She didn’t know how long she sat in his arms, her head to his chest, memorizing the sound of his heartbeat and the feel of his arms around her. She kept thinking maybe if she didn’t move, didn’t breathe too deeply, they could stay in this moment forever. Just him and her. No one else. And maybe they could disappear. Away from the Planet, away from the Earth, away from New Krypton. But that wouldn’t happen and Clark confirmed it.
“Sweetie? It’s time.”
She stayed still, and whispered, “Okay.”
Slowly, she moved to get up. At the same time his chest disappeared and in its place was her pillow.
She’d had the dream again.
Their last few hours repeated in a bittersweet mirage while she slept. At least she could be thankful she didn’t have to relive the farewell again. That had been far too painful. She’d had to deal with that all on her own, pretending all the while that it was only Superman leaving, not her other half. His last words still echoed in her mind. It wasn’t the first time she’d heard Superman get emotional, but it had been the first time for the whole of Metropolis and the world.
"Although I have always loved life here on Earth, and have called it my home, I have another home as well... one that needs me now. But wherever I am, I'll carry the best of Earth with me. And while I'm gone, I ask each one of you to look to yourselves for the strength, decency, and compassion that I know each one of you has inside. Emerson said self trust is the essence of heroism. Inside each of you is a hero. And so I leave, knowing that a world full of heroes has nothing to fear."
But for Lois, there was something to fear. That Clark wouldn’t make it back.
It’d been three months. Three months of pretending that she was fine, only just a little emotional because her friend Superman had left and her fiancé was away. Three months of pretending Clark was on the other end of the line when she got a call at work from Smallville. And three months of the anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach that she might be pregnant.
She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. It was exactly what she’d been wanting for some time. Only not like this. Clark was supposed to be here with her, sharing in this nervous anticipation of a positive test result. She had one in her bathroom, but she hadn’t taken it yet. It was denial that was stopping her. If she didn’t take the test, she wouldn’t be pregnant and Clark wouldn’t miss out on the one thing she knew he wanted more than anything. Roots. Something that said, plain and simple, loud and clear, that he belonged on this planet. How could she deny him that perfect moment?
But she couldn’t wait any longer. She’d already scheduled a doctor’s appointment. That was a week ago and the appointment was today. She’d go into work first, then tell Perry that she wasn’t feeling well. She didn’t know if she’d be able to go back to work afterwards.
It was earlier than she normally woke up, so she got ready slower than usual. Standing in just her underwear, she stared at herself in the mirror. She ran a hand slowly over her stomach and pooched out her belly. Pregnant. She could get used to that. It wouldn’t be so bad.
After dressing, she actually took some time to make herself breakfast. Well, okay some toast and orange juice. If Clark had been here, he’d have made her a real breakfast. Just in case. He’d be seriously overprotective of her if he knew there were even a chance that she might be pregnant. She’d pretend to hate it, but secretly love it. She sniffed, trying not to cry. Her hand slipped down to feel her belly again; it was fast becoming a habit.
She drove slowly to work and made her way up to the newsroom, biding her time until she’d leave again. It was quiet in the early hour, as she’d come to expect over the last few months. She spied Perry in his office. She smiled. Well, at least some things never changed. She ran through the motions as she did every morning since Clark had left: booted up her computer, checked her voice mail, and got herself a cup of coffee – decaf now that she had someone else’s health to worry about. Before she could sit down to check her email though, she heard Perry call her name from across the room. She looked over and saw him leaning in the doorway to his office, his face lined with concern. She sighed and made her way towards him, now wishing that her coworkers were here after all. Well, maybe she’d leave earlier than she’d thought.
***
After she was securely inside, he shut the door. He knew Lois better than a lot of folks did. He knew she was working herself ragged, trying to stay busy so that she wouldn’t have to face her personal life. Normally, he didn’t mind this, because it had produced some award winning stories when she’d done it in the past. But this time, there didn’t seem to be too many stories. The city had taken to heart Superman’s parting words; crime was actually at an all-time low. That, and her heart just wasn’t in it. He knew exactly where it was. Not in Smallville like everyone thought, but with a man on a space rock, millions of miles away. It just wasn’t fair. It didn’t seem that life would ever give those two a break.
“Perry?”
Pulled out of his thoughts, he noticed that Lois had already taken a seat in one of the chairs opposite his desk. He took the one next to it. “Lois, Darlin’, you know you can talk to me. You’re not only my best reporter, you’re like a daughter to me and it hurts me to see you so restless and alone. Honey, have you thought of taking some time off, joining Clark in Smallville? Relax a little.” He knew Clark wasn’t there, but maybe spending some time with his parents would help. She wouldn’t have to keep up the façade there.
“No thanks, Perry. I’m fine. I’ve just been a little under the weather lately. Though, maybe since I’m not feeling so well, I’ll go home and rest. I really should have just called in, but…I don’t know. It feels weird not coming into work.”
“Sure, Darlin’, I understand. Why don’t you go ahead and take tomorrow off too? Just rest up and then you can come back firing on all cylinders Wednesday.”
“Alright.”
She stood and smoothed out her skirt. He rose to see her out. She gave him a thank you and a weak smile as she exited his office.
Perry sank heavily into the chair behind his desk. God help that girl, stubborn as the day is long. But maybe these two days would help. He watched her through the window, glumly packing up her desk, and he hoped beyond hope that Clark would find his way back.
***
Clark Kent sat on his couch in the dark. He was depressed. Beyond depressed. Ever since that woman…since Lois…had visited from a parallel universe and turned his world upside down. That had been months ago. He’d been getting along just fine before her. Well, sort of. He’d been happy with Lana for the most part. But he guessed, looking back, he hadn’t been *that* happy. Lana had been tolerant of his powers, but only that. Sometimes he’d even suspected that she was repulsed by his alienness, but Lana was all he’d had.
After his parents had died, she’d been his only friend. Well, the only friend he’d felt safe with. The only one he’d felt comfortable confiding in. He hadn’t told her right away about himself. It wasn’t until they were both 14 that he’d confessed his secret, told her just how different he was from everyone else.
He winced as he remembered her reaction. She’d been scared and maybe even a little disgusted by him. She’d quickly masked her emotions and had ended up being a really good friend and eventually his fiancé. But still, that moment had never gone away for Clark. Sure, he’d pushed it to the recesses of his memory – he’d had to – but he still hadn’t forgotten. He’d stayed with her out of comfort for the familiar, because he’d honestly thought that there wouldn’t be anyone else, and because she was ‘safe.’ If he didn’t get close to anyone, he couldn’t get hurt again. Lana was better than no one and certainly better than someone else. Someone who had the potential to break his heart.
Someone like Lois.
It still baffled him how connected he’d felt with her after only just meeting her. He’d had this powerful feeling of comfort, of belonging when she was near. And ever since she’d left, he’d felt an immense sense of loss. He berated himself for it. She was never his in the first place. She belonged to another universe and her heart belonged to another man. One who happened to be just like him in so many ways.
He’d had a lot of time to think since she’d left. Too much in fact. He’d thought that maybe his feelings for her were really meant for *his* Lois. At first, it was just to make himself feel better, but it had ended up making perfect sense. At least in the fairy tale sense. That fantasy you always had as child that there was someone out there for everyone. One perfect match, the other half of a whole. A soulmate. The illusion you always had that you’d find that perfect someone and live happily ever after.
But then you had to grow up. A pipe dream was all it was. For a time, he’d thought maybe, if the Lois and Clark from the other universe were made for each other, maybe the Lois Lane of his universe was *his* soulmate. He’d clung to that dream. He’d held fast to the hope that maybe she really wasn’t dead. Her body had never been found; she’d vanished in the Congo on a story. Maybe she was just lost, hurt, somewhere trying to find her way home. He’d looked for her. He’d searched all of Africa. He’d tracked down a hundred Jane Doe’s matching her description and found a hundred threads of hope yanked from his heart, leaving him still alone. But he’d come to realize this was his destiny. Being alone. First his parents, then Lana, then Lois. Both of them. He’d created his own hell and now he was grieving for a woman, for a love, for a life he’d never known.
Sometimes he cursed his heritage, his powers. If not for them, he might have ended it. He’d have taken too many pills, jumped off a cliff, or something. As it was, he’d even tried flying into space with the intent of suffocating himself, but his innate need for air, that unfortunate habit of breathing had forced him back to Earth.
He took a deep breath and let it out. He needed to get away. He thought maybe he should move again, like he’d always done in the past when things had gotten too hard. But now that everyone knew who and what he was, it was pointless. He envied that other Clark. He had everything. Anonymity. His parents. And his Lois. What he wouldn't give to be in his place.
His doorbell rang and he just sat there. He didn’t care. Most people had stopped bothering him, but there was still the occasional fan or reporter wanting an autograph or a story. The person abandoned the doorbell and started knocking. He wished they would just go away and leave him to his misery. Maybe if he ignored it they would assume he was gone and just go away.
His hearing kicked in. “Mr. Kent. I know you can hear me. It’s H.G. Wells. Please open the door, I need desperately to speak with you.”
It was *him*. The dead writer. Maybe he’d found Lois! That was what got him to the door to answer. He let the diminutive man with the bowler hat inside. “Can I help you?”
“Mr. Kent, yes. Well, actually, it is not I that needs your help, but rather Lois Lane.”
“Lois?” he choked.
***
Lois had gone straight home after her doctor’s appointment. Somehow, she’d found the strength to make some tea and settled on the couch. She moved a hand to cover her abdomen. It was official, she was pregnant. Her doctor had been a little surprised at Lois’ reaction, but Lois had simply told her that her fiancé was out of town and she was a little more emotional lately. The woman had nodded sympathetically, but she didn’t know Lois’ real torment. Not only was her fiancé away, but it didn’t look like he was coming back. The tears rolled silently down her face. Oh, Clark, come home! Please come home. She couldn’t do this alone. They’d wanted children, but not like this. Clark was supposed to be here. It wasn’t fair. Ever since the thought of being pregnant had entered her head, ever since they’d been engaged, she’d secretly anticipated this moment. She’d find out she was pregnant and find some clever way to tell Clark, that wonderful face of his would light up and he would pick her up and swing her around, finally stopping to let her slide down his body and they would kiss. Then they would make love, sweet and slow, commemorating the moment.
But Clark wasn’t here and it killed her to think that there was a chance he wouldn’t return. Her only comfort now, was that she would forever have a part of him with her. She took a pillow and hugged it closely to her, curling up on the couch and she cried herself to sleep.
***
“Yes, the Lois Lane you met from the alternate universe.”
Clark’s heart fell again. “Oh…yeah.” He was stupid to have even thought otherwise. “What’s wrong?”
“Well you see, that universe’s Superman needed to leave indefinitely.”
He cocked his head in confusion.
“It’s a very long and quite complicated story, I’m afraid. But the problem is, Superman left and Clark Kent’s identity is in jeopardy.”
“But what could that matter? Look at me. Everyone knows about me and I’m fine.” He didn’t believe the last word, but logically, it was true.
“Yes, but you see, this Clark Kent has safeguarded his secret identity for years, earning the public’s trust as a superhero and a respected journalist. Separately. I’ve visited their future and it seems that the public did not take well to the revelation of dishonesty. They felt it an unforgivable betrayal and their trust in Superman crumbled. And thus Utopia as well.
“And you want me to take his place?”
The bespectacled man nodded.
“For how long?”
“Unfortunately, I cannot say just how long.”
“And this will fix things for her? For them?”
“Yes, my boy. I believe it will do the trick. So…will you help?”
He sighed, almost resigned to the fact that he would. Hadn’t he just been wishing for a way out of here? An escape from himself? He wouldn’t have to be Superman for a while. He’d be able to just be Clark Kent again, like before, when nobody knew what a freak he was. And he’d be able to see her again. Though that was a double-edged sword. It would be a salve for his heart, seeing her again, but at the same time it would be a façade. Just a ruse to uphold the faith and the trust of a Superman he wasn’t sure he could ever truly be.
But what would be lost? He couldn’t be any worse off than he was now. Right?
He looked back at the man that had interrupted his misery. “Alright.”
“Good, good. Well, you’ll make a statement later today to your people and we’ll be off.”
“Mr. Wells?”
“Yes, Clark?”
“What about…can you tell me about my future? Is there a Utopia here? Is it worth it?”
The man sighed. “My boy, you are a remarkable man. What you do here in your Metropolis *does* make a difference. You’ve begun a different but just as sound foundation for Utopia. Here, you are a man the people can look up to. You give them all hope for a better future.”
“And *my* future? How can I go on knowing that something so precious has been taken away from me before I ever had it? Is she…is Lois alive? Please. I have to know.”
“I’m sorry. I cannot tell you what is in store for you. It would change everything. Sometimes we just have to rely on fate to take its course and trust that it will lead us down the right path.”
Ironic coming from the man who dated to change fate himself, but Clark just nodded. He knew it was the truth, but right now, he’d lost that trust. Maybe Lois could help him get it back.
***
She awoke, disoriented with a cramp in her neck, still clutching the pillow. She looked around her, getting her bearings and it all came back to her in a rush.
She was pregnant and Clark still was gone. She wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t. She was strong. And maybe one of these days she’d be able to hold back the tears when she woke up alone. She had to be strong. And now, she had to be strong for their baby too.
She rubbed her neck as she glanced at the clock on the VCR, 3:40 a.m., and swiped at the tears on her face. Out of nowhere, there was a knock at her door. She groaned. It was four in the morning for Christ’s sake. Who on Earth could it be? The last thing she wanted right now was company. Let alone the emergency that must be waiting on the other side due to the hour.
She was going to ignore it, but the person was insistent so she got up stiffly and headed for the door. When she saw Clark through the peephole, she couldn’t get the door open fast enough. She stared at him for a second before launching herself into his arms. “Oh, Clark!”
***
He was assailed by the woman in his arms and before he could think to stop it, she was kissing him. And he couldn’t help but kiss her back.
She sobbed words out between kisses. “I thought…I’d…never…see you…again.”
He knew he should stop her, but there was some force inside of him that wouldn’t let him. The feeling inside him when their lips met, when their tongues met, it was almost like magic. She finally tore away and she looked at him, her arms still around his neck. He was having trouble concentrating on what he was supposed to tell her.
“Clark,” she started smiling. “I think I figured out that little compatibility issue we were wondering about.”
He was lost and she was waiting anxiously for him to make some kind of connection. “What issue?”
Her grin lost some wattage. “Don’t you remember? The night you left...? I’m pregnant.”
Her eyes sparkled and he could feel her heart soaring. Oh, how he wished he could pretend that this was his Lois. His baby. But that wouldn’t happen and he had to tell her now.
He smiled wistfully and gently extracted her from his arms. “That’s wonderful, Lois. I’m so happy for you.” He could see the hurt and confusion in her eyes. Her eyes were still sparkling, only now it was with unshed tears. “Look, Lois, I’m not who you think I am.”
“Clark?”
“Yes,” he said quietly. “But not your Clark.”
***
Her heart was in her throat when she tried to swallow. She bit her bottom lip. Hard. To make sure this wasn’t some cruel nightmare. But it *was* a nightmare, only she wasn’t sleeping.
She opened her mouth to speak but somehow her voice failed her. She vaguely heard him try to explain before she crumpled to the floor, hugging herself tightly. She felt the sobs wracking her body and she could barely breathe.
She felt his strong arms wrap around her. Clark’s arms. And he picked her up and carried her inside.
She just held him for awhile, taking small comfort that he felt so much like her Clark. He sat them on the couch and continued to hold her. Life was cruel. Truly cruel. Here she was in Clark’s arms, just like she’d been wishing for for months. Only it wasn’t really Clark. What if Clark was never coming home? Was that why this Clark was here?
She gently pushed herself away from him, curling up in the corner of the couch, her sobs subsiding. She was slightly embarrassed. She sniffled and tried her best to wipe the tears from her face.
“Why…why are you here?”
He looked flustered. “Um…H.G. Wells sent me. Actually, he just kinda unloaded me here.”
H.G. Wells. The time traveler obsessed with Utopia. She knew that meant something but her brain was murky and wouldn’t function. She just stared at him and waited for him to finish.
“All he told me was that your Clark had to leave as Superman. He said Clark’s identity and ultimately Utopia was in jeopardy. I’m so sorry, Lois, he didn’t tell me you didn’t know. I would have called or…or something. I didn’t mean…I never wanted to hurt you like this.”
She sniffled again and shrugged off his apology. She didn’t want to think about the hurt right now, so she focused on why this Clark was here, not why hers had left. “Why is Utopia in danger?”
“He said he visited the future and there was no Utopia. Lois?”
“Yeah?”
“I didn’t think to ask at the time and I know of Thomas More’s Utopia, but…this is going to sound stupid…what does H.G. Wells mean by Utopia? And why does he seem so obsessed with it?”
She smiled weakly. “I’m not sure why exactly he’s so hung up on the idea of Utopia, but back when we first met him, he explained what it was and how he had been enchanted by the entire society. He said that Utopia was founded by Superman’s descendants, that they based their society on the values and principles that Superman lived by.” She placed a hand on her stomach and looked down. “I guess he or she is the beginning of this future society.”
He smiled at her, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Well, now what Wells said makes a little more sense. He said that the public’s trust in Superman died when they’d discovered his dual identity, his deception, and he was never quite able to regain it. And thus the foundation for Utopia crumbled.”
“I guess I can understand that. Who would uphold or adhere to values and principles that were lined with deceit? Not that Clark had cruel intentions, but…well I just remember how hurt and angry I was when I’d figured it out.”
“But you were able to forgive him.”
She nodded. Yeah, she had forgiven him, but that’s because she loved him, couldn’t live without him. That and she’d understood why he’d done it. Not everyone could understand. Not everyone could forgive. It all made sense. Sort of. “So, H.G. Wells brought you here to be Clark?”
He nodded.
“For how long?”
“He wouldn’t tell me. Weeks? Months?”
“Did he say if Clark was coming back?”
“Sorry, he didn’t. And I don’t think he would have if I’d asked.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat. The one that hadn’t seemed to go away ever since Clark had left.
Lois looked over at him. He was looking at her with such sympathy, pity almost. “I’m sorry, Lois, I didn’t think about how hard this would be on you. I mean, Wells didn’t even tell me why Clark had to leave.”
“I guess the same didn’t happen in your universe. Or maybe just not yet.”
He shook his head.
“These people came – Zara and Ching. They’re Kryptonians like Clark. And you. They came for him.”
“You mean I’m not the last? But I thought…”
“I know. So did Clark. Presumably, after he…you…were sent to Earth, a small colony of young Kryptonians were sent to colonize a dead planet in order to survive. They came for Clark because he’s…royalty. The Lord of Krypton, apparently.
“What? I’m a…Lord?”
“Yeah.” She smiled faintly at his incredulity. “*The* Lord. Lord Kal-El of the House of El and rightful ruler of Krypton…well I guess now it would be New Krypton. And…well, it being the hierarchal society it is, Clark and Zara are betrothed.”
“Excuse me?”
“Zara is a Lady and she and Clark were married at birth to secure the royal blood line. Or something like that.”
“So that’s why he left?!”
She looked down at her hands then back up at him. “No. There’s some evil Lord Nor who wants to take over New Krypton. Clark went to fight. To lead his people. They said it was the only way. Oh, Clark! I’m so worried. They said he won’t have his powers up there. He could get hurt. He could…”
***
Die. This other Clark could die. He didn’t know how he wouldn’t have his powers, but now was definitely not the time to ask. It was a lot to take in, especially knowing that this could be his fate as well. And Lois. He looked at her. What could he say to console her? “Lois…” he was surprised to hear the pain in his voice. She was hurting and he could feel it. And at that moment, it struck him just how much she and Clark had both put on the line. Their lives, their future hung in the balance and he was here to…. To what? Now he wasn’t sure at all what his role was.
He looked up at her when she spoke. “I think I’m gonna go to bed.”
He watched her stand and try to compose herself. “You’re sure you don’t need to talk?”
She shook her head and gave him a weak smile. “Thank you. But I think I just want to be alone right now. Let me get you a blanket and some pillows.”
He nodded and simply watched her as she got him a pillow and an afghan from her hall closet.
“Goodnight, Clark.”
“Goodnight.”
Clark watched her retreat to her bedroom and heard the faint click of the door as it closed behind her. He settled down on the couch. It wasn’t too terribly comfortable. Well, at least the pillow was. It smelled of her. A sweet scent that he’d already, unfortunately, become fond of. And that’s when he heard it. The muffled whimpering. He tried not to, but he could hear her crying in the other room. It broke his heart to listen to her suffer. That connection was there again, but stronger this time. Maybe from the emotion of the situation, but it was different too. He didn’t just feel connected to her somehow, he could feel her emotions as they coursed through her. He hadn’t expected it, but he could feel the dull ache in her chest, the lump in her throat, and the sobs wracking her body.
He finally relaxed when her sobs died out and he could hear the slow rhythm of her breathing. And he was left alone again with his thoughts. What she’d said to him kept repeating in his head. He wasn’t the last of his kind. There were others. He wasn’t alone. And apparently he was royalty? And married? It was almost too much to handle.
On some level, he could understand why Clark had gone with the New Kryptonians. He remembered finding the globe a few years back. It had almost called to him when he’d gotten near. The small orb had seemed attuned to him somehow, glowing and coming to life when he’d picked it up. He’d cried when his birth parents had appeared in front of him to tell him why he was on Earth. His birth father had told him so precious little about his heritage and he’d always longed for more.
Now, he had one more thing to envy the other Clark for. It wasn’t fair. He had it all. *And* Lois. It must have torn him apart to leave her. Clark wasn’t sure if he’d have done the same. He didn’t know if he was a strong enough person for war. For any of it. Arranged marriage. Hierarchy. His father hadn’t mentioned that he was royalty. He’d probably thought it not relevant, not knowing that he might be summoned one day.
He wondered about this New Krypton. What was it like? Would it be better than his Metropolis? And Zara? What was she like? Certainly not like Lois. If his universe’s New Kryptonians came, could he find a home with them? Would he feel like he belonged? Would he have that same feeling of serenity with Zara that he felt when Lois was around?
He checked on her again with his hearing. Her heartbeat was slow and steady. Soothing. How was he going to do this? Put up this façade for everyone to believe that they were a happy couple in love? And one expecting a baby at that. He was confident he could play the part, but what would it do to his heart?
***
Lois awoke the next morning, disoriented. She’d dreamt that Clark had come back and she was once again hit with an overwhelming sense of loss. Clark *had* come back. But not her Clark. The other Clark. And he was in her living room, waiting to remind her of what she couldn’t have. It was a cruel but inescapable torture, having Clark here, but not really. If she tried hard enough, she could still smell Clark on her pillowcase, though she knew it had been washed since he’d last slept on it. She didn’t want to get up. It she just stayed in bed, she wouldn’t have to face the complicated mess her life had become.
H.G. Wells. Utopia. Parallel universes. An exact double of her fiancé. Lois shook her head. No one else had to deal with such impossibilities. In fact, no one else would even believe they existed.
She sighed and resigned herself to getting out of bed. She changed into some sweats and headed out to the living room. He was there. Of course he was there. Where else would he have been? He was watching TV, the volume turned down so low that she could hardly hear it. He turned to look at her, probably having sensed her come into the room.
“Good morning.” He gave her a timid smile.
“Morning. Did you…uh…sleep okay?”
“Yes, thank you. Want some breakfast? I could go get us something to eat? Eggs, pancakes, waffles? Whatever you want.”
She stood and stared at him. Just like Clark had asked the morning he left…except. “Sure, though I have some things here if you want to cook.”
He gave her an embarrassed look. “Um…I don’t cook so well.”
“Oh, sorry. I just assumed…sorry. Well, if you don’t mind, I’d love something to eat.”
“Sure, what would you like? Croissants from France?”
There he goes. Just like Clark again. And that lump in her throat was back too. She needed to get rid of that if she was ever going to survive the next few…Weeks? Months? She swallowed it again. “That’d be great…um…just remember you can’t be Superman.”
He paused for a moment, then nodded. “Be right back.”
She watched the blur disappear and heard her front door open and close a second later.
Suddenly, she felt nauseated and she ran for the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. She just made it to the toilet before her stomach heaved.
Everything had come up by the time she heard that familiar ‘whoosh.’ She hit the handle as she sank to the floor, feeling the coolness of the tile through her sweats. A soft knock came at the door.
“Lois? You okay in there? I heard…well…is there anything I can do?”
She didn’t bother raising her voice to shout through the door. She felt weak and she knew he’d hear her. “I’ll be fine, Clark. Thanks.” She grabbed some toilet paper off the roll and dried her eyes then blew her runny nose. God, she hated throwing up. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
Lois got up slowly, tossing the paper in the trash. She turned on the faucet, washing her mouth out and splashing some of the cold water on her face. She straightened and a red, drawn face met her gaze in the mirror. How was she going to get through this? Why couldn’t Clark be here? Her Clark, not a painful reminder of his absence. It wasn’t fair.
She yanked a towel off the rack and dried her face. Yuck. She still had that sour taste in her mouth. She snatched the mouthwash from the vanity and gargled for a full minute, hoping to obliterate her grief as well as the foul taste. She spat and wiped her mouth with the towel again. She glanced in the mirror, a determined look on her face. Well, it was time to face the world. Or at least…Clark.
She steeled herself, reaching into her reserves where she had hidden Mad Dog Lane so long ago, after Clark had broken down her walls and shown her what love was. What love could be like. She needed Mad Dog now. It was the only way she was going to make it. “Alright, Mad Dog, here we go.”
She found him in the kitchen pouring some orange juice into two glasses. He turned around and looked at her with a concerned face. Clark’s face.
“Feeling better?”
She just nodded.
“I thought…well, if you’re not up to eating, I understand.”
“No, I think I can manage a little. Ugh! Everything bad they say about morning sickness is true.” She looked at him and was suddenly struck by how hard this must be for him as well. He was sacrificing part of his life to save her and Clark’s future. And his future…well, all she could remember of his world was that his Lois was gone. Dead. And now, just as he was here to remind him of what she couldn’t have, she was doing the same for him. Only worse, because for him, his soulmate would never be coming back. She didn’t know what to say. Everything was just so… insignificant. All she could manage was “Thanks.”
“Oh. It wasn’t any trouble. Just a quick flight…”
“No. I mean for everything. I know this has to be hard for you too.”
***
Clark looked down to avoid her gaze. He didn’t have a response for that. But thankfully, none was needed. She gathered the juices from the counter and set them on the table, seating herself in the process. “Come on, we can talk about how we’re going to do this.”
He nodded mutely, still stuck for words, and joined her at the table. He wondered where this new Lois had come from. He could still see the pain in her eyes, but it didn’t show on her face.
“So,” she began as she snatched a warm croissant from the bag. He watched as she pulled off a flaky piece and popped it into her mouth, thinking as she chewed. “Work. The Planet will be our main challenge. Perry, Jimmy, they’ll be the ones we really have to worry about.” She paused in thought.
“That’s Mayor White and Mr. Olsen. Right?”
“Right, only you’ll need to call them Perry or Chief and Jimmy.”
He nodded and began to file away the information as she ticked it off.
“Jimmy calls you CK most of the time and he’s a researcher slash photographer, not the owner like in your universe. Um…we’re partners. For most stories we work together, some we have independently. We do a lot of legwork so that’ll be good. The less we’re in the newsroom, the better off we’ll be. Let’s see, what else?”
He stared at her in amazement as she spoke, wondering where she’d pulled this bravado from. She must be an incredibly tenacious woman. In her situation, he didn’t know if he’d be strong enough to handle any of this. He hadn’t been able to cope with much at all. Lois had, but so far, she’d mentioned only technicalities, nothing emotional. He wondered if she’d be the first to bring it up. Maybe he should.
“What about…” he hesitated, but he had her attention now after breaking his silence. “What about the…PDAs and stuff?” He hoped he sounded as embarrassed as he felt. He didn’t want her to think that he was enjoying this or taking advantage.
Her face fell and her bravado faltered for a moment, but she seemed to banish the feeling quickly. “Well,” she played with her hands and looked down. “Clark and I are usually pretty affectionate at work.” Her voice became softer. “He always gets me coffee in the morning. Non-fat milk and artificial sweetener. I think he’s known that since our first day together.” She sniffled but continued. “So…he’ll get us both coffee and we’ll sit at my desk, going over our current stories. He touches me a lot. A hand on my knee, a brief kiss on the cheek, or if he’s brave and Perry isn’t watching, he’ll kiss me on the lips. He’s kinda shy that way, but think he’s getting used to it. In fact, the newsroom is too. They used to take cover; it was like an air raid siren going off when we got into it. But they always knew Clark would apologize and I would forgive him, regardless of whose fault it was.” She smiled slightly and dipped her head. “I still don’t like admitting when I’m wrong. And even if we both know I’m wrong, Clark apologizes and we know we’re okay. We both know where we stand.”
He smiled at that. What an amazing woman.
“Even before Clark and I were together, Clark would gaze at me from his desk. I’d always pretended not to notice. God, I was so stupid! I never saw what was right in front of me. Well, I guess I didn’t *want* to see it. Clark was so patient. He made me see it. Made me see him for who he was. Made me see that I really did love him, that I was just scared. We were best friends first and I was terrified I would have lost him. And now…I wasted so much of the time we could have had together.”
She was silent after that, concentrating on the table and tracing the grain of the wood under the varnish. His heart ached for her, but at the same time he still envied her. And Clark, for their experience, their history together. He’d give anything to have that with someone.
His Lois.
“Lois, don’t do that.” He put a hand over hers, waiting until she looked at him. “Don’t look back on what you could have done differently. I’m sure that if it happened any other way, your love today for each other wouldn’t be as strong. It wouldn’t be the same. Our experiences make us who we are. And who you are is who Clark loves. Why would you want to change that?”
He believed what he’d said, but it was hard to comprehend that kind of love when he hadn’t experienced it himself. All he could do was imagine. And for a moment, he imagined that she was his.
***
The tears rolled silently down her cheeks. “Thank you.” It was all she could say. Here he was again, comforting her when he was hurting too. He was so much like Clark it was scary. But he was different too. She knew a little of his past and his present, how his life must be like, and she admired his courage. He was strong in more ways than one.
Just like Clark.
She imagined the man in front of her losing his parents at such a young age, bouncing around from different foster homes, never really fitting in anywhere. Not in the community, not in a family, not in the human race. It broke her heart to think how alone he must have felt. How alone he still must feel. And she wondered how he did it. How did he survive? He spoke again and she had her answer.
“So, do we go into work today, or what?”
He buried it all inside. Locked it up in his own personal steel vault, never letting anyone else in. Just like Clark.
“Um no, I went home sick yesterday. I…the doctor confirmed it then.” She moved her free hand down to her abdomen. “I think Perry suspected and said for me to take today off too. I haven’t been very productive lately anyway, with Clark gone.”
He gave her an understanding smile and squeezed her hand before releasing it. “So, how long has he been gone?”
“Three months, four days and,” she glanced at the clock, “two hours.”
“Did…Does he know?”
She shook her head. “No. The night before he left…it was the first time we…”
“Oh, Lois, I’m so sorry.”
“No, no. It’s better this way. I mean he needed to go. He wouldn’t have if he’d known.” She hadn’t thought much about that, but now that she said it, she knew it was true. At least she thought so. She wished it hadn’t happened this way, but…it was better. She had to believe that.
It looked like he wanted to say something but he just nodded.
“Everyone thinks he’s in Smallville, helping out his dad because of an illness. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say after that. After it became too long to be believable…I just…I wasn’t…I couldn’t do anything else.”
He put a hand on hers to comfort her. “Hey, it’s okay. You did good.”
She composed herself again. She had to get a hold of her emotions. Mad Dog Lane kept slipping up, losing her edge.
“So, besides Perry, are you going to tell anyone else about the baby?”
She shook her head. She wasn’t ready for that. It was her moment. Clark’s moment. Maybe she wouldn’t have to wait that long and it still could be his. But probably not. Even still, she didn’t want everyone else to know just yet. She couldn’t handle that. “No. I’d rather wait…I…think we need a little time to adjust to our situation first.”
He nodded. If he’d known what she was thinking, he didn’t let on. And she was grateful for that. She grabbed his hand. “Come on, there’s somewhere we need to go.”
tbc...
I just hope my muse catches up, which just might happen. She's awake and kickin' now.