Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic FDK: Still loving you 2/2 (aka happy ending or ever after?)

Anna: You may feel differently when you become a parent one day. Or you may feel spanking is appropriate. I think the jury's out on it, and don't do it, but don't condemn those who do. As Sara pointed, I was more concerned with the spanking *while angry* and *with all your might*.

Most child raising experts will agree that this is not how you implement spanking.

You, the parent, need to be in a calm space when you do something like this. It's a consequence to behavior you want to discourage. If it's used in the way Lois did it, it's scary, and out of control and can lead to *death*.

This is very important as a parent : You have to learn to control your own rage and deal with their rage/behavior in ways that are calm.

I became a mother at 33, in fact, Anna, I guess i'm old enough to be *your mother*!! I have a 5 yo and a 3yo now, and I am much calmer at this time in my life than I was even 10 yrs ago.

They can make me very angry, but I really strive to calm myself before even verbally responding to things, because what I say and do will make an indelible impression on them.

I want my children to understand their limits, to have good social conscience, etc... and there are many conflicting ideas how to handle this... in the end, I just know that the few times i've screamed at them in complete fury - I have upset them... not because I "yelled", but because I scared them.

And it's not fun to scare people that little. You feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

Editted to say:

Wording is important too.

So - when K was 2, she liked to spill things. Toddlers LIKE TO SPILL, and a lot of this is scientific curiosity. You learn a lot of this stuff just by watching your children grow up..

It's annoying as anything, and on some level while you want to encourage them to learn about fluid dynamics, you want them to do it in a way that's controlled.

So I could have said:

Leena, youa re a BAD girl! That was BAD. I told you not to spill, you keep doing it!

Or I could say:

Leena, we don't spill here. If you want to play with water like this, why don't I take you for a bath? Would you like a bath?

If she persisted, I would take away the thing she was spilling, because at that age, a strong parenting tactic involves not setting the child up for failure.

If my 5yo did that, took her drink and deliberately dumped it on the floor, I would hand her cleaning supplies and stand there while she cleaned it, even if she wailed about it.

I don't call them bad girls, but I do say "I don't like this behavior". Alot of times, I try to explain why - but you do that more with the older (5) than the younger (1).

It was definitely the spanking in anger and with force.

Studies have shown that harsh spanking is vastly less affective than simple swatting(meaning a token slap against the bottom or leg.)

I and my wife both have tried both methods and believe me, swatting works sooooo much better!

It causes no physical damage and yet gets the point across. No child wants to be touched by their parent in anyway that is not loving. And that is why simple swats are more affective. They say, "I'm unhappy with what you've done, but I am not mad or angery with you." We also make sure that we hug them and let them know that we love them and don't enjoy swatting them, but that we are doing it for their own good.

Since we have gone to swatting, there has been a night and day change in both our daugthers. The eldest still needs one every once in a while, but the youngest...you only have to mention the possibility and she will stop what she is doing. (Number one is sooo much more headstrong than number 2!!!)

Ok, off the sales pitch and soap box...


James

I haven't posted a comment on this story because, as I explained to Anna, stories focused on children aren't really my thing. What I did want to comment on is this thread, actually. First of all, this seems to me to be a perfect example of the kind of constructive criticism and debate between author and readers that I love: people had things to say, and some of them were critical, but in every case the comments were made tactfully and helpfully - and Anna, your response to feedback on this story makes me proud to be a FoLC. Very nicely done - and I will read the story when you've rewritten it.

On spanking, as a non-parent myself I have no experience or particular views from the perspective of a parent correcting a child - but I do have some knowledge of the effects of physical punishment meted out to children in anger (and I'm not talking about the swatting or measured spanking that James and Pam refer to).

If a parent is in the habit of lashing out at a child in anger, that child will grow up to be afraid. Imagine a sudden movement near your head - the instinctive reaction is to duck so that the slap, because that's what you're afraid is coming, will not hit your face. Imagine a child terrified to admit to a parent that s/he has done something wrong, because a confession of guilt will lead to being whipped with a cane - bamboo makes a nice swishing sound and leaves a satisfying red line (and bruises). Imagine a child who believes that s/he is worthless and unloved because parents never use the 'l' word to him/her, constantly undermine him/her and scream abuse at him/her whenever they get angry.

That's a long, long way away from what Pam and James and others describe, of course, Anna, but it's not too far away from Lois's behaviour in that story - and the effects I describe result from prolonged exposure to such behaviour on the part of even one parent.

So, if you want Lois to have been driven to such a mental state that she could treat her son like that, you'd need to show us what has happened to her. What made her the way she's become? So you'd need to give us more back-story, as well as showing much more clearly the degree of anger and frustration which finally made her snap this time.

Hope this helps.


Wendy

Wendy,

Your description made me want to cry.

My warmest thoughts go to whoever you were describing (the person who was on the receiving end of that).

Makes me want to go hug my kids fiercely, right now...

I've been mostly away from comments folders lately, but reading over the interesting discussion here, I felt drawn to read Anna's story.

Anna, what you have here has the potential to be a very interesting insight into what Lois's life could turn into if she agreed to a relationship with Clark too soon and it failed.

I'm not a parent myself, but my view on spanking matches Pam's. What Lois does in the second part of your story definitely goes beyond what I find acceptable. However, it doesn't mean I believe Lois couldn't do it. I like writers who take risks like you did and show us that our favourite characters are far from perfect. Lois's view on family could, imho, lead her to act in such a way under certain circumstances. She's obviously very unhappy, feels that she's failed in every way, and she probably has very little self-confidence left. She appears to be hating herself. I think she loves Jon and she loves Clark, but she's not able to see that the two can be combined. What she sees is that the beginning of the end with Clark matches the moment when Jon was there, and so despite herself, she feels he's responsible for the failure in her marriage with Clark. Also, she probably feels like a very inadequate mother. She doesn't know how to handle Jon, and Jon, as all five-year-olds, isn't easy to handle, especially as he realises his mother is not doing things the way she should. Problem is, that kind of behaviour is potentially traumatising for Jon...

So the thing is, I think your story has a lot of potential, but imho it can't get resolved in two sections only. It does require a great deal of introspection, especially from Lois's point of view, but I'm sure you can turn this into a really fantastic rollercoaster of emotions.

Kaethel

Thank you Sara, Roo, Jose, Pam, L, James, Wendy and Kae for your latest replies

Reading all these comments has been very helpful for me. I admit I still haven't gotten over my insecurities, where introspection is concerned, but I already have a couple of ideas I will try to work in the story.

I already accepted Sara's offer to be my BR, and I promise I'll try to make this story you all showed so much interest in much better thank it is I don't know when it'll be ready, but... I'll let you know by posting here

Also, I have to say, getting FDK from people that haven't even read the story feels strangely good Thanks, Wendy!

See y' all and thanks for the help!
AnnaBtG.