This is a response to Hatman's "Kill Lex" challenge. Writing this was...interesting. I'm currently in a performance of 'Tosca' as a choirboy (don't ask) and I asked the other girls in the dressing room if they new a flamboyant way of killing someone. No one could give me an answer, but they all moved six feet away from me.
Anyway, enjoy.
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Lois slowly marched down the aisle. She shouldn’t be doing this; she realized that now. She didn’t love Lex; she loved Clark! Why did it take her so long to admit it to herself? She loved Clark more than words could say, and she would tell him that, as soon as she got the chance.
The priest addressed her. “Do you, Lois Lane, take this man to be your lawfully wedded significant other, to have and to hold, to love and obey, for better or worse, for richer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death or divorce do you part?”
This was it, the moment of truth. Lois looked from Lex to the priest. “I---I---I---”
‘I do’ Lex mouthed at her.
Lois swallowed. “I can’t!” The crowd gasped in horror. Lex scowled. “I’m sorry, Lex; I just can’t. I don’t love you!”
The crowd began to murmur. Lex regained his composure and motioned for the crowd to be quiet. “My bride just has cold feet.”
“Lex---”
“Give me a minute to talk to her, and I’m sure she’ll be just fine.”
“But Lex---”
“Come with me, Lois.” He grabbed her by the arm, and as he led her out of the room, he whispered in her ear, “I have something to show you that I think you’ll find very interesting.”
They were gone for what seemed like a long time. When they came back, Lois was visibly shaking, and her face had turned whiter than her gown. Lex, on the other hand, seemed very smug.
Lex escorted Lois back to the altar. “Proceed, Father.”
*****
After Lex dismissed the bellhop, he turned to Lois with a lascivious grin. “Well, my dear? Shall we start ‘celebrating’ our marriage?”
Lois flinched at his words. The very thought of being with this--this MONSTER repulsed her!
“Lex, we’re married. I’m stuck with you for the rest of either my life, yours, or Superman’s, whichever ends first. Do we really have to rush this?”
Lex chuckled and patted her on the cheek. “Very well, I’ll let you have a few last moments to yourself. You can make yourself more comfortable while I’m preparing in the bathroom.” He gave her a long leer before disappearing into the washroom.
Lois sat down on the foot of the bed and cried. Why was she so stupid? Why didn’t she listen to all those warnings Clark had given her about Lex? Her cell phone started to ring. She snatched it up, hoping that a conversation would somehow buy her some more time before the inevitable.
“Hi, Lois La---Luthor.”
“Lois? It’s Jimmy.”
Jimmy! “What do you want?”
He sounded very upset. “Lois, I’m here with Inspector Henderson and his guys. We stormed the chapel, but they told us you’d already gotten married! Lois, you don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into!”
“I think I do.”
“No, Lois, you don’t have a clue! They’re looking for Luthor; they’ve got about a gazillion charges against him, including what happened at the Planet!”
Lois’ jaw dropped.
“And that’s not all; while they were searching the place, they found this secret basement…” Jimmy started to choke up.
“Jimmy?”
“Lois, brace yourself. The found a cage made out of this glowing green stuff---I think it’s that ‘Kryptonite’ you and CK wrote about---and---well---Superman was inside it and----”
‘And’? That ‘and’ didn’t sound good… “What is it, Jimmy?”
There was a pause, and then: “He’s dead, Lois.”
Lois dropped the phone, which clattered to the floor. Dead. Superman---her hero---the only man she thought she could love as much as she did Clark---was dead!
The bathroom door swung open and Lex emerged, clad in a royal-blue dressing gown. He looked at her and smiled. “Time’s up!”
Lois glared at him. “For YOU it is!” Lois rose and grabbed a nearby lamp.
Lex’s eyes widened. “Lois? What are you doing? Put that lamp down this instant! Lois?”
Lois swung at him with the lamp. Lex backed away. “Security!” he yelled, but no one answered. Lois took another swing. They were directly in front of the window, now, which had conveniently been left open. Lex took another step back, lost his balance, and toppled from the tenth-story window.
Directly below, a computer-controlled truck pulling a tank of live piranhas was slowly driving along. Lex landed in the tank with a huge splash! The sudden addition to the load’s weight, of course, caused the truck to lose its balance, and before the automatic driver could compensate for the changes, the truck turned over and burst into flames. The tank, naturally, also tipped over, spilling gallons of water, fish, and a half-eaten Lex.
Coincidentally, at a nearby construction site, the driver of the steamroller passed out. The steamroller went out of control and rolled out onto the main road, where it flattened Luthor’s remains.
Lois looked down, still holding the lamp. “Well. THAT was bizarre!”
Suddenly, a rock near Lex’s flattened, eaten, and incinerated body was mysteriously pushed aside, and several tiny people approximately six inches in height emerged from under it. They were clad in antique clothing, reminiscent of the 16th or 17th century, with tiny gold buckles on their hats, belts, and shoes. They ran up to the scene of the disaster and immediately started dancing on Lex’s remains.
*****
Lois sat up and turned on the light.
Realizing his wife was awake, Clark stirred and opened his eyes. “Honey, what is it?”
“Honey, remember that list we started after the incident with Ralph’s Pagoda?”
“Yeah?”
“Write down ‘Billy-Bob’s Italian Eats’.”
Clark reached for the list on the nightstand and a pen while Lois got up and ran for the bathroom.
