Last time
He kissed her with hungry passion. He wasn’t holding back anything anymore – he was giving her the full blast of his feelings for her – both emotional and physical, trusting in her to not be frightened by her own feelings of fear… and trusting that she would share with him if it got to be too much. One kiss led to another, and then another, and it seemed as if they couldn’t get close enough to each other. Her hands wove wildly through his hair as she sought to intensify the already intense contact between them.
She gasped against his mouth as she felt the ground leave her feet. He had effortlessly slipped an arm from around her waist so that he was able to scoop her into his arms. He continued to kiss her in that same devastatingly passionate way as he walked towards his bedroom.
We’re skipping the couch entirely! Her mind raced as she processed this bit of information. It’s not like he didn’t say that this is what he had in mind! Should I be scared – should I ask him to slow down – oh … god… when he does that with his mouth… I can’t even… think… straight.
And now...
He felt the trembling of her body in his arms, and he knew that this had to be hard for her. He knew he was driving her crazy with need, and yet he also knew that this sudden change in the status quo was bound to make her nervous.
He kept the kiss going, all the while mindful of any indication at all that she wanted him to stop, and he carried her into his room, shouldering the door closed behind him.
She heard that click, and registered the darkness of his room, and she felt fear suddenly take its cold harsh hand and squeeze the air from her lungs. Her heart did its part by increasing its rate of beats per second, and she froze, trying to figure out what her next step should be. Her response to his kiss became passive.
He felt that change. She was more scared now than anything else. He could feel it in the stiffness of her body and the beating of her heart. Even her breathing gave her away. An angry thought skittered through his mind. God… this used to turn him on. Scaring her… hurting her… used to turn him on! He imagined for a moment what that had to have been like from Kal’s perspective. Walking into his room – and seeing her there, waiting for him, utterly terrified, but too cowed by previous encounters to ever beg for mercy. His arms tightened around her as the thought angered him, and she gasped a little.
He lifted his head, and gazed down at her with eyes filled with emotion she couldn’t even fathom.
“Oh god! I – I’m sorry! Did I just hurt you?”
“Things just… just got a little uncomfortable for a second,” she confessed back, her voice trembling now with nervousness and need.
“I… I was thinking… about him. I’m sorry. I – I won’t ever let that happen again. I promise. I'm - I'm sorry!"
“Him?” She had to ask, even though she knew what he meant.
“Kal.” He whispered the name, not wanting to say it out loud –to give it power over them.
“Me too,” she whispered back, and his heart broke.
“You okay?” His voice was very gentle and filled with loving tenderness.
She nodded jerkily. “Yeah. I’m… I – I – I’m fine.”
“I love you. I love you so much. It’s overpowering. “
“I love you too – desperately and too distraction,” she laughed, self mockingly. “I am a wreck at work these days… you’re always on my mind.”
”I … I… “ He couldn’t speak, lost for a moment in the pure intensity of what he was feeling. I won’t hurt you. Not ever. I won’t ever leave you like Sam did. I won’t betray you like Claude did . I won’t ever take without giving, or take without permission. I won’t ever be him… that horrible bastard… Lord Kal. I won’t ever make you feel like you’re nothing.
“I‘m scared,” she said in a small voice, the admission torn out of her reluctantly.
“I know,” he whispered back just before he kissed her again with a consuming passion. He moved towards the bed, and as he did so, she felt alarm radiating from the center of her chest. She wanted this, but she didn’t, and she felt like she wasn’t exactly in control of the situation. He was definitely showing her a more assertive side of himself – and she wasn’t sure if she should be thrilled or worried. But he won’t hurt me. I know that for a fact. So why not just give in to it – these feelings – even the fear… just ride the wave, and see where it takes us? Because when he kisses me like that… oh… like that… Pleasure mixed with the alarm that was coursing through her, making it impossible for her to even think coherently.
He lifted his head again, and looked deeply into her eyes.
“I know you’re scared,” he said, his voice quiet and careful. “It’s just me, here… and I’m not going to hurt you. Also… remember… not before we’re married, right?”
She nodded, her heart still squeezed desperately by the hand of fear.
“We can stop this right now,” he said, not making a move to put her down. “You can stop this at any time.”
She nodded. “I know. I know. I – I don’t want to stop this. Not.. not yet.”
Hearing those words, he placed her on her feet near the bed.
“I’m glad,” he said, kissing her lightly. “Because I really didn’t want to stop yet either.”
“But you would have,” she said. It was a simple statement. “You would have, and you wouldn’t have made me feel badly about it.”
“Yes.”
“Wow… I’ve never known anyone like you.”
“Same here.”
“So… what… what do we do now?”
He smiled at her. “You’re wearing too many clothes,” he said. “What you’re wearing ought to be illegal anyway- but … I’d suggest… less …”
“Oh,” she gasped. “Yeah. It… it might be less than comfortable to –uh – lie down in this. I … I’ll – I’ll just go … uh… I’ll just go into the bathroom over there… “
He nodded compliance, and she self-consciously made her way into the bathroom.
She was in there a long time, or so it seemed to her own frazzled nerves. Part of her was jumpy, feeling that surely if she took too long, he would come and retrieve her. No. He wouldn’t. He may be more assertive than usual, but he’s not going to suddenly become aggressive. He’s showing me the side of him that he’s kept in check because he knows I don’t want him to do that anymore.
She took off her dress, wondering how he would like the very sexy chemise underneath. She had worn it specifically to be seen. By him, but now – in the cold light of reality, she wondered if it was too much. No. It’s perfect. Stop worrying about it! No guts, no glory!. She stood by the door, her hand on the knob for a few long moments, and then, decisively turned the knob and stepped out from her safety-zone.
The bedroom was empty, and she looked around, perplexed. A hastily scrawled note lay on the bed.
Emergency! I had to go! I’ll be back as soon as I can! I love you. – Clark.
She shut her eyes. Of course… he was Superman. People needed Superman.
She heard the familiar whooshing sound and she whirled around to see Superman striding into his bedroom.
The air left her lungs as surely as if she had been hit hard in the mid-section.
He looks so much like Lord Kal. God help me… this is Kal-El. It’s his name, and he would have been Lord Kal if his world hadn’t blown up!
Immediately she felt her fear reaction setting in. She was pale, and shaking, and she took a few hasty steps backward. Control yourself, girl! He’s not… he won’t hurt you. He’s Clark. Not Kal. Her current state of dress made her suddenly feel like a concubine again – a slave – waiting for her master to come in and have his way with her. No! I’m his equal. We’re equal partners. This isn’t anything like it was there!
He saw her blind panic, and cursed himself mentally. Abruptly, he stopped his forward movement. How could I have failed to remember?
“I’m sorry,” he said hastily. “I’ll change… I – “
“No,” she said softly. “Don’t… just… hold me… okay?”
She edged closer, challenging her fears of him like this. She had gotten pretty good around him as Superman, but this particular situation – of her barely dressed, and him dressed in such a blatantly alien way – scared her to her bones because it reminded her of her dark days of captivity. But she needed to rewrite her responses, and there was no better time than the present.
He saw her take faltering steps towards him, and he drew her close as soon as she came into arms length. He held her close, but there was no sensuality in this hold. He just wanted to give her the reassurances she needed.
After a long moment, she felt herself regaining some of her poise. Fear remained, but it was not over-powering as it had been when she saw him come in.
“How… how does this suit come off,” she asked him, her voice deliberately low and sexy. “I have no idea.”
He laughed. “I’ll do it – I – “
“Maybe you could do it slowly,” she teased him. “Like a stripper?”
“Lois…” His voice held playful warning.
“You could make a fortune doing that for a living, you know…”
“I could say the same,” he teased her back.
“So what comes off first…”
She watched, transfixed as he slowly disrobed for her. He couldn’t bring himself to make it really a strip-tease, but he did light up inside at the look of pure enjoyment on her face. To see him do this was hopefully making superman less intimidating a figure for her. In fact, he doubted very much that she would ever be able to see him as superman again without remembering this particular sight.
Soon, he was fully divested of the suit, only wearing one small article of clothing.
“That’s it,” she asked? “No … uh… full… ?“
“Lois,” he said teasingly, “you show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.”
She blushed fiercely at his sensual rebuttal. “Uh… maybe… maybe… maybe… later… okay?”
He came over and put his arms around her, and she gasped at the skin on skin contact. She could even feel that part of him that was hidden from her gaze, but the fact that there were barriers of clothing still between them gave her a sense of safety that she hadn’t had that morning. As if clothing is really a barrier She scoffed at her own ridiculous false sense of security over the clothing issue. He was so strong – he could rip their clothing away with negative effort. He could do that. But he wouldn't. Not unless I asked him. And - maybe someday - I will.
He bent his head, and gave her a languorous, slow, passionate kiss – his tongue daringly dueling with hers, not holding anything back. As he did so, she felt him harden even further against her, and she fought back the panic.
His lips traveled down her jaw, stopped at her neck, and then, he lifted his head. “Bed…?”
She swallowed hard, and nodded, unable now to speak.
He scooped her up in his arms once again, and placed her on the bed.
“I could have done that myself,” her voice was a low whisper.
“I know. Do you know why I did it for you?”
“Wha-why?”
He sat down on the bed next to where she lay, looking up at him.
“Because… it’s kind of a control thing. By carrying you, it appears that I’ve taken control. And I want you to feel that – that out-of-control feeling … with me… because you felt it with him. Only with me – you know that you really have all the control. Just one word, or one telepathic message that says ‘stop!’ and we stop. That’s why I’ve been acting a little… uh… “ He paused as he searched for the right word.
“Masterful,” she said, giving him a smile that nearly made all vows of control run in panic from the room.
“Is that what I’ve been,” he asked, his brows furrowing in sudden alarm. “Because – that sounds too much like – “
“No. Masterful can be very sexy. Very sexy. Don’t get me wrong. It’s scary too. But since I do know you’d never force the issue, then – yeah – it’s sexy. It’s exciting and thrilling. And – I’m glad you’re showing me that… side of you.”
Her words were all the reassurance he needed, and he shifted so that he was swinging his legs onto the bed. He lay next to her, and raising up on an elbow, drank in the sight of her body.
“Do… do… you- uh… approve?” She was nervous suddenly, well aware of her flaws in beauty.
“Oh, yeah…” his voice was a slow and seductive drawl. She knew he was pleased.
He furthered the impact of his words by giving her a deep and drugging kiss.
After a long moment, they broke apart slightly. They were quiet for a long moment, and then, he broke the silence.
“How are you doing,” he asked gently, as he traced her face lovingly with his hand.
She smiled uncertainly. “So far… so good,” she said, a sheepish smile on her face.
“But you’re worried,” he asked perceptively as he saw the fear in her eyes.
“I’m just scared of … unwanted memories. You know?”
“I know. I am too. I don’t want you to ever have to relive that place.”
“I wish I had some kind of control over it – but I don’t. It’s… it’s just – it’s something we have to live with.”
“We,” he said, with a smile. “I like that. We.”
She smiled back. “From now on – it’s … everything is our problem. Not mine. Not yours. Ours. And I like that too. It makes everything seem more manageable somehow.”
“I never thought I would even have that in my life.” His voice held a note of wonder as he realized how different his life was now, in comparison to a year ago. Two years ago.
“Neither did I. This is new to me too,” she said softly.
“I take it… no flashbacks or memories yet?”
“Oh. If I were having a flashback – you’d know… trust me.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I would.”
“Just promise me you won’t get upset if I suddenly treat you like –you’re him. I … I – It could happen – I could… suddenly revert – and – I – I never mean to hurt you or anything. If I start to – freak out – okay?“
He winced at the idea. “I can’t promise that. Because it’s upsetting to see you hurting. When you woke up that day…” he trailed off as he shuddered at the memory. “It was awful! But I can promise that I won’t be upset with you… only… for you. And… I promise that I won’t start distancing myself as a result of it. You won’t ever lose me because of it.”
“You won’t decide that I’m better off without you? Or you’re better off without me?”
“I promise. I won’t ever decide that for us.”
“Care to seal promise with a kiss?” Her smile was seductive and inviting.
“Oh. A kiss? That’ll do the trick?”
“Well – for starters.” She felt her heartbeat increase in it’s rate at the very thought of kissing him again, and about where it would lead. Excitement and worry swirled together in a heady and dizzying combination. On the precipice again. I can’t get away from that… worry. That fear. It’s just – why does he sometimes look so much like Lord Kal? He doesn’t always… it’s all mixed up.
“Your wish…” he murmured, as he leaned in closer with a gleam of intent in his eyes, “is my command.” As he said those last words, he gave her another devastating kiss. His lips moved over hers slowly, deliberately, seductively, and she responded in kind, losing grip on that tiny thread of worry as his kisses made her forget everything but the sheer pleasure of touching him like that.
He wrapped loving arms around her, and pulled her close, and she felt like she never wanted to be anywhere else but right here, where she was, with him, like that.
I’m yours. I’ve always been yours. Never let me go.
