well, seeing how wildly popular part 1 was, i've decided to post part 2.
you can find the
TOC here.
from
part 1 ...
SNOW
Respect? Him? He's my father, and I love him and all, but how am I supposed to respect the guy when he's still clinging to some crazy... religion or something... whatever you want to call it... that died out before I was born? Ah, forget it. I don't want to get into that. Look, since you’re looking to get into the biz, Nick over there is a writer/director. He may be able to get you a part.
AMY
Really?
SNOW
You think I’d kid you about something like that?
AMY
Where is he?
SNOW
In the corner over there, where he always skulks.
AMY
Huh, I didn’t see him. What’s he doing back there? And why’s he dressed like that?
SNOW
He’s a little... eccentric.
AMY
Hmph. Eccentric? I should have guessed.
SNOW
He’s convinced that he’s a character in some play.
AMY
Oooookaaaayyy...
SNOW
It’s why he did the whole movie thing.
AMY
Huh?
SNOW
He thinks there’s some conspiracy or something. He got into the biz to try to become an insider and find out about it.
AMY
Gotcha.
and now, part 2...
NICK
You think I’m crazy, don’tcha?
AMY
<startled>
What?
NICK
You think I’m crazy.
AMY
Uhm, I don’t really know you very well, so I wouldn’t want to... make a... judgement.
NICK
How very... polite of you. Take a look over there. <Points towards audience> What do you see?
AMY
Well, there’s a wall. It’s got a Grateful Dead poster, a Metallica poster, a large psychedelic peace sign, a window, there’s one of those neon “pizza” signs in it...
NICK
NO! No, no, no, NO! Look closely. What’s beyond the wall?
AMY
A street? A lady with a poodle? Los Angeles?
NICK
You don’t see them, do you?
AMY
Don’t see who?
NICK
Whom.
AMY
What?
NICK
It’s whom. “I” is the subject, even if it is understood, so the people that you don’t see are part of the predicate. Therefore, the word you’re looking for is whom, not who.
AMY
Ok. Sorry. So, WHOM am I not seeing?
NICK
The audience! They’re sitting right there! There is no wall where you were looking! Right there in the front row... <He begins describing a few of the audience members. Try to have fun with this, but staying in character is obviously the most important thing. Observations should be simple and direct, and only insulting if Nick does it unintentionally. He should respond to audience reactions as appropriate.>
AMY
No. I don’t see any of them.
NICK
Not even <select someone to pick on>?
AMY
No.
NICK
But <pick out something obvious about him/her “the hat!” “that t-shirt!” or something like that>
AMY
No. I’m sorry. I don’t see them.
NICK
Well, you’re a good actress, I’ll give you that.
AMY
Thank you! <beat> Uh, wait.... I’m not acting.
NICK
Very good. I don’t know about you, but whoever is playing you is doing it well.
AMY
Er, thanks, I think.
NICK
There really is no wall there. I’ll prove it to you. <Gets up, if he hasn’t already done so, and walks towards the audience. The actor, being a brilliant mime, should have no trouble having Nick “slam into” the “fourth wall.”> Ow!
SNOW
<In the final stage of repairing the oven>
You ok, Nick? <To Amy> Dude does that every day.
NICK
Yes, and every day you meet her for the first time. How about this? In another few seconds, Dave, a shy, bookish, professor, will walk in the door and order a slice with extra cheese.
SNOW
So? Dave does that every day at this time.
DAVE
<Walks in through the door, goes up to the counter. By now, RAINCLOUD has walked on stage. He is currently working behind the counter, making a pie with extra cheese.>
The usual, please. Hi, Nick. How’s your head?
NICK
I’m fine.
AMY
Hey, Nick, Dave can I get your autographs?
NICK
Sure.
DAVE
You want my autograph? Why?
SNOW
Let's just say collecting autographs is her hobby.
DAVE
Uhm, ok.
AMY
<goes over to NICK with her autograph book>
I've question for you, Nick. Every conspiracy theorist has his own answer- who killed Kennedy?
NICK
Probably Oswald, but it was on TV, and Lincoln was in a theater when he was shot by a guy named booth! It's always the theater. There’s something about the industry...
AMY
You actually think it was Oswald? That’s a first. You may be sane, after all.
NICK
Thanks.
AMY
But if this is a play, it doesn’t seem to have much of a plot.
NICK
Maybe it’s one of those “slice of life” plays. That would explain the pizzeria. Oh, God, that’s cheesy. Pizzeria, cheesy... uh, that’s even worse.
SNOW
<By now, he’s finished with the oven, and, leaving
the wrench handy, washed his hands again.>
Hey, Amy! Here’s your pizza.
AMY
Pizza? Oh, yeah.
SNOW
That’ll be $1.25, please. <She hands him the money> Thanks.
RAINCLOUD
<Walking in from the back room. AMY is getting DAVE's autograph.>
You got the oven fixed, then?
SNOW
<Sigh> Yeah, Dad.
RAINCLOUD
<Puts the pie into the oven>
Why don’t you make some more dough?
SNOW
<Looks at Amy, then sighs and looks at the counter>
Sure, I guess.
NICK
Hey, could I have a coke?
RAINCLOUD
Sure, Nick. <Hands him the soda. Nick pays for it, then goes back to his booth, where he broods over the rim of the cup.>
DAVE
<Sits heavily in the nearest stool>
RAINCLOUD
You ok, Dave?
DAVE
Not really.
RAINCLOUD
What is it?
DAVE
Ah, the University rules require each faculty member to give a talk every few years, and I just found out it’s my turn.
RAINCLOUD
So? What’s the problem? You’re a professor, you love to teach, and you’re good at what you do.
DAVE
But my classes are always small. A few people I can deal with, but giving a talk in front of a large crowd? I couldn’t!
AMY
Couldn’t? Why not? Crowds are wondrous things- especially when they’re there for you!
DAVE
W w w wondrous? Not for me, they’re not! Crowds make me... nervous. <Staring off towards the audience> I get... stage fright. How am I supposed to give a talk in front of that many people? I’ll choke up. I could lose my job!
NICK
You’re doing it right now.
DAVE
What?
NICK
Talking in front of a large group of people.
DAVE
What people?
NICK
The audience! There’s a large audience right over there, and they’re all watching you.
DAVE
This is some sort of visualization exercise, right?
RAINCLOUD
You mean you don’t know?
DAVE
Don’t know what?
RAINCLOUD
You’ve been coming in here every day for how long, now, and you don’t know about Nick’s theory?
DAVE
What theory? Every day, I come in, Nick has just hit his head, and then he goes off and skulks in the corner.
RAINCLOUD
Nick has this idea that-
NICK
Yeah, it’s a visualization exercise. Try it out. See if you can see them. <He begins to describe the audience again, but this time slowly, more carefully, trying to get DAVE to see them, if only in his mind>. Concentrate. Do you see them?
DAVE
Concentrate. Right. There’s <begins describing the audience, from what he remembers. NICK corrects him, as needed>. There’s something there... ok... The wall is going away... AAAH!! People! I... can’t... NO!
SNOW
<Kneading the dough for the next pizza>
Calm down, Dave. Relax. You know, what we need is a good song. I’ll start.
Dough, some bread, some uncooked bread.
RAINCLOUD
Ray, that guy at the garage.
AMY
<Takes a beautifully choreographed step, stands with one hand on
her heart, the other outstretched>
Me, what life is all about!
DAVE
<Looks up, darts his head around>
AMY
<Whispering to DAVE>
Fa!
DAVE
<Face clears, he brightens. Then, with gusto, but the “Deck the halls” tune>
Fa la la la la la, la la la LA!
<All stare at him. He shrugs, embarrassed>
AMY
So, when can I be fed?
DAVE
LA, THE ONLY NOTE I KNOW!
RAINCLOUD
T, the Cambridge line is red! <AMY looks at him, confused. He whispers to her> I used to live in Boston.
SNOW
Which will bring us back to dough, dough, dough <throws the dough up into the air, misses it on the way down> D’oh!
NICK
What was that?
AMY
What was what?
NICK
That song, the choreography...
AMY
What are you talking about? That was a perfectly ordinary conversation.
NICK
Oh, God! I’m in a musical! <Puts his head in his hands. Takes a deep breath.> Look, what was that about being fed? You already got your pizza! <To Dave> You! You’re supposed to be too nervous to sing like that! And that line about the Boston subway- nothing to do with anything! It was obviously just thrown in to rhyme. I won’t even start about Ray.
AMY
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DAVE
What’s this all about?
NICK
All the world’s a stage, and it ends RIGHT THERE!
DAVE
What?
AMY
Nick thinks that he’s a character in a play.
NICK
Yes, and you saw the audience!
DAVE
So that wasn’t a visualization exercise?
continued in
part 3 ...
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here.
