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Joined: May 2003
Posts: 92
Freelance Reporter
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OP
Freelance Reporter
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 92 |
Hi again! It's been a while since I posted. I've started writing a story and I have some specific questions about it. (BTW, my mom thinks it's great, but I'm not sure I trust her!) (Just kidding, Mom!)  Where can this be improved? Can you follow what was happening? Do you think there is anything that needs to be enhanced upon, either the actions or the descriptions? What about the dialogue? Does it flow?  Please don't worry about spelling or grammar - Mom is helping me with that. Thanks for your help. I appreciate it. Phoenix Rising
If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning. ::Shifty Eyes::
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362
Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362 |
Just quickly popping in, Phoenix, to let you know that I've edited the story post to reduce the length of some of the scene breaks. They were what was making the text very wide on the screen. Hopefully it's formatted a little easier on the eyes now.  Don't have time to read and comment on this now, but it looks very intriguing and I'm hoping to catch up tomorrow. I'll comment properly then. LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 699
Columnist
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Columnist
Joined: Apr 2003
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I helped Kathleen post her story, Labrat, and didn't notice the format problem. Sorry about that.
Kathleen, aka Phoenix Rising - and isn't that a mouthful when I call you to dinner? - you know, I love your story.
I'm so proud of you. I think you're an awesome writer. When I compare what you're writing now, to what I wrote when I was fourteen....
Well, let's just say, there's no comparison.
Oh, and btw, Kathleen assures me that Raven's mom is NOT based on me!
Irene
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362
Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362 |
No need to apologise, Irene - it's just one of those things that happens now and then. If the text contains too many of a particular symbol on one line (exclamation marks, asterisks, whatever) it widens the post so that the text disappears off the right-hand edge of the screen. Probably something to do with the board settings, but it seems endemic to most mbs I've frequented. It only takes a moment to fix, so it's no huge problem. As for the story itself - an intriguing start to a very polished and accomplished piece of work, Phoenix. It's a complex start, but it was easy enough to follow, so I didn't have any problems keeping up, and I enjoyed the richly layered and textured prose. Very atmospheric. I thought the dialogue was very natural sounding to the ear and your characters are well-rounded and easy to believe in. Looking forward to more. LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,454
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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Kathleen, this is amazing! I don't normally read fantasy, but I was curious to see what you could do with a longer story, and I wasn't disappointed. You have a great talent for creating atmosphere. That beginning, with the shadow, is spooky, and you recreated that atmosphere every time you returned to Raven's dream. The dialogue is great; I can just imagine Raven with her younger brother.  The scene breaks enhance the sense of tension in the story, too. And - grammar and spelling aside - you have a great skill for language use, for description and for creating a vivid scene. Even your grammar and spelling are hugely improved from the last piece of yours I read - whether that's your mom's help or you working harder, I don't know, but it does make this easier to read. So keep working at it! More!! Wendy
Just a fly-by! *waves*
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Joined: May 2003
Posts: 92
Freelance Reporter
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OP
Freelance Reporter
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 92 |
 Hi-o! Boss Lady (AKA my mom) says that you two of the best on the net, as far as stories go!  Think I'll be compitition?  Wendy, I am working harder on my spelling  , but Boss Lady helped too. Thanks for the comments! I'm planning out the next segment as I type! Bye!
If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning. ::Shifty Eyes::
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362
Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362 |
Think I'll be compitition? LOL! Don't think there's much doubt there, Phoenix. )
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,761
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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I must admit that reading such things in English tires me a little and I had a little trouble following it, but I liked it.
I also hope you'll write an L&C fic some time.
Post more soon.
AnnaBtG.
What we've got here is failure to communicate...
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