The story so far...
"Lois, can we talk?" Clark asked, nervously fiddling with his remote. "I need you to try not to get mad. I want to tell you that Perry has decided to partner us for the story on the polygamous religious cult."
"Polygamous religious cult?" Lois exclaimed."What kind of person would... "
"Look, we're engaged for Elvis' sake!"
"But we'd need another spouse"
"Ralph, I'd quit while ahead!!!" Jimmy snapped at Ralph who grunted and turned away hastily.
"How about Cat?" suggested Clark.
"No," Lois snapped. "No way."
Jimmy and Ralph looked at each other competitively. "what about me!" they both shouted simultaneously.
Lois gave Ralph a disgusting snort, dragging Jimmy over to Clark.
"Jimmy's.... well... Jimmy. Do you think he'll do?" she asked.
"I'll do fine." Jimmy winked at Clark. "Besides," he said, "I look good in skirts."
"Elvis wore skirts for charity once" Perry said, as he entered the room with his top lead. "Explosion on Clinton Street!"
"What? Clinton street?" Lois rushed, "No! My fish! My novel!"
"Relax, it's a long street," Clark called out, running behind her.
"You're living at Clark's?" Ralph's suspicious voice followed as they rushed out of the newsroom.
"Lois, honey! Wait!" Clark exclaimed, racing after his little tornado. Their friends were left wondering who's gonna be the lucky third wheel.
Jimmy fervently wished that he hadn't mentioned skirts, however comfortable they may be, because Perry was eyeing him strangely, and humming.
Lois ran all the way between the elevator and the jeep. Clark caught up with her and scooped her up in his arms and opened the door to the supply closet.
"Clark, now is not the--" She gasped when she saw his face sway towards hers.
"Now is especially the time!" Clark interjected, placing a kiss on her lips. "If you want Jimmy in this, we have room. I'll move cartons out of this supply closet."
"Shut-up and Kiss me, Lunk-head!"
"Lois? CK?" They heard Jimmy gasp outside the closet door. "I'm in this too, remember?"
"I'm not kissing Jimmy!" Clark said wryly between kisses. "You're the one who suggested him!"
"Oops, my bad," muttered Perry.
Lois went red like a tomato as Perry opened the door.
"Ummm... Perry! We're just discussing..."
Jimmy stopped unbuttoning his shirt. "Rats. My big opportunity wasted!" He froze. "Hey...This closet has a bomb in it!"
"Quick, everybody out!" Clark screamed pushing everyone out except Lois, after sitting on the bomb.
'Pop!' The bomb went out.
"Great shades of Elvis!" gasped Perry.
"How's the seat of your pants?" Lois asked, winking.
"It was just a cracker, wasn't it, son?" Perry asked.
"Well, i guess the truth is that Lois' rumaki always gives me... umm... stomach upset."
"So who could be behind this?" Perry was not fooled.
Lois and Clark pointed at the bomb fragments. "Call Henderson!"
At Perry and Jimmy's astonished expressions, Henderson suddenly burst in.
"Are you *Superman* or telepathic?"
"Neither. Someone phoned-in a tip that you are behind this!"
"Me?" Lois asked, outraged, "How did they find out I'd stored crackers in this closet?"
"Your apartment told us. Firemen rescuing your fish discovered that there were traces of radioactive materials in your kitchen."
Clark smirked, "Have you ever tried Lois' cooking?"
Jimmy stifled a laugh. "Lois' cooking gives CK collywobbles!"
Lois ignored him. "Henderson, are my fish safe? Plants?"
"Yes, but aren't you interested in knowing what we found earlier?"
"Enlighten me," snapped Lois.
"We found this!" Henderson showed Lois a dead cockroach glowing a sickly shade of green.
Clark immediately started coughing and doubled over. "It's my asthma," he tried to cover. Lois helped Clark into a chair. "Cockroach," Clark whispered to Lois.
"'Cockroach'!? What happened to 'Tornado'?"
"Not you, nitwit! Henderson is holding a kryptonite-infested roach he discovered in your kitchen!"
"Crap," thought Lois. "My secret stash to use in an emergency."
Henderson looked at her quizzically, debating whether to speak when the green cockroach turned red.
"Good thing my apartment exploded!"
"What?!" Four astonished faces turned toward the cockroach, who had suddenly spread its green wings.
"It's alive again?! Neat trick!"
Suddenly, Lois grabbed the critter and thrust it into Clark's pants pocket.
"What the hell Lois! I had no idea that you were so against me!" Clark wailed clutching his groin.
"What about children? Utopia??"
"Tempus made it sound boring, so I thought I'd just..."
"What?? Nuke my little swimmers?!"
"Lois! Clark! Stop this!" Perry commanded, pulling off Clark's trousers.
"What's with the spandex, CK?" asked Jimmy, eyeing Clark's legs.
"They're just my new longjohns."
"Your legs look like Superman's."
"Well, I've borrowed these from Superman to see if it is true that clothes make the man."
Lois rolled her eyes and snorted, "Nitwit!"
Clark wondered at everyone's galactic stupidity. Surely they weren't buying this garbage he was peddling?
"I wanna get outta here," he groaned, reaching for his trousers.
Forgetting Krypto-Cockroach in the pocket, he suddenly turned rainbow-colored and gasped, "No! My tie clashes with this opening transdimensional portal the cockroach has opened in the wall behind us! Help!"
"No getting out of this!" Perry asked, "What do you think is happening? Elvis never did this with Priscilla!"
"Hey!!!" Perry exclaimed as the cockroach hurtled towards the offending neckwear. The cockroach was a scary and Lois screamed as it passed in a psychedelic blur. It started chewing Clark's tie, then began choking on it. The brown chocolaty part of the tie was devoured by the creature.
"Noooo! Not coffee!!" it cried. "I wanted chocolate!"
"There you are!" exclaimed a familiar figure, exiting the portal.
It was Superman!
Clark's eyes bulged.
"Gotcha!" laughed the newcomer, as the bug super-sped towards him.
"What the Sam Hill is happening here? Superman, why are you wearing rainbow stockings? Why Clark's wearing your spandex?"
"I am Rainbow Cockroach Man!" he said, "Not Superman."
Clark gasped. "Are you from Cockroach-Utopia?"
"No! I'm Superman's descendant," he said. "I'm Clark Tempus Roach!"
"Don't forget me!" whined the cockroach, nuzzling up against Rainbow Man's cheek.
"Descendant?" stammered Clark. "You mean I'm... Papa Roach?"
"He said Superman's descendant, Clark, not yours," Jimmy pointed out.
"Er, right, of course," mumbled Clark, now recalling some mushrooms laden with Red K that Mayson put on his burger.
"Mr. *Clark*Roach? Sounds like CockRoach!"
"My parents were cruel," shrugged Clark, gritting his teeth at his namesake sitting before him.
"Why's your middle name... 'Tempus'?"
"Because Tempus is my father."
"Is Tempus... Superman's descendant too?"
"If I answered that then disruption of the Space-Time Continuum would spread throughout all of my groin affecting all subsequent descendants of mine, and Utopia would have fewer tv channels.
"My grandmother was a Murdoch... her father was named Rupert. His ex-wife's half-brother's second cousin is known as Fox! But that's really besides the point.
So let's get back to the portal and the cockroach and I'll bid you farewell."
Suddenly a stewardess-like person appeared.
"Chicken or beef?" she said, spraying kryptonite dust everywhere.
"Not the pink variety!" Rainbow (the waitress) had a malicious purpose: making Superman fall in Lois' collywobble cooking.
He gasped! "Not the meatloaf!" and fainted into the rumaki, where he suffered multiple toothpick-induced puncture wounds.
"Yum! Lobster Bisque!" Ralph cried. "I love sea-cockroach-entrails-floating-in-liquid! So crunchy!"
"Yuck! No wonder she's mad!"
"Who's mad? I'm confused!" moaned Superman, pulling skewers from his tushie.
"I need to solve..." gasped the dying superman.
"Dead!" exclaimed Perry, checking his pulse. "Where's - oops, I've stepped on- !" (Squissssh-crrrrunnnch!!!)
"Perry, let me!" Lois offered.
"Chicken or beef," Rainbow stewardess repeated, "Or tenderised cockroach?"
"We need to escape through the- "
"Hey, there's a White Rabbit!" interrupted Jimmy, peering into the abyss. "what's tempus doing kissing my tushie? Follow the rabbit!"
"Clark fly after the rabbit!"
"Fly??? Who am I, Superman?"
"Haven't you heard 'Gotta fly'?"
"Which Clark do you mean?"
"The live one!" muttered Ralph.
Lois grabbed Clark's hand and they tumbled down the rabbit-hole!
Then Clark (still tripping) saw Alice through the Looking Glass.
"Save her!" he cried. "She seems to be turning into ... Ralph? Am I on something?" groaned Clark, clutching his head.
"Hope that'll teach you, Clark!"
"I need to quit LSD."
"He thought he could fly," Perry snickered. "What's my Alice doing in the looking-glass? Come back to this hunk of Elvis-loving ol' Hound Dog, Dumplin'!"
"Perry, get a room, please!" Lois grinned. "Clark, why don't we get married tonight and get a room ourselves? That Cozy Motel'd be honeymoon heaven!"
"With the apartment burned, it will be like the Hilton!
