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OP
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Chapter two. I'm happy. Are you happy? I'm happy. Nakomii seems a little bit of comic relife, but that's just me. I'm happy. Are you happy? ::Starts repeating the two sentances without end... GAH!:: 
If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning. ::Shifty Eyes::
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Columnist
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I really like Nakomi. He's an interesting character.
Your descriptions were awesome - very thorough and very well written.
Well done, sweetie!
love,
Mom
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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I finally get some time to read this! Been meaning to since I saw it appear on the boards.  Nakomii's character is indeed fascinating! I enjoyed reading the tale of his quest for food and drink, and it's interesting to see how you manage to tell us about the differences between this malformed dragon and his "normal" peers. I'm feeling a little sorry for him, too... well okay, the fact that he has to eat rotten meat might have a lot to do with my feeling sorry for him. Even *he* agrees that it's not that fantastic. Actually, your writing really makes me stop and think: I was talking with a friend this morning about how we as writers tend to focus mostly on sight and hearing and ignore other senses like smell and taste, even though they're probably our strongest ones. Well, in your writing, I find all those descriptions in your second section, and they help you invoke the atmosphere of your story in a way that just blows me away!  One little niggle about Nakomii's introspection: it jarred me off a little when you switched to first person / present tense, and even though I that you're trying to get the reader to feel like Nakomii then, I think that the part in itself is lively enough for it to be effective with third person like in the rest of the section. Just a thought. Keep the sections coming! I will certainly do my best to find the time to read them, because the world you created is absolutely fascinating. Kaethel
- I'm your partner. I'm your friend.
- Is that what we are?
- Oh, you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it, so no, I got no clue what we are.
~ Rick Castle and Kate Beckett ~ Knockout ~
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Idly reading over the comments folder /me comes to a screeching halt, nose twitching, whiskers quivering. Dragons? Dragons?!?!!  ) I'm out of reading time right now, but I'm definitely going to be back ASAP over the weekend to catch up with this one and comment. Dragons! Woohooo!  LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Durg. Kae, what first person part? I dun remember writing first person, except the dream... if it was in italics, it was a dream. And LabRat, heh, it is deffentitly a dragon fic. Glad to hear that my writting is definitly intresting, and blows you away Kae. Muh dad is starting to read it, we printed it out for him, and heh, he says it's a dark fic. Then he gives meh this look that says, 'did you really write this?' Nown, ifn you'll excuse me, I've got to go write the third chapter. What to do, what to do... something really creepy... Heh! 
If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning. ::Shifty Eyes::
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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Dark fic? You think? Anyway, re.first person, you didn't use it in the dream sequence actually. I found the two paras I was nitpicking about: When morning found him, he jerked awake. The sunlight lanced through the thin overhead branches and seemed to deliberately beam into his eyes. With a growl of rage, he had uncurled in his sleep, Nakomii got to his feet. For a moment he swayed, uncertain. Where am I? Why am I not in my den? Oh. That’s right. See, here I think it would flow more smoothly if you wrote "Where was he? Why wasn't he in the den? Oh. Right." The final words are really *his*, but you avoid going through the person switch, which can pull a reader out as it's a change that happens in a part that is actually closer to introspection than narration. Besides, he thought, I am getting used to these woods. And soon there will be a clearing I can fly from. I’ll make good time then. But first, a nap. Same here, even though the "he thought" clearly labels it as introspection. But you don't need the label. Your writing is such that even narration feels like introspection: we see the world as *Nakomii* sees it, not as you describe it. This is of course just my humble opinion and it's really a minor niggle, so feel free to disagree. In any case, I can't wait for the next part! Kaethel
- I'm your partner. I'm your friend.
- Is that what we are?
- Oh, you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it, so no, I got no clue what we are.
~ Rick Castle and Kate Beckett ~ Knockout ~
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Joined: Apr 2003
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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What a beautiful story, Phoenix! I'm so glad I didn't miss out on it in the end. Your dragons are truly a unique creation in the way they think and act. And I haven't seen that for many years. Nakomii is just adorable btw. <g> Love him. His interaction with the lynx was cute. And the dream made me laugh. Dekani's confusion over the baby is simply heartbreaking, but so well described and already I'm fascinated with her character, want to see how things turn out for her, and wish a happy ending for her. This is just simply superb, Phoenix. Well, I'm ready for more. Where's Chapter Three? LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Thankies! ::Starts running around in circles:: Bwa! LabRat, mom showed me part of you're e-m to her, and yes, I am under twenty. I'm 15, 16 next June! And, to make you even more jelious, I've yet to edit my chapters, except chapter one where I took out two spoiler paragraphs. Stupid spoiler paragraphs...  Kae, you're right, now that I've taken a look. It does jar, doesn't look right... Hn... ::Thinking:: I think I'll change it, but I dun wanna clutter up the board with 'revised chapter two', when I could be putting up chapter three. 'll I'll say is that it will be a change before I submit it to a publisher or whoever in hopes of making it big with the happy-ness of readers. Either that, or a lovely drop jaw when they find out that, a) I wrote it when I was 15. b) I have yet to revise much of it, and c) it'll just look funny! LabRat, thankies for the complements, but soon muh head will get too big and I won't be able to get through the door! Wait, what stories by Anne? Mom says the Pern books, but I've never read them... much. I dun agree with her on the subject of dragons. And what stories have people of this time thrown back to when caveies roamed, and killed things with clubs? Never seen any books like that... then again, I've yet to read any books about that time period... Mom, before you read this and go, "Yes she has", this is BEFORE the Earth's Children series. 'kay? 'kay. Meh, Chapter three is a coming soon. Jus have to stop beating my head against a wall.  Need to TALK TO MOM AND DRIVE FAMILY NUTS!
If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning. ::Shifty Eyes::
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Never seen any books like that... then again, I've yet to read any books about that time period... Well, I wasn't actually thinking specifically of prehistoric times, to be honest. Just generally about historic novels I've read over the years. Be it about Roman times or Ancient Egypt or Celtic Briton, or whatever, one of the most common mistakes made by these authors is to imbide their characters with modern behaviour or attitudes. Which isn't to say that every historical novel I've read has made that mistake. Far from it! But I do think it's the most difficult thing in writing about the past - leaving the modern world behind and really getting across to the reader that this is someone who is different to us today. And I do think you've nailed those differences perfectly in this story and given a real sense of someone who is far removed from us in time. LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Freelance Reporter
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Ah can feel muh head swellin', sugar. -As to quote Mouse, from ReBoot!. I jus' took a look over muh last post, I hope's I didn't insult you or anything in the first paragraph, 'cause looking it over I jus' sees the posibilities... if'n I did, I didn't mean to! I mean it!
If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning. ::Shifty Eyes::
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Ditto LabRat and Kaethel, Phoenix: your writing just makes me envious. You have such skill with atmosphere and descriptions. I think you know that I'm more interested in stories about 'mushy stuff' than fantasy, but I'm still going to read this. Keep posting! Wendy
Just a fly-by! *waves*
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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jus' took a look over muh last post, I hope's I didn't insult you or anything in the first paragraph, 'cause looking it over I jus' sees the posibilities... if'n I did, I didn't mean to! I mean it! Never occurred to me and no insult received! LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Joined: May 2003
Posts: 92
Freelance Reporter
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Yay! Glad ah didn't insult anyone! Wendy! ::Squeels:: Who says there won't be a romance in here? It just hasn't shown up yet! Dun tell anyone, but there's a deffenit possibility of it... Heh...  ::Frowns, folds arms:: I've just got a minor complaint because CSI isn't on, and it serves as insperation for me. Well, it hasn't been on since last Friday, and it'll be on twice tonight, but still... my attempts at writing over the weekend was pathetic! Like my first 'Dementia', where Dekani was too smart for her situation. ::Growls:: Must go away now. Need to work on story and all. ::Bashes head into wall::
If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning. ::Shifty Eyes::
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