she had? And now? Wasn't it Charlie King she loved?
Did she even realize who he really was?
She had to. Lois *had* to know he was Clark. There was too much evidence for her not to know. She'd known he could do super things, had encouraged him to do so. She'd comforted him when he spoke of his fears culminating from his abilities. As he thought about it, he could name incident after incident where she'd seemed way too comfortable with him to be a stranger. Heck, he'd wondered time and time again if she was someone from his past.
But why would she not tell him who he was?
<<Sure, Charlie, what would she say? 'Oh, hi. I'm Lois, from your past and you're really Clark Kent, aka Superman.'>> He would have thought her crazy. And he would have run like hell!
There was so many things she could have done, so many things she could have said. She hadn't though. She'd pretended she didn't know him at all.
Again, he glanced at the book in his hands.
She hadn't known him, his conscience pointed out. That theme was written throughout her novel. Was keeping what she knew from him her way of getting to know him?
Or was she simply trying to ease her guilty conscience?
No, he automatically countered. He'd be blind not to have seen that Lois was a very different person now. It really seemed she'd learned valuable lessons from her mistakes. But she'd made more. She'd been dishonest with him. She'd declared her love for him, made love to him countless times all while letting him believe he was someone he wasn't.
<<Funny how the shoe was on the other foot now, huh?>>
He dropped back to his seat and stared at the book in his hands. For over a year he'd worked with Lois, befriended her under false pretenses. Was what she'd done much different than what he'd done?
<<She's tried to guide you, show you.>>
He wished the annoying little voice in his head would just shut the hell up! He remembered now. Everything! He knew what had happened the last two months... And he knew perfectly well what Lois had done!
A rough hand was forced through his hair as his thoughts rolled around inside his head. He was more confused than he'd ever been. No memory was nothing compared to no answers and tons of questions. The only one he wanted answered for sure was if Lois really loved him? *Him*? Not Charlie King, not Clark Kent, not Superman, but all of him.
Because now he was all three.
Charlie King had given him the outlet to become his true self and he had to admit that he really liked that man. He liked speaking his mind, especially with Lois. He liked not being awkward and feeling inadequate about who he was. And he liked using his super powers.
<<I can fly!>>
He leapt to his feet again and ran toward the cabin. Once he was deep inside the woods, he shot straight up so fast he was almost invisible. He didn't stop until he hovered just below the stars.
<<Just like riding a bike>>, he thought as he looked around in awe, as if witnessing such a spectacle for the very first time. This, he'd missed this almost as much as he'd missed Lois. Of course, he hadn't really known what it was he was missing until now.
Lois... he really was hopelessly and completely in love with her. And as much as he tried to counter otherwise, she was in love with him. Those kinds of feelings couldn't be faked. He could see her love for him in her eyes when she looked at him. He could feel it in her body when they made love. But why had she not told him who she was? Maybe he could understand her reluctance at first . In fact, who would understand it more than he would-- after all, he'd hid a secret from her for a year.
But after... after they'd gotten to know one another. Last month, last week, yesterday; she could have told him then.
Why would she remain quiet now? Was she hoping he'd remember on his own? Or did she prefer Charlie King to Clark Kent?
He looked down at her book again. She'd been through so much that he'd never known about. Even before the Luthor fiasco, Lois had suffered from feelings of inadequacy and loss. She'd been hurt by her parents, by her friends, past lovers. No wonder she'd been so well guarded of her feelings. Still...
Slowly he opened the pages and began to read the words within again. He'd just stay hidden high above the clouds and try to make sense of all he'd learned today.
++++
Clark whistled softly as he walked up onto the porch of his and Lois' little cabin. He'd stopped thinking of it in terms of just his long ago. Lois turned from her computer when he stepped inside and offered him a beautiful smile.
<<Damn! She takes my breath away!>>
He couldn't fight it.
There was no use telling himself that what she'd done was reason enough not to love her. No, he didn't understand everything she'd done. He didn't know why she kept his identity a secret. What he did know was that she was here with him and for once in his life, he felt like an ordinary man. Quirks and all, Charlie made him feel everything he'd always longed to feel. He'd made the decision while he'd hovered above the clouds that he'd just remain quiet for a bit longer about what he'd learned. Lois had started to act a little differently and if his guess was right, she was about to confess any day. When the shoe had switched feet, so had the socks, he thought ruefully. He'd wait for her to tell him *her* secret this time.
"Hey, baby," he told her with a broad grin, slipping back into Charlie King more easily than he’d imagined he could. "I brought some shrimp and crab legs. I thought we'd have dinner, then maybe we could build a fire and talk for a while."
"Sounds good," Lois returned as she got up to greet him with a kiss.
"Mmm... maybe we could just do that for a while," he said playfully.
"Maybe." She kissed him again, then drew away. "Charlie?"
"Yeah?" There was something in her tone, and he wondered for an instant if she knew. If she could see the difference. He'd moved swiftly into the kitchen to unpack the bags in his hands and didn't stop what he was doing to look at her.
"I've finished my book."
He froze then. Was this where she told him she was going back to Metropolis? Alone? He slowly faced her, all signs of a smile gone from his face.
She paced back and forth in the small archway, wringing her hands, obviously distressed as well. Finally she stopped and faced him. "I need to go back."
He took a deep breath, glanced away, then pierced her with his gaze. "And us? What happens to us?"
"I'd like for you to come with me," she told him firmly. "We don't have to stay indefinitely. I can get my book squared away and the rest of my affairs and we can come back here."
He sighed heavily as he looked at her. She was willing to give up her life for him. Or was she taking a chance he'd remember his in Metropolis? "Lois, you wouldn't be happy here forever."
She didn't deny that statement, just looked away. "I can't lose you... not again," she added in a whisper.
He didn't think she'd meant for him to hear that last bit, but he had. His heart swelled with love. She *really* did love him. What he'd seen in her so long ago was there. Compassion and trust and... yes, love.
Clark had seen it very early on during those first days at the Planet. And he'd glimpsed it several times over the months they'd worked together. And looking at her now, especially in light of the book she'd poured her heart into, everything he'd suspected and hoped for was so clear to him. Even if she'd fought it, refused to believe it; it had been there, hiding in the depths just waiting to be released. And she had finally released it with him. Suddenly nothing else mattered but this woman and keeping her close to his heart.
Clark stepped forward and grasped her arms so she faced him. "Marry me, Lois. Don't think about it or question it. Let's just do it. Then we'll go to Metropolis and begin another walk together."
"Charlie..." she breathed, more tears forming in her eyes.
"Look at me, baby. It's me. Just me. Don't let go of my hand."
She stared at him for a long moment before she whispered, "Yes."
Charlie grasped either side of her face before he kissed her slowly, passionately. When she moaned softly, he broke their kiss and lifted her in his arms. Without stopping, he carried her to their bed and gently placed her on the mattress. Clothes were removed in steely determination before they settled together. Gazing deeply into her eyes, Clark Kent finally made love to Lois Lane.
Reverently, passionately, completely.
And in those precious moments together, it was his name, Clark’s name, that escaped from her lips. He had stilled, but she hadn’t. Not even realizing she had said it. What should have been the ultimate insult, another man’s name called out in the throes of passion, was his ultimate blessing. It was exactly what he had needed to hear. Lois Lane was making love to Clark Kent, and even if she didn’t fully realize it, yet, there was a part of her that did-- a part that couldn't deny it any longer.
