Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Original Fiction comments for Enter Leo -1?

I know that Original Fiction doesn't have many readers. But I am wide open to all comments, criticisms, curses...anything that will help me learn.

Thank you.

CC

This is interesting and well written so far. Hmm...for some reason your character reminds me of Mary Jane a little bit. (Maybe it's just because my muse is on a Spider-Man roll right now.) Keep it up.

Emily, thank you for the encouragement!

And Mary Jane? Really? Ok, I'll confess. I haven't seen Spiderman yet, but it is on my list of things to do, definitely.

Appreciate your taking the time to read.

CC

CC, you sneak! Why didn't you tell me you were up to something?

OK, well, as usual, lovely.

Specifically -

I love the character of Carry - how she is a realistic blend of painfully self-conscious and insecure but also comfortable with herself as she is and accepting of the fact that she is like 99.9% of us humans - very normal. She's dazzled by beauty but not bitter than she doesn't have it in spades (although I'm suspecting that she's prettier than she thinks she is).

The dialogue is great - her efforts to convince Rebecca to see her point of view very in line with the person you've described as the Funny One as she uses humor to make her argument for her.

I'm totally hooked, already dying to know more about both Carry and Leo and wondering if the plain, mousy one is going to score the big catch in the handsome actor.

One suggestion/thought - you opened the scene with the sentence "He wouldn't do it." And that sentence stuck with me through the entire scene - I kept wondering what it was he wouldn't do. At the end, I reached the conclusion that she hadn't believed he would be willing to be in the play, but that's more of a guess than concrete. Perhaps another line or something - "Greek gods didn't star in tiny community theater plays written by virtual...okay, actual unknowns." or the like.

And yes, now you've got me completely hooked!! So you'd better just plan on continuing to post here or you'd better open up that e-mail and shoot stuff my way. Then again, you know first hand how wordy I get and maybe are trying to hide .

Great job!!
Lynn

Hey, LynnM!

I've heard of you, read your stuff. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Is it true you earned yourself the affectionate nick 'Damn Harpy' for your BRing skills?

You've got a nice point on the opening sentence, greek god thing. Extra Tom Welling bonus points for you! If and when this moves along, I would appreciate you running a critical eye over it.

Your friend and fan,

CC

Dang right. I hardly ever check original fic and then see your handle and find this masterpiece happening over here. I love Carrey, I love her dislike for Stephen (and I haven't even met HIM yet).

So come on in Leo, I think it's going to be an awesome read.

TEEEEJ

Thanks so much TeeeJ, Emily, and Lynn. I appreciate you taking a look at this!

I'm working on it in fits and starts, and it's a challenge as I've never written linear. And in fact, am not sure I can all the way through. I may skip around, come back and fill in other parts later.

I'm open to any criticisms. Please feel free.

A very tiny, somewhat unpolished part 2 is on its way.

CC

Well the secret is out, now I'm to you too!

Saw CC and Lynn commenting on a story in this folder and, being the incredibly nosy person that I am, stopped by to see what was what..and to my surprise I see CC has been living a double life!

Seriously though I really like the start of this and wonder what will happen to our friend (b/c after all unless you're a Hollywood movie star with tons of stylists, personal trainers, cooks, etc she is just like us) and the drop dead gorgeous leading man. Maybe his girlfriend will wander off and find some shopping to do ...lol!

I guess I will be dropping by the Orig Fic folder regularly after all!

~Liz